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loving a ghost - 9/18/2008 12:58:26 PM   
softness


Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline 		Its been a month since DV released me .. and a month ago I was heart broken curled in the middle of my sitting room floor in a tight, angry sobbing ball. It took me about a week to tell the people outside my immediate circle of friends .. because for about a week I was waiting for it to unhappen, for it to go away. Once it was clear things were at an end, I told people, and I got on with things. I am a very emotionally remote person even those people closest to me haven't seen me emotionally vulnerable during this time.

Today I was chatting on a site I visit only rarely, and my profile there still indicated DV and I were together and so I had to explain to someone that I had in fact been released. Their immediate reaction was "omg ... you must feel so lost without him! Are you coping?!" ... What hit home for me was that in fact, I wasn't lost at all, and other than that first week when things were pretty uncertain .. I hadn't been lost either. People keep saying things to me like ... "You must be _____" or "You must feel _____" ... and I just dont. For a while though I was beating myself up for not feeling things everyone was telling me I should feel (guilty, defeated, angry, upset, abandonned, blaming myself etc etc etc etc) but my emotions were what they were. They just weren't any of those things.

My life is almost exactly as it was before ... This is made most obvious by my real time scene friends - who never interacted with DV at all .. and only knew of him as the voice at the end of the phone. To them he was never a "real" person and though they respected my committment to him, and the very real control he exerted over me, they never saw any evidence of him, only evidence of my compliance with his commands. When I turned up at events very much minus a collar, people asked questions, and were told what had happened. Many of them were left with nothing to do but smile, offer a hug .. and treat me as they always have done .. as something both in and out of bounds, who attended things alone, but was not alone, who was available and unavailable. A circle was always drawn around me within the local scene .. because I was owned by an absentee, I loved a ghost and people respected that. Now a new circle has been drawn around me because I am single, and not looking. One comment was made at the weekend by a Domme friend who said "I couldn't have you before, because you were his, and now I can't have you because you are yours".

I spent so long being in love with someone only I interacted with, only I saw, spoke to, spent time with .. that it was like being with a ghost. I knew he was there, I knew how I felt, and though other people believed me (or not .. many didn't ever accept an LDR as LD as ours) because they couldn't see or hear or touch him .. he wasn't really there. Only a handful of people I knew in RT had even seen him post, only 2 had spoken to him on the phone.

I only now appreciate how hard it must have been for people to comprehend of what was going on for me ... so very little has outwardly changed about my life since I was released (other than jeans making a very bloody welcome return, along with flat shoes, pizza .. and sucking my thumb) that probably only a handful of people can tell the difference. If that is all that changed when I was released ... it shows how much of the relationship was based on me furiously devoting time energy and emotion to something which was pretty much intangible. though it was totally real to me, it was also profoundly unreal.

my point in all this ... am not sure I really have one

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RE: loving a ghost - 9/18/2008 1:09:01 PM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		*Really hopes I wasn't one of those saying 'you must be...you must feel'... ffs girlie... if I was you should have shot me!*
 
You might not be sure that you have a point to posting this - meh, maybe its cathartic.  I find it interesting on the level that -  some people place little value in LDR and yet I see people place huge stock in online relationships with people they haven't met, will never meet as friends.  It's almost an unwritten 'rule' that LDR that include sex or romance are less important than or more foolish than long distance friendships.  I have often contemplated the why to that.
 
Smoochies hunni
 
the.dark.

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RE: loving a ghost - 9/18/2008 1:09:06 PM   
StrangerThan


Posts: 1515
Joined: 4/25/2008
Status: offline 		Your point? You don't really need one. Love isn't logical. Society tries to define boundaries for it, tell us what it should be, and who we should be attracted to, but in the end, it's that person that finds something inside that needs found, touches it, holds it and keeps it. People will tell you all day long that online things or LDR's aren't real, don't hold much value but they do and are as clear an indicator as anything that love and committment are not logical. You'll also get advice telling you to jump back into the fray. Mostly, ignore the advice and do what's right for you and feels right to you.

In the meantime, enjoy the jeans and the pizza and the friends.

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RE: loving a ghost - 9/18/2008 1:14:27 PM   
IvyMorgan


Posts: 729
Joined: 7/5/2007
From: Midlands, UK
Status: offline 		I started in a therapeutic community 15 weeks ago.  When I started, there were lots of people saying "you must feel anxious", "you must feel nervous".  It got very old very fast, I "felt" none of those things.

Lots of things have happened recently, that people have been deciding how I must feel, what I must be going through, how I must be reacting, and I'm just not.  Again, very old, very fast.

People we love are as real as we let them be.  *smiles*  And for those of us outside, speaking only for me here, I saw how you responded to your "ghost" and that made him real to me.  Check you mail on the other side :)

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RE: loving a ghost - 9/18/2008 1:14:57 PM   
softness


Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

*Really hopes I wasn't one of those saying 'you must be...you must feel'... ffs girlie... if I was you should have shot me!*
 
Smoochies hunni
 
the.dark.

 
You weren't hun .. you were one of those people who I opened up to and rather than telling me that I should be thinking and feeling X ... or I must be thinking or feeling X .. you asked what I WAS thinking and feeling
 
knowing this about you was prolly the reason I opened up .. you are comfortably predictable in that way .. which is why I love you (both) to fits and pieces

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RE: loving a ghost - 9/18/2008 1:18:31 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

For a while though I was beating myself up for not feeling things everyone was telling me I should feel <snip> but my emotions were what they were. They just weren't any of those things.


This is the key.  I went through a release a few months ago.  It was abrupt, but for the best.  It was an on/off long distance situation.  I did not feel much negativity about it ending.  I had more problems dealing with my non-reaction than anything else. 

It's important to process and grieve, in whatever form.  But you shouldn't feel badly for not meeting others expectation of how they think you should react.

quote:


my point in all this ... am not sure I really have one


That's okay too.   


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RE: loving a ghost - 9/18/2008 1:18:55 PM   
Llyren


Posts: 637
Joined: 3/5/2007
From: Illinois
Status: offline 		I know what it's like to "love a ghost".  I've loved two, in fact.  The only sad part is that one of them I was married to, and shared a home with for years.  But in the end, the person with whom I am in love is a ghost.  The boy I fell in love with in college isn't the man who did the things he did.  So whether that boy died, or only existed in my imagination, he was a ghost at the point when I married the physical embodiment.  The other was online, and I gave myself to him as much as I could, but in the end he was a ghost, and that was that. 

I can sympathise, as well as empathize, and I am glad you're getting beyond it.  May the next person you permit into your life be all you wish, and fully real. 


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RE: loving a ghost - 9/18/2008 1:24:04 PM   
OttersSwim


Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline 		Life moves on, and so do we.  It sounds here like you are still processing what this very important relationship meant to you.  I can relate, having been in a LDR of nearly 3 years that ended in a 2 minute phone call.  I made the mistake of throwing everything from her away to escape the pain - it made the previous 3 years seem empty and I wondered what I really had with her.  I wandered around like that for a bit.

I hope it comes to a point of clarity and peace for you sooner rather than later.  

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RE: loving a ghost - 9/18/2008 1:27:32 PM   
Raechard


Posts: 3513
Joined: 3/10/2007
From: S.E. London U.K.
Status: offline 		Better than the original. for sure innit

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RE: loving a ghost - 9/18/2008 1:37:57 PM   
VivaciousSub


Posts: 446
Joined: 9/7/2008
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline 		This resonates with me, a lot. My former Master went so far as to tell me not that I "must be" feeling something but that I "was" feeling something about events that had no connection to him whatsoever. Not a good sign.

Congratulations on taking back possession of your life, on your self-awareness and insight. All of these are valuable gifts!

Enjoy your comfy jeans!


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To yield readily--easily--to the persuasion of a friend is no merit.... To yield without conviction is no compliment to the understanding of either. ~ Pride and Prejudice

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RE: loving a ghost - 9/18/2008 1:38:38 PM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline 		Very few people that i know could / would have handled DV's release of you in the way that you did. You have shown great strength and courage every step of the way. Those who do not know you very well or at all will of course bring the 'oh you must be feeling' to the table because, well they plainly don't know you or anything about the relationship you were in. Other than what you chose to share of course.
 
Right from the day i met you DV was never a ghost to me. He was as real as you are when i'm standing next to you. I knew DV because i knew you.
 
As for changes since your release, there are a few lol. Jeans and flats etc being the obvious one's. Again those who don't really know you or don't know you at all would not even see them.
 


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RE: loving a ghost - 9/18/2008 2:02:23 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		Hi softness, hon,

We continue to mirror each other in many ways.  I, too, have recollections of being curled up in a sobbing ball, angry, grief stricken, sad, confused, only to make a decision to live in the present and move on.  Lost? No.  Redefining things?  Definitely.  Moving on with my life?  Absolutely.  Not to say there aren't still pangs of emotions that I have to contend with, but I am definitely not debilitated by it.  In fact, I am better for it, and better than when I first met him.  Take the good with you, as they say, and leave the bad behind.

Like you, most of my friends had not met or talked to my former master.  While I physically was able to see him more than you saw DV, there was still a big part of the relationship that was conducted outside of his physical presence.  I used to tell him he was like this "Big Guru in the Sky".  I'm sure you can relate. 

I don't really have a point either, other than I understand what you're talking about.

Big hugs to you, sweetness. 

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RE: loving a ghost - 9/18/2008 2:15:23 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		Just because most of your relationship was intangible doesn't mean that it was any less real.  A nun on her knees praying has a very intangible relationship with the one to whom she is praying, but no-one would deny the validity of the relationship (sorry - was raised Catholic). 

I sort of understand where you are coming from - i was married, and when he left, all i had to take over doing was paying the bills and taking out the rubbish!  Sad to say for a marriage. I kept waiting for things to seem different, but they really didn't - it was very odd because i was very committed to  that marriage.

Hugs to you  - you are a really cool person!

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RE: loving a ghost - 9/18/2008 2:20:59 PM   
MadRabbit


Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline 		Hey softness,

I would say I am sorry for you and that I wish you didn't hurt so much, but that would be bullshit. To say something like that would also be to say I wish you didn't feel so passionately and intensely for another human being, because that is where the feelings come from. To have that enriching and growing experience in your life is always worth it, in my eyes, no matter how short it is.

I wish you the best though and have no doubt that you will find your way through this and be stronger and better because of it.

"People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain. " - Jim Morrison


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RE: loving a ghost - 9/18/2008 2:29:04 PM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline 		*V-8 bonk* See, now I thought this was going to be about moving on when someone you were in a D/s relationship with died. I could have had something to contribute to -that- discussion besides being yet another person to let softness know that I'm glad she spoke up and laud her grace in moving forward.

Calla Firestorm

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RE: loving a ghost - 9/18/2008 2:36:56 PM   
TysGalilah


Posts: 589
Joined: 11/21/2007
Status: offline 		 
...just a (((((((huggg))))))  of support, because sometimes there are no words more comforting or more supportive...
I hope you can feel both
 
Cyndi
 

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RE: loving a ghost - 9/18/2008 2:41:55 PM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		I'm truly sorry.....forgive me for being a dolt, but I wasn't aware that you weren't together anymore.  I don't KNOW how you are feeling, but I went through something similar a few years back...LDR with someone on the other side of the ocean, visited in r/t twice, had promises and commitments made on both sides, and then had it end unexpectedly, and I remember how I felt. 

It took me several months to decide that the world was really the same after all, but only about a year or so before I realized he wasn't really going to be good for me in the long run.   You're fortunate to have the friendships and the support from them....I didn't really.  Life always goes on.

Anyway.....once again, I'm really sorry for what happened and for what you ARE feeling, whatever it may be.

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RE: loving a ghost - 9/18/2008 2:54:51 PM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		*smooches Softness"*

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RE: loving a ghost - 9/18/2008 4:48:06 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Perhaps you felt less than you would have in a 24/7 simply because so much of your life was unrelated to him. You don't have any history of going into the local coffee shop with him and having the waitress ask where he is. You don't think about what to buy for dinner and sort through his likes or dislikes in your mind. And so on.

Without that constant reminder, you felt what you felt and then could move on faster because your everyday life simply wasn't impacted so strongly by him, because he really wasn't part of it.

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RE: loving a ghost - 9/18/2008 4:48:21 PM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline



Cali


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