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chickpea -> RE: How to say not interested... (7/2/2008 12:06:50 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: LushLadyLilith
I think that the best way is to say, "I like you, but the chemistry just isn't there."
It's difficult to argue with this- either it's there or it isn't; chemistry is a mystery, and no one has control over it. And...hey! It's true! If the person is oblivious enough to argue with you, use an assertiveness skill called "the broken record technique." It's simple (thought not necessarily easy) with only four components.
1. Establish direct eye contact (stare at the part of the nose right between the eyes if it's easier)
2. Maintain a calm tone and a mild expression
3. Keep repeating your "bottom line" like a broken record, e.g., "I'm sorry- it just won't work."
The other person will "up the ante", trying to upset you or get you to engage in a discussion/argument (because they can tell very quickly that they are going to lose when you use this technique). AT ALL COSTS AND NO MATTER HOW YOU FEEL, DO NOT RAISE YOUR VOICE OR SAY ANYTHING OTHER THAN YOUR BOTTOM LINE. They'll get the message . Just be aware that the challenge of using this method is tolerating the other person's anger or attempts to sidetrack you. They do this because they know that if you hold your position, they're doomed.
This also works well with children and drunks.
Lilith
I think that's a pretty adult way to do it. Clear, calm, and giving your last bit of respect. Say this is the end. And say a short and sweet summary explaination if the reason isn't clear. After you say that, as clear as day, and they keep trying to call, etc... just say, I'm not interested. They will get the point sooner or later. I did that with a guy once, and he called me a bitch. Then he kept trying to call, and I kept ignoring me. One other guy said, "oh okay, i was just using you anyway." LOL and then he was hoping we'd still be fuck friends, by waiting for me to call as friends and then hopefully we'd end up fucking. I noticed this, then stopped being friends with him. I'd rather save the happy ending, cuz that stuff just leads you down to destruction. You can't be friends and casually fuck, because friendship is caring about someone you respect, and if you keep casually fucking there's no respect in that. Another guy got really sad, and said how hard it was to meet people in L.A. I said, you know if we kept going out and we weren't right for each other, then you would never find what you were looking for. Then he goes on and says, oooh I was hoping we could just hang out and plaay. boo hoo. That wasn't what I wanted, and I had to say bye.
Best to end things in a good way, in order to start something in a good way... at least from your end. Dating should be about playing nice, not forcing someone to do something they're not ready for, ignoring someone, and then blaming someone... like some excercise in bitterness getting back at all women for whatever some woman did to you in the past. You'll just enrapture yourself in bitterness, and bitterness will enthrall you. Your new relationship will still somehow be about the ex: like getting back at them, trying to do things differently about them, trying to forget them .... and it won't be about just you and the new person...which will probably piss off the new person and ruin it with them. End things clearly (we the other person sees you sticking the fork in it out of purpose and reason), and the future will be have much more potential.
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