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displaced anger - 8/3/2008 8:47:46 PM

Missokyst

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I was raised in a controlled family. I have 3 other siblings and we are all 4 yrs apart. I am the youngest. As a child I learned to be quiet and self contained from a very early age. This was mostly from fear of being imperfect in the eyes of my mother who was a control freak. Well.. she had the need to control, but she really didn't get that down until me. I can recall my siblings being hit nightly for being too noisy, or disobedient. My brother who is the third child was not just hit, he was beaten. If my sisters came home late, they were locked out of the house until morning.

My older sister got pregnant at 12. That was a huge deal for the time. She was quickly married. My second sister would sneak out of the house and come back in the early morning hours, and my brother was allowed to join the marines at 17 after running away on and off for a few years.
I was different. I sometimes think I was the last chance of making things right for her. I sat and drew or painted, or wrote stories, and pretty much stayed quiet. Once though I was so angry at her for reading my private mail aloud to my sisters when I calmed down a few days later I confronted her. Yelling was (and still is for me), unacceptable. She slapped me for telling her how I felt. I could feel her anger more than I felt the slap. After that I learned to keep my life private from her.

Why do I bring this up? Now that she is older I am the one who takes care of her. Today she walked in the living room and her dog who was very glad to see her jumped off the sofa and slipped and fell on the floor. I could see the anger in her face and hands. She yelled at the dog for being stupid; I saw she wanted to hit her, and she would have if I had not been there.

And suddenly I was 10 yrs old again. I asked her as I did then, what makes her so angry? I have seen her flip out in anger at our animals more than once. It is as if she cannot handle mistakes, even when they are made in joy. I have more or less avoided the anger pitfall. Earlier in my life I became a bouncer because I have the ability to direct my anger. But I have not been angry to the point of explosion in over 25 yrs. They say we grow up to be our parents... I have spent years trying to become my own island, safe from the negative current but today when I saw her eyes blaze and her hand reel back it made me wonder if I can be safe from that.

Do you see yourself developing habits from your family? What have you done to avoid that?
Kyst

Post #: 1

RE: displaced anger - 8/3/2008 9:10:16 PM

hlen5

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Wow! I admire your courage in talking about your personal history. Like you, I was the quiet one of 3 girls and a boy. I find it very hard to reconcile how I felt then with how I feel about my sibs now. We are close and I still can't really speak to them about how we grew up (Their replies "every family has problems, you only look at the bad,blah blah"). In our family, my Dad was the out of control one and we all danced to his tune (and still do, somewhat).
I find the template we grew up with to be basically in place. The family star, the good girl, etc. still holds true. In regards to anger, I think that my sibs and I all have worked on and mostly improved (3 out of 4 of us, anyway) our communications skills, so our homes are not chaotic shouting pits.

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RE: displaced anger - 8/3/2008 9:20:16 PM

subeos

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i have done my very best to NOT be my parents. i feel i have broken that cycle they created. But, i have to work on it as issues arise. i am very close to my children as they are all adults now. And, i have good communication with them.

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RE: displaced anger - 8/3/2008 9:20:17 PM

Missokyst

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I find that exposing things to the light of day takes the power away. Of the four of us, I was the lucky one.
Kyst

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RE: displaced anger - 8/3/2008 9:23:13 PM

lighthearted

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the short version: therapy.

the longer version:
the first step, before the therapy, was to recognize the problem. it's similar to yours, my mother (who also lives with me, btw) has a host of unaddressed mental issues that she deals with by blaming others (generally me) and when I was younger, via mostly mental and occasional physical abuse. from what she's said, she was treated the same way by her own mother.

I made a promise to myself that if/when I had children, the cycle would end with me. I'll admit, I'm not a perfect mom, but I certainly feel that I have made good on the promise I made. I've never called my children a single name, never slapped them, never intentionally humiliated them. I sure as heck gotten very angry with them, and shown it, I have moments that as a mom I'm not proud of, but taking out my anger on my kids is generally not in my game plan as a parent.

therapy helped me deal with the issues I couldn't deal with on my own, similar to what you mentioned:

quote:

I have spent years trying to become my own island, safe from the negative current but today when I saw her eyes blaze and her hand reel back it made me wonder if I can be safe from that.

I know that feeling well, sadly, but therapy helped me learned where those feelings came from and how to deal with them effectively. it's a hard, hard habit to break, and there are times when I still feel the fear, the anger and the sadness, but at least I don't feel so crippled by them anymore either, because in the end, it is a habit, you become conditioned. so I think you can be safe from it, but it's all about what's in your head...your mom will always be the person she is, but you don't have to react to her the way you did when you were younger and essentially powerless.

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RE: displaced anger - 8/3/2008 9:31:09 PM

slvemike4u

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Abused and raised by a man who today would be classified as a sexual predator(with familial preferences).Currently father of 1 a son who is now a junior on the deans list at a prestigious University.Never raised my hand in anger nor abused in any other manner.I can remember thinking as a little boy,that all I wanted to do was raise a child of my own and do it right.Well I accomplished that,certainly there were trying moments,I can recall thinking to myself with some anger after having my son come back at me with sass,that I would never have talked to my father that way...and than a smile would come to my face and I would remember that was the point...my son didn't and never had to fear me....he is and I hope always will be my best friend and the pride of my life

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RE: displaced anger - 8/3/2008 9:32:53 PM

Missokyst

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I feel you. I also went out of my way never to yell at, humiliate, or hit my children. I allowed them to develop on their own schedule unlike my own experience which was as if doing it better and faster than anyone was the goal. I know I have avoided that pitfall. And anger.. I have learned that for me, forgiveness is an easier road. But, it seriously scares me that I might morph into this monster. I see no valid reason for her anger. Is there something which is happening that caused her to suddenly let loose like that? It makes me wonder if not allowing yourself to express what you feel is like a kettle about to blow the lid.
Kyst

(in reply to lighthearted)

Post #: 7

RE: displaced anger - 8/3/2008 9:46:22 PM

slvemike4u

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

I feel you. I also went out of my way never to yell at, humiliate, or hit my children. I allowed them to develop on their own schedule unlike my own experience which was as if doing it better and faster than anyone was the goal. I know I have avoided that pitfall. And anger.. I have learned that for me, forgiveness is an easier road. But, it seriously scares me that I might morph into this monster. I see no valid reason for her anger. Is there something which is happening that caused her to suddenly let loose like that? It makes me wonder if not allowing yourself to express what you feel is like a kettle about to blow the lid.
Kyst

Kyst,I think stuffing will eventually lead to an unhealthy expression of feelings,but as lighthearted spoke about in her post, therapy can help with learning healthy methods to express even the most frustrating feelings.It is my belief that anyone raised in a dysfunctional family would be doing themselves and any children they will be raising a big favor by investing the time and trouble not to mention the personal emotional pain involved by going thru therapy ...I have personally saught out help on three seperate occasions to help me deal wih issues I walked out of childhood with....my son indirectly reaps the benifit of my doing this...mike

_____________________________

If we want things to stay as they are,things will have to change...Tancredi from "the Leopard"

Forget Guns-----Ban the pools

Funny stuff....https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNwFf991d-4

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 8

RE: displaced anger - 8/3/2008 9:49:56 PM

lighthearted

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it could be any number of things..I know with my mom, it's almost like she transforms into another person. I think with her, she is genuinely chemically imbalanced. it could be too that she is so accustomed to getting away with that kind of behavior she doesn't think twice about it. part of it could be old age, doesn't dementia manifest itself like that? I know for sure the filters sure do come down when people get older...every time I delude myself into thinking she's mellowed out in her old age, she proves me wrong.

as for the anger in yourself, I guess it's always a possibility you can blow if you are repressing it...but if you can genuinely let it go, and are serious about being self-aware, then there's lots of hope there.

I think it's very interesting that a number of people that posted on this thread mentioned consciously breaking a cycle of violence and abuse...that's really fantastic imo...

< Message edited by lighthearted -- 8/3/2008 9:50:26 PM >

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RE: displaced anger - 8/3/2008 9:55:05 PM

faerytattoodgirl

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we were individuals...only my parents were together all the time...they didnt take any of us anywhere or did anything together. even at dinner we were not together.

so everything i learned...was on my own...16 yrs of my childhood was pretty much spent in hospital...so you can say i learned from the nurses. any habits came from there or at school.

parents didnt hit anyone or even grounded anyone. they let us live. life experience is the best experience. parents still together after 40+ years.

< Message edited by faerytattoodgirl -- 8/3/2008 9:56:41 PM >

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RE: displaced anger - 8/3/2008 9:55:54 PM

Missokyst

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I actually did the therapy thing early in my life. On my own I got a job when I was 14 (said I was 16), and used that money to pay for counselling when I knew things were messed up.
Now, I keep it together not so much for me, but because I recognize she likes being angry. She looks for things to stroke that, I think. I don't allow it to be me if I can avoid it. But when I see it, as I did today, it scares me because people say we all grow up to be them.
I want to know that people are not following that pattern. I guess I am looking for hope.
Kyst

< Message edited by Missokyst -- 8/3/2008 9:57:27 PM >

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RE: displaced anger - 8/3/2008 10:04:42 PM

slvemike4u

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Kyst if i beleived tht I would have cut my own throat years ago...happens all too often ,but it doesn't have to....lighthearted mentioned it ,reread this thread breaking cycles is all over it...that is the most important thing most of us that come from these homes can do...for myself if I never accomplish anything else ,if all else goes to hell,I can happily sit on a rocking chair as an old man and smile ,just from knowing I didn't saddle my son with the pain my father saddled me with...i broke the cycle

_____________________________

If we want things to stay as they are,things will have to change...Tancredi from "the Leopard"

Forget Guns-----Ban the pools

Funny stuff....https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNwFf991d-4

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 12

RE: displaced anger - 8/3/2008 10:47:15 PM

ownedgirlie

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

I want to know that people are not following that pattern. I guess I am looking for hope.
Kyst

Yes, there are. My upbringing was much like yours, only there were five of us kids. Three of the five have kids themselves and none of those kids are being raised even closely to how we were. The pattern stopped with my parents.

I had incredible rage for a very long time. I explored this through therapy and, to my surprise, with my Master, without even intending to do so. My anger is gone now. Feeling positive is so much better. :)

But yes, it can get worked through, and the cycle does not have to repeat itself. Oddly enough, as my own mother aged, she stopped being so angry. I think she became afraid as she noticed her kids pulling away from her. After my dad died she relaxed a LOT, and is a lot of fun to be around now. I learned to establish very clear and honest boundaries with her, and she accepted them, but it took a lot of work for both of us.

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Good is the enemy of great.

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RE: displaced anger - 8/4/2008 4:13:51 AM

Missokyst

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Thats good to hear. I have spent a lot of years getting to know my ins and outs. I would like to believe that life is like history. Only those that do not study history are doomed to repeat it.
Thanks
Kyst

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RE: displaced anger - 8/4/2008 6:34:00 AM

pahunkboy

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From: Central Pennsylvania
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Good morning.

I [as well as yourself] give you full and total permission, latitude, to express your mind, feelings. life- in an inteligent adult manner, whenever and whereever.

As of this moment- the string that binds you to this is now gone. You are free to behave as the real you is.

I bet you are a skilled negotiator- :-)

Anyhow- come out of your shell. From this second forward- you be YOU.

Hugs and love from Pennsylvania.

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RE: displaced anger - 8/4/2008 8:54:40 AM

Vendaval

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Great thread, Missokyst.

Therapy is a good starting point for rebuilding your life. I would like to express admiration for those who have broken the cycle with their own unmentionables.

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RE: displaced anger - 8/4/2008 9:29:21 AM

Termyn8or

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Anger is a choice. I know that is hard to swallow, but it is true. I learned the hard way, no therapists or anything. I used to have a big problem with anger until I realized this. Now I am thankful that I never seriously hurt or killed a friend or family member. Seeing the aftermath of my fits went a long way in helping me realize this.

Proof is easy, say a small kid jumps in your lap and squishes your balls (OK, but Women have sensitive spot as well). Do you get angry ? Hell no. Or you are sparring or even in a real boxing match. Your opponent gets in on you and delivers a whole bunch of blows. You might catch a second wind and try to return the favor, but you are not angry. It's quite possible that later you will be discussing the match, tactics and such over a beer.

So if anger is a choice at those times, when you are in physical pain, why is it not under other circumstances ? I see people do stupid shit every day. I just think to myself that they are going to get their's sooner or later, and it is not up to me to deliver it.

But some do choose anger. Anger saps your energy, it makes you vulnerable. I can't say that it's never too late to learn this, some never do. The dog incident I would have said something like "Dogs are stupid Ma, that's why they are not driving cars, running the world, getting jobs". Just the other day with the olman, after a while I decided to say something. "So you are going to call Mike's olady a pig in front of him and you think that's OK, and on the freeway you get right up on people's asses so nobody can get in front of you, but when you are trying to get on and they won't let you on you get pissed off, OK". With that I walked out the door and went home.

I had not raised my voice at all. I only raise my voice when I am interrupted speaking or I am talking to someone not right nearby. Like across the street or in another room. I've found that lowering your voice has an interesting effect, people tend to start listening.

Now I can't claim that I never get pissed off. But it takes alot. Most of the bullshit that happens is just an annoyance. What would happen if someone did something really bad, like hurt a family member or something like that, I can't say what would happen. But nothing of the sort has happened in a long time. So far so good.

I am also quite intolerant of ignorance. But a dog falling flat on it's face, if it wasn't hurt I would just laugh about it. If a person is displaying ignorance, we seperate. If I am in their house I will leave, if they are in mine, they will leave. Actually sometimes all that is needed is to drop the subject.

Sure I get aggravated, but I handle it in a different way now, which usually consists of removing the source of the aggravation. You have to know your limitations. You can only handle so much, so to know where your breaking point is can be helpful. In other words, no matter who you are, there is a limit to how much you can handle. There are no exceptions.

It sounds to me like you have this under control, but you just don't know how much control you actually have. Actually none of us do.

Keep doing whay you're doing, it seems to be working. And be well.

With that I yield the floor. (some of my posts get so long nobody wants to read them, I'm trying not to do that).

T

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RE: displaced anger - 8/4/2008 11:46:43 AM

Lockit

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You will not morph into your mother. You have chosen a different path and it is clear that you have found a way not to take on her personality. It is all a choice for the most part. At some point we have to see what everything is or deny it. To deny it, we may become it, but you didn't deny it.

Taking care of your mother may be a very difficult thing to do and I do admire you for doing it, especally with her anger issues and how you feel about them. But (!) lol... she didn't hit the dog because you were right there! That says something huge! You not only overcame and found your way, you showed her that in some way, you will not tolerate hers! Kudos! As she ages and maybe the mind slips a little... her anger may excell. You may need to protect your family from it. I have no doubt you will handle it because you have and you have made your imprint on the world around you and even the angry person can see it! You go! lol

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RE: displaced anger - 8/4/2008 1:44:18 PM

Missokyst

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Thanks. I am a lot different from my family. I am the negotiator, the logical director, the calm in the storm.. and the only one who does not hold anger for life. I swear sometimes I see strains of blood feud running rampant in a clan in which I am only an observer.
I know the anger in her will only get worse as she her memory fades. My siblings have opted out of carrying any responsiblity to her, but I do get breaks every other weekend when my sister takes her out for rides.
My main concern was that I might become that as I age. I am glad to hear that people have avoided that.
Kyst

(in reply to Lockit)

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RE: displaced anger - 8/4/2008 6:22:31 PM

UncleNasty

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I think it is true of most issues and dysfunctional training we receive as children that awareness of it/them is the first and perhaps most important step. Once that is established be ever mindful of the "symptoms," lest you slide unknowing like into that abyss.

I feel like I can't ever completely relax in terms of the negative and dysfunctional dynamics and behaviors I learned from my family. It isn't a matter of always being overly stressed about it. More a matter of checking in with myself and viewing events in the newer light I live in now.

My opinion is that you're doing well and have little to worry about.

Uncle Nasty

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Post #: 20

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