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RE: Helping them/us feel submissive - 8/26/2008 4:53:41 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		This is Darcy

It strikes me that those dominants that feel the need to remind their submissives of their place and what they are perhaps aren't doing it so much to remind the submissives, as to reassure themselves that they are, as softness said, 'bigger and scarier'.

I know what I am, the.dark. knows what she is, and netiher of us need to remind or be reminded any more than we need reminding to breathe....

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RE: Helping them/us feel submissive - 8/26/2008 5:21:35 AM   
TreasureKY


Posts: 3032
Joined: 4/10/2007
From: Kentucky
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ThistleDown

For subs out there that have been in need or want of some help with this, how did your dom help you feel submissive without making you feel like your power was being taken away?


As others have said, I don't need to be reminded that I am submissive, however...

Nothing heightens that yummy submissive feeling like hearing him say, "mine". 

(in reply to ThistleDown)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Helping them/us feel submissive - 8/26/2008 5:43:47 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		LOL I think I love you!

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse
Neither.

The first thing I think is "Damn! It's time to get up." Followed by, "Okay fix dogs breakfast, take dogs outside to pee, turn on computer to check the weather forcast, make coffee, feed or move horses, shower........."

Nothing dominant or submissive about ANY of those thoughts.

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Helping them/us feel submissive - 8/26/2008 5:47:58 AM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		I remember making a comment to my Master once, and He said something like, "Now all you need is a hand on your hip and the other one waving in the air."  I felt that the point I was making was a valid one, but realized my phrasing and tone of voice did not sound very submissive at all.  That's the only time I needed that type of correction.

I have talked with others who have felt a need to FEEL more submissive.  They might go through the motions and do everything that they are told to, yet somehow lack the FEELING of true submission so I understand that part of the question completely.  There are various factors that can play in this:  not feeling a close enough emotional bond with their Dominant, being willing to give to a certain point but being on their toes to make sure that they don't give too much, not much of a since of enjoyment or fulfillment from their position (usually due to their own mindset), feeling that they are only role playing and not being invested in the lifestyle, etc.  They may then turn to their Dom and ask how they can be more submissive.

It's mostly mental and emotional.  I know that I had mistaken impressions, such as feeling that I should not fully enjoy sex because somehow that was taking away from my Master's pleasure by concentrating on myself.  After talking with Him I found out I was 100% wrong - the more I enjoy it the more He does.  If I wouldn't have talked with Him about it I could still be stuck in my mistaken feeling and not getting a satisfaction from the relationship that He wanted me to have.  Communication is always the key, and if the Dom doesn't know that you aren't getting what you need then they don't have the ability to make things better.

As a Dom, I make things personal.  I may even give very vanilla tasks and then remind the person that I know they will do their best.  Then they take a real pride in accomplishing it.  Sadly, some forget that subs and slaves still have a personal pride that needs to be fed.  I never expect someone to be submissive to me simply because their natural inclination seems to be to serve, but I have them submit so that they can find refreshment in having that need filled.


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RE: Helping them/us feel submissive - 8/26/2008 6:47:07 AM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ThistleDown
How do you (dommly types) help your sub be or feel submissive without making him/her feel like you're taking the power away (as opposed to a consensual exchange)?

In my history I developed a few daily routines that use BDSM type rituals.  I ask my slave(s) “have you had your spankings yet today.”  Starting the morning to erotic and orgasmic spankings before they face the world really changes a slave’s attitude.  “Serving” Master coffee or “breast-fast” and then getting spanked over Master’s knee reinforces their role position as much as it does mine.  I take time when I get home every weekday, while my slave bows naked at my feet, to reflect on some recent event and let her know how much owning her pleases me.  At bedtime I chain or cage a slave(s) each night.  More…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark
This is Darcy . . .  It strikes me that those dominants that feel the need to remind their submissives of their place and what they are perhaps aren't doing it so much to remind the submissives, as to reassure themselves that they are, as softness said, 'bigger and scarier'.

I know what I am, the.dark. knows what she is, and netiher of us need to remind or be reminded any more than we need reminding to breathe....

Dear Darcy,
I am not disagreeing with you or picking apart your semantics.  I truly feel I “need” or am “compelled” to often remind my slaves of their position as a matter of good relationship practice, not as a matter of self assurance.  I feel quite large (big) and scary with or without a slave in my life.  Somehow, I just don’t think that is what you were talking about.  I acknowledge we are talking apples & oranges and post this reply expanding on your comment to include a different motive for “reminding a slave of her place” and how "big & scary" might be a good thing. 

When I wake up in the morning, and ask “have you had your spankings yet today”, it is part of a network of rituals that reaffirm our love and relationship roles.  Just like saying “I love you”…  I don’t really need to say it to my partners.  My partners know how I feel.  I know how I feel.  But it’s always nice to get reminders and say "I love you" when you don’t have to.  The daily reminders in my life were quite romantic and not scary at all.  I am a very loving person whether reminded of it or not. 

Although they are not daily, there are some fear rituals in my life.  Like a “slave’s bath” where she is tied in a tub and her body is mine to inspect while I hold her life in my hands while playing with asphyxia.  Being hogtied, face down in the tub with your hair in Master’s hand as he dunks you is scary.  All that hair pulling, being inspected, ritual bathing, forced orgasms…wooof... you gotta' love fear.    I am a very scary person whether reminded of it or not. 

Fear proves trust and even scary reminders can be very romantic and an emotionally binding act in my world.  I can only presume that you are privy to some specific incident with softness that does not fit the generality I speak of and that was what was in your mind when you spoke of “big & scary”. 

Big & scary isn’t a bad thing in my world.  But from the way you put it, I feel I should say that I want both my slave and I to be unnecessarily reminded of our relationship roles/place as often as we are unnecessarily reminded of how much we love each other.  But I am pretty sure that wasn’t what you meant. 

Sincerely,
Kalon Eric

< Message edited by ResidentSadist -- 8/26/2008 6:53:57 AM >

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RE: Helping them/us feel submissive - 8/26/2008 6:59:43 AM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline 		A girl maybe need reminding of exactly where the bounderies are between enjoyable banter and where *I* consider it getting too close to becomming disrespectful, but I shouldn't have to remind her that she is slave any more than I should have to remind her to breathe. It is either part of who she is, I should draw her submission because of who I am and what I mean to her or there is a compatability issue.

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Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Helping them/us feel submissive - 8/26/2008 7:00:09 AM   
MadRabbit


Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline 		Another way to understand it is to not view it in terms of "reminding someone of thier place" or "reminding someone they are in charge", but rather define dominance and submission less as a state or identity in a relationship, but rather a "feeling" a person experiences.

I do things to express my dominance and my girls do things to express their submission and the symbols (actions) invoke such feelings for the fullfillment of both of us and the enjoyment of the relationship.

Some people call these things "rituals", but I find there is a lot of really small stuff that I can randomly that invokes such a metaphysical experience without it being ritualistic.

And just being downright domineering and forceful is fucking hot, too!

< Message edited by MadRabbit -- 8/26/2008 7:01:20 AM >

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Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Helping them/us feel submissive - 8/26/2008 7:05:53 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		I don't need reminders...or encouragement...or rituals...or to don fetish wear...or to see implements...or get beatings. I simply "am".

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Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Helping them/us feel submissive - 8/26/2008 7:18:46 AM   
oceanwynds


Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline 		Sir has had to remind me from time to time, especially in the beginning. His way of doing it though was to put it in a question format. Do you realize you are doing this....? Why? It was a great help for me because i was seriously clueless about what a submissive was.  Embracing my own submissive was also difficult and still is at times. It took a lot of training my mind from being in a vanilla marriage of 29 years with equal control verses a Ds relationship. Two years now exploring my own submissive, i would do it all over again. At times i regret not openning to my submissive nature while i was married, but the more i explored i realize i never totally closed that part off from him either. So for me being so new to all of this, it was needed and still is and i am grateful that Sir points out traits for me to think about and change.
oceanwynds

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Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Helping them/us feel submissive - 8/26/2008 7:25:57 AM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ThistleDown

How do you (dommly types) help your sub be or feel submissive without making him/her feel like you're taking the power away (as opposed to a consensual exchange)?


I AM taking the power away. It might not be something they are thinking about  at the moment, but when they agreed to be my submissive or slave, that was the deal. I was going to take the power away when I wanted it and how I chose to.

Fox doesnt have much of a problem reembering he is submissive. It is simply who he is. He might get a little excited about telling his stories on occasion and I have to put the breaks on and remind him that something other than banter was necessary. Aside from that its moot with him.

Angel, on the other hand, requires that reminding often. He is very much my slave, but he is very strong willed and without being reminded of his place he tends to alow his dominant vanilla personality to overtake his slave one even around me. Thankfully, reminding him of his place is simple. I put him in panties and he gets extremely submissive. Also when he is pet, or picked up and carried, or if I beat him in a wrestling match for the remote or just for fun. Little reminders show him that that power is mine to take whenever I want it, even if I dont need to break his spirit all of the time. It has worked well for us this way for nearly 2 years, even if he tends to be high maintenence.

DV


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VampiresLair

(in reply to ThistleDown)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Helping them/us feel submissive - 8/26/2008 7:29:16 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		This is the wierdest thread EVER to me *laughs*.  It's great to see all you subs who walk in perfect harmony with your submission 24x7, but that wouldn't describe my situation.  In my world, being "my slave" one of many roles my wife occupies and her submissive tendencies are one tiny little facet of a very complicated human being.  So not only do I end up reminding her of her submissiveness (more accurately, I remind her of the decisions we have made to be Master/slave), but I also have gone and continue to go to great lengths to nurture those tendencies and have them blossom and grow.

Thistledown asked:  How do you (dommly types) help your sub be or feel submissive without making him/her feel like you're taking the power away (as opposed to a consensual exchange)?

My wife and I are not two people competing over authority.  We are a team pursuing a shared goal of reforming our relationship along the lines of an extreme authority transfer model.  I cannot take away her authority since she wants to give it to me as badly as I want to take it.  If she didn't want to give it to me anymore, I would no longer want it.  We are together.  To answer your question, I'll boss her around some to help reclaim roles in our heads.  Typically, this'll start with small commands like "kneel here and keep me company" and small physical controls like grabbing her when she is busy doing something for a kiss (she has standing instructions to turn her full attention to me whenever I kiss her and to try to sneak a little seduction into any kiss she gives me so it's fun watching her swap gears as quickly as she can).  Taking her to the bedroom and fucking her silly works pretty well after that.  At her core, she's a bedroom sub so the sex strings work best with her.

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Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Helping them/us feel submissive - 8/26/2008 7:31:42 AM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		How we live should do that.
 
We are on the wrong track if I have to be dramatic about it.

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Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Helping them/us feel submissive - 8/26/2008 7:44:56 AM   
softness


Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

This is the wierdest thread EVER to me *laughs*.  It's great to see all you subs who walk in perfect harmony with your submission 24x7, but that wouldn't describe my situation
. 


Its not about being in perfect harmony ... I just got released for being distinctly disharmonious ... but at no time, even in the midst of struggles and questions and fears about who and what I can be for someone else ... never for a second did I question whether I was submissive or have a need to be made to feel more submissive, or be reminded I was submissive.

You dont need to tell ice cream its ice cream ... or prove its ice-creaminess ...
sometimes there is just a little question over flavour




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RE: Helping them/us feel submissive - 8/26/2008 8:10:36 AM   
Surrenderwithin


Posts: 368
Joined: 10/8/2006
Status: offline 		I am not sure that we are really discussing ," reminding us we are submissive" as much as we are discussing our tops doing something that helps us to feel our submissiveness intensely for a time.
Maggi

(in reply to ThistleDown)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Helping them/us feel submissive - 8/26/2008 9:52:51 AM   
leakylee


Posts: 747
Joined: 7/2/2004
Status: offline 		even being single i never 'forget' that i am submissive, but the daily rituals and structure that physically manifest the control, i find comforting. in alot of ways, when that care and time is taken for those small details, out of such hectic schedules, it truly makes me feel that much more cherished. might even say the gestures are highly valued.

i never said i was right..

hehe

smooches
lee

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RE: Helping them/us feel submissive - 8/26/2008 10:02:37 AM   
ThistleDown


Posts: 51
Joined: 1/15/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Surrenderwithin

I am not sure that we are really discussing ," reminding us we are submissive" as much as we are discussing our tops doing something that helps us to feel our submissiveness intensely for a time.
Maggi

First I want to thank everyone for your comments, I've found them very insightful.
Now, this is what I intended to mean with my question and I have seen several replies geared more towards this interpretation of the question. I still appreciate all the replies, though.

I guess I've now thought to ask the other side of this question (even if I'm not sure how to word it yet)
How do doms like to be reminded they are the dom by the sub? or How do subs try to help their doms feel the power exchange?

I suppose the whole thing is really about how we reinforce the dynamic in a positive way for each other. It's very much as ResidentSadist said, I think. Its about expressing the dynamic just like we express love. We all want to hear (or be shown) that we're loved even when we know it without it being said, and sometimes we need that more than other times.

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Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Helping them/us feel submissive - 8/26/2008 10:14:42 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

Even if you've never found yourself in such a situation but you have something to say about it, feel free to reply.


"feeling her submission", to this slave, would be like "feeling her freckles".  this slave can't remember a time when she was devoid of either and has never attributed either state of being to a physical sensation or a "feeling".
 
here's a link to a previous discussion which was very interesting, Noah's thread: how submissiveness feels

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Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Helping them/us feel submissive - 8/26/2008 10:20:36 AM   
girlivy


Posts: 699
Joined: 7/6/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

The moment I had to be reminded I am submissive to Darcy is the moment the relationship would be over?
You are either submissive to someone or you are not.  As softness said, it's like the thought that I would have to be reminded I am a woman - or a mother - it's not something you just forget or alter moment to moment.
 
the.dark.

Could not have said it better... Thanks

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RE: Helping them/us feel submissive - 8/26/2008 10:47:27 AM   
ThistleDown


Posts: 51
Joined: 1/15/2008
Status: offline 		Thank you for the link. :)
I think LuckyAlbatross had a good idea when she started calling it the "submissive fuzzies".

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Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Helping them/us feel submissive - 8/26/2008 12:45:22 PM   
BRNaughtyAngel


Posts: 1821
Status: offline 		I don't need to be reminded that I am submissive, but I do need reminding that I am submissive to Him! 

Maybe it's because we don't live together, maybe it's because He's very laid back, maybe it's because our intimate/alone time is limited and most of the time we spend together is with other people......... who knows!

But I do need reminding that there is a dynamic there beyond just being a "vanilla" couple.  And I can tell you that when those reminders aren't there, I start getting contrary.   




(in reply to ThistleDown)
Profile   Post #: 40
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