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AgirlnamedKaryn -> RE: So you're a victim? How's that working out for you? (6/29/2009 6:36:45 PM)
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Hello everyone,
It's been ages since I posted here, but the author of this topic pointed it out to me in order to help me and my viewpoint in life. It provoked some deep thinking, which I'm sure helped. It also provoked questions I had. So many replies last year when it was originally posted seemed to cheer the author, and BRAVO, it was an awesomly written and important post. Still, I did not see anyone attempt to show a counterpoint, or any version of a disagreement. I'm going to post what I wrote in return to him sharing this with me. I know it is an old comment, but I've never been pointed in its direction so I ask your tolerance please.
First, the type of victim impacts their ability to change. You have spoken clearly about getting over it. You decided to stop being a victim, and get over it. Would you tell a cancer patient to get over it? It's easy to get on a bandwagon, especially when it works for you. I applaud those who've had a harrowing childhood, experienced trauma at the hands of someone bigger, stronger, and simply terrifying, and gotten past the deep rooted emotions related in such a way that they were able to take life by the horns and say, I'm alive! I'm alive and I'm going to make something of myself.
A victim of a car accident would be different than a victim of cancer. You can contract cancer at 12 or 92. You can also be involved in a car crash and be damaged in some way at either of those ages or many others. Age will play a very relevant part in their ability to follow your lead and work on getting over it and getting on with it. A 92 year old patient may never have the option of walking again after having a pin placed in his hip but a 12 year old may end up being a star athlete in college after years of physical therapy and strength building.
Life is so balanced in its own strange way. Where one may rise, another may fall. Many families have experienced the unusual yet beautiful passing of one life while another family member is born into the family. The universe balances us all like that. The people who've been victim of all sorts of things will face all sorts of ways to heal, ways to get on with life, pick themselves up by the bootstraps and live.
It's very likely that psychologists (at least mine has) suggested that I look at the setback of a serious disease that is both chronic and at this point incurable as one might deal with death. I've not died, no. The old me has though. It's better for me to find the real in my life and acknowledge it then it is to be counselled to keep trying, and get better. With enough hope, you're going to overcome this disease. When doctors are very sure, there is always that defining moment (those with chronic illness will likely remember the point it happened) when the first nail was struck to place the old self in a coffin and out of thought.
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The other question or thought is this. People who are scourges of society are taught to join together in their pain and talk about what brought them to the bottom of the pit. They're rewarded for the number of days sober, or whatever. They get group time.
I've noticed here in the scope of online living, there are a lot of issues behind the typist, illness, injuries from the Iraq war. You know, you name it, it's here. Each person should have their chance to connect to others who understand. Sometimes, they're housebound. I'm about 85% housebound. I take advantage then of online resources and it is notorious for me to hook up with others, unknown at the time I meet them, who end up understanding well how or what I feel because they're in the same sort of situation or have friends who are. But... if I talk about my health issues, and begin to sound repetititve, I'm not rewarded at a group with a button for number of days, months and years learning to deal with this. I'm no longer fun, and even though there was a group that once surrounded, now it is just too much.
That's so oddly imbalanced. I understand it. Part of the time, since my life changed and I began taking the stages of acceptance with a guided hand in the medical field, I've wanted to be anonymous and just play sports or roll dice or bet on pocket aces. Other times, however, I wish I had the same support that a heroin addict has when they try to find life on a sober route. Why do I have to be in a heroin or alcohol addict in recovery to get to talk about what my life is doing and how it is going, even if it is the same repetitive stuff? And is it healthy for either the narcotic's addict or the chronic pain patient to fall into the victim's group in the first place?
It's very important to know the subject - very well. I think in Ms we consider the open clear concepts of one another are a vital starting point for any Ms relationship. That would likely include some mention of everything I said and everything said in the OP. Then, the dominant would know what they were working with and the submissive would know some of the personal struggles she could help her future Master overcome and/or avoid.
If - however - you take bits and pieces early on in a relationship and decide that someone fits into one category or another, and thus needs to be treated this way or that way, and the choices you make and actions you take harm the person because you do not know them personally. Even if they were victimized EXACTLY like you were in life, you cannot know how he or she was taught to handle it. You cannot know personal triggers. You cannot know a lot of details till you accidentally land on them. It's good to trust your special person, top or bottom. Trust is valued at every step. People who read the OP jumped on the bandwagon and said oh yeah, I know what you mean.
There were and are hundreds of people who see parts of it in their life, but assuming that every victim can first overcome whatever created the victimology in the first place can be devastating to you later on in the relationship. Criticizing someone for their mannerisms, their defense mechanisms, and tossing around your method that worked for you as 'the answer' is also unhealthy. Every person deserves a fair time to deal with their victimology. The uniqueness of what makes us human also makes us very different from even our identical twin if we had one. No two people can be counselled the same. No two people felt exactly the same way about the exact same occurrence.
Whether it is innocence lost like the OP shared or legs lost in our personal country's service, each victim needs a chance to deal with their stuff in their time. I agree, there are times where people may use their stuff to garner sympathy. They may use it falsely for years. There also may be a chance that someone else who did use it for sympathy then outgrew it might miscue and think someone else IS using their victimology as a way to get attention and instead that person is looking for the room where they can stand up and say, "I'm a victim of the disease cancer. The doctor says I have 4 months left to live." and then receive hugs, tears, time and especially relationships that will last as long as the life they have left will last.
My hope is that just as we're all carefully discerning in respect to needs related to our particular lifestyle - openminded Ms - we're also equally as careful about jumping to conclusions unfairly within our community or outside it, and when meeting new people, we don't auto-respond to that person, but instead give them time and energy and love, yes just as the OP commented, unconditional love. With more patience, the person dealing with chronic trauma that has created a victim pathology as part of their psychic evaluation might find the person/people who can help them work within their moment, and maybe the love you give next time, the pay it forward kind of love, will come back one day and help you.
I pray none of you have to figure out how to deal with a life that includes some form of victimology. My guess is, in any family gathering, in any office place, at any bar, or any traffic light, you will find more than one person in their personal process. Give people space and time to deal with their stuff. Help if you can. Stay out of the way if you can't and let others with that gift move in and take over. There are many forms of victimology. You may be able to help the next person who crosses your path instead of this one today that you knew or met.
My best,
k
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