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Padriag -> RE: Hobby, Need, and Identity (9/19/2008 2:40:47 PM)
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ORIGINAL: lovingpet
Which is it for you hobby, need, or identity?
D) None of the above. None of these entirely fits, though some or all fit at different times and under differing circumstances. Certainly some of the fetish play would be a hobby for me, as would designing and building bondage furniture for my own amusement. Being dominant is an aspect of my personality, and a general one at that... I tend to be dominant in most areas of my life. Sexual and/or "lifestyle" dominance is just another expression of this. One could argue that some aspects of this are needs, things essential to my happiness, to a healthy psyche (I'm a bit dubious about that in my case, there are very few things in my life I'd qualify as a need because there are very few things I could not live without or could not be happy without... I'm a very adaptive person. I haven't played World of Warcraft in a couple months and I'm doing just fine! LOL).
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Do you see further areas of grey, because I know I sure do?
Absolutely, I think much of it is a grey area which is why things like this, the nature of submission, dominance, masters, slaves, etc. is so often debated. There is an ongoing struggle to understand this lifestyle by those involved in it, which results in forums such as this one as well as other venues. Over the years I've observed that about the only thing that gets resolved are personal perspectives and that comes only with time and experience... otherwise the debates, arguments, etc. rage on. In other words, you can define what those grey areas are for you, an that will be valid for you, but that's also about as far as it goes. What works for you may not be true of anyone else... or it might be true of many... or anywhere inbetween.
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How did/does this change over time for you?
For me, it has changed greatly over the years. In the beginning I was all about trying to neatly define everything, wanted everything in black and white terms. I probably pursued that notion long after it was sensible just because I'm hard headed that way and overly analytical. But eventually I gained a new perspective, one that was broader and took in the complexities involved. I'm not any one thing, neither is anyone else. While I have known submissives who are very submissive most of the time... I've never known any submissive who was all the time. Neither am I "fully dominant" all the time... some days I just don't give a shit... I'm too tired or too stressed to be bothered and rather than "making her feel my dominance" I'd really rather just a back rub or a hug. Even dominants sometimes could do with a bit of comforting. This past year in particularly has illustrated that in my life. There was a submissive staying with me for awhile as my "slave". The past 18 months have been extremely stressful and challenging as I ventured into some new endeavors. There were days what I really needed was someone to just rub my shoulders, show some compassion, and be supportive... unfortunately that wasn't something she was particularly good at. She's now gone, things did not end well, and life goes on. A big part of why things ended as they did is that neither of us was living up to the others expectations... she wanted someone I wasn't able to be at that time, and likewise, she wasn't able to be what I needed. Which isn't about blame (which is pointless), but rather just the facts of the situation.
So what has changed for me over the years? Pretty much my entire perspective. There are fewer things I set down in concrete terms. For example... I am dominant, dominance is a general aspect of my nature... that much is pretty concrete. How dominant am I... that varies from one day to the next, according to my stress levels, how tired I am, how much I have on my mind, and even who I am with and how attracted I am to them. I refer to myself as a Master. Like others before me there was a time I tried to qualify that... I no longer do. Referring to myself as such is an expression of how I mentally and emotionally express that dominance in intimate relationships. What qualifies me as a Master? Not a damn thing, anymore than anything qualifies me as a fan of Virginia Tech, or a particular ice cream or anything else... they're all personal choices. There's no test for any of this, beyond life itself and that is one test we are all continually taking and retaking every day... sometimes doing better than other days. I've long since realized that "ownership" of a "slave" is at best an illusion... I can easily point to a few that walked out the door as proof of that. Like me referring to myself as a "master" their self-identification as a "slave" is a personal one, an expression of something they wish for, how they wish to live, a desired role in a relationship. And just as how dominant I am varies, so does how submissive a "slave" is. I don't care how dominant or submissive you think you are, that all goes out the window when you're bent over a toilet puking your guts out from a stomach virus... little things like that remind us that we are humans first, and everything else second. (Sorry for the visual folks, but I wanted a strong visual most could identify with)
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Under what conditions might you adhere more soundly to one of these than the other?
That varies widely... and it does vary. As I pointed out before, I might express my dominance more strongly at sometimes than others. Sometimes that might be less because I'm very stressed... at other times the stress might cause it to express more strongly. Likewise when I'm feeling happy, that too can affect my level of dominance. But not only does it affect how strongly it is expressed, it also affects the character of how it is expressed. Sometimes when I am stressed I become much more dominant... but it expresses in a much harsher form that usually neither I or the submissive is overly happy with. When I'm more relaxed, the expression of that dominance, however "strong" it may be, tends to be more balanced. My point being, things change for many reasons, we're complicated creatures in many ways. Today I might "need" to flog a submissive, tomorrow it might be more of a casual thing like a hobby... some days I'm very casual in the expression of my dominance, at other times its more serious. Need, hobby, identity... what pair of shoes are you wearing today?
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