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RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? - 8/17/2008 8:15:34 PM   
Owner4SexSlave


Posts: 1311
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline 		This is a great topic.

Anger and Temper are just natural human emotions and reactions.  My views on this are not geared towards any specific orientation (Dom,sub,switch).

I would say these things are bad, if they are frequent and even worse it's it's frequently out of control.

Who wants to live with or be with a person, that is always angry and miserable.  If somebody constantly looses control of their anger and temper, bad things often result.

People at times do loose control on rare occasion.  It all depends up what the results are of loosing that control.   If there is any great harm caused or not?  Is it something that is forgiveable or not?  Everything does not fit nice and neat into black and white concepts.   There are always exceptions to every general guideline or rule established in our moral makeup.

However, if somebody has deep seated Anger issues, has a quick temper and looses control frequently.   These would be signs of weakness.  Regardless of the persons orientation.   Really does make for strong Doms, submissive or switches even, not does it?

I do think that somebody who is in control of themselves that can express Anger, hurt and other not so nice emotions is in fact a strong person.  For embracing thier full humanity.  Not playing some stupid game of hear no evil, see no evil and speak no evil.   Sooner or later bottled up emotions have a way of exploding into something intense and not very controlable.

Somebody who never expresses Anger, not shows a temper at all, concerns me just as much as somebody who is always angry and out of control with their temper.

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RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? - 8/17/2008 10:08:09 PM   
NuevaVida


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Status: offline 		I think someone else mentioned this, but having a temper and losing control of one's temper are two different things.  My former Master has a temper at times, but I never saw him lose control.  He's just an intense, passionate person, and expresses the gamut of his emotions in kind.   His anger made me uncomfortable and I didn't like it, but whether directed at me or somebody else I couldn't honestly say he ever lost control.  I also believe that just because someone has weaknesses (don't we all?) doesn't automatically make him/her a weak person.

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RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? - 8/17/2008 10:50:45 PM   
Maxwell67


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quote:

ORIGINAL: NeedingMore220
...  Yelling, to the point where spittle is flying, feels like an attack of sorts to me, and definitely feels like the person is out of control.  Which makes me want to get some distance between me and that person, which could be difficult in a D/s relationship.

Of course I've yelled in my lifetime - usually at my kids, and I usually apologize (unless they're really, really deserved it) because it shows I've lost my reasoning and temper when I'm in that mode.  Rationality isn't in charge then - pure emotion is.

Yes, I am sure it does feel like an attack.  Yelling is very aggressive.  However, people with military experience will tell you that for some, yelling can be a real art form.  It does not need to seem at all like a lack of control.  I am guessing you simply have never been yelled at by someone who was not out of control. 


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RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? - 8/17/2008 10:55:09 PM   
Leatherist


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Maxwell67

quote:

ORIGINAL: NeedingMore220
...  Yelling, to the point where spittle is flying, feels like an attack of sorts to me, and definitely feels like the person is out of control.  Which makes me want to get some distance between me and that person, which could be difficult in a D/s relationship.

Of course I've yelled in my lifetime - usually at my kids, and I usually apologize (unless they're really, really deserved it) because it shows I've lost my reasoning and temper when I'm in that mode.  Rationality isn't in charge then - pure emotion is.

Yes, I am sure it does feel like an attack.  Yelling is very aggressive.  However, people with military experience will tell you that for some, yelling can be a real art form.  It does not need to seem at all like a lack of control.  I am guessing you simply have never been yelled at by someone who was not out of control. 



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RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? - 8/17/2008 11:57:46 PM   
cpK69


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There is a time and place for everything, therefore, it depends on one’s goal.
 
If trying to get someone’s attention, or a point across in a civil manner was proving to be unproductive, then a temper tantrum could be what it takes to succeed.
 
I believe necessity is the deciding factor as to when, where, and with whom such actions might be productive.
 
Kimberly

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RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? - 8/18/2008 4:50:09 AM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
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From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline 		A Master at a munch walked up to me and told me he was seeking a trans
He invited me to play with him and I told him that there wasn't a chance
Then he dragged me from the bar, he told me to think about it once more
He grabbed me with his maulers on my ass, and then he kicked me

Now each time he kicked me he couldn't wait to do it again
His shoes were so nice you'd think it would take my mind off the pain
I started seeing stars above, I told him not to be so rough
He said 'I'm a sadistic cunt, it's pain I love' and then he kicked me

He kicked me in places where I've never been kicked before
He kicked me so hard I thought I wouldn't be walking any more

I knew he was a swine when he gave me all the kicks that he had
But he must have felt sorry when I reach out and grabbed hold of his nads
Grimacing he picked me up off the floor, giving signs that his balls were sore
He begged me not to twist his manhood no more, and then he kicked me
And so I kicked him
And then he kicked me
And so I thumped him
And then he belted me..

- original 'And Then He Kissed Me' by The Crystals writen by Phil Spector






< Message edited by stella41b -- 8/18/2008 4:51:08 AM >

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RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? - 8/18/2008 4:54:53 AM   
NeedingMore220


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quote:

Yes, I am sure it does feel like an attack. Yelling is very aggressive. However, people with military experience will tell you that for some, yelling can be a real art form. It does not need to seem at all like a lack of control. I am guessing you simply have never been yelled at by someone who was not out of control.


Nope, I haven't.  As in Leatherists's example - I do see the point of how this can be used in the military, but honestly if someone went around yelling at me like that in an everyday, non-military relationship, I would be walking on eggshells to prevent it all I could.  And I'll have to man-up quite a lot if ever drafted.  lol 

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RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? - 8/18/2008 6:56:30 AM   
TysGalilah


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quote:

ORIGINAL: cpK69


There is a time and place for everything, therefore, it depends on one’s goal.
 
If trying to get someone’s attention, or a point across in a civil manner was proving to be unproductive, then a temper tantrum could be what it takes to succeed.
 
I believe necessity is the deciding factor as to when, where, and with whom such actions might be productive.
 
Kimberly


Makes me think about my mom, she use to be ( what we kids lovingly called ) a cupboard slammer.   When she wanted help in the kitchen> instead of asking for it> she would slam cupboards so we would jump up and ask if she needed help.
passive-aggressive codependant, and I unwittingly picked it up in my inability to verbalize my needs and wants.   And it was a hard habit to break..
 
If I have resorted to throwing a temper-tantrum to get someones attention....I think that says more about my inability to communicate well than it does about that other persons ability to pay attention.    and, what have I sacrificed of myself by acting that way?  starts with a D and ends with an Ignity
 
 Having spent years as a pre-school teacher > I use the phrase " use your words" often to try to teach children to NOT throw a tantrum to make their needs known.
  Adults that do it?  I generally ignore.
 
 
 
 

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RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? - 8/18/2008 8:10:42 AM   
KnightofMists


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Status: offline 		For me... Anger and Temper is not really that different from each other in my view.

Anger just reflects the feeling while Temper is the point that our Anger will be expressed.

I think many see it that way... it's why you here things like... "I have short Temper"

It always comes down to HOW the person expresses their Anger!  I think someone that has a short Temper and is uncontroled when they express this anger........ is a very bad combination. 

I noticed that my Temper is very much dependent on how rested I feel and my particular mood.  If I am in rather happy mood and rested... well my anger doesn't seem to registar as much.  But.. If I am Tired and Displeased .... I am much more likely to angered at a situation or person.  However... Even in a state of anger I do tend to keep controlled ... but still not as well as I want.  One thing that Kyra said to me once... when I get angered... the person that has angered me gets with both barrels... those around.. thou uncomfortable well avoid the rath... as long as they don't do anything to get into my cross hairs.  I also can change my anger rath quickly.  It doesn't stew for hours or days.  When I expressed it... It's done! 

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RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? - 8/18/2008 8:15:06 AM   
cpK69


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quote:

ORIGINAL: TysGalilah

quote:

ORIGINAL: cpK69


There is a time and place for everything, therefore, it depends on one’s goal.
 
If trying to get someone’s attention, or a point across in a civil manner was proving to be unproductive, then a temper tantrum could be what it takes to succeed.
 
I believe necessity is the deciding factor as to when, where, and with whom such actions might be productive.
 
Kimberly


Makes me think about my mom, she use to be ( what we kids lovingly called ) a cupboard slammer.   When she wanted help in the kitchen> instead of asking for it> she would slam cupboards so we would jump up and ask if she needed help.
passive-aggressive codependant, and I unwittingly picked it up in my inability to verbalize my needs and wants.   And it was a hard habit to break..
 
If I have resorted to throwing a temper-tantrum to get someones attention....I think that says more about my inability to communicate well than it does about that other persons ability to pay attention.    and, what have I sacrificed of myself by acting that way?  starts with a D and ends with an Ignity
 
 Having spent years as a pre-school teacher > I use the phrase " use your words" often to try to teach children to NOT throw a tantrum to make their needs known.
  Adults that do it?  I generally ignore.


The part of my response that you highlighted, was in light of having dealt with adults that you could talk to until your blue in the face, and still get no response; and some who just don’t believe you mean it, until you put a little umfff behind what you’re saying.
 
I did say that it would depended on the goal, and that necessity was a deciding factor.

Two differnt situations, yes?
 
Kimberly

(in reply to TysGalilah)
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RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? - 8/18/2008 8:52:12 AM   
TysGalilah


Posts: 589
Joined: 11/21/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: cpK69

quote:

ORIGINAL: TysGalilah

quote:

ORIGINAL: cpK69


There is a time and place for everything, therefore, it depends on one’s goal.
 
If trying to get someone’s attention, or a point across in a civil manner was proving to be unproductive, then a temper tantrum could be what it takes to succeed.
 
I believe necessity is the deciding factor as to when, where, and with whom such actions might be productive.
 
Kimberly


Makes me think about my mom, she use to be ( what we kids lovingly called ) a cupboard slammer.   When she wanted help in the kitchen> instead of asking for it> she would slam cupboards so we would jump up and ask if she needed help.
passive-aggressive codependant, and I unwittingly picked it up in my inability to verbalize my needs and wants.   And it was a hard habit to break..
 
If I have resorted to throwing a temper-tantrum to get someones attention....I think that says more about my inability to communicate well than it does about that other persons ability to pay attention.    and, what have I sacrificed of myself by acting that way?  starts with a D and ends with an Ignity
 
 Having spent years as a pre-school teacher > I use the phrase " use your words" often to try to teach children to NOT throw a tantrum to make their needs known.
  Adults that do it?  I generally ignore.


The part of my response that you highlighted, was in light of having dealt with adults that you could talk to until your blue in the face, and still get no response; and some who just don’t believe you mean it, until you put a little umfff behind what you’re saying.
 
I did say that it would depended on the goal, and that necessity was a deciding factor.

Two differnt situations, yes?
 
Kimberly


Hi Kimberly
 
    could you please explain a little about what you mean when you say " a little ummfff"  ??
 
   from reading the thread I think the interpretation of " temper"  "temper tantrums"   seem to vary alot..
 
I agree, that becoming more assertive or insistant in your trying to get your views heard >  is not what I would call a temper tantrum...but maybe it is what you would call it..
 
any thoughts? : )

 
 

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RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? - 8/18/2008 8:56:13 AM   
DiurnalVampire


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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse


I am curious what other's points of view is on this. Is there a difference in anger and temper to others? Do you feel there is ever a good time to have a temper tantrum?

Talk to me people!

I have a temper, with an insanely long fuse. Once you do make me angry, though, you had best run for cover because if you have pushed that far you deserve what you get. I have never had a temper tantrum. I DO think an uncontrollable temper is a weakness... like any other uncontrollable facet.

DV


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RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? - 8/18/2008 9:10:51 AM   
HalloweenWhite


Posts: 1028
Joined: 6/20/2005
Status: offline 		As a Dominant I think it's important to control My temper. I think if You can't You could end up just as some kind of out of control bully, if not in reality then in the eyes of other Dominants and submissives and that's not health because You won't be trusted to be played with.

I also think not being able to control Your temper is what "vanilla's" do all or most of the time so what makes You stand out as a Dominant?.

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RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? - 8/18/2008 9:23:59 AM   
cjan


Posts: 3513
Joined: 2/21/2008
Status: offline 		Imo, There is world of difference between anger and temper. Temper , to me, always has to do with a lack of self control and may be generated by many causes, some "real", some less so. but  it is always self-indulgent and immature. Anger is reality based and , even so, should be controlled and expressed in a constructive way. Temper is for kids.

< Message edited by cjan -- 8/18/2008 9:29:00 AM >

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RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? - 8/18/2008 10:55:37 AM   
CallaFirestormBW


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quote:

ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire

I have a temper, with an insanely long fuse. Once you do make me angry, though, you had best run for cover because if you have pushed that far you deserve what you get. I have never had a temper tantrum. I DO think an uncontrollable temper is a weakness... like any other uncontrollable facet.

DV



You sound like my Darling. She has an outrageously long fuse, and it's hard to get it lit. She also gives lots of "warnings" that someone is getting close to her last nerve... of course, some of us just can't resist going there anyway.... and when the fuse finally -does- go off on her temper, Nine Sacred Havens shelter the one who lit the match and then danced on the fuse... because the little pieces will be used for confetti for her own private "bitch parade". *LOL*

That being said, the key word here for me is "uncontrolled" -- I think that, while both my Darling and I have the occasional outburst, neither one of us is apt to completely lose control... it may get -really- hot, but it's a controlled burn (in my case) or a carefully metered and targeted explosion (in my Darling's case). I do think, though, that sometimes, for me, it is the only way to make sure that the point is made with absolutely NO chance of being ignored.

Calla Firestorm


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RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? - 8/18/2008 11:50:10 AM   
Daes


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From: Diamond Bar, SoCal
Status: offline 		Hm, good thread, gave me much to think about. Anger is a natural emotion, temper is when the anger is handled in a negative fashion - but this is also natural and varies from person to person.

I've had bad experiences with people that have bad tempers. My ex for one had a temper and could/would never control it.

Sir has a temper, he controls it, and he, also, has a long fuse but you can tell when its been lit >.> I think W/we both hope that I never have to see him in that state. It would be very damaging. But I think we also have an understanding of how we both work. If he is in a bad place, he can go for a walk or cool off, and I'll be a good girl and not do anything to worsen his moods, that includes letting him leave and blow off some steam so I dont get burned.

I do get a little lost when he's in a bad mood and there's nothing I can really do to fix it, and though he's a tad callous when he's like that, its not more than I can deal with and he's quite sensitive to changes in my own behavior and reactions.

We can handle each other when we have our moods, but I have my own temper.. it makes me wonder what will happen the day we're both at the end of our ropes and if it is something we could survive. For the most part its not something I give much thought to since we both handle our anger fairly well, but it is a possibility and something I should be prepared for if it ever does happen.


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RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? - 8/18/2008 1:06:02 PM   
cpK69


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quote:

ORIGINAL: TysGalilah 
I agree, that becoming more assertive or insistant in your trying to get your views heard >  is not what I would call a temper tantrum...but maybe it is what you would call it..
 
any thoughts? : )


Hello, Galilah
 
I think for an adult version of the term, I would say it is an outburst of anger, though, I wouldn’t limit it to just yelling. It is not something I would want to see in someone all the time, but I am not against the occasional incident. I would also put the condition that it is done in a safe manner, so that nothing is broken and no one gets hurt. Otherwise, I am well aware that life is tough, and sometimes people hit their boiling point.
 
A reason I had for throwing a tantrum was when I found out someone had taken my ATM card and helped themselves to $200 dollars; twice. I was livid, and I made sure that everyone who had been in my apartment knew it. I also made sure they all knew that if I didn’t get my money back, when I found out who it was, they were going to jail. I did that because I wanted them to know I wasn’t playing, and that was the only way those involved would have known I meant it.
 
I try to base things on situational circumstances. I’m not a Dom, but since I was able to come up with a situation I deemed worth of a temper tantrum, and can’t possibly know all situations, I can’t out rule that a Dom might run into one as well.
 
I hope that helps. :)
 
Kimberly

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RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? - 8/18/2008 2:07:01 PM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
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Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: stella41b

A Master at a munch walked up to me and told me he was seeking a trans
He invited me to play with him and I told him that there wasn't a chance
Then he dragged me from the bar, he told me to think about it once more
He grabbed me with his maulers on my ass, and then he kicked me

Now each time he kicked me he couldn't wait to do it again
His shoes were so nice you'd think it would take my mind off the pain
I started seeing stars above, I told him not to be so rough
He said 'I'm a sadistic cunt, it's pain I love' and then he kicked me

He kicked me in places where I've never been kicked before
He kicked me so hard I thought I wouldn't be walking any more

I knew he was a swine when he gave me all the kicks that he had
But he must have felt sorry when I reach out and grabbed hold of his nads
Grimacing he picked me up off the floor, giving signs that his balls were sore
He begged me not to twist his manhood no more, and then he kicked me
And so I kicked him
And then he kicked me
And so I thumped him
And then he belted me..

- original 'And Then He Kissed Me' by The Crystals writen by Phil Spector


The harmonies are great in this version stella.


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RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? - 8/18/2008 7:17:45 PM   
Wildfleurs


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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

I was just reading a thread about submissives with a temper.

To me, temper is a negative. It instantly leads me to think of temper tantrums and insecure, out of control, behaviour. Something that is, to me, a huge weakness of character.

Not to confuse anger with temper. Anger is a natural response, but again to me, temper is an immature and negative way of handling temper. A big negative.

I am a HUGE advocate of communication. I want to know the what's and why's and how's of solving the problem. A temper is not condusive to that. It only alienates and throws up walls. Puts people on the defensive.

I am curious what other's points of view is on this. Is there a difference in anger and temper to others? Do you feel there is ever a good time to have a temper tantrum?

Talk to me people!


My owner has a temper - it doesn't bother me much since I come from a family thats more... prone to having tempers. At the most, I just find tempers a little annoying. My reaction to tempers tends to be to go cold, although as I've gotten older I seem to have developed a temper.

I don't see a temper as a bad thing, it just means that some people are more prone to "burning red" and reacting very strongly to certain things.

C~

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RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? - 8/18/2008 9:01:05 PM   
daddysliloneds


Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline 		i view temper and anger as one in the same in the emotions department; meaning to me, no one is immune from them.  now how someone decides to deal with these emotions is a whole other ball of wax. 

as far as when a temper tantrum/losing control due to anger, can be seen as a good thing, well, i witnessed it for myself when my own adult son lost it at the doctors office when they weren't giving him the answers he needed to feel at ease with something he's been dealing with for most of his life.  instead of blowing off his questions and trying to appease him with some bullshit answers, they immediately took his reaction to heart as that of a man who was scared for his life, and with good reason.  a whole bunch of blood work and tests were immediately done on him and he got proof-positive answers in less than a month, to something he's been dealing with and asking questions about, for over 14 years!

as far as losing control of our anger in a relationship, well, i've yet to see that work out to anyones benefit, unless of course, it was beneficial to abolish the relationship once and for all. 

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