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Feeling Useful - 9/1/2008 11:11:24 AM

kyraofMists

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Joined: 7/29/2005
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One of discussions we had early on in our relationship was in regards to being useful and feeling useful. There were many things that we did on a daily basis that were useful to him, but it did not necessarily make us feel useful.

For myself, I came to understand what I needed at the time to get that feeling, but I also learned to broaden my perspective so that I could see my usefulness to him in many other ways.

What do you need or does your submissive need in order to feel useful? If you partner perceives something as useful to them, does it automatically make you/them feel useful? Do you even need to feel useful in your relationship?

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

Post #: 1

RE: Feeling Useful - 9/1/2008 11:13:21 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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Well usefulness is very important to me because I am such a pragmatist, a materialist and just generally someone who enjoys seeing "something" from their work come as a result. For me to feel useful? I guess I just need to see some change, some result that was not there before.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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Post #: 2

RE: Feeling Useful - 9/1/2008 11:14:03 AM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
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Kyra, can you give an example of something that was useful to him, but did not make you feel useful? I'm drawing a blank, trying to think of the most mundane chore, that would not make me feel useful, if it was something useful to him.

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

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Post #: 3

RE: Feeling Useful - 9/1/2008 11:22:07 AM

azropedntied

Posts: 1829
Joined: 7/25/2005
From: Phx AZ
Status: offline

would not being useful , be seeing something whatever the size task and getting it done for a person with out prompt .recognition being a part of the reward after completion.

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 4

RE: Feeling Useful - 9/1/2008 11:27:56 AM

angelspassion4u

Posts: 632
Joined: 7/17/2006
From: Angels
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For me since I don't have a Dom I try to do things for people at work and when they are happy for what I did it makes me happy because I felt useful by helping them. It also works against me at times ( as pointed out to me by my co-workers) I tend to be taken advantage of. But I like the feeling I get when I have done something to make another happy. It is the same feeling I use to get when I was in relationships ( vanilla ones). When I would make a romantic evening ( surprising him) or when I was at the store getting something that he liked. To me by making him happy I was happy and felt useful. I miss that, I hope when I finally am in a relationship with a Dom I will be able to fulfill that need in me. I feel so un-useful in that state of not being in a relationship.

_____________________________

Recommends books by Victoria Morris through Pink Flamingo publishers.
"You can PLEASE some people some of the time, most people most of the time, but NEVER all the people all of the time."

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Post #: 5

RE: Feeling Useful - 9/1/2008 12:44:37 PM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

One of discussions we had early on in our relationship was in regards to being useful and feeling useful. There were many things that we did on a daily basis that were useful to him, but it did not necessarily make us feel useful.

For myself, I came to understand what I needed at the time to get that feeling, but I also learned to broaden my perspective so that I could see my usefulness to him in many other ways.

What do you need or does your submissive need in order to feel useful? If you partner perceives something as useful to them, does it automatically make you/them feel useful? Do you even need to feel useful in your relationship?

Knight's Kyra

Just as long as i am being used then i feel useful. Simple; anything from cooking, shopping, cleaning, sitting looking pretty, being cut, being restrained, being in conversation, being on His arm, being at his feet....being used. As for who needs it? It's a reciprocity rather than a dynamic in one direction and based on may years fo experiencing a one-sidied dynamic )in whatever direction) reciprocity is in the moment..... being used equals usefulness, no limits.

_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

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Post #: 6

RE: Feeling Useful - 9/1/2008 12:47:19 PM

azropedntied

Posts: 1829
Joined: 7/25/2005
From: Phx AZ
Status: offline

Why not get involved with in your own local community and volunteer your service skills , i know our local space values that very much , and you could in turn benifit from the service you provide -maybe be exposed to that special Dom /Master who has not found you yet ..

quote:

ORIGINAL: angelspassion4u

For me since I don't have a Dom I try to do things for people at work and when they are happy for what I did it makes me happy because I felt useful by helping them. It also works against me at times ( as pointed out to me by my co-workers) I tend to be taken advantage of. But I like the feeling I get when I have done something to make another happy. It is the same feeling I use to get when I was in relationships ( vanilla ones). When I would make a romantic evening ( surprising him) or when I was at the store getting something that he liked. To me by making him happy I was happy and felt useful. I miss that, I hope when I finally am in a relationship with a Dom I will be able to fulfill that need in me. I feel so un-useful in that state of not being in a relationship.

(in reply to angelspassion4u)

Post #: 7

RE: Feeling Useful - 9/1/2008 1:10:19 PM

angelspassion4u

Posts: 632
Joined: 7/17/2006
From: Angels
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quote:

ORIGINAL: azropedntied

Why not get involved with in your own local community and volunteer your service skills , i know our local space values that very much , and you could in turn benifit from the service you provide -maybe be exposed to that special Dom /Master who has not found you yet ..

That was a bit of what I was trying to say with what I do at work. I didn't say all that I do in my life. I do things when my time permits with other things. But all that just helps me feel useful until and after I find that special Dom. I guess I just explained it wrong, sorry.

_____________________________

Recommends books by Victoria Morris through Pink Flamingo publishers.
"You can PLEASE some people some of the time, most people most of the time, but NEVER all the people all of the time."

(in reply to azropedntied)

Post #: 8

RE: Feeling Useful - 9/1/2008 1:15:37 PM

azropedntied

Posts: 1829
Joined: 7/25/2005
From: Phx AZ
Status: offline

Tis fine angel , smiles , time is just that and we do what we can as time allows . Best wishes on your journey .. thank you for your services too know your service does not go un noticed by all .

quote:

ORIGINAL: angelspassion4u

quote:

ORIGINAL: azropedntied

Why not get involved with in your own local community and volunteer your service skills , i know our local space values that very much , and you could in turn benifit from the service you provide -maybe be exposed to that special Dom /Master who has not found you yet ..

That was a bit of what I was trying to say with what I do at work. I didn't say all that I do in my life. I do things when my time permits with other things. But all that just helps me feel useful until and after I find that special Dom. I guess I just explained it wrong, sorry.

(in reply to angelspassion4u)

Post #: 9

RE: Feeling Useful - 9/1/2008 1:20:46 PM

leadership527

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Joined: 6/2/2008
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Well, I prefer to think in terms of "good for her" rather than "useful to her", but it's close enough. For myself, almost anything that she finds useful, I would also unless I was pretty certain it was bad for her. In addition, I have my own list of ways that I would like to be useful that I put on the list. And finally, "Yes, I desparately need to understand how I am useful to her in order to feel like I am doing my job as her master, life partner, and guy who claims to love her."

< Message edited by leadership527 -- 9/1/2008 1:23:47 PM >

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Post #: 10

RE: Feeling Useful - 9/1/2008 1:26:02 PM

lizcgirl

Posts: 287
Joined: 4/13/2008
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I feel the most useful when my actions please Him. It may sound overly simple, but that's what works for me. If I hate doing a task, even if it's the every day things I have to do no matter if I have a Master or not (like dishes, I HATE doing dishes!!), it helps me feel useful if I think of how pleased He would be to come in and have all of that done before He even opened the door. Recently my Master had to be out of town for two weeks because of a very ill close family member. I was helpless to actually be there and help Him with His stress so I made sure that He had one less thing to worry about by just being supportive and patient and maintaining everything here while He was gone. It was difficult because I didn't feel useful to Him during those weeks, but when He came home the relief He had from simply not having to worry about what I was doing while He was gone made me feel VERY useful.

_____________________________

Never make some one a priority when all you are to them is an option.

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Post #: 11

RE: Feeling Useful - 9/1/2008 1:26:38 PM

softpjOS

Posts: 398
Joined: 6/7/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

One of discussions we had early on in our relationship was in regards to being useful and feeling useful. There were many things that we did on a daily basis that were useful to him, but it did not necessarily make us feel useful.

For myself, I came to understand what I needed at the time to get that feeling, but I also learned to broaden my perspective so that I could see my usefulness to him in many other ways.

What do you need or does your submissive need in order to feel useful? If you partner perceives something as useful to them, does it automatically make you/them feel useful? Do you even need to feel useful in your relationship?

Knight's Kyra

Personally, i do need to feel useful, see/feel that i am making a difference in Her life.

Sometimes i find myself questioning my "usefullness" to Her, failing to see where i am making a difference. I'm not sure why, or what causes me to start the cycle of self doubt, but i do see it as a 'me' problem and do not look to Her to "fix it". We've had the "talk" many times. lol. And i've finally gotten to where i can *see* myself slipping into the self doubt and "fix myself". I try to focus on what i do, and what Her life would be without me doing those things... see things from Her perspective. She is most generous with "thank you" and "I really appreciate you doing ___", so it's not that i'm missing or seeking praise or validation.

I am a very challenge driven person. Love to be pushed and *expected* to step up and just take care of things without being told or having it pointed out to me. That said, perhaps those times that i don't "feel useful" are times that i'm unhappy with my own "performance".

quote:

If you partner perceives something as useful to them, does it automatically make you/them feel useful?

Yes and no.

Example.

Yesterday, She was having a birthday party at Her house.

Any given day you may find me there helping with dinner, doing the kitchen. A most typical "every day" thing, which would include us talking, joking around and just enjoying life. Nothing She can't handle, do Herself. Most often while we are cooking, She is wandering off to see to something else She needs to do, knowing i have it covered.

Yesterday truly wasn't that different from any other day; i was cooking, She was wandering in and out. We peeled potatoes together, talking and joking around. She'd leave to go do something else, people arrived and She sat on the deck talking to them. I'd bounce out, say hello and go back inside to resume working on something. No different from any other afternoon at Her house.

It wasn't that i was doing anything any different , it was how i saw it, i saw Her relaxing, the smile on Her face when She came in to frost the cake and it was already done. I was more focused on Her, and less on the task at hand.

Maybe i just take what i do for granted. Is that possible? We often hear people complain about others taking us for granted, can we do it to ourselves? I mean yes, the same task in any given circumstances is helpful/useful to Her, so why would i see it differently? I don't dread, resent doing it at any time, i truly enjoy cooking/doing for Her. Why the different head space? I can only think it boils down to me taking the focus off the task and placing it on Her and seeing it from Her eyes; not something i made a conscience decision to do, nothing She did/said to change it.....

and with that, off to think about what i just typed.

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 12

RE: Feeling Useful - 9/1/2008 1:27:16 PM

Kalista07

Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline

Kyra,
i can relate to this topic, especially right now. Normally, my cleaning the apartment, doing the dishes, making His lunch to take to work, etc are things that He prefers me to do which allow me to feel useful. However, recently i was in a horrible car accident. Currently that has changed, and it takes me being (sometimes gently and sometimes not so much so) reminded that taking care of myself is being as much of a use to Him as the other stuff. He's sleeping right now, but before He went to sleep we just had a conversation about How i believed i needed to get up and do the dishes. He informed me that the only thing i needed to do was to lay down and take care of myself. That to be of any use to Him, i must first and foremost take care of myself. Somewhere in the back of my head that makes sense, but it does not feel good.
i hope this made sense and was on track with what You were asking,
Kali

_____________________________

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
~~Sweedish Proverb

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Post #: 13

RE: Feeling Useful - 9/1/2008 1:43:32 PM

slaveluci

Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists
What do you need or does your submissive need in order to feel useful?

What I need to feel useful is to see I'm making positive contributions to our household and relationship/marriage. When I first moved to AR from WV, I was unemployed. I immediately began a job search but it took some time to get results. I felt very un-useful because I was not contributing monetarily. Mind you, I had brought a small chunk of savings with me and Master never, ever contributed to my negative feelings about not bringing in a paycheck temporarily but it was/is ingrained in me to believe I should help pay my way. I didn't have any reason to be staying at home while He worked (no kids to care for, etc.) and having to do so just tore me apart. I literally became depressed until I was able to secure a decent job.

Even though I knew I was being very useful to Him in many ways around the house, a huge part of me just couldn't feel I was doing my best until I could contribute monetarily as well. We aren't one of the couples who are fortunate enough for only one of us to work and still maintain the life we desire and only after I could go out there and bring home a fat check to add to the pot did I feel I was most COMPLETELY serving Him.

Other things that make me "feel" useful are the daily things I do to make His life easier. I love cooking nice meals and packing Him delicious lunches. Though I don't enjoy it as much, I also keep the other household chores done and done well. Master was a bachelor for several years before we met and knowing that He loves no longer having to do laundry warms my heart

. I know I'm useful to Him in "big picture" ways too, of course, but it's these day-to-day "making it easier and comfortable" ways that I need to "feel" it.

quote:

If you partner perceives something as useful to them, does it automatically make you/them feel useful?

Yes, I suppose. It may not make me feel AS useful as I'd like, but anything I do that He desires tells me I'm being useful to Him in the way HE desires most. That is what counts - serving Him how He desires, not how I do, right?

quote:

Do you even need to feel useful in your relationship?

Absolutely! If I didn't feel useful, why would I even want to be here? I MUST know that I'm very pleasing and satisfactory in every way to the very best of my ability................luci

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

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Post #: 14

RE: Feeling Useful - 9/1/2008 2:39:15 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

I need to feel useful and why I consider myself a service slave. I don't want him to do everything for me. I don't want to feel like I'm a burden or being taken care of. I need to know that I'm doing things for him so that his life is pleasureable and easier to manage.

If I'm unsure of my usefulness I'll ask him and if he says I am being useful no matter how small the task then I take his word for it and that's good enough for me.

(in reply to slaveluci)

Post #: 15

RE: Feeling Useful - 9/1/2008 3:02:38 PM

Wildfleurs

Posts: 1650
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

One of discussions we had early on in our relationship was in regards to being useful and feeling useful. There were many things that we did on a daily basis that were useful to him, but it did not necessarily make us feel useful.

For myself, I came to understand what I needed at the time to get that feeling, but I also learned to broaden my perspective so that I could see my usefulness to him in many other ways.

What do you need or does your submissive need in order to feel useful? If you partner perceives something as useful to them, does it automatically make you/them feel useful? Do you even need to feel useful in your relationship?

Knight's Kyra

I like to feel useful, like I'm adding something practically of value in our relationship. While I believe that on an emotional level, people who are positive forces add an immense amount of support, because I'm a literal and pragmatic sort of person I like to feel useful in very practical ways. I also view it as being part and parcel of being an all purpose type of slave.

In terms of things I do to feel useful, thats primarily where the service plays into things. Whether its doing laundry, organizing trips/social type calendar things, bootblacking his shoes/boots, or some of the more private things that I do for him. I find that they do make me feel useful and also during times when one or both of us are busy it helps me still feel connected to him by doing things for him.

C~

_____________________________

"Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid." -despair.com

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The heart of it all - http://www.wildfleurs.com
~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

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Post #: 16

RE: Feeling Useful - 9/1/2008 3:04:06 PM

IvyMorgan

Posts: 729
Joined: 7/5/2007
From: Midlands, UK
Status: offline

I like being useful.

I'm just thinking about two relationships I have/had. In the first, I'm useful when asked, like, I showed up last week and he said "oh great, you can hold the baby, I can work out now", or I fetch wardrobes becuase I have a car and he and his wife don't... little things, but, it's how we interact.

In the other, I was frequently "useful", I did lots of different things, a lot of the time, even post surgery pre haemorage when I was *supposed* to be resting. (Cooking dinner did not cause the complications, they would have happened anyway.)

The first relationship is good, I like it, I find it fulfilling, I am happy. The second one ultimately crashed and burned. I think becuase although I was *useful* it was never acknowledged, there were very few thankyous, there was very little reciprocity... I'm low maintenance, but the maintenance I was getting was not the sort I needed to feel fulfilled.

So, useful... not the be all and end all, and can eventually lead to me feeling resentful. I have a feeling I never ATQ now.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 17

RE: Feeling Useful - 9/1/2008 3:07:25 PM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
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Wanted to add: it is very difficult for me to feel that i am useful/being used when i am sitting still for example otr sleeping.
However my Master recently reminded me to sit...simply to sit next to Him. it was a hard lesson. Difficult to sit and do nothng and accept that it gives Him pleasure.
Even more difficult to have fallen asleep and then to have woken seeing Him looking at me.
Some of my conclusions about this?
I am also allowed to make mistakes in judgment: so if i feel inadequate, feel i ought to be doing more (than is possible, or healthy, or good for me) then i am reminded that it absolutely ok for me to make mistakes otherwise how am i going to learn?
i have concluded that i am being used all the time since i consented to do so and that therefore i am always being useful, if not in my own eyes, then in His. And that's what counts.

_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 18

RE: Feeling Useful - 9/1/2008 3:19:09 PM

lronitulstahp

Posts: 5392
Joined: 10/17/2007
Status: offline

What do you need or does your submissive need in order to feel useful?
A task, an assignment, a purpose. Knowing in any way that i am doing something for Him that will make life easier or more pleasant in the end.
If you partner perceives something as useful to them, does it automatically make you/them feel useful?
Yes. it could be the smallest most mundane thing...and if my partner says i have been helpful, useful or needed as a result of my act....i am quite content knowing that i served my purpose.
Do you even need to feel useful in your relationship?
It is perhaps one of the strongest driving forces for me, in submission.. In fact, when i am not being useful, i feel as if i serve no purpose. It is a sort of emotionally disjointed sensation.

_____________________________

Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 19

RE: Feeling Useful - 9/1/2008 3:24:11 PM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick
Kyra, can you give an example of something that was useful to him, but did not make you feel useful? I'm drawing a blank, trying to think of the most mundane chore, that would not make me feel useful, if it was something useful to him.

Making the bed every morning. For myself, I see no benefit or point in having a made bed every single day. I like the bed to be straightened, but not necessarily made. I perceive it as a waste of time.

He wants the bed made every single morning and done by the time he gets out of the shower. I do not perceive this as being useful or feel useful doing it, but it is very useful to him because that is the way he wants it.

The rest of the thread I will have to read a little later. His mom is here and time to get off the computer.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 20

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