RE: Friend or Foe

RE: Friend or Foe (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion

Message

littlewonder -> RE: Friend or Foe (8/27/2008 3:37:30 PM)
I admit to being on the defensive with some people I meet but only because they came across to me as belittling, treating me as their slave right from the start, treating all women as some naive little dumb thing and they just rubbed me the wrong way. Could it be you're simply rubbing them the wrong way? Have you stopped to ask yourself what exactly you might be doing that is making them that way towards you? I'm not saying it's all your fault but ya know....sometimes we have to ask ourselves why we seem to attract the same things time after time.

MadRabbit -> RE: Friend or Foe (8/27/2008 3:42:13 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: littlewonder Could it be you're simply rubbing them the wrong way? Have you stopped to ask yourself what exactly you might be doing that is making them that way towards you? I'm not saying it's all your fault but ya know....sometimes we have to ask ourselves why we seem to attract the same things time after time. Of course. I'm pretty self aware and self analytical after something bad happens as well as really quick to own up to my contribution to it. I can't honestly think of anything I did different than with all the other girls I had positive experiences with.

silkncarol -> RE: Friend or Foe (8/27/2008 3:44:57 PM)
I do try to always treat people with respect...but i'll own to this behavior towards a dominant. I can't speak for anyone else why they might demonstrate this behavior but mine was done towards a dom i had no respect for...one of those "full of themselves", "on your knees", "chest thumping" idiots we've all run across at one time or another. Certainly not my brightest moment, all i accomplished was treating him the way i had resented being treated....... live and learn.....Now if someone is irritating me, i just ignore them...silence does speak volumns. quote: ORIGINAL: MadRabbit For the submissives out there, if you have done this before, why did you do it? Just being a brat? Insecurity? An attempt to test and make the dominant "prove" themselves to you?

subtee -> RE: Friend or Foe (8/27/2008 4:32:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: leadership527 In my experience, the vast majority of people treat a relationship as a competition where the goal is to get the most out of the relationship for the minimum investment. As soon as it becomes a competition, then aggressive behavior becomes just one more strategy. This is revelatory to me; I've never thought about it this way. Really? People think this?

yourMissTress -> RE: Friend or Foe (8/27/2008 4:38:54 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MadRabbit I've had the pleasure (and sometimes not so much) of meeting and getting to know roughly 20 something women in the last 2 years. Among those 20, 3 of them demonstrated the same kind of behavior of being overly hostile toward me and treating me like some kind of enemy or threat to them. They would be overly argumentative, aggressive in their communication style as if to put me on the defensive, respond defensively and closemindedly to anything I said that slightly disagreed with their opinions, unnecessarily difficult, and constantly challenging. Now from where I sit, such hostility is just a bad way to start off any relationship and even more so when you are supposedly interested in submitting, obeying, and being pleasing to a person. Personally, in all three cases, I was pretty quick to become turned off and lose interest. The fact that I have had this happen more than once shows that it's not solely a secluded issue. For the submissives out there, if you have done this before, why did you do it? Just being a brat? Insecurity? An attempt to test and make the dominant "prove" themselves to you? For the dominants, have you encountered this behavior? How did you handle it? Did you find it to be attractive or a turn off? Yes, I have seen and experienced it. It turns me off, totally. But after experiencing it for the 2nd time, I asked the person what the problem was. I asked the 3rd person, I got the same answer. Now I know that this isn't everyone's reasoning, but it makes sense to me. Some s types have a difficult time being assertive. They don't want to appear to be a doormat, so they go over and above to appear not to be. This has the chance of coming off as rude, argumentative or bratty. But it boils down to the inability to express themselves as they would like to. Some just want to make sure you know that YOU ARE NOT THEIR DOM/ME YET and the only way they know to do it is be a brat. And my response is usually, "and I won't be, buh bye".

Lashra -> RE: Friend or Foe (8/27/2008 4:43:56 PM)
I have had similar experiences with subs of both genders. These types of subs, so it seems to be, appear to be challenging so that the Dominant may "break" them. This seems to be a hot fantasy for them, however I have no desire to "break" someone. The sub for me is the one who truly desires to be Mine and that means being obedient and pleasing, not challenging in a very negative way. ~Lashra

CallaFirestormBW -> RE: Friend or Foe (8/27/2008 4:47:50 PM)
I've encountered it -- amazingly enough from submissive men who spend an entire email telling me how much they hate women (but how they'll be happy to serve me, if I can prove that I am stronger than their hatred). My response is "why bother?" -- on both ends. Why would they bother contacting me if they hold women in such disdain, and why would I even consider entering a relationship with a person who has already, by word or deed, indicated that he is ill tempered and ill-mannered? Of course, these same "gentlemen" often write me a couple of days later to let me know how rude I am and how typical I am for not accepting their generous offer, reminding me once again about why I turned them down in the first place. Calla Firestorm

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Friend or Foe (8/27/2008 5:01:45 PM)
Dude you are on a serious "the world sucks" tear here recently. How about turning that a bit more INWARD- what about YOU attracts and incites those sorts of reactions to such an extent?

MadRabbit -> RE: Friend or Foe (8/27/2008 5:08:00 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross Dude you are on a serious "the world sucks" tear here recently. Ok...

blacksword404 -> RE: Friend or Foe (8/27/2008 6:34:18 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MadRabbit quote: ORIGINAL: leadership527 In my experience, the vast majority of people treat a relationship as a competition where the goal is to get the most out of the relationship for the minimum investment. Yeah, no shit. quote: ORIGINAL: leadership527 Who knows, perhaps the "subs" in question feel that they were demonstrating that they weren't doormats with their assertive behavior? In one case, I would probably say so. After I made it clear she needed to "Shape Up or Ship Out", she chilled out a lot, became more doctile, and we had a pretty good time after that. Well some of us have a sort of presence that follows us. Broadcasting who you are. She may be reacting to that out of fear. Even though she wants a dom, she still may fear you actually doing it.

IrishMist -> RE: Friend or Foe (8/27/2008 7:01:54 PM)
quote: For the submissives out there, if you have done this before, why did you do it? Just being a brat? Insecurity? An attempt to test and make the dominant "prove" themselves to you? Why do/did I do it? Because I am not the 'simpering', nice as pie, gushing, little girl who does not know her own mind. I am blunt, to the point, sometimes rude...ok, almost always rude [&:], opinionated, stubborn...and just downright contrary at times. I am not like this because I am testing someone; I am not like this because I am a brat, I am not insecure, nor do I need to prove myself to anyone. I am like this because this is ME and I see no reason to try and hide it.

flower2007 -> RE: Friend or Foe (8/27/2008 7:03:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MadRabbit For the submissives out there, if you have done this before, why did you do it? Just being a brat? Insecurity? An attempt to test and make the dominant "prove" themselves to you? I've become defensive and rather agressive when replying to emails from people who clearly are not what I'm looking for. I'm polite the first time. If you insist on contacting me and being borderline creepy, or try to convince me my views are wrong, yes, I get defensive. I'm not supposed to be submitting to the first person who comes along who is interested. I've never been like that with someone I was actually in a relationship or potential relationship with.

marieToo -> RE: Friend or Foe (8/27/2008 8:12:57 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MadRabbit For the submissives out there, if you have done this before, why did you do it? Just being a brat? Insecurity? An attempt to test and make the dominant "prove" themselves to you? In my case, none of the above. I've turned hostile on one or two doms in the beginning stages of talking. This might sound kind of dramatic, but I am very cautious about who I give my submission to, and I tend to protect my submission the way a mother bear would protect a cub. When the chemistry is right, the evolution takes place rather naturally and without any major strain. But when I don't feel submissive to a man,and I realize he is trying to wrangle my submission from me like I'm a conquest, I will automatically repel his advances. If he doesn't take the clue-by-four when it's gently waved past him, and he continues to turn up the chest-thumping and brow-beating, I'll get defensive. Primarily it's really a chemisty issue. Secondarily, and why I turn hostile, is that the guy continues to try and take something from me that I clearly don't want to give him. What ultimately causes me to become a hostile bitch, is his attempts to manipulate, manuever, and out-smart me. It doesn't take long to spot this type, and I'll high-tail it out of there, but not before I let the guy know that I was perceptive enough to see through his game. Other times, if there's no chemistry, there's just no chemistry, and no reason to become hostile. It has only happened to me with the typical chest thumper types. And like what LA said (god help me) I look to myself to make sure I don't continue to attract those types, and I've gotten very adept at recognizing them from afar. I'm not saying this is what you have done, or this is who you are, I'm just saying this has been the case for me.

AquaticSub -> RE: Friend or Foe (8/27/2008 8:20:03 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MadRabbit For the submissives out there, if you have done this before, why did you do it? Just being a brat? Insecurity? An attempt to test and make the dominant "prove" themselves to you? Nah. My one and only test remains asking them to buy me a box of tampons and a Playboy. [;)] More seriously I'm not a big fan of artifical testing. I feel that the course of a relationship, even when there isn't a relationship to speak of, usually provides it's own tests.

catize -> RE: Friend or Foe (8/27/2008 8:52:10 PM)
Only 3 out of 20? Those are pretty great stats compared to my experience from the other side. The possible reasons are endless: So they weren’t into you and had sucky social skills and acted out rather than just saying it. They weren’t into you but made you reject them so it wasn’t their fault. They were out to prove no man is going to impress them. All or none of the above. Only they know for sure, and that depends on if they have a modicum of insight.

DarkSteven -> RE: Friend or Foe (8/27/2008 9:30:40 PM)
I've had that happen twice, in online interchanges. One was a woman whose profile stated that she was curious about the lifestyle and thought she might be submissive. I contacted her and in her responding email she typed in all caps. I politely told her that that was a faux pas and asked her to type in upper and lowercase. She then (in all uppercase) told me that she typed that way at work and wouldn't change for me. She told me that I was a control freak and she could tell one a mile off. I could have explained to her that yes, I in fact WAS a Dom, but decided that my time could be better spent elsewhere.

charlotteS -> RE: Friend or Foe (8/27/2008 9:36:14 PM)
The times I've responded that way usually followed a string of interactions in which I felt the guy was too pushy and I didn't stand up for myself well enough so I tried to stand up for myself didn't really know how to do it well so ended up overcompensating. I respond to most people with a "what can I do to make them happy" attitude and when that backfires I try to be more assertive but it is so unnatural for me that I end up coming off too strong. This may not be true for everyone but that is why I (a normally very polite and kind person) have responded in the way you described. charlotte

girlivy -> RE: Friend or Foe (8/27/2008 9:46:59 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross Dude you are on a serious "the world sucks" tear here recently. How about turning that a bit more INWARD- what about YOU attracts and incites those sorts of reactions to such an extent? If someone else didn;t type this I was going to.... Laws of attraction. Please no offence ment, just a thought :) Actuially, as an after thought, what in this type of chick you are meeting attracts you to her? If there is a "Pattern" one has to look at the designer...

IronBear -> RE: Friend or Foe (8/27/2008 10:24:07 PM)
When I meet people who are from the start aggressive and agumentive with me I, rather than enter a verbal combat with them, state that they have already proved that they are not worthy of being my friend and unless they have the gunption to agree to disdagree on points in which we differ, they are not worthy of being an associate and thus unless they continue to attack me in any way, I shall not recognise them and place them min the class of "nebish" or non entity. if they choose to continue to attack me and thus have declared war on me and I shall in my own way retaliate untill they run for cover licking their wounds and hoping to repair their seriously dammaged reputation. IB (The incorrigible, irrepressible and irreverent Bear)

MasterWilliam55 -> RE: Friend or Foe (8/27/2008 11:06:15 PM)
I would not normally respond to a post of this sort, but for the sake of new people to the lifestyle I will. First, in "real life" no submissive in my world has ever treated me with any disrespect, nor I them. If she decided I was not the kind of Dominant she was seeking, we parted company in a dignified manner. If it was on-line, leading towards a real relationship, any reasonably intelligent person would know within the first few e-mails whether or not the relationship would work. I know, I've been there. After 10 years on-line and 20 more before that in the real-life community, I've never met a submissive who was disrespectful to me or I to her. Yes, a very few have suddenly "disappeared", and this was rude, but non have "attacked" me or shown any lack of civility. Most though would simply say "nice to meet you, Good bye", or I to them. Do most of you live in some sort of fantasy, looking for the perfect Dom or sub? When you find a potential candidate do you "shit" on them, and if so...why? I would like to think you treat them seriously and if they don't work out, you take a pass trying to keep the dignity of both in-tact. Bitterness leads many people into exagerating their "issues". I doubt the sincerity of the OP's issue and many of the responses. Life and people just don't work this way.

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.046875