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RE: If they really knew me… - 7/25/2008 10:23:03 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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I posted an article about a month about that related the story of a couple who spent every single moment of their lives for years no more than 6 feet apart. Of course they lived a "simple" life in a hut together, but still, NO private time.

The fact is that my partner and I have that as well. I'm not saying we know everything there is to know, I still can't always remember whether he prefers chunky or smooth peanut butter. Simply that the fear of knowing is non-existent. We grew into eachother that way.

I'd say your first issue is that you started out by making secrets into something to guard against and thus constantly have to be concerned about it. That adds a huge burden to you both before you've even started walking down the road.

Perhaps consider it like yoga- you're not expected to touch your forehead to your knee perfectly the first time. But you stretch more and more and make it a daily practice and then whoops, one day you realize you're there.

Don't focus so much on BEING at the goal, just make it a habit of daily life, part of who you are together, and it will flow naturally from that practice.

And yes, we even know eachothers bathroom habits and I have no idea why people find that so weird.

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RE: If they really knew me… - 7/26/2008 2:13:14 AM

simpleplan2

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Hello pet. I think I understand what you mean; however I don't know that those places you've "cordoned off" will always remain so. I feel that I, too, have places like that but it's not so much that I've cordoned them off, just that they are there. Like katie said some thoughts are flat out crazy. Sometimes you have something in your mind that you think is dark or scary and, when you bring it out into the light and really think about it, it turns out that it's something completely different.

I'm not advocating secrecy...perhaps, picking the time when you reveal something or even revealing it after you've given it some serious thought.

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RE: If they really knew me… - 7/26/2008 4:51:03 AM

eyesopened

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And then there are those things that we think or believe to be so bad that we worry if someone would reject us "if they really knew" but we are seeing those things through our own field of vision. Not unlike trying on someone else's eyeglasses and trying to figure out how the world must look to them without their glasses...it's impossible to know.

So our fear that someone would reject us is perhaps just our own rejection of ourselves? That part of us we think is so unlovable to others is really our way of not loving ourselves? Just something i was pondering.

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RE: If they really knew me… - 7/26/2008 6:09:53 AM

lovingpet

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quote:

ORIGINAL: eyesopened

And then there are those things that we think or believe to be so bad that we worry if someone would reject us "if they really knew" but we are seeing those things through our own field of vision. Not unlike trying on someone else's eyeglasses and trying to figure out how the world must look to them without their glasses...it's impossible to know.

So our fear that someone would reject us is perhaps just our own rejection of ourselves? That part of us we think is so unlovable to others is really our way of not loving ourselves? Just something i was pondering.

Ooooo!!!! I liked this! Every single word!

I guess that was part of what I was trying to say earlier. We cannot know how we will be perceived and fear of rejection is really fear of self.

lovingpet

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RE: If they really knew me… - 7/26/2008 10:12:12 AM

Level

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quote:

ORIGINAL: OnlyHisLovebug

Is it possible, or healthy, to try to let somebody know ALL of you?

Yes, yes, and yes, a resounding yes. I strongly urge you to read Radical Honesty, by Brad Blanton.

Now, that won't work with everyone. A lot, perhaps most, people don't really want to be that open, or to know another that deeply. You may be met with resentment, anger, or rejection. But the few that we're truly meant to click with, such openess will do incredible things with them.

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RE: If they really knew me… - 7/26/2008 10:32:44 AM

LATEXBABY64

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you know whats funny people in the thirties and forties did know each other deeply

why cause the media nazis did not invade our lives like they do today so you had to depend on each other for growing kinda of cool really made a better bond and then someone people are so frozen inside they can not see past their own shoe strings go figure life is what ya make it and what you do with it

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RE: If they really knew me… - 7/27/2008 5:26:27 PM

StrangerThan

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Shahrizai

The point of openess in my opinion is not a carte blanche requirement to empty all of your baggage at the feet of your partner. It is the confidence to approach your partner with issues that are significant, whether to you, your partner or your relationship.

If the secrets you keep are important, then as was previously mentioned, you may really want to examine your level of trust.

Incredibly well said.

It's a generic question for which there is no generic answer. The answer is subjective to the people and to the context of ALL. Whether it applies to a given relationship or not can have little to do with trust.

I've seen different sides of this coin. Not long ago a friend was required by a Dominant (one here on Collarme as a matter of fact) to go over her past. It ended badly as he could not handle what he found. When she talked to me about it afterwards, I told her that kind of requirement wasn't the sign of Dominance, but of idiocy. I've seen relationships that were strenghtened immeasurably by opening those kinds of doors. I've also seen them wrecked. The fact that you want to open them goes a long way in telling me that maybe it's time to. It tells me your Master has done a great job of building that level of trust to a point where you feel you can and maybe even have the need to. Being Dominant does not make one perfect, however. If there's some seriously damaging emotional or mental stuff hanging out behind those doors, Master might want to know that up front so that he can at least be prepared for the thought that some professional help might be needed.

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RE: If they really knew me… - 7/27/2008 5:33:41 PM

CallaFirestormBW

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I've been with my Darling for more than a decade. She knows everything there is to know about me, including all of my bad habits and all of my skidgy corners -- except that I am always learning new things about myself. Today, we encountered her first "hard limit". We were talking about suspension piercings, which is something I've never done, but am completely fascinated by -- and talking about how a friend of my daughter offered to pierce me for suspension and I told her that I didn't think that I would be able, in my current health state, to consider something as profound as a suspension... in the process, and while describing the piercing my daughter's friend described, I discovered that my darling cannot even -stand- to listen to descriptions of piercing placements for suspension,. much less watch the suspension. It's funny -- she doesn't have an issue with cutting or piercing -- but can't deal with the meathook piercings for suspension, and we only just discovered that together, today.

No matter how long you know someone, there are always new things to learn. Even in relationships that have complete transparency, like mine and my Darling's, things creep out of the shadows and bite you on the butt on occasion.

Calla Firestorm

< Message edited by CallaFirestormBW -- 7/27/2008 5:36:41 PM >

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RE: If they really knew me… - 7/27/2008 8:05:22 PM

MidMichCowboy

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quote:

ORIGINAL: PrincessJ77

To the OP, I do believe you can open up to the right person. Learning about them & their faults, (not that any twoo dom has them) and loving them anyway is the art of a relationship.

You are a wise (as well as lovely) lady. Loving and believing in someone, in spite of their faults and foibles, is worth striving for.

As it states on my profile:

I ask the impossible. After all the mistakes I’ve made in my life, in spite of all the faults I possess, that you believe in me unconditionally. I want you to see the strength that lies within me, the genius I possess. I want you to see and need the dichotomy of love and dominance, of pleasure and pain.

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RE: If they really knew me… - 7/27/2008 8:05:58 PM

brat4fun

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When I get to the point where I like someone, they get my "skeletons in the closet" e-mail. It's the biggest stuff... things that could be a deal-breaker for some folks. I figure it's best to get those kinds of things out early... before we grow more attached and get to a point where some random comment leads to an explanation about my past and they're left wondering why I didn't mention it sooner, or what else I'm hiding. Better to let them back out at the start of a relationship, rather than after I've grown close to them.

Like others have said, the rest of the stuff is going to come up either in every day conversation, or when an activity triggers some memory or reaction.

quote:

ORIGINAL: katie978

I didn't sit him down and regale him with every story of my past, but if ever he asked, I'd tell him anything he wanted to know.

That makes very good sense to me.

lil Aidan

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RE: If they really knew me… - 7/27/2008 9:55:08 PM

theq

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I believe in complete transparency in a relationship with any sub of mine, a lesson that was not easily learned.

If I am to be trusted by my lass with growing levels of power over her, she needs to see in my words and actions that I have nothing to hide from her (except which delightful toy I'm about to use on her when she's tied and blindfolded...), neither present or past.

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