RE: Does artificially playing hard-to-get irk you in BDSM play?

RE: Does artificially playing hard-to-get irk you in BDSM play? (Full Version)

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PsyVamp -> RE: Does artificially playing hard-to-get irk you in BDSM play? (8/16/2008 1:44:42 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW quote: ORIGINAL: CalifChick So nobody above is into some force-play? Or am I reading it wrong? Cali Nope, I definitely don't do 'force play'. I make that -really- clear when I talk with someone. If you tell me "no" or "don't" or say "stop", that's it for me -- I stop what I'm doing, period. It's one reason I don't get hung up on the whole 'safeword' issue. I use 'safewords' -- No, Don't, Stop, 'fuck, no more!', "enough!"... whatever comes out of someone's mouth that says "Don't want to go -any- further. No games, no innuendo, no vague, guilt-laden fancy-dance. Just making pretty mandalas on skin in metal, blood, flame, leather, sticks and wax. CFB CFB, that is exactly how I ran this last year with My pet. he once threw out that we don't "scene" much, I replied "that's because you "say no to everything" - the look on his face was priceless. Although, I have no problems negotiating a force scene ;) To the OP, if I have talked over everything with the person for weeks or months prior, the whole "maybe, no, don't do that" thing would cause whatever scene it was to stop. At that point I would sit down and talk to the person to find out what issues were causing the reaction. Lady Jag

KneelforAnne -> RE: Does artificially playing hard-to-get irk you in BDSM play? (8/16/2008 1:45:28 PM)
I don’t play hard to get…I think paying games is a useless way to pass the time. However, when I am uncomfortable I do tend to giggle and laugh. Now, I know this can be misleading as I do the same when I am having fun, but nevertheless that is what happens. Another reason is that for some women--note that I say SOME--there is also that urge to be lady-like…the “good-girls don’t mentality“. She could have been having some problems with that--and may not have known ahead of time that she WOULD have problems with it… hopes that is clear

CreativeDominant -> RE: Does artificially playing hard-to-get irk you in BDSM play? (8/16/2008 1:47:20 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lockit The thing is we weren't there. We don't know what she was actually doing. I have had experiences where you just jump right in and go for it, but most of the time, I need a bit more than that. If I agree to meet someone and play or be sexual, that doesn't mean that within fifteen minutes we are doing so. Why not? If that was what was agreed to, then why not? I don't want to sound like the sex is the end-all, be-all for me but if you have spent time corresponding (if doing this through the net) and/or conversing on the phone and/or in person and this has been what has finally agreed to as to what is going to happen on the next time of seeing each other, then what is the reasoning behind continuing to prolong the wait? If you are a submissive and you have agreed to play and have sex, as she agreed to (something that it seems to me is being overlooked here), then isn't prolonging the wait and deciding when it is going to happen an attempt to exert control over a part of the D/s BDSM interaction that the dominant usually has control over? And I am going to assume...even given the danger of assumption...that this is what we are talking about here since it is at least hinted at in the OPs post.

Lockit -> RE: Does artificially playing hard-to-get irk you in BDSM play? (8/16/2008 2:02:27 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant quote: ORIGINAL: Lockit The thing is we weren't there. We don't know what she was actually doing. I have had experiences where you just jump right in and go for it, but most of the time, I need a bit more than that. If I agree to meet someone and play or be sexual, that doesn't mean that within fifteen minutes we are doing so. Why not? If that was what was agreed to, then why not? I don't want to sound like the sex is the end-all, be-all for me but if you have spent time corresponding (if doing this through the net) and/or conversing on the phone and/or in person and this has been what has finally agreed to as to what is going to happen on the next time of seeing each other, then what is the reasoning behind continuing to prolong the wait? If you are a submissive and you have agreed to play and have sex, as she agreed to (something that it seems to me is being overlooked here), then isn't prolonging the wait and deciding when it is going to happen an attempt to exert control over a part of the D/s BDSM interaction that the dominant usually has control over? And I am going to assume...even given the danger of assumption...that this is what we are talking about here since it is at least hinted at in the OPs post. Very recently I had this situation. I told the man before that because I have agreed, that doesn't mean that we will jump right in. I will want time to be comfortable with you. I tend to cover most the bases, but can forget something. I am not all about play even when playing and if a man can't let me get comfortable on a physical level, then I have a right to decline. What happens if one agree's and then in person, they find some reason to back off that they couldn't tell previously? They don't have a right to say no? I have rarely done things this way, but no matter what, I reserve the right to go slow during the meet or say no.

GabrielleSlave -> RE: Does artificially playing hard-to-get irk you in BDSM play? (8/16/2008 2:09:42 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lockit What happens if one agree's and then in person, they find some reason to back off that they couldn't tell previously? They don't have a right to say no? i have never been in that situation, but i would assume here that a responsible Dom would not want to be accused of rape, no matter what had been 'agreed' online or otherwise... Gabrielle x

Lockit -> RE: Does artificially playing hard-to-get irk you in BDSM play? (8/16/2008 2:16:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: pompeii Basically, I said I wanted no fuss, her to obey, and me to use the toys we had previously agreed upon on her. Well, in the end, we had a grand time, but, for the first two hours, she kept playing coy all of a sudden (she wasn't that way in the emails at all). I came to like her, but, this artificially coy you-can't-have-me-come-and-get-me-no-no-don't-do-that-why-did-you-stop stuff was starting to irk me, mostly as I was thinking about it on my way home during the inevitable "was-that-worth-the-effort" all guys I know seem to do on the way home from any "date". Anyway, the date was fine, and, I doubt she would even notice the "feelings" I'm trying to understand more about here, but, the basic question is ... is it just me or are other totally fed up with the artificially you-can't-have-me but why-did-you-stop attitude of some players? (Hope my question isn't too muddied, as it would be great to hear YOUR perspective on playing hard to get for not good reason (as far as I can tell).) In these two paragraphs, I find a number of questions. First of all, they had never met and only exchanged emails. She showed interest and agreed in whatever they talked about, but we don't know her age or situation and she might not have understood certain things even about herself or how she might feel. The thought or fantasy of the situation might have been wonderful and then when in the moment, she got shy or whatever. Then again, she could have been a player period. If she actually said... why did you stop... I would consider she was playing a game. But within the same paragraph we read... how all guys after a date, question whether whatever they did was worth it. That indicates to me, there might be a bit of an attitude or something I can't really project, but would question. An in general feeling I get is that women are not worth the effort and all men question that after a date. Gee... thanks guys! I do not believe all guys do this and find it rather offensive as a woman. As for the last paragraph I quote here, he states she most likely didn't know how he was feeling. I must ask... why didn't he tell her? Why did he play the game she might have been playing... he had the right to call the shots. Was he playing in response to a manipulation she had started and continued? I have done that two times that I can remember and said a few just to cover my tail end, but I did not go ahead in such a situation and get that cum. I played (edited to add...played the game) for a moment and then put a stop to it. There is a lot we don't know about this situation or any situation someone might have had.

DomDolf -> RE: Does artificially playing hard-to-get irk you in BDSM play? (8/16/2008 2:31:06 PM)
In this context I believe this may be a clearer definition of coy. Showing marked and often playful or irritating evasiveness or reluctance to make a definite or committing statement; "a politician coy about his intentions"

StormsSlave -> RE: Does artificially playing hard-to-get irk you in BDSM play? (8/16/2008 2:52:29 PM)
I've never understood the whole false coy act. I've always found a bluntly honest, sincere expression of my desire for any man I have wanted to have instant results, and I throw myself into play with abandon. Sounds like fun! Hmmm....where's that man? Time for some sincere expressions! :D

stella41b -> RE: Does artificially playing hard-to-get irk you in BDSM play? (8/16/2008 3:16:12 PM)
I guess I'm more or less in agreement with Lockit here. In my opinion if you're placing a classified on a site like CL, negotiating by e-mail or phone and going straight into play then I guess you got to take the rough with the smooth. Not that there's anything wrong with this approach but you can't predict how she's going to respond to the first scene. It seems to be what's known as 'submissive's reserve' - some submissives are only up for around 50% of what they agree to online or on the phone. The OP is right to be pissed, because it ruins the session for him. Personally I don't understand why the submissive can't fess up at the start and say 'Go easy, right?' instead of opting for the mindgames. My suggestion to the OP is to either allow for this 'submissive's reserve' or spend more time on getting to know the sub and being a bit less tolerant.

justright22 -> RE: Does artificially playing hard-to-get irk you in BDSM play? (8/16/2008 4:40:26 PM)
quote: the inevitable "was-that-worth-the-effort" all guys I know seem to do on the way home from any "date". This thing right here is exactly the reason I do not play/scene/do one night stands/whatever you want to call it. I hate the idea of a MAN (read grown ass human being that should have a clue in life) being so self absorbed that he'd wonder if SEX with me was worth the effort he had to put in to get what he wanted from me in the first place. Do I want to be treated or thought of as a piece of ass not worth shit? No thanks, I'd rather not run that risk!

LaTigresse -> RE: Does artificially playing hard-to-get irk you in BDSM play? (8/16/2008 5:13:06 PM)
I won't tollerate games. Either they want to belong to me or they don't. Rarely do they even get a second chance. That being said, casual play is not my thing. Nothing against it, I just have no interest in it.

littlewonder -> RE: Does artificially playing hard-to-get irk you in BDSM play? (8/16/2008 8:44:42 PM)
The whole cat and mouse game wore off on me years ago. Yeah it was fun when I was young and not looking for anything more than a fun time but ya know, I grew up and matured. These days when someone tries that I just lose all interest and I move on. I just don't have the patience for it anymore nor do I want to have the patience for it.

Leatherist -> RE: Does artificially playing hard-to-get irk you in BDSM play? (8/16/2008 10:51:11 PM)
Dunno, maybe it's just a "drop me and rape my ass" invitation?

catize -> RE: Does artificially playing hard-to-get irk you in BDSM play? (8/17/2008 4:31:54 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: littlewonder The whole cat and mouse game wore off on me years ago. Yeah it was fun when I was young and not looking for anything more than a fun time but ya know, I grew up and matured. These days when someone tries that I just lose all interest and I move on. I just don't have the patience for it anymore nor do I want to have the patience for it. And that is my point to the OP. He was annoyed during play, but was getting enough out of it to stay. He made the choice to continue, and I maintain that if he is annoyed it needs to be at himself, not his play partner.

KatyLied -> RE: Does artificially playing hard-to-get irk you in BDSM play? (8/17/2008 5:19:12 AM)
quote: "was-that-worth-the-effort" all guys I know seem to do on the way home from any "date". Girls have that too.

RavenMuse -> RE: Does artificially playing hard-to-get irk you in BDSM play? (8/17/2008 5:50:31 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LaTigresse I won't tollerate games. Either they want to belong to me or they don't. Rarely do they even get a second chance. Thats saves some typing.... what LaT said! [:)]

sblady -> RE: Does artificially playing hard-to-get irk you in BDSM play? (8/17/2008 6:43:38 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lockit I've seen people do this when they were simply shy and didn't know how to act. It was and is much easier to say what you think and be 'out there' behind a keyboard and monitor. In person, they can clam up and humor/giggles/coy maybe, are a way to try and deal with it until they are more comfortable. I absolutely agree with this paragraph. I'm terribly shy when first meeting someone. Although it may appear that I'm playing hard to get or just begging for someone to "drop my ass and rape me" as someone else mentioned, it's shyness. However, if the person the OP met knew she has these tendencies (shyness, nervousness, etc.), she should have informed the OP numerous times prior to meeting. Perhaps he would have chosen not to meet or be prepared to handle things within the specified guidelines of their arrangement.

WizardOfDelphi -> RE: Does artificially playing hard-to-get irk you in BDSM play? (8/17/2008 3:26:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: pompeii Basically, I said I wanted no fuss, her to obey, and me to use the toys we had previously agreed upon on her. Well, in the end, we had a grand time, but, for the first two hours, she kept playing coy all of a sudden (she wasn't that way in the emails at all). I came to like her, but, this artificially coy you-can't-have-me-come-and-get-me-no-no-don't-do-that-why-did-you-stop stuff was starting to irk me, mostly as I was thinking about it on my way home during the inevitable "was-that-worth-the-effort" all guys I know seem to do on the way home from any "date". Maybe you should try looking at this from another perspective. Why was she acting like that? Is it because she likes being coy? Or maybe it was because she didn't know you and she wanted things to slow down? Most experienced people I know in the lifestyle, myself included, make it a point that they will not play the first time they meet someone. They want the opportunity to sit down and get to know them before play begins. So generally a meeting over coffee is setup or it is made otherwise clear that there won't likely be any play on the first meeting. Now, they don't always follow through with this rule. I'm notoriously bad at it myself. But the intention and motive is there to get to know them before playing. So at the very least there is generally some time spent up front talking. Submissive women who are new to the lifestyle or otherwise don't have a lot of experience frequently need this time up front to get comfortable. If they are pushed or encouraged to start playing right away its more difficult for them to get comfortable and it can be very awkward. Well, except for asshole doms who don't really care about the mental or emotional health of their bottoms. So, I suggest to take a bit of time and reconsider the situation from this possible perspective. Do you think that maybe was trying to slow you down because she wasn't yet comfortable? Now, if you do determine that she was just playing games with you, I'd probably end that too. I hate game players and refuse to play along. If its negotiated role-play or its done in a fun/cute kinda way that's different. I know plenty of slutty submissive who love to do that "I'm a nice girl" act - but we both know its an act and it doesn't last long....

WizardOfDelphi -> RE: Does artificially playing hard-to-get irk you in BDSM play? (8/17/2008 3:29:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: catize I’d think you would ask this question during play, not after. It seems obvious that you put up with the annoyance for a reason---something (gee, lemme guess………sex?) that you wanted and decided to get at any cost. Rather than blame her, perhaps you need to take a look at your own reluctance to take charge, even if that meant you walked away without whatever ‘reward’ you were seeking. Excellent point. I find it is always best to address issues like this head on at the time they are occurring. I've experienced my fair share of situations where the woman was not at all acting the way I expected she would. If I suspect there may be a problem, I just stop and ask. Often things are cleared up and progress nicely. It can also get more awkward or it becomes evident that there is a problem. I've ended things myself quite a few times due to odd behavior, unwillingness to communicate or an obvious problem. Even when I was totally worked up and I so totally could have gotten whatever I wanted, I feel its generally best to slow down or stop if things are weird. Unless, of course, both parties are verifiability experienced and you've negotiated about said potential weirdness or whatever in advance.

GreedyTop -> RE: Does artificially playing hard-to-get irk you in BDSM play? (8/17/2008 5:13:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Leatherist Dunno, maybe it's just a "drop me and rape my ass" invitation? ~FR~ wow..how'd I miss this? Thats just hot..

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