StrangerThan
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quote:
ORIGINAL: MadRabbit
What about you?
Is what you want or need now different then what you wanted or needed when you first came to this "thing"?
If so, what brought about the changes that made you realize what you thought you originally wanted or needed wasn't right for you?
If not, why did you continue the same direction as in the beginning without going a different path?
Yes, it's different. Mainly because the first decade was an odd blend of thrill rides, learning, and trying to figure out what really mattered and what didn't. The thrill rides ended up with that same sort of tired, hollow feeling you have late at night at a fairground. Yeah it was fun. Yeah, it was time to move on. One of the lessons learned during that time was while they're vastly different in some respects, in others, BDSM relationships aren't that different from any other relationship. Yes, we're kinky folk. Yes, we Doms exert varying degrees of control over our submissives, and submissives need and accept varying degrees of control from Doms. Yes, we can seem wickedly perverse, wildly sadistic, intensely loving.. just downright intense at times, and in that respect the highs and lows in this lifestyle seemed an exagerated sine wave riding atop the flat lines and gentler curves of traditional relationships.
At the same time, I saw a lot of broken people who often spoke of a previous Dominant or submissive in glowing and sometimes wistful terms. The question that kept coming to mind was, well, if it was that good, why did it end? The answer to that was simple in some respects, complex in others. The simple things I could handle. Relationships fail all the time over simple things where the initial attraction fades or disappears completely once past the facade people usually create when presenting themselves to the world It was the complex reasons that kept my mind working. Some where in there came the realization that a decent portion of humanity, myself included, needed those thrill rides to begin to understand that the rides themselves, weren't enough, that while it may be a great place to visit, living there wasn't a good thing. In the end all of that coalesced into a phrase I often use without much explanation, that one person's need never fully encompasses another person's
How it all ties together is my perspective, no one else's. So don't take it as I'm lecturing because I'm not. I just realized where my place on the graph of sine waves was. We take a lot of time distancing ourselves from the nilla world, but in reality, anything that lasts has to encompass it. Having had that feeling of being at the fairground too late at night too many times, the lasting part of it is what began to matter more so than simply riding the rides. Yeah, I still wanted the thrills but the thrill itself didn't hit the basic needs we all have as people - the Maslow heirarchy - bodily comforts, Safety/security, Belonging and Love, to achieve, be competent, gain approval and recognition. Never fully encompassing another's need essentially means that my needs and wants may strike enough of a chord in someone to be binding for a while, but if I don't see to those things like the need to belong, to feel, to gain approval, to have some security in the relationship, then I lose. If I don't understand that as twisted as my mind can be sometimes, my submissive may have a good set of twists and kinks of her own, I lose.
While bending one's will to another's can be seen as the cornerstone to D/s types of relationships, the bottom line is that if you want something to last, you'll spend the time to discover and play on those things in the other's mind within the rules of your relationship. And hell, a lot of times they're pretty good twists and kinks. Grin. That doesn't mean every fantasy or every perversion has to be realized. It means that as a Dominant, I see it as another type of play space, a place where I can put her where I want her mentally, physically and emotionally by finding those triggers inside her that drive her over the edge, and put her there in a way that's safe, sane, and keeps her whole afterwards. It may be realizing something she's had in her mind forever, or simply playing with scenes that contain enough nuances of those thoughts to prompt the response. In other words, it's not all about me. That sentence may not sound too Domly but in my reality, I will see to it that my needs are met. When it comes to it lasting however, the realization is there that both sides have needs, otherwise we wouldn't be together in the first place. The playground her mind, body and imagination have to offer is something I will take the time to explore, and take the time to wrap what I find into our relationship if it is something that can be done without harming it. Even if it does stand a chance of harming it, often you can play with the basic concepts and still elicit the response you want in a manner that doesn't. Wrap all of that together with Maslow, i.e. provide the security that lets trust grow so those things can be done, don't set her up to fail, teaching her where she belongs and at least I have created the space where it can last. That doesn't mean it will. It means that if it doesn't, I won't be looking back with should have's and could have's. It means I'll put it in perspective for being what it was and move on.
My path didn't change. I still want the same things that brought me here in the first place. I just realized that it held a lot more value for me over time rather than just in riding the rides for the thrill, that the exagerated sine wave worked best when it had some of the gentler curves holding it up so that on the downslope, we ended up back at the basics and not in some deep, dark chasm where good things were talked about in retrospect.
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RE: Figuring out "YOU" - 
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