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Owner4SexSlave -> Evolution of BDSM Relationships (8/8/2008 5:57:40 AM)
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I'm dragging out the soap box this morning while I sip on my coffee. It's not my intention to rant or belittle anybody. However, I wish to express or share with other people my perspective regarding BDSM relationships.
I've always considered my experience level to be somewhat middle of the road. Because I have never own a fully loaded dungeon of evil torture equipment. My experience lacks in the department of Heavy BDSM equipment. I've not said and done every BDSM activitity there is to humanly do. Some things, I'm not certain I even want to do. Anyways, screw the equipment and evil device experience levels for a moment. Those things don't make or break a BDSM relationship.
Now, back to this concept of Evolution of a relationship. My views on this are based upon my own experiences and not upon some fantasy notion of D/s or theory bullshit. At times, I read things that conflict with my set of life experiences and I'm thinking to myself "What the fuck?", I wonder what alternative reality are people coming from.
Mind you, I've gained a lot of insight from other people on this message board. I've started a number of threads to get feedback and insight from people on a number of topics. A few issues I was having with my own internal boundaries or limits. In many ways, this has helped me understand some of my past partners a little better as well. History, has this strange way of repeating itself. In many regards, I feel that I'm more mentally prepared to take things to other levels. I've grown and evoled some mentally. All from using this friggen message board and from making some really great friends here as well.
First and foremost, I want to thank everybody for the great exchanges that happen on here. Even those people that generally can be a pain in the ass. Even the snarky people have contributed insightful posts at times. Behind humor is a measure of truth. That's what makes things truely funny is that fact that there's a measure of truth in what's being said.
I'm sitting here listening to "Hilary Duff" pumping into my head phones. Now, go ahead and make fun of me for that, if you must. What's important to me is the fact that I'm actually enjoying her whole Dignity Album. Some people love to make fun of other people for the things they love, like and enjoy. There have been moments when somebody was being Ate alive with snarky remarks for thier Love of (insert activitity here).
Now, when I first started doing BDSM activities. I was young and innocent. Actually, I did not even know there was a whole lifestyle sub-culture in society. I just know I loved and enjoyed and found myself doing more and more twisted things. That my fantasies were rather different compared to most guys I knew. In time these things have grown and evoled.
For instance, Wax play. This started in my life as the result of making candle holders out of glass bottles. Dripping different colors of hot wax down the side of the bottle. Those beautiful proverbial Wax streams flowing, and building up. Now, by accident this stuff was dripping on my hands and flowing down my arms by mistake. Wow, it felt Awesome. The girl next door and I were making these holders together. Both of us, started playing with wax on each other more and more, and making candle holders less and less. Until One day, we both were practically naked in my room together. It's not about candles anymore, when she's down to just her panties and I'm in my underwear as well. Laying down on the floor and pouring wax all over each other. Those proverbial hot wax streams.
What sad is that in time, her and I together started exploring more twisted things together. Magic Tricks, Rope escape tricks, turning into full blown Bondage. Wrestling matching turning into Hair pulling, ass spanking, throat choking... well rough play without the actual act of sex. Ironic, the first time I did a rape scene was with her. The only condition to it, was to not take it all the way to the actual act of having sex. It was about the thrill of power and the intense experience. Still it was an evolution.
Fast forward.. into the future a little. I find myself exploring things such as Micromanagement. This is what happens when you hook up with somebody who enjoys, wants and desires it. It's not such a bad bad bad thing. It can be a wonderful thing. In fact, I love it for training purposes. Besides the fact. I've seen people being ate alive in the past on here, for expressing a desire or their love of this activitity. I'll generally chime in on such threads with my own thoughts based upon my Own Evolution. My experiences with many activities like this, were very natural. Not something forced, nor were like pulling teeth.
Most of the things I have done were a natural evolution, did not happen overnight. Took trust and time and communication between me and my partners. Just taking things at a natural pace. When the time was right to try, do and explore.
I love to demonstrate on myself just how safe a knife running up and down my arm or over my body actually is. I do things like this front of somebody, for a number of reasons. To help them realize it's not as dangerous as they think. To help them past the socialized conditioning of fear. To be holding hands with somebody, and running the knife over my arm..upwards and over and down their arm. Then saying, see.. it's not so bad, is it? How does it feel? Asking a simple question. Trying it with different temperatures on the blade. Next thing you know, I have a totally willing and trusting victim that is allowing me to run the knife anywhere and everywhere all over their body. Still this is just the start. There's skin etching and pricking even. Again, I'm always more then happy to demo it out on myself, and slowing engage in things together. It all depends upon if my partener is experienced or not in this area.
What I'm expressing is that I'm tuned into my partner. To take them to new levels of evolution if they have not experienced something. Now, I'm not an expert at everything there is to do. However, I know what it takes to jump into doing things, in a sane and safe manner.
Now in regards to D/s relationship themselves. There's a similar evolution that occurs. I try to gauge things in my partner. Things such as previous experiences, attitude, willingness, passion and desire. I'll share with them my mindset, experiences and give them a really good idea in regards to what I'm all about. It takes time to build True Trust. Trust is a bit of an evolution itself.
Now, how to relationships start? With a simple Hi or Hello. When two people discover one another, begin the communcation process and begin to mentally relate or not with one another. The more you interact with one another, all are steps in the development of some form of relationship. Where the relationship goes remains to be seen. Could be a friendship, a fuck buddy relationship, could just be a flash in the pan, could lead to a full blown deep commitment.
In short, when two people make the effort and take an interest in one another, the foundation for a relationship is formed. This can happen with a very short period of time. Still there needs to be an Evolution process to go through. Like I said, it takes time to build trust. Takes time to get to know somebody. Communication is the cornerstone to this.
Now, some of my better relationships actually started off with Sex and BDSM play happening pretty quickly into things. Still, just because you are having Sex and playing together. Does not mean a relationship has Evoled to the point of being a Secure Long term relationship. Just because you are in a new relationship does not mean it won't crash and burn. Regardless of Sex and play or words spoken.
There are time when you might click really well with somebody mentally, then when you finally do fuck each other or play together, it might be lame as hell. Might be something you live to dread afterwards. Then the shattering reality of fantasies and all that. Then again, it might be and feel like the best thing you ever had.
The Evolution is a bit two sided. Both people have to grow together and have some sense of trust and security. There are growing pains. Unexpected Speed Bumps and Challenges along the way. After awhile, if things go great, the Honeymoon is over and you start to feel comfortable with each other. Like a pair of broken in well worn jeans or shoes.
Ironic as this might sound, one of the most important qualities I look for in a partner is "Creativitity". Because this qualitity helps keeps things interesting after the Honeymoon period is said and done and over with. It helps keep the evolution of things going on strong. This is however my own opinion or thoughts on the matter.
Seems like a lot of people fall into a rut after the honey moon is over, then they get the itch for something or somebody new and excieting. Next thing you know, somebody is cheating or looking for somebody else to get their excietment fix from. Basically, they are feeling in a rut and trapped in a go nowhere, dead end relationship.
I've seen a number of posts by Masters releasing slaves/sub because their partner wanted to do more extreme things, or that they had outgrown one another. Still, there are the emotional and mental aspects of things. All depends upon the people involved. Still there a form of evolution that occurs. A personal growth. Many people learn to overcome fears and crazy social conditioning. It gives them a new sense of freedom. Freedom from fear. It's a mental release. Also, you learn to experience the Freedom to be who and what you really are. Dom, Master, slave, sub, switch or whatever label you slap on yourself. You get to release a part of yourself that you keep buried around so-called Vanilla people.
An Evolution... Some people overlook the fact that it takes time for this to occur. Does not matter, if you have sex and play right away or not. Does not matter if you collar right away or not. TIME and Experiencing things together is the only way a relationship is going to Evol into something solid and strong. Just because two people make a commitment to one another even. Many people make a commitment to get Married, Collared, or swear with their whole heart that they are in it for the long run. However, the reality of where things actually go is another thing. There's a natural path of evolution that occurs and regardless of how hard to try to circumvent it with words and actions.
Well this was a long assed OP... don't know how well this is going to go over. Would love to hear what other peoples thoughts and perspectives are on this.
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