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Leaving vanilla? Regrets? - 7/30/2008 12:17:52 AM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline 		i had an amazing phone call yesterday. Basically my eldest had been contacted through the kids version of Freinds United....(never knew there was such a site). Anyway he had been contacted by a girl friend who was at same toddler group and early school as him. amazing eh? Her mom and i were very very good freinds back at a time when i was exepriencing the blues of being a young mom for the first time, leaving work for the first time (lecturing) and being in a very vanilla marriage. The marriage was 'secure'...well it would have been if i could have settled for the life.
Detached house in the suburbs. Gold card. very very protective husband who, although he spent a great deal of time away on business, there were absolutely no expenses spared to give me a 'wife's life'.
Exceot of course it was vanilla, i got post natal depression and found the drop from being the only woman lecturer amongst a whole College of men (the intellectual cudos part of that i mean) well i found the whole experience isolating and quite honestly a minor hell. Coupled with the feeling that everyone else came euipped qith an internal manual for how to be the perfect mom (except for me).
Anyway then out of the blue a woman shouts across the leafy avenue; fancy a coffee. and my whole life was transformed into a series of coffee mornings. toddler groups, play groups etc. Which is why last night's phone call  was truly great. My BEST friend from thos times ranfg me. Her voice sounded the same although it's been twenty years.
She lives in the same house with the same husband. I've gone on to have two more kids but her daughter has flown the nest. Her life seems unchanged whereby by comparison my life has been a roller coaster made of experimental materials with an inknown flight path. And of course bdsm.
I have no regrets though. I gae her a quick outline of events of my life. She said i should write a book about my life (i'm on volume 3 lol), she and i are going to meet up and have a few days together. i will try to explain where i am at BUT i don't know how to explain this aspect, this slave aspect of my life to her. I will be able to tell in general about the bdsm her as she is that kind of amazing friend.
On paper it looks like i sacrificed everything for being on the end of a whip. yet no regrets.
My questions are: What pmajor changes oes bdsm/did bdsm make to your life's journey?
D o you have rgerets about being 'in the lifestyle'?
Did you, have you, are you making sacrifices in giving up the straight life?
What remains of those vanilla contacts and how different is your life now?
How different would your life had been if you had never taken the risk of a dynamic?


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RE: Leaving vanilla? Regrets? - 7/30/2008 4:23:03 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Why bother to say anything more than that you were feeling stifled in your marriage, that although you've had a couple of other relationships, none of them were the one that would entice you to settle down again?

For all you know, she could be domme to her husband, something that's happened recently. Or they could have settled into a companionship but sexless relationship. I wouldn't bother to press info on her unless she offered first.

I don't talk about sex or play, but about feelings. About how happy I am to finally be in a relationship with someone who is there for me instead of constantly criticizing, about how I need him to be protective. And as long as I don't use words only associated with bdsm, like sub or slave, people do understand.

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RE: Leaving vanilla? Regrets? - 7/30/2008 7:52:14 AM   
Prinsexx


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Joined: 8/27/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Why bother to say anything more than that you were feeling stifled in your marriage, that although you've had a couple of other relationships, none of them were the one that would entice you to settle down again?

For all you know, she could be domme to her husband, something that's happened recently. Or they could have settled into a companionship but sexless relationship. I wouldn't bother to press info on her unless she offered first.

I don't talk about sex or play, but about feelings. About how happy I am to finally be in a relationship with someone who is there for me instead of constantly criticizing, about how I need him to be protective. And as long as I don't use words only associated with bdsm, like sub or slave, people do understand.

i'm sorry but i'm not getting how what you are saying is connected to what i was asking in general and interested to know about which is if others' felt that they had any regrets or felt that they had sacrificed anything when they walked out of vanilla situations? i know my friend very well and her world is very different to mine that's why i was using that as an example....



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RE: Leaving vanilla? Regrets? - 7/30/2008 8:20:01 AM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		why regret anything ever?
to my mind it is a collasal waste of time and energy....does anything productive ever come out of regret? am i missing something?

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RE: Leaving vanilla? Regrets? - 7/30/2008 8:25:58 AM   
mistoferin


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Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		I guess I'm not sure why anyone could not have a house in the suburbs, a gold card, coffee mornings, PTA meetings, Tupperware parties....heck, maybe even join a quilting club....and still participate in bdsm. It's not like you have to walk around in chains all day. :Life on the outside of our homes....and even for a lot of the time inside our homes...IS vanilla. So I don't understand why one would negate the possibility of the other.

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RE: Leaving vanilla? Regrets? - 7/30/2008 9:35:26 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		I am with Erin on this one........I don't get how having this as part of my life sacrifices anything. I still have the family, my happy little farm, furry babies, job, etc etc etc......... I didn't have to give anything up.

As far as I can tell, it has only added to it, enhanced it.


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RE: Leaving vanilla? Regrets? - 7/30/2008 9:39:19 AM   
KyttynTheMynx


Posts: 4880
Joined: 5/10/2006
From: Moosecrotch, Va
Status: offline 		Its cute to think about me spending my days in chains and naked and waiting on the man to come home, but I'd get real depressed really quick.  I NEED my vanilla activities to keep my sanity.  Its nice to do the kinky things, but a night out with my girls, drinking beer and shooting pool is something I cant ever see giving up.  I can separate the two, when the situation calls for it, but I will never totally abandon one, as both parts make me a whole.

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RE: Leaving vanilla? Regrets? - 7/30/2008 11:25:31 AM   
StormsSlave


Posts: 629
Joined: 2/6/2008
Status: offline 		Regrets?

I heard someone say once that when they looked back they could connect the dots. I get that. I couldn't see where I was going at the time, but I can see how I got here from there.

Besides, it's not as if a tornado came down rom the sky and lifted me to he land of BDSM. I still get up, make coffee, watch tv, figure out dinner and hope like hell I find a job today. I love my kids, look after my mom, and walk my sister's dog. Lifestyle? If it was all BDSM, fuck, I'd get bored quick.

No regrets. Just lessons.

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RE: Leaving vanilla? Regrets? - 7/30/2008 12:00:37 PM   
sailorfrank


Posts: 127
Joined: 6/18/2008
Status: offline 		    One should never ever regret lifes changes...unless you are looking out thru bars of course!   lol

Those changes make us what we are and it is only for us to judge ourselves.   Myself I hint to old friends to see their re-actions and imagine my surprise when I found out they too where in the life?

  We both had a good long laugh over that as both of our alternative styles where quite the same?   Better even that she was female with a boring Husband at home.

  Nice post on this subject and should make a lot of people here think and enjoy it!

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RE: Leaving vanilla? Regrets? - 7/30/2008 1:57:27 PM   
PrincessofFire


Posts: 13
Joined: 7/14/2008
Status: offline 		Before the relationship I am in now, I was in strictly vanilla relationships. There was the occasional light spanking, some bondage play, but nothing ever serious. Four years ago I met my daddy and it made a significant impact on my life.

Besides the sex being 100 gazillion times more interesting and enjoyable, I have been able to experience something in the past four years I never got to experience before... my daddy takes care of me like no one else has. I know there are probably a ton of people out there who are like me, I'm the eldest of 3 and I always had the responsibility of making sure everything was taken care of always. Being in this relationship has allowed me to experience being the one taken care, having someone else to go to when I get overly worried, etc etc. I can probably say the major change this lifestyle has had on my life's journey is to show me I don't have to take charge of my life all the time.

I don't have too many regrets from being in this lifestyle, but thats only if you don't include my regrets after I've done something naughty :P Even when I'm being punished though, its never been a regret about being in the lifestyle but more of a regret that I did something wrong in the first place.

There aren't too many sacrifices I've made giving up the straight life that I can recall, and I remain friends with people considered "vanilla," but then again I am relatively new to this so this might change in years to come.

Overall I think my life might just be a tad bit more uninteresting without this lifestyle. The loss of the sex I've had, the people I've met, and the toys I've acquired are enough to convince me of such!

Hope that wasn't too long but nice question/s!

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RE: Leaving vanilla? Regrets? - 7/30/2008 2:10:28 PM   
AquaticSub


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Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

What pmajor changes oes bdsm/did bdsm make to your life's journey?


I'm happy in a relationship where my needs and wants are met as well as his.

quote:


D o you have rgerets about being 'in the lifestyle'?


Only regarding it's social stigma which will hopefully be removed in time.

quote:


Did you, have you, are you making sacrifices in giving up the straight life?


Not really. Certain doors have closed but that happens with any decision in life.

quote:

  
What remains of those vanilla contacts and how different is your life now?

Not really sure what you mean. It's not like I went out and traded all my "vanilla" friends and family in for upgraded BDSM ones. My life is different but I still have plenty of friends who aren't into this.

quote:

  
How different would your life had been if you had never taken the risk of a dynamic?


Probably would still be hopping from romance to romance, trying to figure out what I was looking for.

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RE: Leaving vanilla? Regrets? - 7/30/2008 2:32:08 PM   
goodgirl08


Posts: 145
Joined: 6/11/2007
Status: offline 		What major changes does bdsm/did bdsm make to your life's journey?
Made me more self-aware and ultimately more in touch with my feelings and sense of identity. Being immersed in a (generally awesome) feminist environment when I started diving deep into BDSM, I never wanted to be someone who defined myself according an ideology. I saw that happen to other people and I knew I had to let myself be free and be myself without worrying too much about the 'implications' of bdsm. It was a struggle at times, but for me it really helped in forging my individual identity and feeling brave/confident about who I am.

Do you have regrets about being 'in the lifestyle'?
Uhhhh well, I have done some dumb stuff, but not really.

Did you, have you, are you making sacrifices in giving up the straight life?
Nothing more than what is required to maintain a strong relationship. I am aware that in the future I may have to make some big life changes and I keep that in mind, but still nothing too different from a committed vanilla relationship. I don't really consider these things sacrifices though, more like things I need to do to be a good partner.

What remains of those vanilla contacts and how different is your life now?
I still got em all ;) but I'm not really into immersing myself in the scene, just in finding a good person to serve/have nasty shit done to me by. ^_^

How different would your life had been if you had never taken the risk of a dynamic?
This is a great question. I have made some mediocre or even bad judgment calls in the past but I'm still glad I made them. Despite some shady experiences ;), my foray into BDSM and acceptance of it as an integral part of me has actually helped me a lot on the road to self-esteem. I think if I hadn't ever taken the risk...I would still be trying to convince my high school boyfriend to smack my ass just a LITTLE harder...no, really, I want you to!

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RE: Leaving vanilla? Regrets? - 7/30/2008 4:11:19 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

My questions are: What pmajor changes oes bdsm/did bdsm make to your life's journey?

Hard to say- butterfly effect and all.  Since I grew into bdsm as the same time as I grew into myself as an adult, they happened in tandem.  How does any interest/orientation make changes to our lives?
quote:


D o you have rgerets about being 'in the lifestyle'?

No, it was a choice I made and continue to make.  Now, perhaps you mean regrets about living a particular type of life?  Not at all.  To have lived anything else would have been denying who I am.  It's one thing to grow up not knowing you have a choice- it's another to know you have a choice and not choose to follow it.
quote:


Did you, have you, are you making sacrifices in giving up the straight life?

No, none that are meaningful at least.
quote:


What remains of those vanilla contacts and how different is your life now?
How different would your life had been if you had never taken the risk of a dynamic?

Again, these questions are only relevant for those who came into this later in life.

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RE: Leaving vanilla? Regrets? - 7/30/2008 4:12:13 PM   
sillyslaveboy


Posts: 169
Joined: 7/28/2008
Status: offline 		i will answer the same questions as AquaticSub, but without quoting.

my very first relationship lasting more than few weeks - two years actually - was D/s one, so it rather manifested what i always wanted than it actually changed anything. It didn't need anyone to be triggered, but it did need somebody to prove rational and possible. Between and after my D/s relationships i've tried a bit of vanilla, but it just didn't work. i've no regrets about BDSM, except that i won't live long enough to do everything i would like to. indeed, i am giving up on being close with a big deal of people because they just would not understand a thing about the lifestyle while some even openly discriminate every thought of BDSM, and would be ready to demonstrate their words in a rather violent manner.

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RE: Leaving vanilla? Regrets? - 7/31/2008 12:16:48 AM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross


Again, these questions are only relevant for those who came into this later in life.

i didn't ask the questions with age in mind. i feel that there are choices to be nade at any age. My teen's and their friends are really vey close (two years pr-consent) and we have sat very many hours late into the night talking about sexual, GLBT and bdsm issues. Even at that age these girls have regrets, (seen in one light) and choices they feel they are having to make.
i myself actually left home at 15 and walked away from home/school because of the downright oppressive and repressive atmosphere which i knew would unhinge me had i not got out.
But others find their One (or More) at mid-life. and have similar choices to make. i have a friend who is 44 and he is transgendering. He has been exhausted mostly by defending why he remains an unmarried man....but it's not his age per se which is the issue. He is dealing with the changes better in fact than his brother, and mother and father, who now have lost a 'son.'


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RE: Leaving vanilla? Regrets? - 7/31/2008 2:58:59 AM   
c0uple


Posts: 1
Joined: 7/29/2008
Status: offline 		Bdsm has made a big impact on my life and has enabled me to connect to my partner in a way we could not before I found out about his interests in the lifestyle. I only found out a few months ago, and being in a almost 3 year relationship this came as a bit of a shock, however we are moving on stronger than ever and have recently returned to this site together to take things a step futher.

I have no regrets, and my subs only regret is that he didnt tell me sooner (as he would have had a r/t Domme 2years ago).

As for making sacrifices we both still do all the things we used to do, only now we have a new sense on openess between us and a more "interesting" sex life.

As for telling your friend, there is no need to be that open but if you feel you can tell her then dont worry as she seems a good enough friend to understand even if she doesnt participate herself. I told my best friend and she has since been looking into the lifestyle herself with her boyfriend which I would never have expected.

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RE: Leaving vanilla? Regrets? - 7/31/2008 3:06:37 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		For me I live life.  I do not seperate it into neat little pigeon holes.  There is no bdsm/vanilla.  They entwine.  They are just different branches of the same tree.  That tree, being me.
And I never have regrets.
 
the.dark.

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RE: Leaving vanilla? Regrets? - 7/31/2008 7:12:43 AM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline
quote:

What pmajor changes oes bdsm/did bdsm make to your life's journey?

Bdsm made me whole. It gave me a sense of equanimity that i had been searching for probably my whole life, although i didn't realise it at the time.
 
quote:

D o you have rgerets about being 'in the lifestyle'?

No, i don't.
 
quote:

Did you, have you, are you making sacrifices in giving up the straight life?

I didn't sacrifice anything and don't think i am now. I was not involved with anyone when i became kink aware so i didn't really have anything to give up as such.
 
quote:

What remains of those vanilla contacts and how different is your life now?

I still have all my vanilla friends. Life is a little different, not sure how to explain it really! Im happier, more content in the main, but sometimes so god damn lonely i could cry.
 
quote:

How different would your life had been if you had never taken the risk of a dynamic?

I would probably be living the life you described having before you discovered bdsm. As an aside i did live that life before finding it and i am totally with you on how you felt about it.






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RE: Leaving vanilla? Regrets? - 7/31/2008 10:43:10 AM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
 
quote:

How different would your life had been if you had never taken the risk of a dynamic?

I would probably be living the life you described having before you discovered bdsm. As an aside i did live that life before finding it and i am totally with you on how you felt about it.

Miss T:
It wasn't a life i was having before i discovered bdsm. Basically it was a vanilla life i was 'faking' or trying to have. It was what i now call a 'hanging basket reality' you know with the pretty flowers, the picket fence, the au pair etcetera. I'n not saying that that kind of lifestyle is outside of bdsm nor that there is a division line between the two worlds EXCEPT that there was then for me and a great many expectations placed upon me as a wife and what a wife should be like which quite honestly drove me up the walls with isolation. I also found out that whereas i was desperately trying to stay 'straight' that my then husband was having 'hot' affairs. It was a kind of forbidden fruit tasted better life for him.......stereotypical roles that had no foundation. I walked away from everything and was almost immediately into a sado-masochistic relationship......anyway yaddah yaddah the past but you know looking back brings up stuff and questions and how different folks see things differently. The truth will out anyways.







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Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
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RE: Leaving vanilla? Regrets? - 7/31/2008 2:08:34 PM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline
quote:

It wasn't a life i was having before i discovered bdsm. Basically it was a vanilla life i was 'faking' or trying to have.

 
Hey Hun
At the time i was married with the kid and 'living' a nilla very ordinary life, i THOUGHT i was living. It's only in hindsight that i can say i was actually not living at all. I was existing! As you say faking a lifestyle i was really not suited to.
I was only 21 when i left my husband, 19 when we married. Even then i lived a 'fake' life for another ten years approx. I floated from relationship to relationship looking for something i was never going to find until i dicovered BDSM.

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