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Hobby, Need, and Identity - 9/18/2008 5:22:29 PM

lovingpet

Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
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There is a current battle going on with a group of people that leads me to post this thread. Please bear with me as I attempt to sift through all the layers of arguments, logic (or lack thereof), and perspectives currently involved. It just brought up interesting ideas.

This situation involves three people.  Central in all this is a person somewhat new, but beginning to really get bearings on what it is he/she is looking for. There is the partner on the bdsm side who has a great deal of experience. There is the vanilla spouse of the new person.

Each of these people have a different idea of what it is this is all about in terms of bdsm play or lifestyle. The spouse sees this as an interesting hobby of the other person. It is an itch that gets scratched or something fun to give a go at on occassion. This person has even gone so far as to say that the person will outgrow the desire for such play and move on. The partner sees this as something that is needed, like food or shelter. It is necessary for the person to stay healthy and whole. The bdsm partner believes that both the person and himself/herself have this aspect of themselves as an intrinsic part of who a person is.  It is not optional, far beyond a simple need, and will express itself in some way.

I tend to vascillate on this issue myself. Sometimes I think I can walk away at any time and be perfectly happy in a purely vanilla life. Other times, I recognize it as a need that must be met.  Then again, there is a large percentage of the time that I truly believe this is just who and what I am and really need to come to terms with that.

My questions to the forums is this:

Which is it for you hobby, need, or identity?  Do you see further areas of grey, because I know I sure do?  How did/does this change over time for you? Under what conditions might you adhere more soundly to one of these than the other? There is a myriad more questions that could be posed from this, but that is an adequate start. Feel free to cover other ground if you would like. I do want personal perspectives and know that answers will differ.

lovingpet

Post #: 1

RE: Hobby, Need, and Identity - 9/18/2008 6:05:17 PM

TysGalilah

Posts: 589
Joined: 11/21/2007
Status: offline

Which is it for you hobby, need, or identity?

Not a hobby
Not a need, although there have been times when I have felt need about it, it is not something that I would die from not having....I would live, but just not as happily or as fulfilled.

Not my identity.
My collar identifies me as His. His submissive. But, I feel I am more than a submissive. I have many roles in my life, many of them satisfy me and enhance my life a great deal>>, perhaps just in a different way than my submission does. I am not identifyed by one of them, but my identity is more likely from a combo of all of them.

What is it for me?
An expression of me.

My painting expresses the way I see the world around me
My writing expresses my fantasy, my feelings at times when I cannot find the verbal words.
My teaching expresses my love and passion for working with children with special needs.
My submission to Tyson expresses my core nature (another passion) which is a nurturer, caregiver, someone who loves to serve and help others.
It also reflects the style of relationship that was modeled to me by my parents and feels right for me.
The kink or (bdsm)extreme parts of my ds relationship taps into my darker self, my more intense emotional and physical feelings and gives me a place to express that...in safety and around someone who is in control so that I can surrender mine.

_____________________________

galilah

.."There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. " Edith Wharton

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 2

RE: Hobby, Need, and Identity - 9/18/2008 6:09:21 PM

lally3

Posts: 595
Joined: 3/4/2008
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its who and what i am, but i dont need it to make me whole or even consider it my identity, its just part of me and it ticks along regardless and inspite of everything else.

it isnt a hobby because im more D/s than all out bdsm.

it might be a need, probably is but the 'need' only gets tangible when im in a relationship.

_____________________________

even doves have pride (Prince)

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 3

RE: Hobby, Need, and Identity - 9/18/2008 6:22:56 PM

lovingpet

Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
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I wanted to clarify that in speaking to identity, I was not at all suggesting that this aspect would be the total sum of the person. I simply meant that, as was stated above, it arises out of the core of a person. A personality trait.

Thanks for the posts!

lovingpet

(in reply to lally3)

Post #: 4

RE: Hobby, Need, and Identity - 9/18/2008 6:51:20 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Play is a hobby. I would certainly miss it and get antsy if I didn't have it but the same can be said of me needing a book or puzzle book around.

But a D/s relationship is essential for my well being. I simply do better in this than I do when I have all the responsibility inside of a relationship.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 5

RE: Hobby, Need, and Identity - 9/18/2008 7:06:22 PM

Quivver

Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

What a wonderful question! I see life as gray, needs being few and identity something I was born with.
What I mean by that is my identity is unique to me and the life I've lived. What I am today wouldn't be
without the things I've experienced, I think this is a great blanket statement that is true for us all.
What we've lived is what's altered each of our perspectives.

My identity likes to do things for others, to see them smile. For the longest time the Mom gig allowed me
to do that. As they slowly flew off finding myself with more and more time for me felt really void.
So, this fills that empty space with the great side benefit of kink.

I cant call this a hobby cause I cant just play with anyone. I absolutely have to have some intangible draw
to another to allow them into my head. To play only on a physical level for the sake of sensation holds no
interest for me, the sensation is lacking without that draw.

I have and can live without this. But to qualify that further, I do not believe I can have a relationship
without some form of this. So living without it is a single lifestyle with no significant other. Either way
I end up living I'm at peace with myself.

< Message edited by Quivver -- 9/18/2008 7:07:33 PM >

_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 6

RE: Hobby, Need, and Identity - 9/18/2008 7:19:46 PM

LATEXBABY64

Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline

there are different aspects there are fetish peeps too which we can not live with out yep but dose bdsm ds make me who i am no needs always change their never the same if something happens great if it does not oh well

(in reply to Quivver)

Post #: 7

RE: Hobby, Need, and Identity - 9/18/2008 7:33:30 PM

WhiplashSmile2

Posts: 526
Joined: 6/11/2008
Status: offline

Hope this post will make some sense to you. In terms of BDSM kink itself, this is something that is always part of my own burning desires to have on some level. I actually find it difficult to have quick plain boring sex.   In terms of my S&M level of play that's somewhat optional for me.   Sure, I Love and Enjoy it. Some activities such as verbal humilation, body worship, ass spanking, hair pulling, nipple pinching and other endless of rough kinky or non rough kink is not an option for me. This is all part of how I enjoy sex and play with somebody.   If without out, I'm not into having sex with somebody. It's not fair for me to get involved with somebody who does not or can not please me on this basic sexual level.

In terms of D/s or not. I'm pretty Dominant by nature, in fact that I will take charge of and be the fearless group leader in social situations in general. At work, with friendships, in bands or whatever else. It's a natural tendancy of mine. In my interpersonal relationships in general. With that said, I play well with submissive personalities or Dominant personalities. Provided the I'm dealing with secure Dominant people that are comfortable about themselves and are good at communication.   Actually in many regards other Dominant personalities have a level of understanding of the Dominant mindset.   Again, this is with somebody who is secure with themselves.

I don't have any issues with dating or being involved with a slave, submissive, switch or Dominant girl.   Long as they realize and can deal with my own orientation and natural tendancies.

Basically, I have more of an issue with dealing with insecure people that don't communicate.

I enjoy D/s or M/s relationships very much, but I also enjoy being part of a DOM power couple. It's a matter of chemistry involved. Things such as respect, trust and other aspects play perhaps a greater role for me compared to D/s or not.

If somebody can't deal with the fact I'm into Kinky twisted Sex and that I'm a Dominant personality, well then there are issues that can't be resolved. Trust me, I'm not submissive towards anybody.

I'm trying to express the whole personality and chemistry factor that is involved in any relationship period.   Be it friendships, BDSM based relationship or whatever.

BDSM or the lifestyle best applies to who and what I am.   Anybody who's into BDSM or the lifestyle or is aware of it, will understand and get in 10,000 overview about me.   Simply adds clarity and understanding to things.

Now, with that said. I'm into BDSM and the lifestyle, regardless if I identify with it or not.   I actually tried to be really vanilla for awhile and it did not work. I was not being honest and fair to myself and my partners during this time period.

I am what I am, I am who I am.   In terms of some needs and desires I have those things.   This is not just a hobby or fad for me. It's simply part of me.

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 8

RE: Hobby, Need, and Identity - 9/18/2008 7:56:30 PM

MadRabbit

Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline

My dominance is an identity, not in the sense of a shallow social identity that I cling to for acceptance, but rather an identity that is an intrinsic part of who I am as a person.

It's not something that can be turned off or ignored, because to be in a relationship where I wasn't the dominating party would require me to turn off and ignore it. To be in an egalitarian relationship would mean for me to make a conscious effort to not do things that are as natural as breathing for me.

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 9

RE: Hobby, Need, and Identity - 9/18/2008 8:11:58 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet
Which is it for you hobby, need, or identity? Do you see further areas of grey, because I know I sure do? How did/does this change over time for you? Under what conditions might you adhere more soundly to one of these than the other? There is a myriad more questions that could be posed from this, but that is an adequate start. Feel free to cover other ground if you would like. I do want personal perspectives and know that answers will differ.

lovingpet

It's all of the above. I identify as a switch, but my relationship with my partner is fundamentally vanilla. I enjoy kink as I enjoy reading and going to the movies so it's a hobby. But the relationship dynamics are an omnipresent part of my consciousness now that I can't imagine erasing.

It's very common in discovering who we are, especially when it's been repressed, is to experience a high period of neediness/exuberance in the new identity. Over time it becomes absorbed and is a more natural flow in balance with the other parts of our life. It's no more or less who we are or were, but the attention and focus we put into it changes.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 10

RE: Hobby, Need, and Identity - 9/18/2008 8:15:50 PM

WhiplashSmile2

Posts: 526
Joined: 6/11/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit
It's not something that can be turned off or ignored, because to be in a relationship where I wasn't the dominating party would require me to turn off and ignore it. To be in an egalitarian relationship would mean for me to make a conscious effort to not do things that are as natural as breathing for me.

I understand where you are coming from here to a point. I can function in an equalitarian relationship with a Dominant female without making any conscious effort to turn off anything.   I make zero effort to not do things that are against my own nature.   It's how two people interact and resolve issues. When two people are asserting themselves, wants, needs, wishes and desires.   Basically, what I'm trying to express here is that you don't have to ignore or make any conscious efforts to not do things that are natural.

Just because you are around another Dominant personality in any situation does not mean you have to shelve yourself and any part of who and what you really are. It's a misconception of sorts that DOM couples do with this one another. If anything they totally understand and relate to one another.   It's like dealing with the perfect mind reader, plus the fact they don't take things so personally, because they know where the fuck you are coming from.

Mind you, this involves both Dominant parties being secure in their own skin. Trying to turn off and ignore things well really is not all that secure of a thing to do, if you believe those aspects of who you are will cause problems.   Basically, involves simply being yourself and not letting D/s fry your brain cells up with worry and concern.

It's my personally opinion that too many people once they discover BDSM and the lifestyle and adopt their appropriate orientation labels that they take things a bit too seriously for their own good at times. People get caught up in being the Uberness of their orientation and take their own labels so seriously that they forget to simply be themselves.

Basically be yourself and not your label is the kind of thinking I'm expressing here. Hope this makes sense.

(in reply to MadRabbit)

Post #: 11

RE: Hobby, Need, and Identity - 9/18/2008 8:36:46 PM

BeIgnited

Posts: 191
Joined: 6/23/2008
Status: offline

Being submissive is, for a number of reasons, pretty intimately entwined with my sexuality. Being sexually submissive comes very easily to me. In other aspects of my life, not so much, but I do ultimately prefer to be the "follower" rather than the "leader" in a relationship.

I imagine I could deal with an egalitarian relationship, but I don't want to just deal, if I don't have to.

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 12

RE: Hobby, Need, and Identity - 9/18/2008 8:58:48 PM

MadRabbit

Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: WhiplashSmile2

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit
It's not something that can be turned off or ignored, because to be in a relationship where I wasn't the dominating party would require me to turn off and ignore it. To be in an egalitarian relationship would mean for me to make a conscious effort to not do things that are as natural as breathing for me.

I understand where you are coming from here to a point. I can function in an equalitarian relationship with a Dominant female without making any conscious effort to turn off anything.   I make zero effort to not do things that are against my own nature.   It's how two people interact and resolve issues. When two people are asserting themselves, wants, needs, wishes and desires.   Basically, what I'm trying to express here is that you don't have to ignore or make any conscious efforts to not do things that are natural.

Just because you are around another Dominant personality in any situation does not mean you have to shelve yourself and any part of who and what you really are. It's a misconception of sorts that DOM couples do with this one another. If anything they totally understand and relate to one another.   It's like dealing with the perfect mind reader, plus the fact they don't take things so personally, because they know where the fuck you are coming from.

Mind you, this involves both Dominant parties being secure in their own skin. Trying to turn off and ignore things well really is not all that secure of a thing to do, if you believe those aspects of who you are will cause problems.   Basically, involves simply being yourself and not letting D/s fry your brain cells up with worry and concern.

It's my personally opinion that too many people once they discover BDSM and the lifestyle and adopt their appropriate orientation labels that they take things a bit too seriously for their own good at times. People get caught up in being the Uberness of their orientation and take their own labels so seriously that they forget to simply be themselves.

Basically be yourself and not your label is the kind of thinking I'm expressing here. Hope this makes sense.

That's actually not really it at all. It isn't an issue of personality or a lack of being able to interact with people in a normal way. It has to do with how I express intimacy in a relationship.

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to WhiplashSmile2)

Post #: 13

RE: Hobby, Need, and Identity - 9/18/2008 9:28:25 PM

WhiplashSmile2

Posts: 526
Joined: 6/11/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit
That's actually not really it at all. It isn't an issue of personality or a lack of being able to interact with people in a normal way. It has to do with how I express intimacy in a relationship.

I think I somewhat understand a little better where you are coming from. Your posts stirred some thoughts and feelings I have on the matter in general. When I responded to your posts, I was also making a post in general for everybody to read on the message board. Was not intended as a personal attack on you. I commented on your post because it inspired my whole thought process on this matter. So most of my comments were not intended to be directed towards you but rather other readers.

In terms of intimacy, I'm not certain I fully follow or relate to you on this one. Personally, I know myself. I'm pretty possessive, and I'm pretty aggressive, and I'm pretty kinky, and I'm pretty assertive. What can I say? When I give a damn about somebody, I give a damn and well... I'm not a passive person, if that makes any sense to you. Not much shutting anything off, even if I try. I can't maintain that passive vanilla role for very long, in fact I actually suck at it. I know I suck at it too. lol

(in reply to MadRabbit)

Post #: 14

RE: Hobby, Need, and Identity - 9/18/2008 10:20:06 PM

jim64

Posts: 86
Joined: 10/21/2007
Status: offline

All of the above apply. I might have thought it just a hobby, until I identified and started needing it. That process has been fast and slow. It was fast for me to realize that I needed it. (after many years of interest). I have been slow in knowing just how much I need this and defining who I am. Defining who I am has been a slow process, it is still going on. Yes, there are many levels of gray. We are still learning and growing. The idea that this could be just a hobby that one will transcend might be true for some. That is not something that I feel though. I need this. I want this. I hope you resolve your situation with success.

jim the slow one

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 15

RE: Hobby, Need, and Identity - 9/18/2008 10:26:58 PM

lovingpet

Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
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I'm just sitting back and listening to this debate among them. I find it of purely academic interest and is why I asked for people's views of it here on the forums as well.

lovingpet

(in reply to jim64)

Post #: 16

RE: Hobby, Need, and Identity - 9/19/2008 2:58:29 AM

silkncarol

Posts: 318
Status: offline

I know in my heart i can never walk away from the lifestyle.....it will always be a part of me in one way or another..as i age, maybe less bdsm but always the D/s. My ex husband acted like it was a hobby or passing fancy...he didn't understand or feel the deep need that i did.... hence him being the ex.
My personality may be submissive, but i don't think of it as my identity..merely a part of the whole....

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet

My questions to the forums is this:

Which is it for you hobby, need, or identity? Do you see further areas of grey, because I know I sure do? How did/does this change over time for you? Under what conditions might you adhere more soundly to one of these than the other? There is a myriad more questions that could be posed from this, but that is an adequate start. Feel free to cover other ground if you would like. I do want personal perspectives and know that answers will differ.

lovingpet

_____________________________

We attract hearts by the qualities we display. We retain them by the qualities we possess.

Shoes can change your life................. Cinderella

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 17

RE: Hobby, Need, and Identity - 9/19/2008 4:54:03 AM

lizcgirl

Posts: 287
Joined: 4/13/2008
Status: offline

Being a slave is an identy for me, as much as any one thing can "identy" a person. Being submissive is in me, always has been, always will be. It's one of the few constants of my personality. It's also a need in a way because I need some one who is more dominate than me to be fully happy. It isn't codependency- I am capable of being happy on my own, but not to the same degree. I find that even when I'm single I tend to seek out some dominate force to involve in my life just to balance it out. It's never a hobby and for me, if it turned into one, I would probably walk away. At that point in time, I would need to seriously sit back and look at what changed before I continued.

_____________________________

Never make some one a priority when all you are to them is an option.

(in reply to silkncarol)

Post #: 18

RE: Hobby, Need, and Identity - 9/19/2008 6:02:10 AM

Sunnyfey

Posts: 1436
Joined: 9/21/2007
From: OK
Status: offline

oh what a loaded question for me, It's an identity I have, and both my relationships are very very bdsm based. but then again, I identifiy as a contortionist and carnie also, Im also a newbi Dj and all around performer. I identify as a Switch when i work the fetish shows, I identify as a sub in my Leather community, I identify as a slave when I am with Master.

but then again it is also a need for me, i cant survive in a vanilla relationship, i quickly start to resent the person for makeing me squash my kink factor. (even if they infact dont do that...but still)

_____________________________

Resident Hell Cat

(in reply to lizcgirl)

Post #: 19

RE: Hobby, Need, and Identity - 9/19/2008 6:09:38 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

It's all of them. It's none of them.
It is life and it is part of it.

the.dark.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 20

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