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I am not ok. - 7/16/2008 4:35:02 PM   
opposingtwilight


Posts: 684
Joined: 6/13/2008
Status: offline 		Everyone keeps asking, "Are you ok?"

I tell them, "Yes, I'm fine." And I smile ... As if everything is ok. As if I am ok.

I am not ok.

Five days ago my best friend commited suicide. She had been struggling with an eating disorder and body image issues and self injury and a million things that don't really matter that much anymore. I moved here to be near her. We were closer than sisters.

And now she is gone.

I am not ok.

I -want- to be ok. So if anyone has any advice or suggestions, please don't hold back.

Also, I'm not looking for pity or for people to tell me how sorry they are. Don't be sorry. That won't help me be ok. And no one here has anything to be sorry for.

I've been trying to keep busy but that isn't working as well as I'd hoped. Drinking just made me stupid for a while and then I got a headache and cried myself to sleep. Besides, I don't want to turn into an alchoholic over this.

So, anyway. Before I start rambling. Any ideas? Anyone?

Jokes are good too. If I'm laughing it means I'm ok for at least few seconds.


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RE: I am not ok. - 7/16/2008 4:45:30 PM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline 		I recommend "Survivors of Suicide" here.  It is for people who are left behind by those who commit suicide.

In the meantime, here's my joke:

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.

After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around.

She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this experiment?"

He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"

Cali



_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to opposingtwilight)
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RE: I am not ok. - 7/16/2008 4:45:39 PM   
WinsomeDefiance


Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline 		No, you are not ok...and you know what?  It is ok, to NOT be ok.  Allow yourself the freedom to be hurt, and angry, and confused and all the other myriad emotions that are all natural to the grieving process. 

Cry when you need to, laugh when you can and never let yourself feel guilty for being alive, and knowing joy.

Finally, just remember that people will find it very hard to know what to say, so try not to be too hard on them when they say stupid cliche' things that make you want to kick them. 

My heart goes out to you

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RE: I am not ok. - 7/16/2008 5:04:41 PM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline 		As Winsome said, it's okay to be "not okay".
 
It takes time to get okay. Eventually, the pain subsides, and the love and good memories will remain.
 
A couple of jokes for you:

A man walks outside to his car for work, when he notices a gorilla in his tree. He rushs to his phone book and finds the animal control number, calls and asks them to send over someone who''s a gorilla expert. When the man arrives, he is carrying a shotgun, a chihuahua and a pair of handcuffs. The man says,''''What are all of those for?'''' The animal control officer says, ''''I''ll climb up in the tree, knock the gorilla down, the dog will bite him in the nuts and you must slap the handcuffs on his wrists.'''' The man asks,''''What is the gun for?'''' The animal control officer responds, ''''If I fall first, you shoot the dog!''''''


A husband and wife entered the dentist''s office. The husband said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don''t want gas or Novocain because I''m in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.""You''re a brave man," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."The husband turns to his wife and says, "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."
 
This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he goes to his neighbor and asks him if he could buy a rooster for $100. The neighbor says, "You can have this rooster. His name''s Roy. He''ll get all your hens pregnant. He''s a real stud." So the farmer takes him home and says, "It''s your first day so take it slow, okay?" The farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears all the hens crying and yelling. Roy nailed every one of those hens and then nailed a duck and a goose at a pond. The next morning the farmer finds Roy lying dead with his legs sticking in the air and buzzards circling overhead. The farmer says, "Roy, did you have to die?" Roy says, "Quiet! They''re about to land!"
 
 



_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

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RE: I am not ok. - 7/16/2008 5:05:00 PM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		I have some thinking to do. If you dont mind, lets keep the conversation light.

I need some time to reflect, how about we talk later?

I really dont want to discuss that right now.

[person perists]  Oh look at the time, I need to get busy.

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RE: I am not ok. - 7/16/2008 5:09:02 PM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		I am having a REALLY BAD DAY!, lets NOT talk about it!   Next topic.

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Profile   Post #: 6
RE: I am not ok. - 7/16/2008 5:16:09 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		For the times when the anger is too great, shut yourself in your bedroom and beat the living hell out of your pillow. Screaming while doing this is also very helpful - and i am not kidding. I had a pair of "Hulk hands" that i used to beat up the wall when i got angry. Hitting something really helps.

I am sorry you are having to feel such pain.

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RE: I am not ok. - 7/16/2008 5:22:47 PM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		Hun, this is important.  Do NOT let anyone force you to talk about this... it MUST be on YOUR terms...  not the terms of others.

Silence is golden.

I recommend not making any major decissions for a year.

When my back injury was agonizing pain... I would say "I am taking a break" then go and lay down.  Things were cool so long as I verbalized soemthing to the effect that I needed space and now.

No one can undo this matter.

So it is what it is.  and here you are- here we are.

When in a crowd of people- I have exuced myself by saying "Im going to look around".

In the meantime- all the "if there is anything I can do"  crap...   have them drop in to my old house- and help me paint.   There are 40-50 gallons the need put on the old old walls.

The place could use a good cleaning, the vehicles too.  While there are things that need doing- the elctric bill and property tax bill came.  Brush the dog, clean the bird cage.  I expect you to wear a hula skirt while doing this and look forward to dueling yodlers.

Anyhow 12 rooms can be painted. I have the paint and the brushes...

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RE: I am not ok. - 7/16/2008 5:26:16 PM   
opposingtwilight


Posts: 684
Joined: 6/13/2008
Status: offline 		Cali, thank you for that site. And your joke tickled me. Thats gross but funny!

WinsomeDefiance, thank you for reminding me that its ok to be not ok. I'm usually bright and cheerful and I feel like some of my friends must be getting so sick of hearing me sniffle.

Thank you, Level. it took me a second to "get" the joke about Roy but it made me laugh out loud when I finally did.

pahunkboy, I'm not 100% for sure but are those things I should say to people when it gets awkward? If so, thank you for sharing them with me. I'll keep them in mind.

I love the idea of getting everyone to work for me when they keep asking if there is anything they can do. lol Thats terrible but kind of funny too. I know they mean well but sometimes I just wish they'd stop asking. Makes me feel like an ingrate to keep saying no.

kiwi, Hulk Hands?

< Message edited by opposingtwilight -- 7/16/2008 5:28:16 PM >

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RE: I am not ok. - 7/16/2008 5:27:13 PM   
HardcoreSlave4U


Posts: 7
Joined: 6/19/2008
Status: offline 		My mother committed suicide when I was 12.  It hit me hard because I was on the phone with her as she overdosed on pills and I was unaware.  For years I was angry.  Angry at myself that I let it happen.  Angry that she was so selfish.  Angry at the world.  I learned though that in the end she made the choice she thought was best and it wasn't my choice to make. 

I look at her and I look at myself and think of how much we are alike.  But we are also different.  She saw all those bad moments as nothing more than terrible events/thoughts/emotions.  I see everything bad that has happened in my life as a sculptor sees the pieces falling to the ground as they work on a masterpiece that will take years to create.  Those events, although they do not define who I am or what I am, they have taught me who I am, they have helped me discover myself.  Because of the hardship I have gone through I know that I am stronger and that I can handle anything that comes my way.

Do your best to stay away from alcohol or any other substance.  They will just act as depressants and if you are using them to escape reality which is addictive behavior.  Keep busy but don't do it to run.  You may not feel like it but surround yourself with people; even if they put just one smile on your face right now then they have succeeded at something.  Go to a diner and have a cup of coffee. 

But remember in the end its okay to not be okay.  You just lost someone extremely close to you and it hurts, as it should.  Don't make the mistake of avoiding that pain.  Cry, scream, hit a pillow do whatever but let it out.  Holding it in just hurts you.

(in reply to pahunkboy)
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RE: I am not ok. - 7/16/2008 5:32:38 PM   
ominousdominus


Posts: 445
Joined: 8/26/2007
Status: offline 		I wouldn't be ok either.....

Here- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_d_Nv1UaG4U

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Caution: frequently an asshole and suffers from a personality akin to a wolverine on PCP.-

Prolific Profile Perver-

Your Safety word is.......Kvennafræðarin

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RE: I am not ok. - 7/16/2008 5:46:38 PM   
steviboy


Posts: 1
Joined: 7/13/2008
Status: offline 		Dear opposingtwilight

I feel for you and the only thing that will help is time, grieve all you want ,cry when you feel down, and soon it will ease ,but

You will never forget , with kind regards steve

(in reply to ominousdominus)
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RE: I am not ok. - 7/16/2008 5:50:29 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline 		Hey Dawn!  A riddle........

What is Heck?









It's where you go if....
you don't believe in Gosh!

oh, and.... you have mail


_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

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RE: I am not ok. - 7/16/2008 5:55:48 PM   
Nikolette


Posts: 488
Joined: 10/2/2004
Status: offline 		opposingtwilight: The thing that helped me, the most in dealing with close family deaths (as I would consider this) was writing a eulogy. I personally chose to speak my eulogy publicly and tell the world something important about the peron I lost. I represented her when she was gone. And it helped me so much to heal and process my feelings right then. I understood I didn't have to let go of her, that she'd still be with me, with the blessings she passed to me.

When I was 8 my much older brother commited suicide and through a strange fluke, I really felt responsible for his death and suffered for years at the loss of him. If you think you might be similiarly afflicted with that sense of responsibility, I'd urge you to talk to people about that in your area so you can come to some sense of peace about it. Personally, I wrote a letter to him, and to my little self and that helped me a lot to let go of it. That may not be relevant here.

Other things that help me when dealing with loss: Being alone with a journal, outside. This is very much different that being alone inside, at least to me.

Swimming away the pain. Water is theraputic to me.

Hugs.

Letting out sorrow and frustration at the loss, by crying, painting, freaking out on fruit, running, listening to GoodBye music, talking to the deceased about my feelings...

... I know you didn't want to hear just how sorry people are: But I know personally how it is to lose someone that close, and how it is to lose people from suicide and I AM sorry. I wish I could give you the hug previously mentioned instead of just typing this crap out.



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"You must be the change you wish to see in the world." ---Mahatma Gandhi

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RE: I am not ok. - 7/16/2008 6:20:06 PM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		*hugs* OT...

I can only echo the reminder that it is ok to not be ok...

if you need to vent to someone feel free to mail me on the other side....


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polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

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Profile   Post #: 15
RE: I am not ok. - 7/16/2008 6:26:01 PM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		"if theres anything I can do"   I avoid saying that.  To me, it is fake.  6 months later- the person doesnt recall or doesnt want bothered.


My best friend has a good line.   Say he is doing a task... he says "you said you wanted to help".    [regardless of weather that was ever said]  the calculation is that a % of people wont argue it and start to do the task.  Then if one verbalizes that they did not say they would help- it is like announcing "I am a jerk"  so- it is a tactic that has worked for him.  

If you really do need something- that is reasonable- what the heck- verbalize it.    You know..an item that you- [if you were the onlooker] wouldnt mind doing to help someone out.

You know Dawn, I am mad at her for this. I dont know her.   The old next door neighbor from when I was a kid had killed himself.  We were fishing buddies.  Well he married my witch cousin PAtty-- who was not good enough for him.  She was cheating on him and wanted a divorce. She later went on the spend the life insurance proceeds on the new boyfriend! He parked in the garage that he built.  Left the van running. CLutching a bible. His mom in the house did not find him for 3 days.  She was a nutso.  At my dads funeral she was elated _!!  all happy that he went home to Jesus!!!!   I hated her for that.   My brother M, had gotten a call from Rick and Rick was all depressed but M thought it was no big thing.  Then my brother E, "got to" clean the body  residue moton from the van seats.   We would all go out on his boat on lake Michigan - we had great times.   Rick was cremated and dumped onto the lake- so it isnt possible to visit a grave.    http://www.findagrave.com/   <--- I have logged family members onto this. It is an online grave site.

I wish I could make it go away.  All of us, any of us, those of us- well what I mean is if one lives long enough- then we know someone close who passed.  My grandmother is the last one left out of 10 brothers-sisters-spouses.    She isnt too joyous.   Her mind is slipping - so that is hard-..it is like the part of her that was a cool buddy is stolen.

(in reply to Nikolette)
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RE: I am not ok. - 7/16/2008 6:43:48 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline 		I've been on CollarMe for over a year now, and I've made over 1,400 posts.  My favorite thread during that entire time is that awful, horrible, now-locked-down Time Bandit thread.  Why?  Because I got to know Dawn as a result of that thread.  We've talked, and I'd like to tell everyone what a wonderful person she is.  She is compassionate, hilarious, a talented photographer, and she has good business sense too.

Dawn, I think you are a strong person, and I'm glad I know you.  This might sound weird, but your friend's death hurting so much is a good thing -- it shows how much you care about other people.  She was lucky to have you in her life.


_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

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Profile   Post #: 17
RE: I am not ok. - 7/16/2008 6:44:36 PM   
Termyn8or


Posts: 18681
Joined: 11/12/2005
Status: offline 		You are not OK, but that's OK. It takes time. I knew two people who committed suicide and one of them was close enough that I was not OK for a time. And two people who were quite close died by misadventure, and to me that is suspect. Nobody can say or do anything to make you OK. Just take your time and don't expect miracles overnight.

And even when you are OK, you will never forget.

And don't think of your friend in a derogatory way, people say shit like it is the cowards way out and all that bullshit. Don't buy into it. You may hurt, but what the hell were they thinking when they finally did it ? What kind of emotional pain were they going through that they simply could not handle it anymore ? Explore that, because whether understanding helps or not, it does not hurt. You that is......

Sorry I don't have anything good in the way of jokes. Actually I do have a couple but they would not be well recieved here.

This is not good, but it shall pass. Just like a normal death, you never forget. That position, when you can remember and talk about it, without breaking down that is, you have got it.

I remember one of the last days I saw Rich. We were partying after work, a few beers and all that and there somehow got to be a wrestling match. I poured a beer over his head, mainly as punishment for making me spill it, that is alcohol abuse. I then got him in a headlock and soon thereafter things calmed down. He claimed I won because I spilled beer over his head and I retorted "Bullshit, that is not a wrestling move".

I have lost alot of people, and I think at too young an age, but I am OK now, and you will be too.

I can't say a damn thing that would help you and neither can anyone else, but I do have one suggestion. It might be good for you to tell us about your friend. What kind of problems, what kind of life ? What happened ?

Here, you are as anonymous as you want to be. So is your friend. Just an idea. Sometimes when I type a question I find my own answer. Could happen. I think it's worth a try. Even if noone responds, knowing that millions of people can see it is, well, a bit different.

T

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Profile   Post #: 18
RE: I am not ok. - 7/16/2008 6:51:05 PM   
slvemike4u


Posts: 17896
Joined: 1/15/2008
From: United States
Status: offline 		Opposingtwilight as you have been told ,it is fine to not be alright.All who have lost recover, from that loss on a schedule not of their choosing,throw suicide and all it's attending and conflicting emotions into the mix and You are in for a roller coaster of emotional turmoil.Know you don't want to hear that but I have been there,my father
killed himself at the grand old age of 47.
  There will be the emotional blame game where you and all around you will feel somehow responsible or negligent and than comes the anger when you simply hate the deceased for leaving you like that...all of these and more are I am sorry to say in your immediate future...stay in the moment ,feel what you are feeling process each step as it comes.Blocking and refusing to deal will just get you stuck in that particular stage...I know this isn't what You asked for and I am sorry for being blunt not to mention coming up short on the joke thing...so sorry for your loss and my prayers are with you and the surviving family members

_____________________________

If we want things to stay as they are,things will have to change...Tancredi from "the Leopard"

Forget Guns-----Ban the pools

Funny stuff....https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNwFf991d-4


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Profile   Post #: 19
RE: I am not ok. - 7/16/2008 7:05:33 PM   
afterforever


Posts: 315
Joined: 6/12/2008
From: Belfast, NI
Status: offline 		My parents committed suicide when I was 7, and my little brother was 5. So maybe not that helpful here because I didn't deal with it in adult ways (drinking for example obviously not an option), and childhood memories can fade pretty fast, especially when you have new foster families and looking after the brother to worry about. But I definitely agree with Nikolette on the swimming thing, luckily I took a lot of lessons before then and belonged to a club that let me train everyday with the older kids. Underwater, no one can hear you scream, and water in the eyes is a great excuse. You can thrash the water and exhaust yourself enough to sleep for a while, or you can empty your mind and just concentrate on the stroke. Eventually I found it soothing.

Oh, and now I'm ok again. I know saying time heals all wounds is a horrible cliche, but nonetheless true.

< Message edited by afterforever -- 7/16/2008 7:08:17 PM >

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