Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? (Full Version)

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LaTigresse -> Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? (8/17/2008 12:32:05 PM)

I was just reading a thread about submissives with a temper.

To me, temper is a negative. It instantly leads me to think of temper tantrums and insecure, out of control, behaviour. Something that is, to me, a huge weakness of character.

Not to confuse anger with temper. Anger is a natural response, but again to me, temper is an immature and negative way of handling temper. A big negative.

I am a HUGE advocate of communication. I want to know the what's and why's and how's of solving the problem. A temper is not condusive to that. It only alienates and throws up walls. Puts people on the defensive.

I am curious what other's points of view is on this. Is there a difference in anger and temper to others? Do you feel there is ever a good time to have a temper tantrum?

Talk to me people!



DomDolf -> RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? (8/17/2008 12:34:12 PM)

Loss of temper is loss of control of a that person's ability to clearly think and lead appropriately. If you cannot control this... insert cliché.

Anger is normal and natural in people. How we handle it is a show of our ability to deal with life and all the things it throws at us. I am angered at times. I never lose control and start raging.

Dolf



CelticPrince -> RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? (8/17/2008 12:37:38 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

I was just reading a thread about submissives with a temper.

To me, temper is a negative. It instantly leads me to think of temper tantrums and insecure, out of control, behaviour. Something that is, to me, a huge weakness of character.

Not to confuse anger with temper. Anger is a natural response, but again to me, temper is an immature and negative way of handling temper. A big negative.

I am a HUGE advocate of communication. I want to know the what's and why's and how's of solving the problem. A temper is not condusive to that. It only alienates and throws up walls. Puts people on the defensive.

I am curious what other's points of view is on this. Is there a difference in anger and temper to others? Do you feel there is ever a good time to have a temper tantrum?

Talk to me people!


LT,

I agree, a "D" has the obligation to control  themselves before attempting to control others. It is not just a lack of judgment, in my view it is also a lack of maturity.

CP



Pyrrsefanie -> RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? (8/17/2008 12:47:34 PM)

When I think of a dominant with a temper problem I think of someone who's abusive.  Kind of like the Canadian anti-domestic abuse PSA's with the guy bludgeoning the chick with the stapler for correcting him.  The sub screws something up, instead of getting a reasonable punishment, the dominant starts beating the everliving shit out of him/her or places some kind of crazy punishment on them -- "TO THE BASEMENT WITH YOU!"

And that ain't right.  I'm a little ball of anger myself but I'll be damned if I ever direct that towards another human being, assuming said human being isn't trying to shank me with a beer bottle, in which case, game on, motherfucker.

It's that time-honored saying that there's a line between dominance and abuse and it really does hold true.

Now, if I'm going to get points marked off for every time I've gritted my teeth and let out a few obscenities in a moderately loud voice when my team's losing, then I guess I just suck, but to me there's a major difference between being pissed and legitimately fuckin' losing it and tossing chairs around.  My rule of thumb is that if I can apply the phrase "HULK SMASH RAWR" to someone's actions at a certain time and it actually makes sense, lines have been crossed.

To some degree I believe we all need an outlet or a vent of some kind for when we get pissed off or upset.  Anger's a powerful emotion, and no matter how deep down you swallow it, if you don't let that shit out somehow there's a chance you're going to explode, and it's not going to be pretty.  Yeah, I know, I'm little miss tough-ass with the sailor mouth and all that, but I'm able to redirect my negative feelings/anger into more constructive channels that are not detrimental to other people, and to me that's a mark that someone's got their shit fairly well together.




windchymes -> RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? (8/17/2008 12:53:05 PM)

I always thought of it as a sign of immaturity.



LaTigresse -> RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? (8/17/2008 12:57:13 PM)

Cleaning, weeding, hiking (filing at work can be dangerous however........6's can tend to look like 9's, 7's like 9's. It's just not a good thing),.......that's the type of thing that is my outlet. And a fair bit of muttering really foul curse words once I am off by myself.

I am always impressed at the amount of work I can get done when I am pissed off. But it does allow me time to cool off and rethink the whats and the whys so I can deal with them objectively and constructively.



Pyrrsefanie -> RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? (8/17/2008 1:01:26 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse
I am always impressed at the amount of work I can get done when I am pissed off.


Now you must understand why my house is always so clean.  [:D]  There are days when I walk up to my boy and TELL him to piss me off so I can get the vacuuming done.



LaTigresse -> RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? (8/17/2008 1:10:44 PM)

Okay, that explains why my house is rarely really clean. I don't get mad nearly enough. Somehow I think that the people that live with and around me, would rather do the cleaning.

When I start cleaning like crazy, they run like cockroaches when you turn the light on.



ShiftedJewel -> RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? (8/17/2008 1:39:35 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

Okay, that explains why my house is rarely really clean. I don't get mad nearly enough. Somehow I think that the people that live with and around me, would rather do the cleaning.

When I start cleaning like crazy, they run like cockroaches when you turn the light on.


I'm the same way. When I start cleaning that means that lots of stuff is going into the trash!! I've reached a point where I just can't look at it anymore! I've really gotten better about it though... it used to be that I would open my junk drawers and just dump them into the trash once a year, I figured if I didn't touch it in a year, I didn't need it.... Wow, was I wrong!! I dumped out a drawer one time, and there on top (Thankfully!!!) was the deed to my house!! After that I took to sorting it out first.
 
But yeah, I've been known to throw away dishes, clothing, shoes, blow dryers... doesn't matter, I just get rid of it all!! One year I was sick (had pneumonia) and got so tired of the kitchen being a mess and not being able to clean it that I threw away all the dirty dishes. Hey, it worked, the kitchen was clean.
 
Jewel



softness -> RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? (8/17/2008 1:46:45 PM)

nods ... I would say a Dominant not in control of their temper ... was indicating a weakness that would concern me ... just like if they weren't in control of their drinking, or their finances etc. Everyone has weaknesses, but some weakness cause me not to trust someone. Not being in control of their temper (in whatever way) would cause my trust and respect for that D to waver and ultimately fail.
That said ...
Having a temper, and knowing how to control it, and consistently demonstraing that control, would really impress me and garner a lot of respect from me. I used to have real temper/anger issues, I am now in control of those, and I cannot remember the last time I lost control of my temper. Knowing what it took, and continues to take, for me to control that .,.. seeing that in someone else ... reassures me that they are someone who can be counted on to understand and maintain control.

plus ... nothing less attractive and undignified than a D spitting their dummy, or having a hissy fit ... in fact I think its just as unattractive in a submissive, and I regret bitterly whenever I come across that way.



IrishMist -> RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? (8/17/2008 1:49:59 PM)

I don't see having a temper or being angry at times as being a sign of weakness. I see it as being human.

What you do with that anger/temper though is a different story [:)]



RavenMuse -> RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? (8/17/2008 1:52:04 PM)

Whilst I would describe Myself as 'having a temper', I must define temper differently than LaT because I agree with her point. I have a temper in that some things can quickly anger Me, however I control that anger and don't have "Tantrums".

It comes back to "If You can't control Yourself how can You hope to control another".



masterforRT -> RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? (8/17/2008 1:54:57 PM)

Everybody gets angry. Anger has nothing to do with eduction or maturity. It's part of an emotion that's hard wired into all of us (fight or flight). Everone also has a temper, and some are worse then others.

That said, how one deals with their anger and their temper is quite another matter! One should not be abusive to another person (or creature)-you can channel that energy elsewhere.

Some work out, some meditate, some go into a room and scream to no one in particular. It IS best to find an outward outlet for it, however (as long as it's not someone else), becaue anger turned inward becomes depression.

I think it goes without saying that one should not do BDSM wnen angry or bad tempered....   



Prinsexx -> RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? (8/17/2008 2:12:39 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

I was just reading a thread about submissives with a temper.

To me, temper is a negative. It instantly leads me to think of temper tantrums and insecure, out of control, behaviour. Something that is, to me, a huge weakness of character.

Not to confuse anger with temper. Anger is a natural response, but again to me, temper is an immature and negative way of handling temper. A big negative.

I am a HUGE advocate of communication. I want to know the what's and why's and how's of solving the problem. A temper is not condusive to that. It only alienates and throws up walls. Puts people on the defensive.

I am curious what other's points of view is on this. Is there a difference in anger and temper to others? Do you feel there is ever a good time to have a temper tantrum?

Talk to me people!

No no no...........There's absolutely no good time in my experience for a D type to have a temper. It's an absolute sign of loss of control. It triggers me back into my experiences of abuse.
And there is SUCH a difference between acts of domination and anger. They are absolute polar opposites of experience.
i've always tried to find workable definitions for anger because of the work i do with clients in anger managment. After many articles and years of study and experie=nce later it comes down to this:
Anger is an attempt to control a situation experienced as being out of control.
For example: (an anecdote)....a man stands at the sink washing dishes. He calls out to his wife: ~Can you pass me the bread knife? ~She hears this and perceives it as his stupidity, lack of ability to know even where the simplest thing is kept in the kitchen. She shouts: ~Oh for goofness sake do i have to do everything?~(even though he is washing the dishes he perceives this as a microinequity...put down....meaning that he is adequate in the kichen and by inference  not adeqhate and out of control of.....a list goes off in his head.
He drags open a drwawer, sees the first knife he finds and becomes suddenly very angry jabbing it into the kitchen tips shouting: ~You're never satisfied with anything i ever do ever! I'll tell you where this bread knife is...~ etc etc and the entire ituation esculates.
Whereas domination is an authority by right, and a responsibility to control, initiates not only the ebvoronment but one's own inner feelings....whilst paying particular attention to the limits of the s-type or (in the case of total transfer of wuhority) paying attention to the s-types body kanguage. cries, moans, expressions, rather that waiting for a signal or safeword.
dominaton and its responsibilities astound me. And (whislt i am in an excellent and nenevolent mood) let me think all those dominats i have known who have managed themselves and the sene perfectly from their instinct, heart and mind. without them i would know very little of myself as a slave or my abilties to submit.




yourMissTress -> RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? (8/17/2008 2:20:13 PM)

I am slow to anger.  I am a Taurus, I will stuff and deny my anger until there is no more room for it to go.  When that happens cover your ears.  You are about to hear words that would make sailors, truck drivers, and clergymen blush eight different shades of red.  Not loudly, not yelling, just dripping out of my mouth in a nice sarcastic string, as I talk out what's made me angry and how to handle it, giving due consideration to my ideas and thoughts.

I don't usually lose my temper, I don't throw things, or stomp about but I have raised my voice above a good projection.  I'm human, sometimes things just get to that point.  But it's rare (read maybe 3 times in the last 10 years), and it's never lasted more than 2-3 minutes.  What can I say, I'm human.  I will start to do something, anything that keeps my hands busy.  Straightening up or laundry are good.  Laundry is actually very therapeutic for me.

There are many people (D's, s's, vanillas alike) who have anger issues, horrible tempers and the like.  They are simply human.  Humans are generally weak.  We give in to all kinds of temptations, anger is one of them.  It just doesn't happen to be my particular favorite of the lot.  I really prefer lust and greed.

edited because for some reason my color and font are not playing nice today.



OrionTheWolf -> RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? (8/17/2008 2:20:50 PM)

I have a bad temper, but rarely do I lose control of it. Since I am a passionate person about many things, sometimes that passion gets the best of me in are circumstances. Every time this happens, I examine my feelings afterwards and try to better understand why I lost control of my temper. In better understanding myself, I can better maintain control and lead my household and be someone my friends look up to.

There have only been very, very few instances when the loss of control was physical, and it was with another male that had harmed or verbally assaulted a friend or family member. Even then though, I accepted responsibility for my actions and was introspective as to why and how it could be avoided in the future. Luckily for me the time it resuled in police showing up, they understood a Father loosing his cool because his UM daughter had been called some filthy names just because she went into the corner of his yard to get her ball.

Usually my temper when I lose it, has to do with me saying a few choice cuss words, I walk off by myself for a few moments, regain my composure and then return to whatever I was doing.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

I was just reading a thread about submissives with a temper.

To me, temper is a negative. It instantly leads me to think of temper tantrums and insecure, out of control, behaviour. Something that is, to me, a huge weakness of character.

Not to confuse anger with temper. Anger is a natural response, but again to me, temper is an immature and negative way of handling temper. A big negative.

I am a HUGE advocate of communication. I want to know the what's and why's and how's of solving the problem. A temper is not condusive to that. It only alienates and throws up walls. Puts people on the defensive.

I am curious what other's points of view is on this. Is there a difference in anger and temper to others? Do you feel there is ever a good time to have a temper tantrum?

Talk to me people!



E2Sweet -> RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? (8/17/2008 2:34:14 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

...I am curious what other's points of view is on this. Is there a difference in anger and temper to others? Do you feel there is ever a good time to have a temper tantrum?...


Right or wrong, I've always though of anger as an emotion and temper as the outward display of anger.

I think anger is normal on occasion, as long as the individual can balance it with other, more positive emotions, and can handle the anger (and the cause of it)  like a grown adult.

Hmm, I'd have to say I don't believe there's ever a really good time to throw a tantrum, or any situation I can think of that calls specifically for a tantrum to be thrown. I don't see much positive coming out of it, really. A tantrum earns an individual no real respect from onlookers. It can definitely instill fear, which someone could misinterpret as respect, but that's about it...

I know one thing, I'd never catch myself on the floor side of the kneel with any dominant who wasn't able to control her anger and who threw tantrums. Not so much that I'd fear that person,  I just wouldn't be able to respect her.

As they say, you shouldn't have control of another if you aren't able to control yourself.





TysGalilah -> RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? (8/17/2008 2:56:19 PM)

I spent too many years as an emotions stuffer.  Learning to express my feelings and emotions has been an on going thing in my adulthood.  Sometimes I am still a little too far one way or the other. 
 
I am more prone to tear-up or get very quiet, though, when I feel  angry ( and am having trouble expressing that in words )  vs showing my anger in tantrum or outburst. 
 
Is a temper a sign of weakness in a Dtype?
  I don't know.  might be.  again depends on how it is expressed.  Anger< ok to express being anger  but if theres rage or violent outburst of emotions >   I shut right down.
   I guess that  comes from living too many years with a passive-aggressive spouse who drank too much to get in touch with his feelings. 
 
so for me... a Dtype that  hopes to have my trust needs to be able to have a handle on his emotions and not use anger to manipulate me.
 
 
 
 



mbes -> RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? (8/17/2008 3:07:16 PM)

I'd have no problem with a dom who has a temper. I have one too.
The question is, what level of control accompanies the temper? If it's low, we woudn't be a good match (bloodshed is negotiable; uncontrolled bloodshed is probably bad [:D] ). If it's fairly high, we might do well, because he would understand my passions.
Someone without one at all would be a really bad match for me, and frankly, would scare the f*#@ out of me.



IvyMorgan -> RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? (8/17/2008 3:12:01 PM)

Having been around people, dominants and vanilla, who have expressed anger, just normal healthy anger, around me, I've noticed I have a tendency to run and hide.

I don't do well in situations with angry people.

And yet, I work well in customer service.

Regularly being angry would be an issue for me



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