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Talking about being a sub with my therapist... - 7/3/2008 11:04:38 PM

dollparts85

Posts: 1233
Joined: 10/22/2006
From: NY
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I love my therapist. He's really funny and makes a lot of jokes. But I always get uncomfy talking about D/s and anything sexual with him. LOL I worry what he thinks of me...and such...like he's going to think I'm a slut or something. Do you think being submissive is something I really need to talk with him about? He always makes jokes if I mention something about it...like says I should be a Domme...haha...

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"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes its the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I will try again tomorrow"

Post #: 1

RE: Talking about being a sub with my therapist... - 7/3/2008 11:17:55 PM

Vestonika

Posts: 95
Joined: 12/23/2007
Status: offline

wow, sounds like doc needs a SPANKY for being a bad boi!!

quote:

ORIGINAL: dollparts85

I love my therapist. He's really funny and makes a lot of jokes. But I always get uncomfy talking about D/s and anything sexual with him. LOL I worry what he thinks of me...and such...like he's going to think I'm a slut or something. Do you think being submissive is something I really need to talk with him about? He always makes jokes if I mention something about it...like says I should be a Domme...haha...

(in reply to dollparts85)

Post #: 2

RE: Talking about being a sub with my therapist... - 7/4/2008 1:01:25 AM

pompeii

Posts: 934
Joined: 1/4/2007
From: Silicon Valley, San Jose, California
Status: offline

Does he bind you to the couch?

(in reply to dollparts85)

Post #: 3

RE: Talking about being a sub with my therapist... - 7/4/2008 1:09:20 AM

SweetNika

Posts: 955
Joined: 4/19/2008
From: Forest Hills, Maryland
Status: offline

I had this same dilema awhile back but then I realized if I am not honest with my therapist there was no point in me being there. If his joking makes you uncomfy or feel like he isn't respecting what your telling him as his patient you need to make him aware of that IMO. Mine used to doodle and write during our sessions which drove me nuts but until I told her she had no idea the moment I did she explained she was taking notes but b/c it bothered me she stopped doing it.

Blessed be,
Nika

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Blessed be,
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(in reply to pompeii)

Post #: 4

RE: Talking about being a sub with my therapist... - 7/4/2008 1:20:53 AM

candystripper

Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dollparts85

I love my therapist. He's really funny and makes a lot of jokes. But I always get uncomfy talking about D/s and anything sexual with him. LOL I worry what he thinks of me...and such...like he's going to think I'm a slut or something. Do you think being submissive is something I really need to talk with him about? He always makes jokes if I mention something about it...like says I should be a Domme...haha...

This is a bad thing, dollpart. IMO your therapist almost certainly has 'issues' with D/s or with sex in general.

Being submissive is incredibly difficult and requires lots of introspection. You should feel as free to explore this aspect of yourself in therapy as you would any other.

I'd either address his past inappropriate comments head-on or -- more likely -- find a kink-aware therapist. I have a bias in favor of same sex therapists, but that's just me.

If you're restricted by a 'provider network' and cannot get a 'kink-aware' MD to make a referral, then, when calling for a first appointment just ask the receptionist whether the therapist is 'kink-aware'. Chances are, if the receptionist has no clue what you're talking about, neither will the therapist.

Best wishes,

candystripper

(in reply to dollparts85)

Post #: 5

RE: Talking about being a sub with my therapist... - 7/4/2008 1:34:45 AM

joyinslavery

Posts: 955
Joined: 6/21/2005
Status: offline

Maybe he's a frustrated sub (???).

Tell him you're a pro and charge $200 an hour (any of you pro's feel free to speak up here...More? Less?) And NO, all you 'tribute' dommes DON'T count (but then again, do you ever?).

This might help recoup some of the money outlayed for your 'sessions' with this guy. Have your cake and eat it too. YOU (and only you) deserve it. Whip his ass. He gives you the mental counseling and you give him the physical.

Come to think of it...$300 an hour.

Have fun.

< Message edited by joyinslavery -- 7/4/2008 1:58:59 AM >

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(in reply to dollparts85)

Post #: 6

RE: Talking about being a sub with my therapist... - 7/4/2008 6:46:41 AM

lovingpet

Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline

If you feel the need to talk about your submission, then it is relavant. There is likely something to be discovered from further investigation. To be perfectly honest, this therapist seems to be flirting with you rather than providing the therapy you are paying for. I am in agreement that a same sex therapist is a good start to being able to discuss sexual matters more openly. Further, try to find a kink-aware therapist if you can, but don't be surprised if many of them are not out to the world, especially with regard to her career. Many of us have found it safer to keep that area private, and so will many of them. Seek referrals from your local BDSM community if you have one. Otherwise, do not accept unprofessional conduct from a therapist and be aware of any bias she may have. It may take time to find a therapist that is a good fit due to your proclivities, but it will be worth it when you begin to be able to open up and explore ALL aspects of your life and not just the superficial.

Best wishes sweetie!

lovingpet

(in reply to joyinslavery)

Post #: 7

RE: Talking about being a sub with my therapist... - 7/4/2008 7:06:13 AM

persephonee

Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
Status: offline

~FAST REPLY~
i was in therapy during my relationship with D, while we were trying to get pregnant via AI. He was a very good therapist but i could tell that any time i brought up my relationship, his reactions indicated that he was a touch uncomfortable-read: turned on, by my lesbianism. i tried to avoid the subject at first, but since our relationship's strength was part of the reason for the therapy, i had to confront him. i allowed him to ask questions on a personal level and he had a few typical vanilla-straight man-married too long questions....once i answered them and basically popped the bubble on his preconceived porn-based fantasies of what our life together was, we were able to move past it and get to the point of the sessions.
Would i choose a therapist who had issues with homosexuality? No. Did i see the problem and address it? Yes. Did i want my money back for the half session i spent explaining that "no one is the husband in a lesbian relationship"? Hell yes. Did i get my money back? No.....
Point being, in order to get what a person needs from a theraputic interaction, honesty has to be complete. Its difficult to admit to any part of your life that you somehow find shameful or that you feel will be judged in a negative way....but it must be done. Kink friendly professionals are out there...nothing new to add to that from this girl.

~edit to add...i am NOT suggesting that you or anyone reading this comment has ANYTHING shameful in their lives...AT ALL.

~also, in my local community there are groups set up like a submissives forum or a Masters Circle that meet to discuss issues directly related to D/s. Does your community offer any of these things? If not, could you get together with some others and change that?

peace

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And You can carry me away....if You want to. ~Kasey Chambers

E*Whore, extraordinaire....

Nothing is exactly as it seems~Nor, is it otherwise.

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 8

RE: Talking about being a sub with my therapist... - 7/4/2008 7:11:37 AM

ProtagonistLily

Posts: 1222
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

quote:

ORIGINAL: dollparts85

I love my therapist. He's really funny and makes a lot of jokes. But I always get uncomfy talking about D/s and anything sexual with him. LOL I worry what he thinks of me...and such...like he's going to think I'm a slut or something. Do you think being submissive is something I really need to talk with him about? He always makes jokes if I mention something about it...like says I should be a Domme...haha...

This is a bad thing, dollpart. IMO your therapist almost certainly has 'issues' with D/s or with sex in general.

Being submissive is incredibly difficult and requires lots of introspection. You should feel as free to explore this aspect of yourself in therapy as you would any other.

I'd either address his past inappropriate comments head-on or -- more likely -- find a kink-aware therapist. I have a bias in favor of same sex therapists, but that's just me.

If you're restricted by a 'provider network' and cannot get a 'kink-aware' MD to make a referral, then, when calling for a first appointment just ask the receptionist whether the therapist is 'kink-aware'. Chances are, if the receptionist has no clue what you're talking about, neither will the therapist.

Best wishes,

candystripper

I totally agree with this. I have, in the past, felt that the dynamics in my relationship with Him have been relevant in a therapy setting, and I have discussed this dynamic with the therapist.

I began the conversation with "So tell me Mike, how familiar are you with alternative lifestyles?" It was a pretty broad question, but allowed me to assess his body language and level of understanding before I dove right in. Like you, I liked my therapist, and it can sometimes take a while to find someone you click with. I wanted this topic to be as easy to discuss as any of the other topics we'd introduced were, and I felt that I had a responsibility in introducing it in a way that wasn't going to be weird, if you know what I mean.

He probed me about 'alternative' lifestyles and what I meant, and I eased him into the topic of D/s relationship. I didn't feel he needed to know the 'play' aspects but more from the D/s-M/s dynamic, so I stuck to that. I spent about 15 minutes 'tutoring' him on what I meant, asked him to tell me what he thought he heard, and I was satisfied that while he may not be very versed in BDSM, he was certainly kink friendly.

Your guy sounds like he's not so open, or that he's uncomfortable with the topic. If YOU feel that you need to discuss it in therapy, then you do. It doesn't matter what we think, or even what your therapist thinks. And if his attitude is preventing you from exploring that part of you, it may be time to seek out someone else.

You indicate you are from NY - If you are in the city, you may want to contact the The Eulenspiegel Society and ask them if they have a list of kink-friendly therapists in the Metro NY area.
Good Luck,

PL

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~Dr. Seuss~

(in reply to candystripper)

Post #: 9

RE: Talking about being a sub with my therapist... - 7/4/2008 7:12:22 AM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

my therapist was gay and male, and when i discovered that i was turned on by my submission, he was the one that informed me that there was a world of info on the internet. He didn't tell me to look it up or persue it , he just gave me the info.
and when i wanted to talk about it, we did.

be honest with your therapist. If this is something you need to talk about, and it is a big thing, then talk to him. if you don't like what he is saying , say so. Your relationship with your therapist is supposed to be one where you can be totally honest and be accepted, and if he can't, then you need to know about it sooner than later. At the very start of my therapy, i realised that i could dance around with the truth or i could put it out there. I chose to put it out there and see what happened. It was a decision that i have never regreted, even though at times it was very hard for me to get the words out of my mouth.

ultitmately, my relationship with my therapist is what set me free from my past, and for you to get the same benefit, you need to do what you need to do. after all you are paying him the money.

good luck - hugs, and let us know what happens when/if you talk to him about this - please

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 10

RE: Talking about being a sub with my therapist... - 7/4/2008 7:41:13 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

If your BDSM desires is affected by or affects what you are in therapy for, get this book and give it to your therapist first before you bring it up with him.

http://www.amazon.com/When-Someone-You-Love-Kinky/dp/1890159239/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1215182365&sr=8-4

Ask him to read it and then schedule a session where you just discuss your concerns about bringing this up to him.

If he continues to make jokes or attempts to steer you into seeing your Ds desires as a problem.... walk away.

After all, regardless of how much you like him, he is NOT your friend, he is your employee,your doctor, and it is part of your job to find the best therapist for all parts of you.

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Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to dollparts85)

Post #: 11

RE: Talking about being a sub with my therapist... - 7/4/2008 7:46:42 AM

sambamanslilgirl

Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline

*sighs in relief*

don't think my Doctor (Daddy) would be able to help you

mho

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(in reply to dollparts85)

Post #: 12

RE: Talking about being a sub with my therapist... - 7/4/2008 7:47:39 AM

Aileen1968

Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline

I think it's extremely unprofessional for a therapist to make jokes about that. I'd get another therapist.

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Post #: 13

RE: Talking about being a sub with my therapist... - 7/4/2008 7:48:15 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

edited cause I misread...

dollparts.. I'm with the 'be honest with him' school of thought. Therapy isnt always comfortable. but as someone said, DO tell him that the joking does bother you. Chances are he will ask you t think about WHY it does. This may be an issue you need to address.

just my opinion of course...lol

< Message edited by GreedyTop -- 7/4/2008 7:59:20 AM >

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RE: Talking about being a sub with my therapist... - 7/4/2008 7:50:17 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

Usually therapists speak for a specific reason. I wonder if he's trying to draw something out by making those comments/jokes.

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RE: Talking about being a sub with my therapist... - 7/4/2008 7:53:52 AM

IdiotMale

Posts: 132
Joined: 10/5/2005
Status: offline

I wonder if it's wrong of me to have the fantasy of going to a really hot therapist and discussing my submissive nature with her,only to have her cruelly dominate me at our therapy sessions...? :)

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 16

RE: Talking about being a sub with my therapist... - 7/4/2008 7:54:02 AM

TermsConditions

Posts: 446
Joined: 11/13/2007
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Regardless of the school of thought SEX is a big player in psychotherapy. A therapist that is uncomfortable talking about sex is limited and limiting. It's would be like seeing a family doctor that does not consider viruses and modern germ theory in treatment. A little bizarre and somewhat unprofessional, I think.

I began therapy to better understand my subbish nature and I chose a kink-aware professional. The first phase of our work has been about self-awareness and communication and not really about kink at all.

Recent conversations are moving into more specifics of my subbish nature and it is very helpful to work with someone who knows the nomenclature and understands (much better than I do) the range of roles, modes, and motivations of the D/s spectrum.

Google Kink Aware Professionals and you'll get a link to the ncfreedom website. You might find some good info there and a list of kink aware professionals in your area.

Being able to reveal your whole self to your therapist is very important. You are paying him. He's the professional who is bound by law to maintain your confidentiality. How is he going to work with you effectively and efficiently if you feel like you have to hold back information?

Therapy is a big commitment of time and money on your part and you deserve the best. Don't compromise for less.

_____________________________

TnC
Married, Novice Subbish-Type Person
and rider of the Drama Llama.

(in reply to dollparts85)

Post #: 17

RE: Talking about being a sub with my therapist... - 7/4/2008 7:54:24 AM

JillSpade

Posts: 19
Joined: 5/29/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dollparts85

I love my therapist. He's really funny and makes a lot of jokes. But I always get uncomfy talking about D/s and anything sexual with him. LOL I worry what he thinks of me...and such...like he's going to think I'm a slut or something. Do you think being submissive is something I really need to talk with him about? He always makes jokes if I mention something about it...like says I should be a Domme...haha...

It's a small world, yes? Hi, Doll.

He shouldn't be making jokes about something you obviously wish to talk about. Get someone else, or ask him to stop making jokes. I know you're limited in your options, in regards to who you see.

< Message edited by JillSpade -- 7/4/2008 7:56:14 AM >

_____________________________

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With a passion for us we could not return?
If equal affection cannot be,
Let the more loving one be me."

-Excerpt from 'The more loving one', by W. H. Auden

(in reply to dollparts85)

Post #: 18

RE: Talking about being a sub with my therapist... - 7/4/2008 7:55:49 AM

dcnovice

Posts: 37282
Joined: 8/2/2006
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<fast reply>

If you do decide to seek another therapist, you may want to check out the Kink-Aware Professionals site.

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No matter how cynical you become,
it's never enough to keep up.

JANE WAGNER, THE SEARCH FOR SIGNS OF
INTELLIGENT LIFE IN THE UNIVERSE

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 19

RE: Talking about being a sub with my therapist... - 7/4/2008 8:02:19 AM

wandersalone

Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

Usually therapists speak for a specific reason. I wonder if he's trying to draw something out by making those comments/jokes.

I am wondering the same thing. I use humour at times with clients whom I have been seeing for a while and it can sometimes be used to great effect to address an uncomfortable topic.... of course I do not use it when talking about a traumatic experience and I would only ever use it if I felt very confident about how that person would react. My natural style is to inject humour into a lot of situations and I will be honest in admitting that it can also be used very effectively to create some discomfort during the counselling process to encourage further reflection.

I would actually discuss this with him at your next session. Let him know that you have noticed that he makes jokes when you discuss your submissiveness and also that you feel uncomfortable when discussing it with him. It really is important to let him know about any concerns you have as these can impact upon the benefit you get from counselling. If you don't feel comfortable with his replies start looking for someone else. I hope it all goes well for you.

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(in reply to KatyLied)

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