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metalmiss -> RE: Leaving vanilla? Regrets? (7/31/2008 5:27:11 PM)
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i have no regrets about being in the lifestyle.. it is what i am, i need a Dynamic to function properly within society, rules and boundaries which give me the security i need to have direction, to be secure within myself. Without it i am half a person, lost in a world i do not understand.. On my knees i am stronger than i ever imagined i could be, how could anybody regret that?
i once broke someone's heart, my first real long term partner whom i was for a long time very seriously engaged to, by having to tell him that i loved him dearly and always will, but that he wasn't for me because he wasn't Dominant.
i would call that a sacrifice.. A big sacrifice. i could see myself growing old with him, marriage, kids, the works.. But that would have meant something much harder.. Denying who i really was.. So i left and went out in search of what i needed.
i don't have bad feelings about that, because in all honesty having to say that to him broke my heart too, the hurt went both ways and for a long time i hated myself for what i am.
As for old mutual vanilla friends, they're still friends. They're aware of my lifestyle & the only reason things are different & my contact with them is limited is because my searching brought me down to London.. And distance can be a bitch. But when i go to visit, nothing has changed. Anybody would think i had never been away.
How different would my life had been if i had never made the decision to persue the lifestyle, is something i will never know.. Because i DID choose to persue it.
Hope this goes some way to answering at least some of your questions.. *smiles*
xx
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