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He doesn't call... - 8/4/2008 10:19:03 PM   
elleelisa


Posts: 29
Joined: 8/1/2008
Status: offline 		What does it "mean" when: you drove 125 miles total to meet a guy for a first date, ended up having sex and then he waited a week to call (I am a sub and he's a Dom btw).  This happened to me a few months ago with this Dom, and I found it totally unacceptable and consequently stopped talking with him (another man entered my life too on Day 3 of him not calling). 

Now this man and I are talking on the phone again and I'm recalling some of the "red-flags" and wondering whether I should analyze them further before jumping back in, or give it another shot? 

Also, at what point does a sub usually start obeying a Dom?  I'm wondering because already he's giving me subtle commands and I'm not entirely sure if I'm okay with it...  One "guideline" he gave me was that  I cannot date while getting to know him... that sounds pretty "exclusive" and a little over-the-top since I've made no committment to him or anyone at this point.

It's a VERY confusing situation for me though; being submissive in nature I want to please and yet I feel like I need to uphold my personal values, safety and desires as well...  I want to get to know him first and be comfortable before getting into the sex-talk/ BDSM stuff, but we already got into it after 10 min. on the telephone.

Advice from the panel? 


Profile   Post #: 1
RE: He doesn't call... - 8/4/2008 10:27:20 PM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: elleelisa

What does it "mean" when: you drove 125 miles total to meet a guy for a first date, ended up having sex and then he waited a week to call (I am a sub and he's a Dom btw). 


1.  He just isn't that into you.
2.  His timeline of contacting women after the first boink session is one week.
3.  You're not that high on his priority list.
4.  His wife was home.
5.  You said "sex", not "play" or "scene", so if you meant play as well, it means you didn't indicate the level of contact you needed afterwards.
6.  None of the above.
7.  All of the above.

quote:


Also, at what point does a sub usually start obeying a Dom?  I'm wondering because already he's giving me subtle commands and I'm not entirely sure if I'm okay with it...  One "guideline" he gave me was that  I cannot date while getting to know him... that sounds pretty "exclusive" and a little over-the-top since I've made no committment to him or anyone at this point.


You start obeying when you're ready to start obeying.  With me, when I'm getting to know someone, it has never been a conscious decision to obey, it just feels right.  Since it obviously doesn't feel right to you, then you would probably want to tell him that you don't agree with his directive as you're not exclusive at this time.  He can accept it, or he can stop getting to know you.

quote:


I want to get to know him first and be comfortable before getting into the sex-talk/ BDSM stuff, but we already got into it after 10 min. on the telephone.


Talking about sex before you're ready to, which obviously was not 10 minutes into a convo, could be a red flag if you told him you weren't ready to discuss that. 

Cali


_____________________________

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(in reply to elleelisa)
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RE: He doesn't call... - 8/4/2008 10:29:55 PM   
MsSaskia


Posts: 415
Joined: 9/9/2004
From: Denver
Status: offline 		Pay attention to red flags.  Trust your gut.   Details don't matter:  if something doesn't feel right, it's not right. 

(in reply to elleelisa)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: He doesn't call... - 8/4/2008 10:36:20 PM   
msprudence


Posts: 112
Joined: 7/3/2008
Status: offline 		If he doesn't want you, he doesn't get to tell you not to see other people.

DTMFA.  (Dump the MF already... It's a Savage Love thing.)

Being submissive does not mean that your backbone was surgically removed.

(in reply to elleelisa)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: He doesn't call... - 8/4/2008 10:37:27 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: elleelisa
What does it "mean" when: you drove 125 miles total to meet a guy for a first date, ended up having sex and then he waited a week to call (I am a sub and he's a Dom btw).  This happened to me a few months ago with this Dom, and I found it totally unacceptable and consequently stopped talking with him (another man entered my life too on Day 3 of him not calling). 

Now this man and I are talking on the phone again and I'm recalling some of the "red-flags" and wondering whether I should analyze them further before jumping back in, or give it another shot? 

Sheez, one week isn't very long.  Do you have any idea what was going on in his life during that one week?  Was he out of town on business?  Perhaps a death in the family?  If there was nothing like that would reasonably be keeping his attention elsewhere, then you already know what it means.

quote:

ORIGINAL: elleelisa
Also, at what point does a sub usually start obeying a Dom?  I'm wondering because already he's giving me subtle commands and I'm not entirely sure if I'm okay with it...

There is an exact moment when you, the sub, should start obeying him, the dom.  That moment is when you choose to submit to him at least in part.  Submission is not an all or nothing deal and, in my opinion, if you have the intention of building a long-term relationship, then a gradual, step-by-step submission process has a lot of merit.  A dom who pushes a sub faster than she is ready to go is, in my mind, already demonstrating he lacks the skills required to dom that sub.

Of course, from what you've written, he is simply making suggestions.  If you choose to interpret them as commands, you can't fault him for that.  Vanilla people make requests of each other also and they don't call it "obedience" simply because the request was honored.

quote:

ORIGINAL: elleelisa
One "guideline" he gave me was that  I cannot date while getting to know him... that sounds pretty "exclusive" and a little over-the-top since I've made no committment to him or anyone at this point.

Hold on *thumbs through is copy of The Ultimate Submissives Guide*.. yup, right here... the perfect submissive response to that one...  I'm sorry, but that sounds a bit over-the-top since I've made no commitment to you or anyone else at this point.  I frequently wonder why people seem to communicate so well on these boards, yet they the exact same communications are difficult in real life.

quote:

ORIGINAL: elleelisa
It's a VERY confusing situation for me though; being submissive in nature I want to please and yet I feel like I need to uphold my personal values, safety and desires as well...  I want to get to know him first and be comfortable before getting into the sex-talk/ BDSM stuff, but we already got into it after 10 min. on the telephone.

Upholding personal values = good.  And, while we're at it.  Let's consider what it means to say a dom is not interested in YOUR personal values.  Really, you'd have to ask at that point if he's interested in you.  Out of curiosity, how'd you let the phone conversation go so quickly to sex if that was against your personal values.  I should think a simple statement like "I'm sorry, but I'd be more comfortable if we got to know each other better before we discussed the intimate details of my sex life" should work.  A point to ponder though.  I think that the longer you explore BDSM, the more comfortable you get discussing your sex life since it's really hard to explore the wide wooly world of sex and relationships if you're unwilling to talk about them.

Communication, it's not just a good idea, it's the relationship law  

(in reply to elleelisa)
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RE: He doesn't call... - 8/5/2008 12:10:43 AM   
corsetgirl


Posts: 824
Joined: 5/22/2004
Status: offline 		Yep, sounds like a "dumpdom" to me!  Cut your losses, delete, block and ignore him.  I no longer drive at a distance to meet a dom for "play" only to find out this was just sex!

There are also some doms who will tell a sub anything they want to hear especially when he mentioned about having an exclusive relationship.  If a dom does not bother to communicate with me, then I would be thankful this happened early than to invest my time with someone who is not available for me and be miserable.  I think he also forfeited your being exclusive to him when he is not even communicating to you, which does not seem honorable.

I also ask a lot of questions and if something does not seem right, then I just move on to someone who will be worth my time to submit in the future.  Just don't become bitter and hostile because I believe there are some good people out there and a dom who will cherish you as his sub.  Just one of life's lessons of the "Hard Knocks of BDSM."  In the meantime, work on yourself, see if you can get out and meet others at a local community munch.  I wish you well.

< Message edited by corsetgirl -- 8/5/2008 12:23:09 AM >

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RE: He doesn't call... - 8/5/2008 12:54:32 AM   
E2Sweet


Posts: 649
Joined: 7/8/2008
From: TopLeftCornerOf, OH, USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: elleelisa

What does it "mean" when: you drove 125 miles total to meet a guy for a first date, ended up having sex and then he waited a week to call (I am a sub and he's a Dom btw). 


Perhaps it would be wise to ask him.

quote:

...This happened to me a few months ago with this Dom, and I found it totally unacceptable and consequently stopped talking with him... 


It might be a good idea to let him know that.


quote:

Now this man and I are talking on the phone again and I'm recalling some of the "red-flags" and wondering whether I should analyze them further before jumping back in, or give it another shot?


Only you can answer that. It's your life, your decision to make, and your responsibility to make it. I will say analysis is usually a good thing. Making a specific mistake once is only human, making the same mistake over and over is just foolish.

quote:

...Also, at what point does a sub usually start obeying a Dom?...


CalifChick's answer seems wise.

quote:

...already he's giving me subtle commands and I'm not entirely sure if I'm okay with it...


You may want to share that with him to see if he'll delay that sort of thing until you're more comfortable with it.

quote:

One "guideline" he gave me was that  I cannot date while getting to know him... that sounds pretty "exclusive" and a little over-the-top since I've made no committment to him or anyone at this point.


Again, you might want to share your concerns with him. The decision to go along or not go along with that is one you'll ultimately have to make, unless you are able to re-negotiate that with him.

quote:

It's a VERY confusing situation for me though; being submissive in nature I want to please and yet I feel like I need to uphold my personal values, safety and desires as well...  I want to get to know him first and be comfortable before getting into the sex-talk/ BDSM stuff, but we already got into it after 10 min. on the telephone.


You may want to share those wants with him as well.

quote:

Advice from the panel?


My opinion: You seem to have some decisions to make. I'd say take a deep breath and begin to sort it out one bit at a time. Trying to figure out if this guy is the real deal or if he's a player seems to be a good starting point. Perhaps ask him some very direct questions about his lifestyle, his background, his experience, his marital status, yada, yada, yada... and not only hear what he has to say, but evaluate his body language. Look and listen for clues that he perhaps is hiding something "big" from you. You're probably not going to trip him up if you're not willing to ask the really hard questions. Repeat a question or two later to see if his answers are the same.

Then, decide if the rules (as such) he seems to have begun to lay out are going to work for you. Communicate with him and see what is in fact negotiable and what is not. Find out what specifically he expects from you and be sure he is aware of your wants and needs.

Take some time to get comfortable with him, the rules, and the structure he's attempting to create. Keep him informed on what you're feeling and thinking. He should be paying pretty close attention. If he's an honorable man, he'll at the very least try to undersand your words and seek clarification when he does not (his focus here should really not be on helping himself into your pants). If he's constantly coming off as distant or overly impatient, then I'm guessing he's probably thinking about screwing you and then waiting a week to call so he can do a rince and repeat...

Again, this is just my opinion.



< Message edited by E2Sweet -- 8/5/2008 12:56:08 AM >

_____________________________

E2Sweet™
"If it doesn't make you smile then chances are you're not doing it right."

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RE: He doesn't call... - 8/5/2008 5:20:01 AM   
TysGalilah


Posts: 589
Joined: 11/21/2007
Status: offline 		what seems reasonable to me:
 
  I would explain what "that week of lack of communication" did to my level of trust in him.  Express that I want to see where this will all lead, it is early tho' and I would like to take baby steps and its important that trust be reestablished before my submission to him will happen.
 
ball = his court
 
his reactions to this will be my barometer to how serious he is about everything...including wanting my submission.
 
 


_____________________________

galilah

.."There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. " Edith Wharton

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RE: He doesn't call... - 8/5/2008 5:25:35 AM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline 		He's trying to keep you on the hook as he waits to see of something better comes along. 

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RE: He doesn't call... - 8/5/2008 5:50:40 AM   
DomMeinCT


Posts: 2355
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		If it's "totally unacceptable" to you, then why are you spending any time talking to him now?

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The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances:
if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
~ Carl Jung

(in reply to elleelisa)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: He doesn't call... - 8/5/2008 5:53:02 AM   
Owner4SexSlave


Posts: 1311
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline 		Wow, it's rather difficult to answer your question and be fully objective.  

First and foremost, did he ever give you an explaination for not calling you for a whole week?  The why behind what happened.   

Did you try contacting him during that time?  Where you proactive in trying to break the silence.  Communication is a two way street you know.

Some other guy came into the picture only 3 days into it not hearing from him?  That's an aweful short time, even more so without having closure or an explaination.

When do you start obeying a Dom?  That's something that just starts to happen of your own choice and free will, or as soon as you agree to be in a D/s relationship.  The very moment you comment yourself to a D/s relationship with a DOM does it become formal.   Up until that point it's informal and at your choice and free will.

There's nothing wrong with exclusive dating, because it simply keeps you focused on developing a relationship with somebody.   If it's not somebody you want to devote yourself to or are uncertain.  You can either agree to date exclusive for a little while to explore things more, basically where you get a firm YES/NO in your mind.  Kind of speeds up the process of elimination along the way.  You can also not agree to date him exclusively, however he might maintain his best behavior knowing there is some compitition or go bat shit crazy.  Hard to tell, that's your choice to do it or not.   If you sense red flags, get straight to the point with him about those red flags and get to the bottom of the matter.   You can always simply run like hell for your life over the red flags you are feeling and seeing.  That's your two choices when deal with red flags.

There's nothing wrong with getting to know somebody, with or without the sex talk involved.   You should be able to do it either way!   Just because you are having sex talk does not mean you are not still getting to know one another.

You don't have to please the whole world and everybody in it, you just need to find that ONE person who you want to please with every fiber of your being.

(in reply to elleelisa)
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RE: He doesn't call... - 8/5/2008 6:57:03 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		Hopefully it goes something like this.

You see a guy
Guy makes you wet
Guy makes you feel safe
You then start to want to submit to him
Guy shows he can make you wet AND safe over a period of time
Trust develops
You then show him/offer him the submission you have been feeling because he has proven worthy of your trust.

(in reply to Owner4SexSlave)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: He doesn't call... - 8/5/2008 6:59:22 AM   
Wildfleurs


Posts: 1650
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: elleelisa

What does it "mean" when: you drove 125 miles total to meet a guy for a first date, ended up having sex and then he waited a week to call (I am a sub and he's a Dom btw).  This happened to me a few months ago with this Dom, and I found it totally unacceptable and consequently stopped talking with him (another man entered my life too on Day 3 of him not calling). 


It means that he was interested in having sex and once he got the sex he was pretty much out there..... until he wants more sex, which is why he's talking to you again now.

But what you should be asking yourself is if his behavior was unacceptable for you then, why is it acceptable now?

C~


_____________________________

"Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid." -despair.com

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The heart of it all - http://www.wildfleurs.com
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RE: He doesn't call... - 8/5/2008 7:07:11 AM   
persephonee


Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
Status: offline 		If the milk is spoiled on Monday....dump it out...dont put it back and check for freshness on Wednesday. You will be disappointed.

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And You can carry me away....if You want to. ~Kasey Chambers

E*Whore, extraordinaire....

Nothing is exactly as it seems~Nor, is it otherwise.

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RE: He doesn't call... - 8/5/2008 7:26:41 AM   
thishereboi


Posts: 14463
Joined: 6/19/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: elleelisa

What does it "mean" when: you drove 125 miles total to meet a guy for a first date, ended up having sex and then he waited a week to call (I am a sub and he's a Dom btw).
That could mean many things. He could have been busy or he could have just wanted to get laid.


This happened to me a few months ago with this Dom, and I found it totally unacceptable and consequently stopped talking with him (another man entered my life too on Day 3 of him not calling). 
Well if you picked up someone online 3 days later, it doesn't sound like there was much of a commitment there anyway.

Now this man and I are talking on the phone again and I'm recalling some of the "red-flags" and wondering whether I should analyze them further before jumping back in, or give it another shot? 
You want to go get laid again, go for it. Just don't get upset if he doesn't call for a week after.

Also, at what point does a sub usually start obeying a Dom? 
When she decideds that is what she wants.
 
I'm wondering because already he's giving me subtle commands and I'm not entirely sure if I'm okay with it...  One "guideline" he gave me was that  I cannot date while getting to know him... that sounds pretty "exclusive" and a little over-the-top since I've made no committment to him or anyone at this point.
Then explain this to him.

It's a VERY confusing situation for me though; being submissive in nature I want to please and yet I feel like I need to uphold my personal values, safety and desires as well...  I want to get to know him first and be comfortable before getting into the sex-talk/ BDSM stuff, but we already got into it after 10 min. on the telephone.
Again, tell him this. Being a sub does not mean doing what ever someone tells you, just because they identify as a Dom.

Advice from the panel? 





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This here is the boi formerly known as orfunboi


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RE: He doesn't call... - 8/5/2008 7:48:22 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14449
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Wildfleurs


It means that he was interested in having sex and once he got the sex he was pretty much out there..... until he wants more sex, which is why he's talking to you again now.
There ya go!

Here's my view. If you behave like a one night stand, you run the risk of being treated like a one night stand.

Now, this isn't a prude..."You shouldn't have sex on the first date" view. It's a view that if you're going to play you should know and accept what the risks are. If you're okay with the risks, then go for it. But, when the risk pops out, don't go around crying about it.

You not only banged this guy on your first meet....you even made it so that he didn't have to drive 125 miles. At this point he's probably thinking that he can baged again by a submissive female and she'll even make it easy on him because he's a "dom".

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The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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Profile   Post #: 16
RE: He doesn't call... - 8/5/2008 8:43:00 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		What Osidegirl said.

In addition. You already know the answers to your questions, you are just hoping someone will say something different and convince you otherwise.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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Profile   Post #: 17
RE: He doesn't call... - 8/5/2008 8:50:06 AM   
Coupleofwhats


Posts: 280
Joined: 6/4/2008
Status: offline 		Ah... 20. I remember those days.

If you were expecting that you and this guy were going to have a romantic D/s relationship, you maybe started off on the least optimal foot.

1) Why are YOU driving 125 miles? I may not be a submissive... but I think being a woman trumps that status anyway: make a man drive to you if he wants to get laid. Or if he wants to get to know you for D/s play: you're not his property. Make him drive to you AND make it clear that you just did him a favor by allowing him to drive all that way for you. There's not a ring on your finger or a collar on your neck: he drives.

2) No play? You drive 125 miles and there's no play? Is he actually kinky? Or just one of those guys who'll pretend a little, so long as you're the one doing the kneeling?

It souds to me like this is not a person you'd want to be topped by anyway: he cant be bothered to call and make sure you got home from your long drive in one piece. I'd hate to find out what else he can't be bothered to check on.

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Profile   Post #: 18
RE: He doesn't call... - 8/5/2008 10:24:39 AM   
MistressSybella


Posts: 163
Joined: 9/14/2004
Status: offline
To me, it sounds like that you put more stock into the "relationship" than he did...probably because of sex. Sex to one means commitment; sex to another can just mean sex. That he didn't call in a week isn't not a bad thing (except that I agree with coupleofwhats, he should have called to make sure you got hom ok). However, if you have expectations and don't make them clear, he can't meet those expectations. Nor is it fair to hold it against him when he fails to live up to whatever is going on in your head. 

quote:

ORIGINAL: elleelisa

I want to get to know him first and be comfortable before getting into the sex-talk/ BDSM stuff, but we already got into it after 10 min. on the telephone.



I couldn't believe my eyes when I read that. If you want to get to know someone first before TALKING about sex, why did you screw him right away the first time around? It's ok to do it but it's not ok to talk about it?? Ay, yi yi!

Now that you are talking again, tell him that you were upset, and why. Then, talk about sex and your expectations. About the bit about when to obey, be yourself not who you think this stranger wants you to be. And don't ever, ever, EVER, have sex with someone (a stranger) again, just because you want to be pleasing.


_____________________________

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Profile   Post #: 19
RE: He doesn't call... - 8/5/2008 11:21:45 AM   
azropedntied


Posts: 1829
Joined: 7/25/2005
From: Phx AZ
Status: offline 		he got what he wanted and did not care about what you wanted , he is not what your seeking . chalk it up to lesson learned , next time  perhaps forget about the sex for a while unless you want to be a booty call . There is some great advise here , listen to the red flags waving and heed your gut instinct , if it says this is not right , your gut is  prob correct . 

(in reply to MistressSybella)
Profile   Post #: 20
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