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Do you believe in second chances? - 7/7/2008 10:02:13 PM   
Lockit


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I mentioned on another thread, asking others if they ever gave someone a second chance and if they were sorry. I learned after going through a lot of drama with family and other's, to know when to give a second chance and when not to. On the thread, someone who's post I love to read because I love the way she looks at things and balances them said a lot of great things about second chances. 

I know that we all make mistakes or do actual wrong and a second chance would be nice to have. But what in your all's minds constitutes something or a situation or in how someone act's, worthy of a second chance or not? Have you ever given a second chance to someone and were you sorry you did? Have you ever been given a second chance and saw the error of your ways and made it worth it to the one that gave you a second chance?
 
There was that lying man who I forgave because I loved him and thought I needed to give a second chance to since we had a family I wanted to save. I will forever be sorry in the fact I did because it was stupid to do so. He lied about women and his activities with co workers. He ended up curving my spine during his second chance and it was guilt he was feeling and angry about. He had never touched me before that. And the women continued. I was sorry!

Then while directing the shelter, I accused someone of stealing and she wasn't guilty. She looked very guilty, but I found out a month later that she wasn't. Because I had to have a hard stance on theft and she had access to it when no one else did, I couldn't see how it was done any other way. I never could find her to try to say I was sorry and find a way to make it up to her somehow.  So I know how it is to not have a second chance.

For me, if someone is very humble, very sorry and takes every action they can make to change... I will give a chance. But most lying I cannot tolerate or accept.
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RE: Do you believe in second chances? - 7/7/2008 10:26:05 PM   
slaveboyforyou


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From: Arkansas, U.S.A.
Status: offline 		I am a VERY forgiving person, and it backfires on me sometimes and sometimes it doesn't.  I learned forgiveness from growing up in my family.  You wouldn't survive in my family if you hold grudges or couldn't forgive.  We say the meanest, nastiest things to each other in arguments.  When I say "mean and nasty things", I really mean that.  I have to warn people when they meet my family, especially my father's side.  But everytime we have those arguments, it's forgotten within a couple of hours. 

I have never held a grudge against anyone in my life; I've always been willing to forgive.  When I forgive someone, it's done.  I don't ever want it brought up again, and I completely forget about it.  When I accept an apology or forgive someone, the matter is over with.  I don't want to talk about it again, and I don't want the person to ever feel guilty about it again.  I have a real hard time understanding people that don't do that.  A phrase that I absolutely despise is, "I can forgive, but I can't forget."  Well that's just plain horse shit.  When you forgive someone; you are supposed to treat them with the same courtesy and respect you gave them before the incident(s) occurred.  The word "forgive" means exactly that; you GIVE the person the same trust, respect, and courtesy as BEFORE.  If you can't do that, than you haven't forgiven that person. 

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RE: Do you believe in second chances? - 7/7/2008 10:32:13 PM   
LadyHibiscus


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From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		I am not a grudge holder.  At least, I don't THINK I am.  I know that I never, ever forget.  In my family, we wouldn't survive as a family if we didn't just keep moving on, and pretend that the horrible things weren't said, that the horrible actions weren't done.  My dad knows that he has pushed the envelope with me about as far as he can go, and you can tell, when he talks to me. 

I really do not forgive.  I don't apologize all that much, either, though if I make a mistake I am right up there trying to make things right.   I just move on, and remember, because that action you "forgave" can come back and bite you in the snoot if you ignore the pattern.   No point in spreading guilt or blame, there is always plenty to go around.

On another thread on this topic, I said that I generally stay in toxic relationships longer than I should, so that by the time things are over, there is no room for a second chance, just ENDING.   Guess it's a function of so many years of swimming in poison. 

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RE: Do you believe in second chances? - 7/7/2008 11:19:07 PM   
camille65


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Status: offline 		Its a struggle to come up with my ever not having given a second chance to someone. Of course I give second chances, that is a huge part of who I am.

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RE: Do you believe in second chances? - 7/8/2008 12:37:13 AM   
Vendaval


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Status: offline 		Hello Lockit,
 
The possibility I will give someone a second chance has much to do with whether or not the behavior was intentional.  We all do make mistakes in the heat of the moment or when not thinking clearly.  Some people make that a habit and refuse to admit they have a problem, others work hard to over come their weaknesses.  Also a part of the consideration process is whether or not giving someone a second chance will jeopardize myself or someone close to me.

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RE: Do you believe in second chances? - 7/8/2008 2:06:55 AM   
ownedgirlie


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Status: offline 		It depends what the issue is, regarding second chances.  Some errors deserve second chances and some don't.  I typically give second chances to friends and family.  If they blow it again I don't necessarily consider the second chance a mistake; rather, I consider it confirmation of my decision to be done.

I've been given a second chance now and then, and I'm grateful for that.

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RE: Do you believe in second chances? - 7/8/2008 4:21:54 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		Yes, second chances - any chances no matter the number can work.  However it is important to realise that the 'chance' may not with you, but with someone else.
 
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RE: Do you believe in second chances? - 7/8/2008 4:29:46 AM   
sirsholly


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

 
There was that lying man who I forgave because I loved him and thought I needed to give a second chance to since we had a family I wanted to save. I will forever be sorry in the fact I did because it was stupid to do so.


Rather than being so hard on yourself for giving him a second chance perhaps you should look at it as a 'what if' situation.
If you had not given him a second chance you might have spent the rest of your life wondering 'what if...'


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RE: Do you believe in second chances? - 7/8/2008 5:07:39 AM   
Maya2001


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From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
Status: offline 		I still give second chances but stop after that ,  I used to do third and fourth chances as well but learned it is not worth it

of course depends on what took place and who we are taking about


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RE: Do you believe in second chances? - 7/8/2008 5:31:42 AM   
housesub4you


Posts: 1879
Joined: 4/2/2008
Status: offline 		Hmmm.... Well I would have to say I give people a second chance.  But not much more.  I know in my life there have been people who gave me a second chance and without that life would have been very different. 


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RE: Do you believe in second chances? - 7/8/2008 6:49:49 AM   
sambamanslilgirl


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From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline 		i may forgive however i won't forget.

so getting a second chance from me is next to impossible.  

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RE: Do you believe in second chances? - 7/8/2008 7:02:48 AM   
hizgeorgiapeach


Posts: 1672
Status: offline 		Like SLG, I forgive but don't expect me to forget - ever.
 
As for second chances - I used to give people second chances.  I don't any longer because I've learned the folly of giving such.  People don't Improve with a second chance - they simply learn where the line is drawn and push right Up to the line rather than Past it.

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RE: Do you believe in second chances? - 7/8/2008 7:12:56 AM   
cjan


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Status: offline 		Lockit, listen to your heart as well as your head.

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RE: Do you believe in second chances? - 7/8/2008 7:32:00 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline 		Ultimately no, I don't give second chances; at least not to those who I've trusted and allowed to be close enough to me to hurt me. I don't give anyone a second chance to do that.

Casually or in business sure - you almost have to. However those relationships don't involve the depth of trust that I give, and expect to get, when intimacy is shared. When a sliver of doubt replaces trust, it is like contracting cancer. You can cut out the tumor, take chemo, but one cell can still kill you. Why risk it? Why set yourself up for paranoia? What confidence do you have that a second chance doesn't set up precedent for a 3rd chance or 4th, 5th? What confidence can you have at all?

Humans don't forget. Second chances set up victims and martyrs. Do it enough and the definition of 'doormat' comes into play. There is a sense of devaluing yourself. Or in some cases, people can't wait to give a 2nd chance just to have the upper hand on the partner. In any event, the main reason 2nd chances in relationships don't work is because the focus is moved from the relationship to self; the self hurt or the self who did the hurting.

The bottom line is broken trust can not be put back together. On a sliding scale of life relationships, the deeper the trust the less likely of a happy ending given the 2nd chance.

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RE: Do you believe in second chances? - 7/8/2008 2:27:23 PM   
Vendaval


Posts: 10297
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline 		Very well stated, Merc. 

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth
The bottom line is broken trust can not be put back together. On a sliding scale of life relationships, the deeper the trust the less likely of a happy ending given the 2nd chance.


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"Beware, the woods at night, beware the lunar light.
So in this gray haze we'll be meating again, and on that
great day, I will tease you all the same."
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RE: Do you believe in second chances? - 7/8/2008 3:58:21 PM   
PanthersMom


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From: Cleveland Ohio
Status: offline 		i learned the hard way, a second chance is not always the best thing to do.  use your best judgement.  does that person truly deserve it?  it's a nice idea, but sometimes things do not turn out well, sometimes they turn out worse than before.
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RE: Do you believe in second chances? - 7/8/2008 7:40:39 PM   
Owner59


Posts: 17033
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Yes.One,.. second chance.

For some reason,if I think someone has fucked me,I can`t really ever fully forget about it.

Of course,with sincere contrition,there`s always room to forgive.I fuck up too and when I do,I`m about the business of making it right.

But if someone`s deliberately lied to me and/or stole from me,that`s pretty much it.

My younger brother has used up his 2nd,3rd,4th and so on,plus everyone else`s 2nd chances,with me.

Drugs are more powerful than integrity,friends,love,family,one`s dignity and pride.The hunger for drugs makes those things seem meaningless and worthless.

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RE: Do you believe in second chances? - 7/8/2008 8:57:27 PM   
FangsNfeet


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Status: offline 		In most cases, I give second chances. However, though forgiven, never forgotten.

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RE: Do you believe in second chances? - 7/8/2008 9:06:48 PM   
chickpea


Posts: 446
Joined: 8/3/2005
From: Los Angeles Area
Status: offline 		I'd give a second chance to someone who was (1) honestly sorry and (2) knows what they did wrong and focused on acting differently.  If circumstances beyond their control prevented the second time from happening, then a third chance may be allowed.  Just play it by ear...

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RE: Do you believe in second chances? - 7/8/2008 9:34:06 PM   
Daddysredhead


Posts: 23574
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From: Northern (yet still part of the South) Virginia
Status: offline 		Yes, I believe in second chances.  I hate grudge-holding and would want the same chance if I messed something up.

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