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RE: Love and BDSM - 7/22/2008 9:18:54 AM   
OnlyHisLovebug


Posts: 56
Joined: 7/14/2008
Status: offline 		It seems to me that this is a truly a ymmv question.  For some love is a prerequisite, for some it's a nice perk if it's there- but okay if it's not, and for some it may even be a detriment.  It's really all about the people individual people involved in any given relationship. 

I think that figuring out if love is something you need in Your version of a  D/s relationship (it is for me) makes finding a compatible partner a bit easier. 

(in reply to Daddystouch)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Love and BDSM - 7/22/2008 9:22:38 AM   
sweetpeasmiles


Posts: 19
Joined: 4/25/2008
Status: offline 		Love is wonderful or can drive you completely batty.  I prefer the term "deep passionate like"  in most cases

(in reply to softness)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Love and BDSM - 7/22/2008 9:22:53 AM   
UR2Badored


Posts: 506
Joined: 2/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Daddystouch

Do you need to love someone to have a good BDSM relationship? Or do you need a good BDSM relationship to love someone*?



I dont need to love someone in the sense that I need to be in a relationship at all.  But if I am going to be in relationship, I will chose a person I could love--the D/s part is like making love--I expect it in a relationship, dont give it more thought any more than I would naturally be fond of touching them and assume it will be good to some degree since I love them and pleasing them is an intricate part of it. I suppose, I (wrongly or rightly) equate submission with devotion and so there will be some degree of love or attachment or it would be just me roleplaying emotions which my portrayal would be unconvincing without love or admiration.

< Message edited by UR2Badored -- 7/22/2008 10:15:56 AM >

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(in reply to Daddystouch)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Love and BDSM - 7/22/2008 9:23:38 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark
Our relationship has romantic love... or at least our definition of it.  All consuming, infatuation, adoration, passion, hearts and flowers, candle-lit meals and four poster beds with lots of hand holding.  But Darcy is not my Daddy, it isn't the kind of relationship we have.  He is owner, controller and Master of me.  I don't believe it has anything with being a Daddy, it's purely personal choice.
 
the.dark.

 
*sighs*
 
I adore you two.. (even if a bit envious..LOL)

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CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
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(in reply to RCdc)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Love and BDSM - 7/22/2008 9:24:55 AM   
Daddystouch


Posts: 162
Joined: 10/20/2006
From: South East England
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

quote:

ORIGINAL: Daddystouch
Could it be that perhaps Daddy dom-ing requires romantic love, where 'vanilla' BDSM does not?

As I say, I couldn't imagine a relationship like that without love, so maybe that's my personal taste or maybe that's Daddy-doming?

Just a thought.


Our relationship has romantic love... or at least our definition of it.  All consuming, infatuation, adoration, passion, hearts and flowers, candle-lit meals and four poster beds with lots of hand holding.  But Darcy is not my Daddy, it isn't the kind of relationship we have.  He is owner, controller and Master of me.  I don't believe it has anything with being a Daddy, it's purely personal choice.

the.dark.


What I meant was: 'vanilla' BDSM can include love, but apparently doesn't require it. I was thinking perhaps the Daddy type relationship might require it - not that any BDSM relationship with love is therefore a Daddy-dom relationship. Of course, I'm only putting the idea out there. I dont' necessarily claim it to be the truth. I'd add preemptively that many people dislik labels and boxes. Just be yourself, they say. Well I am myself, and I don't accuse others of doing otherwise, but labels and boxes are helpful in describing yourself. Daddy-doming, to me, is a label without a satisfactory definition, I'd be interested to hear people's thoughts on what one might be.

quote:

ORIGINAL: eyesopened

Here's a thought, just for consideration.  Why not just relax and enjoy the moment, the relationship and the dynamic you have.


Being single right now, I don't have a dynamic. But who says I'm not relaxed and enjoying the moment, and that I wouldn't if I were in a relationship? I know how I am and what I want and what works for me (to a degree, everyone learns and grows). I asked because I was curious. Most people have replied saying love is not a requirement. For me, it pretty much is. I'm not going to break down in tears and change my mind or decide I have to put up with relationships that don't work for me because of that. I am merely curious how other people tick. Not to mention that this knowledge can help in the real world.


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(in reply to RCdc)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Love and BDSM - 7/22/2008 9:28:36 AM   
Aynne


Posts: 740
Joined: 1/25/2008
Status: offline 		Yes, I am with Christine on this 100%. I am loved, in love and could not imagine giving myself fully to someone without those reasons. However, I do not play casually either, even on a non-sexual level, so I have to be in love to even 'go there'...  


quote:

ORIGINAL: christine1

for me, love needs to be there in order for me to submit.  trying to submit and serve someone i don't love would be impossible for me.


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Without saying a word
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And I hoped that you heard

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(in reply to christine1)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Love and BDSM - 7/22/2008 9:39:31 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
I have seen daddy dom relationships that contain no real 'love' persay.  I have seen ones that contain no physical contact other than play so I don't believe that love is a prerequiste.  In reverse, I know some pretty hardcore SM relationships that have deep love connections.
As I said before, it's purely a personal thing.  You cannot define love, other than it is a verb, as your Massive Attack sig says, because love is so individual and so subjective - personally I believe it would be pointless to try and even in defining love, you end up negating it in the end... and it is to precious a verb, a feeling and an experience to do that.
 
the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to Daddystouch)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Love and BDSM - 7/22/2008 9:50:15 AM   
Daddystouch


Posts: 162
Joined: 10/20/2006
From: South East England
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark


I have seen daddy dom relationships that contain no real 'love' persay.  I have seen ones that contain no physical contact other than play so I don't believe that love is a prerequiste



Fair enough. I had just never heard people speak of their Daddy/little girl without love before.

EDIT: I have no idea why this message is in bold. It shows as regular text when I edit :S


< Message edited by Daddystouch -- 7/22/2008 9:51:36 AM >

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What men in all the world have shown such daring?

(in reply to RCdc)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Love and BDSM - 7/22/2008 9:57:00 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop 
*sighs*
 
I adore you two.. (even if a bit envious..LOL)


*smoochies* (this  comes to you from a GT, D&d love fest)

the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to GreedyTop)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Love and BDSM - 7/22/2008 10:14:13 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		For me, they go together.  I can't imagine why I'd bother with being the Master without the love.  I also cannot imagine any kind of sexual interaction with someone I did not love.  That, of course, is just me.  It is certainly possible to construct relationships on a whole variety of vectors.  I think, more than anything, there needs to be some effective give and take and there needs to be some strong shared interests/goals.  The specifics of either of those is really up to the individual participants.  It's just for me, "love" is one of the necessary give/take items.  It's also my primary life goal.

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I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to Daddystouch)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Love and BDSM - 7/22/2008 10:14:50 AM   
Kittypurrs


Posts: 14
Joined: 2/3/2008
Status: offline 		I do not need to be in love with my partner to submit for play.   BUT, I do not have the desire to serve without the love, nor do I experience the emotional fulfillment.  I am only completely fulfilled when I have both the D/s dynamic and the deep emotional love.  Like one poster mentioned, I can live without the kink, but I cannot live with someone that I do not feel submissive to.  For me, BDSM can be alot of fun.....but love intensifies the BDSM.   I cannot fully submit to someone I do not love.  That means, I can be a bottom if I don't love someone but I can only be a true submissive when my heart is involved.

(in reply to softness)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Love and BDSM - 7/22/2008 10:17:17 AM   
TwoNYCDommes


Posts: 237
Joined: 1/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Daddystouch
Do you need to love someone to have a good BDSM relationship? Or do you need a good BDSM relationship to love someone*?
*Romantic love, obviously.


No and no.

(in reply to Daddystouch)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Love and BDSM - 7/22/2008 10:26:44 AM   
slvemike4u


Posts: 17896
Joined: 1/15/2008
From: United States
Status: offline 		My nic says slave,though in a truer sense I am a sub who would like to be a slave(not changing the nic,please don't ask me to)In my mind to make that leap I need to be in love with Her,otherwise i am just a very pleasing sub...

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(in reply to TwoNYCDommes)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Love and BDSM - 7/22/2008 12:24:16 PM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline 		I think it varies for everyone and it can vary depending on the situation.  My first submissive loved me deeply and I her but she was not "in love" with me.  She was married and in love with her husband.  But her husband and she did not embrace a D/s relationship between themselves...he had a submissive and she had a dominant;  me.  As a matter of fact, at home, they were your "typical" vanilla types albeit with some interesting proclivities. 

I was in love with my second submissive and she with me.  Was the submission deeper than in the first instance?  That's a tricky question because sometimes, the being "in love" got in the way of both the submission and the dominance.  A mistake on my part...and less so, since I was the dominant one and the one in control...on hers.  Could I say the BDSM was better?  No.  My first partner was much more wide-ranging in her interests.

I won't go into my third LTR because it is a classic example of CD being too dumb and blind for his own friggin' good.

I've had several casual involvements where affection was present and the D/s and the BDSM was present and they were good but, for me anyway, they did not last long and could not have as I need and want something more to sustain the relationship...the emotional aspect has to evolve or I am in a relationship where I begin to feel...rightly or wrongly...like a technician of sorts.  Though a caveat here...note that these relationships contained at least affection.  Other than a one-time scene, I could not do BDSM with someone I felt nothing more than "like" for.  And I would not even try to dominate someone...in a D/s sense as we are speaking of...if I only liked them but did not really care about them other than as my play partner/temporary submissive.




< Message edited by CreativeDominant -- 7/22/2008 12:30:12 PM >

(in reply to Daddystouch)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Love and BDSM - 7/22/2008 12:39:16 PM   
silkncarol


Posts: 318
Status: offline 		I don't need to be "in love" with someone to submit as a bottom to them during play... but i've found over the years even though they've met a need i've had, they are not as fulfilling as a relationship based on affection, respect, attraction....i want the whole ball of wax to make it good...the mental, emotional and physical.  


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We attract hearts by the qualities we display. We retain them by the qualities we possess.

Shoes can change your life................. Cinderella

(in reply to CreativeDominant)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Love and BDSM - 7/22/2008 1:00:37 PM   
MzMia


Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

For me, they go together.  I can't imagine why I'd bother with being the Master without the love.  I also cannot imagine any kind of sexual interaction with someone I did not love.  That, of course, is just me.  It is certainly possible to construct relationships on a whole variety of vectors.  I think, more than anything, there needs to be some effective give and take and there needs to be some strong shared interests/goals.  The specifics of either of those is really up to the individual participants.  It's just for me, "love" is one of the necessary give/take items.  It's also my primary life goal.


I am going to go with this answer.
At this stage of the game, I need the full package.
I actually have little to no desire to even be a "Dominant partner" to someone I don't love.
If I did not need to love or have strong emotions for a submissive, I would consider being a Pro Dominant.
 
 I stopped having "casual sex" and casual relationships years ago.
I will also add, that many of the D/s activities that I love and crave are extremely
intimate/erotic/and certainly sexual, the idea of sharing my body and intimately enjoying
my submissive's does not appeal to ME, without the "love/relationship" card. 
The majority of my interests in this "lifestyle" are erotic and sexual in nature.
MzMia can actually be a dirty bird, that is how she likes to get down.
*I am on the side that feels a lot of wiitwd is sexual in nature.*
 As always,  to each their own. 

< Message edited by MzMia -- 7/22/2008 1:16:07 PM >

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain


What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Love and BDSM - 7/22/2008 2:19:47 PM   
MidMichCowboy


Posts: 665
Joined: 3/23/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MzMia

I am going to go with this answer.
At this stage of the game, I need the full package.


I guess this defines where I am in life. I have had some great relationships. I've screwed up some great relationships (I know what you mean CreativeDominant).
Some had affections, a couple had love.
Now, I'd like to have it all. I"m done with the casual and the public scening. I feel a need to build a retreat and sanctuary from the world. Not to avoid it, but to armor myself to handle it better. I'm looking for a lady to fill the holes in my soul and the ache in my heart.

OK, enough from an old barbarian.

I want it all too.

_____________________________

I want to capture your mind, your spirit, your soul, your body, your devotion and your love. Then, will I give you my heart.

(in reply to MzMia)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Love and BDSM - 7/22/2008 2:22:18 PM   
MzMia


Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline 		Damn it MidMichCowboy, we can have it all!!
Go for it!
Don't settle for anything less!


_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain


What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to MidMichCowboy)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Love and BDSM - 7/22/2008 3:58:04 PM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Daddystouch

Do you need to love someone to have a good BDSM relationship?

Unequivocally yes, speaking for me and Master Indigowolf says He loves me on His profile here......this slave keeps reading her Master's profile over and over again just to read the words....precious, profane and profound love.....profoundly happy slave.


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Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
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To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to Daddystouch)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Love and BDSM - 7/22/2008 4:43:19 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

Personally I believe that some type of emotional connection is necessary, but that's just me.


I very much agree with this comment.... and would add

An emotional connection does not necessarily mean Love in a romantic sense.  I would also add that the emotional connectin might not be specifically be to the person.. but the emotional connection that one has to the type of relationship structure that they desire.  Some I am sure "Love" the D/s or M/s structured relationship and finding someone that they are compatible with allows them to fill their emotional desires for these types of relationships.  I think it is safe to say that very few individuals are devoid of emotions in the relationships they have...  but type of emotions and what they are direct to can be very different from person to person.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 40
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