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Re-education - 9/18/2008 6:10:25 AM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline 		I've already spoken recently about learning new relationship behaviour. Going from a non-emotional relationship to an emotional one. I've also spoken about learning that 'play'doesn't have to be about harsh whippings to send me over the edge. All Sir has to do is tickle me and i'm crying like a baby.

Last weekend though i was re-educated on some things i thought i knew! Both of the above were new things to me. I hadn't been tickled in play ever and i hadn't had an emotional relationship in so long it was like virgin territory. I had however received a flogging and a single tailing before last weekend so thought i knew what i was in for!

The first new experience was being warmed up. I've never had this, it's usually just been six of the best with a cane or single tail full force, blood, welts etc. Having my skin warmed up was a foreign feeling to me and had me sobbing within seconds. I didn't like it at the time and couldn't compute it in my brain. I was thrown completely off sync because i knew i was going to take a fairly hard beating and imagined that it would be taken raw.

The second new experience was the flogging. Truthfully i'm only used to what i would call a gentle flogging when i was completely new to the scene. It was never done in my last relationship, my ex Sir wasn't really in to floggers. I have watched a harder flogging and cringed lol at the force of it, so i kind of knew what i was expecting. Reality however is never quite the same as expectation. I really struggled with it if i'm honest. After the warming up had left me confused, the flogging nearly knocked me off my feet, metaphorically speaking. Probably physically too!

So there i was in a state of confusion and wow this is what flogging can feel like when the single tail came out. Immediate panic ensued, omg there was no way i could take a single tailing after the flogging. No way was i able to have my back ripped apart, it was already on fire and throbbing! On top of that i knew i was to take 36, my head was in bits. I was asked could i manage nine, the sum of either 36, 3 + 6, or maybe it was 72, 7 + 2, the sum of minutes i was late by that day. Apologies again to Soft. I didn't but i completely trusted Soft, who said i could and the D who said i could too.
When the first stroke hit i was flabbergasted. I felt it but it was nothing like i was used to. I didn't fall to the floor, my back didn't set on fire and it was really rather nice. I took the nine and then was asked did i think i could take the rest, another 27. I thought i could and i did. I was so, so proud. Some of the strokes were harder than others but because it wasn't just a barrage of harshness it was really good.

I think before last weekend i had got to a point where i thought this is a single tail and it rips your back apart. This is a flogger and its soft and fluffy. I had associated those things with my experience of them and how they felt. It was yet another learning curve in so many i have had recently.
I guess to a certain degree there were times last weekend that i felt like a complete newbie, felt the excitement of feeling things for the first time.

To the s types have you had re-education in your relationships when it comes to ways to play? Did you enjoy that learning curve, find it difficult?

To the D types when you have had to re-educate in your relationships how did you find it?
 

 

< Message edited by missturbation -- 9/18/2008 6:12:01 AM >

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

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RE: Re-education - 9/18/2008 9:12:58 AM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline 		I think that re-education occurs in every relationship, and posts like this really reinforce for me that no matter what your experiences are, expanding perceptions can change the face of the current experience.

I've found that the links between emotional connection and physical sensation are more intricate and more active than we tend to give credit for. I've seen this reinforced through my explorations on a spiritual level as well, since my focus has been the connection between the emotional, the spiritual and the physical -- especially for activities that have traditionally been perceived as 'painful' or 'torturous', but which are used as spiritual/emotional evocation tools on various spiritual paths.

It tends to bug me a bit when someone comes into our household with a lot of experience, and starts with the "Oh, my old Master didn't do it -that- way." or "Oh, but my old Mistress said you don't ever do -that-!"... and they can't seem to break away from the old imprints to be able to explore things through -our- paradigm. Honestly, most of these folks don't end up staying with us very long. We love people with resiliency... who are curious about each individual experience for its own sake, even things that are done regularly and have a pattern... and are willing to 'mix it up' a little bit to see whether the perception changes with a slight (or extensive) change in the variables. *smiles*

I don't know if this makes much sense -- my head is all full of 'gooey cotton' from a cold.

Calla Firestorm


_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

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RE: Re-education - 9/18/2008 11:04:32 AM   
littlesarbonn


Posts: 1710
Joined: 12/3/2005
From: Stockton, California
Status: offline 		I go into every relationship expecting a bit (sometimes a lot) of re-education. Sure, I've done a lot of things and learned a lot of useful behaviors, but I'd feel really stupid if I came into the service of a dominant woman and expected things to be perfect the moment I showed up.

_____________________________

<---- FYI, this picture looks JUST like me


http://www.littlesarbonn.com/Stickman/Stickman.htm
The Adventures of Stickman and the Unemployed Lego Spaceman

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RE: Re-education - 9/18/2008 11:09:14 AM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline 		As a d-type that you know...and who has said this to you before...~grins~...I am really enjoying your learning curve.

Now, as a d-type answering your question:  Yes, I have had to re-educate.  My 2nd submissive came out of a relationship(her marriage) where everything had been delivered at a strong level right from the start:  she wasn't cropped, she was CROPPED.  She wasn't whipped with a belt, she was WHIPPED with a belt.  Etc.  Never any warm-up other than getting undressed for play.  When she and I began talking, she noted that the BDSM sessions had never lasted very long...about 15 minutes before the sexual parts came into play... because she quickly reached her threshold of pain.  She noted that the sessions usually left her at the beginning of arousal but never carried through to orgasm and not into subspace.  It took the sex afterwards for her to have an orgasm.
The first time I played with her, the BDSM session went on for an hour.  I put a pair of clamps on her nipples, then pulled her over my knee and started out by spanking her lightly and then bringing up the strength of the blows.  Then I moved her to a kneeling position, took off the clamps and had her begin to play with herself.  I took out a flogger and began leaving the more distinctive lash marks against the red canvas I had created on her ass cheeks with the spanking.  Just as I had with the spanking, I started out slow and built up. During this corporal session she came several times, both during the spanking and the flogging. 
Was my technique better than his?  I don't know BUT it was different in that I emphasized...and still do...the encompassment that takes place with variation.  In addition, as I've noted before, I have found that having an emotional tie of some sort does lead to a "change" in the perception of all things, including sensation and response to sensation.  She was coming out of a relationship where the emotional landscape was in turmoil and coming into one where the emotions were loving and supportive and things were organized and not in disarray.



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RE: Re-education - 9/18/2008 1:35:27 PM   
IvyMorgan


Posts: 729
Joined: 7/5/2007
From: Midlands, UK
Status: offline 		The first time I did blades, consensually, I was freaking out.  Blades, in the past, had been all about violence, and pain, and bleeding, nothing good, in short.  Learning blades can be sensual, as in, no cuts, no scratches, no bleeding, nothing... that was very weird, and did a wonderful job of messing with my head for the rest of the night.

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RE: Re-education - 9/18/2008 2:08:51 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

To the s types have you had re-education in your relationships when it comes to ways to play? Did you enjoy that learning curve, find it difficult?


Hi missterbation,

Wow can I relate.  I, too, came out of a long term relationship in which I received very little emotion from the master.  For the most part, I was treated quite harshly, and it worked for me for a long time...until it didn't.

I have recently spent a great deal of time talking to a man who is so very different from him.  I spent time with him last weekend, in fact, and relate to this "re-education" you're talking about.  The most awkward and difficult part of it for me was the fact that he wanted to hold me and snuggle up all night.  Other than my father, I had never been held by a man before this, and didn't know how to receive it.

At one point in the night while he was sleeping soundly, I scooted far away from him and cried.  It didn't feel right to be beside him like that, tucked into his arm.  I wondered, "What the hell am I doing here??"  And then before I knew it, a mumbled, "What are you doing way over there, sweetpea?" was spoken and I was gently pulled back in.  We talked about it in the morning, and he said he is enjoying teaching me what it's like to be treated, well, gently. 

Morning came and he said, "Coffee?" and I immediately hopped to it to go get him a cup.  He laughed and said, "No, my dear, I already have coffee.  Would you like a cup?"  All I could do was sit there with my mouth open.

Strange changes going on....strannnnnge changes.  I'm still processing it all...but I'm liking it!

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



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RE: Re-education - 9/18/2008 4:30:31 PM   
brat4fun


Posts: 47
Joined: 4/27/2008
Status: offline 		On my first meeting with my Sir (a "get to know you" meeting at a public party) I gave him a pair of crops that I'd had used on me by my former Master.  My former was very much a sadist... not into beatings for our fun - just to make me scream and cry, and not into warm-ups at all.  I took a three-year break after leaving him.  I'd pretty much convinced myself that I wanted nothing to do with crops (and other things) ever again.  I told Q that I'd give him the crops if he didn't use them on me. *grin*

During a later discussion he asked me if I would be willing to entertain the idea of him re-introducing the crop to me.  I agreed.

Just recently, I spent several hours with my Sir bound and gagged and at his feet. *happy sigh*  Something that I'd never done with the former Master.  Q pulled out one of the crops and told me that he'd be using it as an extension of his hand.  Without going into details.... it was lovely.

I can't wait to see what I get to learn and re-learn with my Sir!

lil Aidan


p.s.  Hope you feel better soon!
quote:

ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW
I don't know if this makes much sense -- my head is all full of 'gooey cotton' from a cold.

Calla Firestorm

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RE: Re-education - 9/18/2008 6:56:56 PM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline
quote:

I've found that the links between emotional connection and physical sensation are more intricate and more active than we tend to give credit for.

I completely agree, the play i do with Sir is completely different to that of my previous relationship which was unemotional.
I did fail to mention in my op though that i was not playing with Sir last weekend, he was working. I played with a reasonably new friend who Sir approved. Other than friendship and a big pile of respect on my part there is no emotional attachment.
 
quote:

As a d-type that you know...and who has said this to you before...~grins~...I am really enjoying your learning curve.

You sadist you
 
quote:

Strange changes going on....strannnnnge changes.  I'm still processing it all...but I'm liking it!

Sounds like we are pretty much in the same boat.




_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)
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RE: Re-education - 9/18/2008 7:05:34 PM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline
quote:

My former was very much a sadist... not into beatings for our fun - just to make me scream and cry, and not into warm-ups at all.  I took a three-year break after leaving him.  I'd pretty much convinced myself that I wanted nothing to do with crops (and other things) ever agai

I feel completely different about my experiences with my former Sir. I adored the cold caning and single tailing i recieved. However i was cold caned / whipped and then we would move on to gentler stuff, if you can call anything with my previous Sir gentle lol.
What sent me into a panic at the weekend was taking a flogging the likes of i'd never felt before and the thought that i had 36 back ripping single tail stokes to endure through too.
I do however have a hatred and terror of the cane and have not been able to let anyone use one on me other than my former Sir.Then it was only used for severe punishment. I too though think i am ready to either let Sir or my friend re-educate me on them sometime in the near future.

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to brat4fun)
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RE: Re-education - 9/18/2008 7:35:59 PM   
brat4fun


Posts: 47
Joined: 4/27/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation
I feel completely different about my experiences with my former Sir. I adored the cold caning and single tailing i recieved. However i was cold caned / whipped and then we would move on to gentler stuff, if you can call anything with my previous Sir gentle lol.
What sent me into a panic at the weekend was taking a flogging the likes of i'd never felt before and the thought that i had 36 back ripping single tail stokes to endure through too.
I do however have a hatred and terror of the cane and have not been able to let anyone use one on me other than my former Sir.Then it was only used for severe punishment. I too though think i am ready to either let Sir or my friend re-educate me on them sometime in the near future.


I may have had a different reaction to what he did to me were I a masochist. 

You're right, though, re-education isn't always about overcoming a fear of things that we haven't liked from the past.  Sometimes it's just a matter of finding out how things are different for each new person we encounter.  Kind of a nice feeling and a scary feeling at the same time.

lil Aidan

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RE: Re-education - 9/18/2008 7:44:52 PM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline 		 
Oh, I can so relate to this!  My first D/s relationship never included much TLC.  For the most part, I admit, I enjoyed the emotional S+M.  But there were times I needed more warmth but was not allowed to ask.  I was made to understand that this was the D/s way.  When I met S. he scared me lots and was very intense, but when he was done, instead of dressing and leaving me alone, he put his arms around me and held me.  I laugh every time I remember how my body went all stiff.  He looked at me funny and said ‘what’s wrong with you?’ and I replied with my own question, ‘what are you doing?’  I was happy to discover that D/s could indeed be warm and fuzzy.  And yes, it took me a very long time to be comfortable asking for a hug or a kiss.
And, OMG, when I met R. there was actual laughter during a scene!  I feared I’d  be sent to ‘submissive hell’ for the sin of levity!

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

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RE: Re-education - 9/18/2008 8:09:00 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation
To the s types have you had re-education in your relationships when it comes to ways to play? Did you enjoy that learning curve, find it difficult?

To the D types when you have had to re-educate in your relationships how did you find it?

As Calla said, this isn't unique to most relationships, it's certainly not even unique to Ds.  Long term situations form their own habits, their own languages, their own patterns, it's a union of two or more people together and that gets set in over time.  Changing it to someone else isn't a matter of putting on a new coat.

With good choices though, you may find that this new union fits the new you BETTER than ever and you grow into a much better you. 

It's sad though- the reason people stay in bad situations is because it's just what they know.  They won't risk getting more and better just because they are afraid to leave the "known."

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: Re-education - 9/18/2008 8:24:40 PM   
WhiplashSmile2


Posts: 526
Joined: 6/11/2008
Status: offline 		In terms of all my relationships, I have had to educate myself about the other person and educate them about me.   The emotional experiences being somewhat varied from relationship to relationship.

The thing about emotional involvement is that it involves somebody opening up of their mind, body and soul.   There's a whole connection of the mental to the physical.

The mind is a bit of a cornerstone to all that occurs in an emotional relationship.  I tend to want to get inside somebody's mind anyways.

Dealing with emotional things actually is way more intense compared to anything physically, at least in my book.    Physical pain and physical sensation is just that, it's something that one can mentally handle.   Emotionally opening yourself up requires going to places deep inside your heart and soul.   Way more intense compared to just physical.

I'm an emotional junkie anyways, so what can I say?  Enjoy the ride!

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RE: Re-education - 9/19/2008 7:09:46 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		Miss,

First off I want to say that I can see the immense growth you have gone through in your time here and I am highly impressed.  You should be proud of the changes you have made in yourself, growth is never easy but in the long run, it is truly worth it.

As LA said, every relationship has its patterns, its language.  Certain acts, certain tones signal things to partners and we tend to integrate those deeply.  The trick is to understand that and realize that things can be different, to know that your expectations of things are somewhat relative.  There is a bdsm technique called "layering" where you take a normal act, something someone enjoys or hates, depending on your goal and you layer other sensations in, sound, touch, sight, temperature, texture, etc.   Spanking someone when the room is warm and your tone of voice is soft is a very different experience than doing in a very cold room with a harsh tone of voice.  Add in things like different sorts of music.  Take a masochist who loves having her cunt tortured and finds it erotic as hell.  Play country music and the experience could turn from hot to horrible and if you are a sadist, well that just might be hot but since I can't stand country, well ain't gonna do that one!

Now in your case, you are adding in emotions, what more powerful layer can there be?  Add in a change of physical style as well and you bet your ass things are going to feel different.  Just remember Miss, you DESERVE happiness and live accordingly.

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RE: Re-education - 9/19/2008 7:40:10 AM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		I hope that the relationship that stops re-educating themselves as the days go by are comfortable with stagnation if they hope to endure over the long-term.

I been with Alandra for a bit... and things have been a continue change and re-education.... and the little time with Kyra is proving not to be any different.   If there wasn't this change... I think I would find it very difficult to be in the relationship for the long-term.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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RE: Re-education - 9/19/2008 8:42:26 AM   
softness


Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

quote:

My former was very much a sadist... not into beatings for our fun - just to make me scream and cry, and not into warm-ups at all.  I took a three-year break after leaving him.  I'd pretty much convinced myself that I wanted nothing to do with crops (and other things) ever agai

I feel completely different about my experiences with my former Sir. I adored the cold caning and single tailing i recieved. However i was cold caned / whipped and then we would move on to gentler stuff, if you can call anything with my previous Sir gentle lol.
What sent me into a panic at the weekend was taking a flogging the likes of i'd never felt before and the thought that i had 36 back ripping single tail stokes to endure through too.
I do however have a hatred and terror of the cane and have not been able to let anyone use one on me other than my former Sir.Then it was only used for severe punishment. I too though think i am ready to either let Sir or my friend re-educate me on them sometime in the near future.


you might want to work out how many thousands of minutes late you were with that text message this week *BEFORE* you mention that for 3 reasons

a) Ice will be at my birthday party .... armed and dangerous
b) I do believe that somewhere in among all the screaming snot and tears there was a promise never to be late again
finally, anm arguably most importantly
c) anything you get, I get too .... REMEMBER!!! ... except I get it FIRST when Ice is nice and rested and full of energy!

_____________________________

proudly wearing the blue collar of consideration to DK Leather, Leatherdykeuk, and LeatherEagle of the UK KRueL Leather Family

veritas, respectus honorque in corio





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RE: Re-education - 9/19/2008 4:15:33 PM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline
quote:

you might want to work out how many thousands of minutes late you were with that text message this week

Ice was kind enough to work it out for me. 3 days, 72 hours, 4320 minutes late.
 
With regards to the cane i'm not saying anything until i am sure i am ready to face them again.

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

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RE: Re-education - 9/19/2008 4:19:08 PM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline
quote:

The trick is to understand that and realize that things can be different, to know that your expectations of things are somewhat relative.

I'm learning this very slowly.
 
quote:

I hope that the relationship that stops re-educating themselves as the days go by are comfortable with stagnation if they hope to endure over the long-term.

Interesting point. I hadn't thought of this in regards to learning new 'play' behaviour.


_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Re-education - 9/19/2008 6:24:29 PM   
pixidustpet


Posts: 857
Joined: 6/4/2008
Status: offline 		for me, re-education has been the learning process of "TheEngineer is a whole nother person than i'm used to dealing with".  not just a dominant, not just a wise ass....he's also willing to let me be *me*, to listen to my needs and help me articulate them also, to be ok with my insecurities while reminding me at the same time that he isnt going to do those things.

my wee brain goes all 'splodey at times.  and its a good thing.

kitten

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