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New to the BDSM scene... I need your help - 8/28/2008 11:26:57 AM

Hazzard

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Joined: 8/28/2008
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OK, so heres the deal. Ive always liked the idea of BDSM fo the most part but i never could find anybody that shared the same interest. But now ive found a great gal who is a submissive, shes been into BDSM for her entire sexual career. But now im with her and im kinda at a loss for what im supposed to be doing. Shes into all the normal stuff, nothing too serious. The problem is i dont want her to hold my hand through the whole learning process, thats not fun for either of us. Im normally a really nice guy and only kind of dom. All im asking for is some tips/pointers of how i can just loosen up and be more dominate around her.

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RE: New to the BDSM scene... I need your help - 8/28/2008 11:34:18 AM

velvetears

Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
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If it doesn't come natural or feel natural to you why do you connect with the term dominant? Maybe you have pre conceived expectations of what a "dominant" is suppossed to do with a submissive. Just be yourself and let things progress as they do. Do what YOU feel like doing.... that's the whole point isn't it?

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Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

(in reply to Hazzard)

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RE: New to the BDSM scene... I need your help - 8/28/2008 11:46:02 AM

Hazzard

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well ive always been "dominate" in relationships. but this is different

(in reply to velvetears)

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RE: New to the BDSM scene... I need your help - 8/28/2008 11:48:00 AM

sirsholly

Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
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talk to her about it.

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(in reply to Hazzard)

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RE: New to the BDSM scene... I need your help - 8/28/2008 11:50:29 AM

Missokyst

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Joined: 9/9/2006
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I get that attitude a lot. People think that because you have more experience that there is nothing left to do that is new and interesting. They are wrong. Each man, each experience, each time is new for me and it has always been that way for me no matter how many times someone zaps me with a violet wand, or slaps my ass with a paddle.
It is not the experience, it is the attitude and the way the man approaches me that makes things new.
Worry less about what you can do, and start thinking about what you might find fun. Want to tie her up? Great! Start slow and when you want more complexity get a book on knots. Want to beat her ass? Watch for and feel for response. Yank her hair back and see her reaction. You will get the hang of it.
Most of all have fun.
As a sub I can tell you, knowing he is enjoying himself is just as important to me as what he does.
Kyst

(in reply to Hazzard)

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RE: New to the BDSM scene... I need your help - 8/28/2008 11:51:48 AM

CallaFirestormBW

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I know that this thread is aimed at new female dominants, but much of it applies to -any- dominant (and even to those of us who are starting out new relationships as a d-type with a new s-type), so I'm going to recommend it anyway....

http://www.collarchat.com/m_2094679/tm.htm

Calla Firestorm

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to Hazzard)

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RE: New to the BDSM scene... I need your help - 8/28/2008 12:09:10 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

Worry less about what you can do, and start thinking about what you might find fun. Want to tie her up? Great! Start slow and when you want more complexity get a book on knots. Want to beat her ass? Watch for and feel for response. Yank her hair back and see her reaction. You will get the hang of it.
Most of all have fun.
As a sub I can tell you, knowing he is enjoying himself is just as important to me as what he does.
Kyst

What she said.

Have you ever been to a buffet? All you can eat. Dozens of foods to pile on your plate. You can try exotic new foods you've never eaten before. You can try foods you know you like. Hell, you can even eat foods you know you dislike. Because you CAN.

Hazzard, this girl is your buffet. Tell her what you want her to do. Or just do it to her. Enjoy.

Just one other thing I'll add... being a Dom isn't only about tying her up, spanking her, and telling her to suck you. It's also about telling her that you're going out to a movie, and which one. It's about scheduling a picnic and asking her to make the sandwiches. It's about telling her to go for a walk with you.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Missokyst)

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RE: New to the BDSM scene... I need your help - 8/28/2008 4:42:04 PM

wickedgame916

Posts: 11
Joined: 8/20/2008
From: Elk Grove, CA
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quote:

ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW

I know that this thread is aimed at new female dominants, but much of it applies to -any- dominant (and even to those of us who are starting out new relationships as a d-type with a new s-type), so I'm going to recommend it anyway....

http://www.collarchat.com/m_2094679/tm.htm

Calla Firestorm

I second this. It's a wonderful thread and has been very useful to me, as a new domme.

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)

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RE: New to the BDSM scene... I need your help - 8/28/2008 6:25:16 PM

Tetron

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Joined: 6/16/2006
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Lack of experiance or knowing what to do is something I have seen and heard alot about. It is a common problem not so much because you dont know what to do, but because you worry about that fact. When you are with your submissive the whole point is to be doing what makes you happy (preferably both at the same time), go with your instincts on this. Also just because you have been dominant in relationships with other people doesnt mean that you are dominant in a BDSM sense as that is another step entirely. If you are looking for ideas of what to do, there are several sites I would direct you to. www.mcstories.com, www.ewpub.net, www.storiesonline.net, and look for the pornographic videos sex and submission, the first there are story websites where you can search for stories based on bdsm and read the stories to see what they do and get ideas, the other, often advertised on this site is a site for some more hardcore BDSM, but has certainly provided me with more then one idea.

(in reply to wickedgame916)

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RE: New to the BDSM scene... I need your help - 8/28/2008 9:48:03 PM

pompeii

Posts: 934
Joined: 1/4/2007
From: Silicon Valley, San Jose, California
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> All im asking for is some tips/pointers of how i can just loosen up and be more dominate around her.

Hmmm.... reminds me of the refractory period just after I experience bondastic orgasm (i.e., orgasm playing with a lovely squirming helpless bound woman who is likewise enjoying the attentions I foist upon her in her ecstatically sensual predicament) ...

See my 2007 post on this topic titled "Is it just me or do we all lose our erotic creativity after orgasm?"
http://www.collarchat.com/m_1363392/mpage_1/tm.htm

Basically, during the refractory period, which used to be minutes, then hours, then, well, a lot more hours than it used to be, everything bdsm'ic just looks silly to me. I have no idea why that woman next to me has that funny red ball gag, and nice clover clamps, and something interesting acting as a tail in her anus, with the dog collar and leash wrapped around her tits, etc. It all just strikes me as boring at that point ... yet, ... hell ... I'm the same person I was just minutes prior ... wasn't I?

Point is, if I'm not "horny", I'm not in heavy-duty Dom mode, constantly thinking of actions and predicaments and peculiarities for the woman of my choice to be inextricably bound upon ... (Luckily for me, I'm horny 90% of the time ... which is a hell of a lot less than it used to be when I were young). I think, for you, your "refractory" period is just a bit longer than mine. It might be days. It might be more or less. But, you can still be a Dom without needing at that moment to top someone until they cum with pleasure. It happens to me, for an hour or two or three in my life (but only after orgasm).

Blame it on the chemistry of the brain but it's perfectly reasonable during that low-whatever-chemical period to not want to be a Dom at all and to just relax with her, kissing, nudging, nibbling, and all that cutesy stuff (I like to snuggle and lick and kiss at that point ... which is a whole different ball-gag game than Dom'ing. Hope this helps.... YMMV

(in reply to Tetron)

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RE: New to the BDSM scene... I need your help - 8/29/2008 12:41:46 AM

ResidentSadist

Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Hazzard
All im asking for is some tips/pointers of how i can just loosen up and be more dominate around her.

With the power vested in me by submissives and slaves everywhere, I hereby pronounce you a full fledged Dom! Congratulations, all you have to do is read the advice you’ll get in this thread.

I am glad to hear you got the hots for this chic so bad you now wanna get into the lifestyle and be an insta-Dom. However, in all my experience, I don’t think the answer to becoming a Dom can be put into a paragraph. Try reading the books found here:

-=BDSM Book List=-

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-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

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RE: New to the BDSM scene... I need your help - 8/29/2008 9:08:41 AM

His1squaw

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Joined: 8/28/2008
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If this is truly the path you have chosen for yourself, then my advice would be to take it slow. Like a kid in a candy store, there are a million and one new things you can try. If that kid in the candy store samples everything very quickly, he will end up with a bellyache; likewise, you can end up burning yourself out.

My Master and I were in a very similar situation when we first started out. I had years of experience, he only had the desire. He is an amazing Dominant now. When we first came together, he was unsure of himself in many things. It was expected that he be cautious during "play" times, but he lacked confidence in setting rules and boundaries as well as enforcing the rules that he did set into place. With everything else in his life, he was on top of his game. He is a dominant person by nature. He just had to get over the hurdle of dominating the one he loves. Sometimes he still finds it unbelivable that I not only am willing to endure his need to control EVERYTHING but that I long for it. Over time, his confidence grew and he became irresistable to me...my rock. There are many things that actually came together to build his confidence, but a few things I can mention off the top of my head are:

Journaling: I was allowed to journal. He didn't see this as me "teaching" him how to be my Master. He took my desires, frustrations, and ideas all into consideration as he was growing into his "new" identity.

Mentoring: Find someone in your community who is well seasoned. Don't just grab up the first D-type that says they have 20 or 30 years of lifestyle experience. Get to know people. Find one or more who have the same fundimental ideas or values you hold. Listen to what they have to say. Modify it if necessary to fit your life.

Be yourself: If you try to become something or someone that you are not, within a year, you will find that you are unable to keep up the charade. Not only are you lying to yourself in that situation, you are lying to your submissive. Being submissive involves a lot more trust than most other relationship dynamics. If you break that trust, you may be doing more damage than you think. Be sure that what you do is really what you want before embarking on it. Part of being the Dom is -- you most always get things YOUR way.

Grow with each other and enjoy that growth. Master and I have found our niche, but we continue to reshape and mold our relationship into something that fits us as we grow together.

I wish you the best of luck!
squaw

(in reply to ResidentSadist)

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