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Quick question about relationships - 9/8/2008 1:13:09 PM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline 		You've been cheated on by your partner.

What causes you the most pain? Betrayal of trust? Sexual infidelity? Deception?

What would be the most hurtful or painful aspect of someone cheating on you?


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RE: Quick question about relationships - 9/8/2008 1:18:07 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		When it happens... I think it is all of the above and so blended emotionally one can't figure that out! lol  One thing feeds into the other and it is hard making sense of it all.  After things calm down I think the betrayal and deception are the things that remain longer and are kind of the same thing.  At least for me it is. lol

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RE: Quick question about relationships - 9/8/2008 1:21:42 PM   
MissIsis


Posts: 473
Joined: 1/1/2005
Status: offline 		The lying & dishonesty about it.  I believe that When someone cheats on  a person, from my experience, the person feels it in some way.  It is hard to put a finger on it, but something changes in the relationship.  Deep down, we know some kind of deception has or is going on.  It reminds me of someone telling someone they aren't seeing something that is there.  After hearing that over & over again, the person starts to doubt themselves, what they are seeing & what they know.  After awhile, if the person doesn't think they are going crazy, they begin to doubt everything around them. 

Creating that kind of confusion for someone is just not a kind thing to do to anyone.

And you know what?  Eventually, it all comes out anyway. 

After that, betrayal, for trusting someone I shouldn't have, the lack of future trust, which I would no longer have with the person probably hurts the most.  If someone wants someone else, I do believe the best they can do is gift the person with the truth, & let them make an informed decision as to whether they want to walk away, or stay. 

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RE: Quick question about relationships - 9/8/2008 1:41:02 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
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quote:

ORIGINAL: stella41b
You've been cheated on by your partner.
What causes you the most pain? Betrayal of trust? Sexual infidelity? Deception?
What would be the most hurtful or painful aspect of someone cheating on you?


stella,
The MOST pain would be caused by the termination of our relationship.

Second most, would be the pain of knowing that I didn't generate enough trust in beth to have her come to me so I could help facilitate whatever experience or sensation she desired.

Third most would be the disappointment that I missed out on joining in on something FUN.

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RE: Quick question about relationships - 9/8/2008 1:43:00 PM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		The betrayal of trust - and the reality that the person couldn't confide in me.
The rest is the 'fluff' for me.
 
the.dark.

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RE: Quick question about relationships - 9/8/2008 2:19:07 PM   
slaveboyforyou


Posts: 3607
Joined: 1/6/2005
From: Arkansas, U.S.A.
Status: offline 		The betrayal hurts the most for me.  It's hard for me to trust someone completely.  When I love someone; I am extremely gullible.  I will believe everything they tell me.  The fact that they use that to take advantage of me hurts horribly.  What pisses me off the most when that's happened, is the lengths that people will go to to carry on a deception.  The lies get more and more outrageous, and you have to eventually play detective to get to the truth.  I won't ever go through that again.  It's not worth the stress.  I happen to think I'm a pretty good catch.  I'm not going to wait around on someone to change, because they almost never do. 

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RE: Quick question about relationships - 9/8/2008 2:23:03 PM   
coupleowl


Posts: 473
Joined: 7/4/2008
Status: offline 		I'd be pissed off by the fact that my partner didn't tell me they were interesting in fooling around with another person. So I suppose that would fall under deception?


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RE: Quick question about relationships - 9/8/2008 2:35:35 PM   
Aneirin


Posts: 6121
Joined: 3/18/2006
From: Tamaris
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: stella41b

You've been cheated on by your partner.

What causes you the most pain? Betrayal of trust? Sexual infidelity? Deception?

What would be the most hurtful or painful aspect of someone cheating on you?



I have never cheated on a partner, but I have left a marriage, why, because I could not take the distrust and suggestions that I was playing away any more.

But now I am away, I now understand, I am secretive, it is part of my nature, and I had an insecure wife whose previous marriage was one based upon deceipt and mistrust, my nature of being secretive amplified the mistrust. I will not now blame my wife because I understand, but I was not aware how damaging my secretive nature was. I was possibly extraordinarily secretive, because at that time, my kinky desires fell on stony ground and I was not that happy with myself.

I can still be secretive, but thanks to an understanding and fantastic friend, I have learned so much that I am now very open with everything, if asked, I hide nothing, that is unless I am planning a sneaky gift or experience, in which case I will construct a means of gaining tension and wonder, before it happens. Possibly childish, but I enjoy it, the fun is the wonder, not the end result.

The most hurtful thing if a partner cheated, well that was having it rubbed in your face, the partner revealing the action with malicious intent. Now, I am the sort of guy that understands that if things go extra marital with a partner, there is a reason. I don't get angry and start lobbing about violence, but I see what happened as a natural progression from something that has gone wrong, perhaps something I was not aware of. That being, if the partner repents their action, I forgive, but then start making inroads to what caused the deviation, and there rectify it.

The biggest most effective way of avoided problems within relationships, is to communicate with complete honesty and understanding, we must not forget, no matter how well we think we know someone, they are an individual with a different way of thinking. Communication and it's understanding is always open to interpretation as we all understand things differently, often words are not enough.


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RE: Quick question about relationships - 9/8/2008 2:38:49 PM   
lronitulstahp


Posts: 5392
Joined: 10/17/2007
Status: offline 		Having experienced this first hand....the thing that hurt most:  Knowing that intimacy (not just sex, but private thoughts....moments shared together...romance)occurred with another.  Feeling less special, because something i cherished as unique and special was somehow 'sullied'. It cheapened every other aspect of the relationship.  The emotional connection on whatever level, for me, was betrayal, and much more hurtful than just the sexual part. 

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RE: Quick question about relationships - 9/8/2008 3:06:33 PM   
seeksfemslave


Posts: 4011
Joined: 6/16/2006
Status: offline 		Surely it is necessary to take into account the true state of the relationship when the cheating(?) occurs. This as far as I know is never mentioned.

In my experience many people are just incapable of recognising that their perceptions are not shared. In which case I expect that the cheating is a bolt from the blue.

Having said that there are lots of manipulative selfish people who cause plenty of distress.

C'est la vie. n'est ce-pas ?




< Message edited by seeksfemslave -- 9/8/2008 3:09:37 PM >

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RE: Quick question about relationships - 9/8/2008 3:24:58 PM   
Bethnai


Posts: 492
Joined: 11/8/2007
Status: offline 		Deception.

Although, over the years, I have been able to figure out before it occurs and end it. I find that I am more focused on, how could I not see it coming? Self-deception.
How could I think somebody was worth more than what they actually were? 



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RE: Quick question about relationships - 9/8/2008 3:56:41 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline 		Hubby said it was the lying much more than the cheating that hurt him the most.

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RE: Quick question about relationships - 9/8/2008 3:58:46 PM   
xXLithiumXx


Posts: 723
Joined: 9/2/2008
From: Hell, Kentucky
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lronitulstahp

Having experienced this first hand....the thing that hurt most:  Knowing that intimacy (not just sex, but private thoughts....moments shared together...romance)occurred with another.  Feeling less special, because something i cherished as unique and special was somehow 'sullied'. It cheapened every other aspect of the relationship.  The emotional connection on whatever level, for me, was betrayal, and much more hurtful than just the sexual part. 



I have to agree with this. For me it was, was he laughing with her the way he did me? Was he kissing her? Was he thinking about her when he was with me? Why wasnt I good enough? What did I do wrong? What was I lacking? Where did I miss?
Was he touching her the way he touched me? Was he whispering to her the way he was me?

Was everything he promised me a lie? Was I stupid? What did I miss?

Its a circle and I drive myself crazy with it. Im still with him, I love him, he was my best friend, maybe that makes me stupid, am I stupid? I dont know. I cant answer that. Somedays I look at him or it comes up in conversation and I want to kill him. I want to hurt him and I want to die...and maybe I do die a little on the inside when I think about it.

But at the same time, I chose to forgive and to try and work past it...no matter how much it hurts or how much I die...or how many times I find myself wondering is he lying to me again.

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RE: Quick question about relationships - 9/8/2008 4:00:57 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: stella41b

You've been cheated on by your partner.

What causes you the most pain? Betrayal of trust? Sexual infidelity? Deception?

What would be the most hurtful or painful aspect of someone cheating on you?


The lying was bad. The stealing money to pay for the hookers was worse... the diseases he brought home were about the worst possible.



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RE: Quick question about relationships - 9/8/2008 4:25:05 PM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline 		The deception was a knife thru the heart.  Instead of turning towards me to work on getting his emotional needs met, he gave up and turned elsewhere.  It was not about the physical issues, it was about him telling women (multiple women) that he was single (truth is we were married), no kids (our baby was less than 6 weeks old, if I recall correctly), sending them money (when we had practically none), all because he wanted to be someone's "hero" and he couldn't be mine.


Cali


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RE: Quick question about relationships - 9/8/2008 4:30:38 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		The sexual infidelity would be the least of it.  The deception would be the worst.  I am too trusting of those I am close to, and that puts me in a bad position.

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RE: Quick question about relationships - 9/8/2008 5:10:14 PM   
MmeGigs


Posts: 706
Joined: 1/26/2008
Status: offline 		I suppose it's the deception.  For me, unless there is an explicit mutual agreement that we're monogamous, I assume my partner is seeing other people.  I haven't had many relationships where this has come up, mostly because I haven't had many relationships where we made that kind of agreement.  When I've had that kind of agreement, I've expected it to be honored.  When my partner cheated, it was over.  I don't recall feeling betrayed, just really pissed off.  Why did they pull me into a monogamous thing when they had no intention of being monogamous?  I suspect that it was often just to keep me from messing around with anyone else.  It's not like I was going to stop messing around with them if I didn't have A Commitment.  I wasn't really relationship-oriented and didn't care if fellows I was seeing were seeing other women as long as they were up front with me about it so I wouldn't be surprised if I saw them out on a date.  I was damned easy to get along with as long as I knew what was up.  Still am.

It would be really difficult for my hubby to cheat on me, because we're best friends and he's a truly decent fellow  It would also be difficult for him to cheat because I don't much care who he messes around with.  If he was late coming home because a great nooner had thrown off his schedule, I'd be happy for him.  Seriously - I'd much rather hear that than that he'd been stuck all day waiting at a loading dock.  He'd have to arrange a secret rendezvous with someone I've expressly forbidden him to play with in order to actually cheat on me, but he doesn't like those people any more than I do.  If he saw anything worthy in them, he wouldn't be forbidden to play with them.

If, for the sake of argument, hubby were to sneak off with an untouchable, I think that would be the end of us.  I hadn't really thought about it before, and assumed I could forgive him, but as I think about it, there would be no way for me to see this other than that he intentionally chose to violate my clearly stated hard limit (to inject some kink into the conversation).  Unless he claimed rape and was pressing charges, he'd be out the door.  He wouldn't be my best friend anymore, and I don't think that I could live like that.

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RE: Quick question about relationships - 9/8/2008 5:32:01 PM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: stella41b

You've been cheated on by your partner.

What causes you the most pain? Betrayal of trust? Sexual infidelity? Deception?

What would be the most hurtful or painful aspect of someone cheating on you?


That I was not invited to participate

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RE: Quick question about relationships - 9/8/2008 7:28:53 PM   
candystripper


Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: stella41b

You've been cheated on by your partner.

What causes you the most pain? Betrayal of trust? Sexual infidelity? Deception?

What would be the most hurtful or painful aspect of someone cheating on you?



Well, the first time it happened, I didn't imagine he was capable of it.  He kept telling me I was imagining things.  I felt I was losing my mind...and I grew to hate her...which I suppose is a defense mechanism for women who are dependent on these men and still want them back.
 
After that, it was 'f**k whomever you wish, just don't touch me', and I slept on the sofa.
 
Now, I wouldn't put myself -- or any other woman -- through this kind of hell.
 
candystripper 
 
 

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RE: Quick question about relationships - 9/8/2008 7:35:42 PM   
Vendaval


Posts: 10297
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline 		The lying is an automatic relationship termination for me.
 
As honest and open as I am about communication, expectations and boundaries the other person(s) better be going by the same standards.

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