RE: detached

RE: detached (Full Version)

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Maxwell67 -> RE: detached (8/5/2008 9:59:59 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lally3 so you get the fog too - i know its there for a reason, but im damned if i know what that reason is.. hugs xx If you want a label for it, what you describe sounds like a simple lack of chemistry. The attraction has to be there and it has to be mutual or it just is not going to work. I suppose it is possible that as you get to know each other you might 'discover' chemistry you did not notice previously. It has happened for people I know, but not very often. Of course you feel detached. You need some way to protect yourself. Far more often than not, when the chemistry is there the compatability is not, and that is not discovered til someone is hurt. It has been my experience that the whole "seek and ye shall find" thing does not work so well where loving relationships are concerned. Most people I know found what they needed only after they gave up on the search and decided to simply be for a while. When it does happen, you will simply know it. There won't be any doubts or any fear, it will just work. That does not mean it will be easy from that point on, but it does mean it will be worth the effort you have to put into it.

badlilthang -> RE: detached (8/6/2008 3:25:36 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: badlilthang quote: ORIGINAL: Owner4SexSlave Just hang in there, sooner or later you will meet somebody who will trip your trigger fully and completely, Hell it might even sneak up on you when you least expect it. Just like i felt a few months ago. i got the weirdest mails - varied from men wanting me to be chained in the basement and fed once a week to me working 12-15 hours a day, keep the house in ship shape state, sign all my belongings/money/fortune over to him - and oh...yes..serve all his friends..nods nods..i was ready to say fck it - and delete my profile - but still - it was a few diamonds in between all the pieces of coal, though - that kept me believe that there had to be good people around also...and it was. Just a few lines from a very nice man - saying that good, trustworthy dominants existed out there - and He was right. i still can not believe my luck - He became my Master. s. i was not even looking at the time - just reading the boards - checking mails and exchanged words with the few i liked to talk to. So yes...feeling detached is not at all strange - a lot of frogs out there - and hard to find the prince with so many silvertongued devils out there...s... edited* - out of the blue i was released today...safe to say i am lost - but nothing i can do.

lally3 -> RE: detached (8/6/2008 4:22:25 AM)
[edited - out of the blue i was released today...safe to say i am lost - but nothing i can do. [/quote] this seems to be a theme! - sigh)) - and hugs to you hun. i can accept that it takes time sometimes to be sure that the person youre with fits. and i can accept that after the initial excitement of meeting there is a period of 'whoohoo' this is it. i can also accept that after the initial get together the reality of travel, time, emotional input and personal output takes its toll. but hang on a frigging minute here!!!!! we are all adults, we havent just dropped out of an alien space ship, we all know the score here and we all know what having a relationship means, dont we...?? i have news for all you wannabe doms who think they want the fun of a subbie woman but find the effort all too much. when a sub submits theres more behind it than just making herself available to you. YOU might be here for the kink, but for many female subs here the kink is an aside to the submission she feels. you slap a collar on her and it actually means a whole hell of a lot. i actually dont think some of you guys know what the hell youre doing, i actually think you have no idea what a sub is, what a collar means, what submission means. take some freaking responsibility for your actions your promises and your words. you know we all talk about abuse. and this is abuse. its emotional and psychological abuse - it harms, it hurts and its wrong. when a sub starts to TRUST - big grown up word here guys, pay attention - it means that she has listened to your words, believes them and is putting herself in your hands, not just physically but emotionally, psychologically - that belonging to someone is a need thats almost childlike, its so trusting and giving and open because she has been led to believe that she can let go and allow all her instincts to flow. she believes she has found a safe place to put herself and that she has been accepted and taken because she is beautiful in your eyes, she is that wonderful creature that will give you everything - she wants to give you everything. ... and then you decide its all too much effort....so you exercise your right as DOM MAN to just pull out the plug and move on. or maybe you think you can handle being dom man and then realise you cant. or maybe you think youve found somewhere that gives men back the right to screw women around. or maybe you hate women and this is your way of getting back at them. or maybe youre just a cunt. whatever you are stop 'trying out' on other peoples time, energy and emotions. if you want kink then go to alt or bondage and find yourself a woman into kink but who doesnt want the D/s, theres plenty around. leave the D/s chicks alone. ps: feel free to flame - i honestly and truly couldnt give a monkeys

badlilthang -> RE: detached (8/6/2008 4:49:52 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lally3 [edited - out of the blue i was released today...safe to say i am lost - but nothing i can do. this seems to be a theme! - sigh)) - and hugs to you hun. you know we all talk about abuse. and this is abuse. its emotional and psychological abuse - it harms, it hurts and its wrong. when a sub starts to TRUST - big grown up word here guys, pay attention - it means that she has listened to your words, believes them and is putting herself in your hands, not just physically but emotionally, psychologically - that belonging to someone is a need thats almost childlike, its so trusting and giving and open because she has been led to believe that she can let go and allow all her instincts to flow. she believes she has found a safe place to put herself and that she has been accepted and taken because she is beautiful in your eyes, she is that wonderful creature that will give you everything - she wants to give you everything. ps: feel free to flame - i honestly and truly couldnt give a monkeys you are right about feeling like this is abuse. But now i know His reasoning, He did tell me why in His last post on Oour pages, and i DO understand - but waiting this long to tell me - knowing i trusted more and more day by day - and got more and more a part of Him - is not right - for whatever reason. While He pondered and thought about what to do - and prepared Himself for this - He left me completely in the dark...and that is absolutely not right. Well, i am released, and i know for a fact i will not pursue this again. Day by day He brought me deeper into my slavery - and i was feeling complete. Did my task every day - wrote in the journal also - every single day - in short...did what He asked, and with joy! He was perfect - so in a sense He was my First and Last Master. Not fair to anyone to try finding Another - when i know i can not put in 100% ever again. i wish Him nothing but the best, though - He taught me a lot about myself and i will always carry that with me. Ufortunately i will also carry with me a sharp pain of loss...and also a broken trust...and a quiet wonder of why He could not have told me when the thoughts started in His mind - then i would have had a chance to prepare myself for what may come...Now i have to change my life around. No more tasks - no talks - no journal or mails...i have to change from slavemode to just being a woman - i wonder if they understand how hard that is...suddenly to lose ones bearings..smiles...

Missokyst -> RE: detached (8/6/2008 4:50:06 AM)
This is honestly the reason I have only been in love twice in my life. I never allow anyone that sort of power over me until I feel that they have as much at stake as I do. People want that immediate connection, without considering that it is sometimes the rush of conquest which is the real game. You know.. yesterday I put up some joke limits in my profile because so many doms I meet have this urge to push limits without regard to what that means. So I put up some silly ones, dont make me sign on to your property, ect.. but after thinking about it I do have limits firmly in place. Collars. Engagements. Permanance. Marriage. Love. Dont say it until you mean it. Too many people offer the premise to get between your legs. It used to be, :but I love you baby.. now its ; Take my collar. Same game. same results. The thing is though, that we have to learn to slow our own pace down too. You cant shut down. You just have to be careful in whose hands you place your heart. My body.. eh. thats not my priority. My heart is. Sorry to hear of your parting, badlilthing... Kyst

badlilthang -> RE: detached (8/6/2008 5:12:25 AM)
But you see...the last relationship lasted 7 years...i am always careful about who i give my heart to, because i know it is a loving one - but also one that will break. We did not rush anything - we talked every day about everything - slowly taking the steps to become Master and slave. He had a change of heart - and i have to respect His decision - no matter how lost i am right now. He did what was best for Him, and that is how it is. A break up always hurt one part more than the other..this time i am not sure He hurts any less than i do....He is a wonderful man - and i wish Him nothing but good in His life...unfortunately - i will not be a part of it... Thanks for your words, though..s.

SoulPiercer -> RE: detached (8/6/2008 5:16:42 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lally3 im sure its a natural process - but im feeling semi-detached from this 'seeking' malarky and i was wondering if anyone else gets like it. i met a terrific guy on sunday who wants to take things further, i am chatting to some really great people - but i cant get that 'connection' feeling going - worse than that, i just feel switched off. i suppose i need to know that these periods of hiatus occur to other people and how you deal with it. thanks. x It's perfectly normal to feel this way. I'm one of those people who needs that "connection". I don't connect with someone just because we have the same kinks or because we live within a few minutes from each other. I've come to realize from previous relationships, that when I have tried to force the connection, it ends badly. Now I know my little voice was trying to keep me from doing something that wasn't good for me. Taking a break can actually be good for you.

DavidS8ist -> RE: detached (8/6/2008 5:22:26 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lally3 this seems to be a theme! - sigh)) - and hugs to you hun. i can accept that it takes time sometimes to be sure that the person youre with fits. and i can accept that after the initial excitement of meeting there is a period of 'whoohoo' this is it. i can also accept that after the initial get together the reality of travel, time, emotional input and personal output takes its toll. but hang on a frigging minute here!!!!! <snip> i have news for all you wannabe doms who think they want the fun of a subbie woman but find the effort all too much. when a sub submits theres more behind it than just making herself available to you. <snip>you slap a collar on her and it actually means a whole hell of a lot. i actually dont think some of you guys know what the hell youre doing, i actually think you have no idea what a sub is, what a collar means, what submission means. take some freaking responsibility for your actions your promises and your words. you know we all talk about abuse. and this is abuse. its emotional and psychological abuse - it harms, it hurts and its wrong. <snip, but remember the "trust" thread, it's important> ... and then you decide its all too much effort....so you exercise your right as DOM MAN to just pull out the plug and move on. or maybe you think you can handle being dom man and then realise you cant. or maybe you think youve found somewhere that gives men back the right to screw women around. or maybe you hate women and this is your way of getting back at them. or maybe youre just a cunt. whatever you are stop 'trying out' on other peoples time, energy and emotions. if you want kink then go to alt or bondage and find yourself a woman into kink but who doesnt want the D/s, theres plenty around. leave the D/s chicks alone. ps: feel free to flame - i honestly and truly couldnt give a monkeys No flame. A lot of truth there and a lot of emotion. But to be fair, the same can be said from the other side of the whip. "Master, may I have your collar" on Saturday and "Waddaya mean, you want me to clean the frakin' bathroom???!!!" on Monday, a lot of "I'll enslave you with my slavery," a lot of "I'm all about service" as long as it's how they want to serve what they want to serve when they want to serve it. And it's not always bad people, evil abusive doms or SorrySobbingPsychoSubs. It's not always a violation of trust or even a lack of understanding that trust was given. I'm willing to bet that most of the time it's folks expecting it to come too damned easy. It takes work to get to know the person behind the screen name, the real person. It takes time to cast aside the "I'm a 'dom' looking for a 'sub'" and find out who the hell the person really is. Damn, I've seen collars slapped on in a matter of days and I'm here to say that both people are at fault when the feces hits the fan. {do rant} I've preached elsewhere that the most successful dynamics result from two (or more) people meeting - and here's the kicker, boys and girls - AS EQUALS. There is no presumed submission, no affected dominance, it's Joe and Carol (or Bob and Joe or Marcia and Cynthia) with NO disparate authority manifested. Ask questions. Grill 'em. Check them out. Go to movies, go to museums, compare books, explore restaurants. You're not beginning a relationship with "a dominant" or "a submissive". You're beginning a dynamic with a person, one who may or may not be the type of dominant personality for you, one who may not have the same concept of submission that I require. Trust me on this: If it's going to happen, at some point one person will not be able to not yield to the authority of the other. But. If you rely on on-line protocols, if you begin interactions with "yes sir" and "kneel bitch" in IM's, if the presumption of disparate authority comes before you've questioned whether or not you're at a place of ethical commonality, it's almost certainly doomed to failure before it begins. And the best way I know of to assess ethical commonality is as equals. {end rant} As to the original subject of the thread: We all go through periods where nothing seems right, where it's just too damned hard to do the work. And things seem to happen in waves: waves of "I can't believe I'm getting all this nookie" and waves of "I just can't be bothered to talk to this jerk." Yours seems to be a wave of "I just can't get the chemistry right." And that's ok. It'll happen when it happens. The last thing I expected or was seeking when I met Gem was to wind up with a slave. Hell, I had just been separated and was doing more nailing than Mike Holmes. And then, out of the blue, we meet for drinks, her in dominant dyke mode, me in "Who am I gonna screw tomorrow?" mode and Wham!, it happened. So ride the wave It's trial and error. Give time time. D. "Fairy tales do not tell children the dragons exist. Children already know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children the dragons can be killed." -G. K. Chesterton

lally3 -> RE: detached (8/6/2008 5:35:41 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Missokyst This is honestly the reason I have only been in love twice in my life. I never allow anyone that sort of power over me until I feel that they have as much at stake as I do. People want that immediate connection, without considering that it is sometimes the rush of conquest which is the real game. You know.. yesterday I put up some joke limits in my profile because so many doms I meet have this urge to push limits without regard to what that means. So I put up some silly ones, dont make me sign on to your property, ect.. but after thinking about it I do have limits firmly in place. Collars. Engagements. Permanance. Marriage. Love. Dont say it until you mean it. Too many people offer the premise to get between your legs. It used to be, :but I love you baby.. now its ; Take my collar. Same game. same results. The thing is though, that we have to learn to slow our own pace down too. You cant shut down. You just have to be careful in whose hands you place your heart. My body.. eh. thats not my priority. My heart is. Sorry to hear of your parting, badlilthing... Kyst this is absolutely and totally bang on, and its taken me a ridiculous amount of time to work it out. for some stupid and naive reason i truly thought that those guys who professed to being D/s actually were - why would they lie? - afterall, if occasional kink is all they want theres plenty out there for them. what would be the purpose in posing as something when they dont have to - and i still dont really know the answer to that one. other than they like the idea of control but dont realise the responsiblities involved. badlilthing, hun, this is partly what this thread is about, the fog, the detachment, the holding back, cos ive been hurt and in a very very similar way to you and only quite recently. im realising that i can do this again, but im way wiser and im way more careful. how youre feeling today is totally crap - and im there with you on it, i really am, but dont close the door quite yet, keep it ajar and hang in here with us, ok?

badlilthang -> RE: detached (8/6/2008 5:55:14 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lally3 quote: ORIGINAL: Missokyst This is honestly the reason I have only been in love twice in my life. I never allow anyone that sort of power over me until I feel that they have as much at stake as I do. People want that immediate connection, without considering that it is sometimes the rush of conquest which is the real game. You know.. yesterday I put up some joke limits in my profile because so many doms I meet have this urge to push limits without regard to what that means. So I put up some silly ones, dont make me sign on to your property, ect.. but after thinking about it I do have limits firmly in place. Collars. Engagements. Permanance. Marriage. Love. Dont say it until you mean it. Too many people offer the premise to get between your legs. It used to be, :but I love you baby.. now its ; Take my collar. Same game. same results. The thing is though, that we have to learn to slow our own pace down too. You cant shut down. You just have to be careful in whose hands you place your heart. My body.. eh. thats not my priority. My heart is. Sorry to hear of your parting, badlilthing... Kyst this is absolutely and totally bang on, and its taken me a ridiculous amount of time to work it out. for some stupid and naive reason i truly thought that those guys who professed to being D/s actually were - why would they lie? - afterall, if occasional kink is all they want theres plenty out there for them. what would be the purpose in posing as something when they dont have to - and i still dont really know the answer to that one. other than they like the idea of control but dont realise the responsiblities involved. badlilthing, hun, this is partly what this thread is about, the fog, the detachment, the holding back, cos ive been hurt and in a very very similar way to you and only quite recently. im realising that i can do this again, but im way wiser and im way more careful. how youre feeling today is totally crap - and im there with you on it, i really am, but dont close the door quite yet, keep it ajar and hang in here with us, ok? i met Him when i was not even looking. Had bee on my own for a long time, but somehow He snuck in and found my soft spots. Last time i lost my One - i handled it much better, simply because He was not the right One. We still talk as friends. Yes, it lasted for 7 years and was very very good - but after meeting my (swallows)..ex - i knew what it meant to belong to a Dominant that was indeed true to His words and followed up with actions. He was all i dreamed of and then some, so i can not see how or why i should even try once again. i am not even allowed to contact Him and talk about this, either..which truly threw me. It is so very different for Him to act like this. Now i am empty and hollow inside - and my heart is wrapped in ice. i will still be my happy, outgoing and sassy self on the surface, i am very good at hiding how i feel inside - and i will still care for the people i love, i just do not want to submit again - only to be left in the dirt. i am strong - but not that strong. i know my limits - and i have reached mine...s... do not worry about me - i am a tough cookie...winks...

lally3 -> RE: detached (8/6/2008 6:30:25 AM)
{do rant} I've preached elsewhere that the most successful dynamics result from two (or more) people meeting - and here's the kicker, boys and girls - AS EQUALS. There is no presumed submission, no affected dominance, it's Joe and Carol (or Bob and Joe or Marcia and Cynthia) with NO disparate authority manifested. Ask questions. Grill 'em. Check them out. Go to movies, go to museums, compare books, explore restaurants. You're not beginning a relationship with "a dominant" or "a submissive". You're beginning a dynamic with a person, one who may or may not be the type of dominant personality for you, one who may not have the same concept of submission that I require. Trust me on this: If it's going to happen, at some point one person will not be able to not yield to the authority of the other. But. If you rely on on-line protocols, if you begin interactions with "yes sir" and "kneel bitch" in IM's, if the presumption of disparate authority comes before you've questioned whether or not you're at a place of ethical commonality, it's almost certainly doomed to failure before it begins. And the best way I know of to assess ethical commonality is as equals. {end rant} hey there DavidS8ist - i agree with everything you say above. ive preached the same thing. this is no different to any other relationship when youre getting to know a person - it really should be about spending time with each other first and allowing the dynamic to fold in naturally. .. but i came to this conclusion after i tipped head over heels with someone who snuck past my BS radar. i think my rant above is about people who must read around all of this, enough to know at least how to project themselves and to appear knowledgeable enough to pass 'go'. but as you say, really havent taken into account the ratio of fun v effort involved, particularly if you are living some distance apart. and there are those, both sides of the coin where it is totally on their terms which instantly throws the 'relationship' card straight out of the window before youve even started - except you dont know that of course. in the end its down to me to hold back, to be detached and live in a fog thatll clear in its own good time -, its what my instincts are telling me to do - clever instincts, i should listen to them more often.. .

badlilthang -> RE: detached (8/6/2008 6:32:00 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: badlilthang quote: ORIGINAL: Owner4SexSlave Just hang in there, sooner or later you will meet somebody who will trip your trigger fully and completely, Hell it might even sneak up on you when you least expect it. Just like i felt a few months ago. i got the weirdest mails - varied from men wanting me to be chained in the basement and fed once a week to me working 12-15 hours a day, keep the house in ship shape state, sign all my belongings/money/fortune over to him - and oh...yes..serve all his friends..nods nods..i was ready to say fck it - and delete my profile - but still - it was a few diamonds in between all the pieces of coal, though - that kept me believe that there had to be good people around also...and it was. Just a few lines from a very nice man - saying that good, trustworthy dominants existed out there - and He was right. i still can not believe my luck - He became my Master. s*. i was not even looking at the time - just reading the boards - checking mails and exchanged words with the few i liked to talk to. So yes...feeling detached is not at all strange - a lot of frogs out there - and hard to find the prince with so many silvertongued devils out there...s... edited - released today....

badlilthang -> RE: detached (8/6/2008 8:06:15 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: badlilthang quote: ORIGINAL: Owner4SexSlave Just hang in there, sooner or later you will meet somebody who will trip your trigger fully and completely, Hell it might even sneak up on you when you least expect it. Just like i felt a few months ago. i got the weirdest mails - varied from men wanting me to be chained in the basement and fed once a week to me working 12-15 hours a day, keep the house in ship shape state, sign all my belongings/money/fortune over to him - and oh...yes..serve all his friends..nods nods..i was ready to say fck it - and delete my profile - but still - it was a few diamonds in between all the pieces of coal, though - that kept me believe that there had to be good people around also...and it was. Just a few lines from a very nice man - saying that good, trustworthy dominants existed out there - and He was right. i still can not believe my luck - He became my Master. s*. i was not even looking at the time - just reading the boards - checking mails and exchanged words with the few i liked to talk to. So yes...feeling detached is not at all strange - a lot of frogs out there - and hard to find the prince with so many silvertongued devils out there...s... edited: on the other hand - chuckles - i was released suddenly today, and all contact made impossible...must have been just another frog...winks and tries to make a joke about it.

Missokyst -> RE: detached (8/6/2008 9:45:56 AM)
Then I really can relate. Mine was at 7 yrs too. I tend to wonder if that 7 yr itch thing has more to do with complacency and no more surprises. Perhaps people need constant challenge to keep their interest. I know that intellectually, I am that way. I have a few degrees in various areas, not because I intended to use any, or find that profession. But because I NEED to keep on learning. I need the challenge of knowing some thing else. Maybe relationships and people are just like that. Look at how long people have talked about the mona lisa. Why? It was the mysterious smile. It is very sad to think that people do not have the desire to bring up that lethargy in a relationship and find some new things together. Unfortunately, most people live in unsatisfying lives as if only they are effected. It stinks. I hope you recover soon. Kyst quote: ORIGINAL: badlilthang But you see...the last relationship lasted 7 years...i am always careful about who i give my heart to, because i know it is a loving one - but also one that will break

badlilthang -> RE: detached (8/6/2008 9:53:03 AM)
hi there it stinks...but what is done is done. He has cut off all contact for whatever reason - i can only chalk it up to experience - and simply move on - being me - minus the D/s side.... My life is not falling apart because of this - it is just time to put on the brakes when it comes to my slave side...simply let her stay dorment and hidden...s...i have many other good sides...s..

warmhearted4u -> RE: detached (8/6/2008 10:07:34 AM)
your post should be required reading by every so called sub/slave

badlilthang -> RE: detached (8/6/2008 10:38:18 AM)
Thank You kindly...~s~...

cmatrix4761 -> RE: detached (8/7/2008 7:01:49 PM)
Have you considered the possibility that the answer you're searching for stems from a lack of the correct question? It sounds to me like you're looking for something, but you don't know what it is that you're looking for.

Maxwell67 -> RE: detached (8/7/2008 8:01:19 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: cmatrix4761 Have you considered the possibility that the answer you're searching for stems from a lack of the correct question? It sounds to me like you're looking for something, but you don't know what it is that you're looking for. I think pretty much everyone is looking for the same thing. Happiness.

cmatrix4761 -> RE: detached (8/7/2008 8:15:20 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Maxwell67 I think pretty much everyone is looking for the same thing. Happiness. Saying you're looking for happiness is like saying you're looking to buy a car -- everyone is looking for something different and they all have different reasons for needing one. If you don't know why you're looking for it, you'll never be satisfied with your decision.

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