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How did this get to be so hard to understand? - 7/1/2008 1:29:44 PM

darchChylde

Posts: 5279
Joined: 9/28/2006
From: Warm Springs, GA but i live in San Francisco.
Status: offline

Ok, there seems to be a rash of new or unowned submissives questioning whether they should be a brat, a SAM, be rebellious or otherwise be less than "completely" submissive to their owner. i don't get this and don't understand how this is supposed to be such a difficult question to figure out for yourself.

Here's how i see it, merely my perspective and opinion.

First off, just be yourself when you meet a prospective dominant or owner. You're out there looking for someone who is attracted to you, not to the ideal submissive. If you fake it and play up to the submissive of their dreams, you'll be stuck pretending for the length of the relationship; besides, the truth will eventually come out at some point. Not to mention, as long as you do decieve your dominant or owner; you'll resent them and yourself. When the truth does come out, you'll most likely have the death of your relationship on your hands.

If you do find a dominant who wants you to be more bratty, or playful; they'll tell you or let you know in some subtle way. If they want you to try your Harry Houdini act when under bondage, you might hear something like:

-You can't get out of that, can you?

-Struggle all you like, you'll never escape.

-Go ahead and try to get free.

They might even set up some kind of reward for you if you escape. But, if you're not told to in some way; stay in your chains and enjoy whatever happens.

If your owner doesn't have a problem with you joking around; they won't smack you, give you a dirty look or an otherwise negative reaction when you do make a smart-ass comment around them. Over time, you'll figure out what, when, where and how much you can get away with.

In general, i'd say to dance with who brung ya. If your sense of humor attracted the dominant to you, then they'll continue to appreciate it in the relationship. If you do end up having to change from there, your dominant will then point out what needs to be altered and when. Generally, you'll get to be yourself in casual situations at home; with different rules for formal environments, lifestyle events, public situations and scenes.

< Message edited by darchChylde -- 7/1/2008 2:25:10 PM >

_____________________________

I'm the man your mother warned you about...
if only to keep me to herself.

I'm a male dominant switch whose experienced as a poly sub to a dominant woman
.
Where the fuck do I post?

Proud Owner and Protector of chyldeschylde.

Post #: 1

RE: How did this get to be so hard to understand? - 7/1/2008 1:50:24 PM

MsStarlett

Posts: 1879
Joined: 12/23/2007
Status: offline

I love a 'spirited' sub. But there are ways to do it that are not annoying.

I am quite tickled by the way my new boy 'corrects' me when he notices I've made an error. (I've never been one of those "I know everything" people, so it doesn't bother me when people tell me I've made a mistake.) I don't remember what it was, but we were shopping and I mentioned that a product did something or other that was incorrect. My boy pointed out the line on the box that said it worked a different way... then smiled "But the box could be wrong." *giggle* Adorable. Not bratty.

_____________________________

It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.
It is by the beans of Java that thoughts acquire speed,
the hands acquire shakes, the shakes become a warning,
It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.

(in reply to darchChylde)

Post #: 2

RE: How did this get to be so hard to understand? - 7/1/2008 1:52:33 PM

bashfulhuck

Posts: 119
Joined: 5/26/2008
Status: offline

dachChylde, I just had to reply to this to let you know how much I love reading your posts. I've learned alot from you in the short time I've been here, and want to thank you for it.
As for the topic at hand, I totally agree with you. Just be yourselves, the right Dominant will come along and you will be told what is appropriate or not.

(in reply to darchChylde)

Post #: 3

RE: How did this get to be so hard to understand? - 7/1/2008 2:08:43 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

I don't get it either. This isn't a card game; we are talking lives here. Play a game of being what you think someone wants when there are far more submissive's than female dominant's and the game will result in lonely. Be a constant topper, foolish bratty and disobediant and your chances are even higher of being lonely. Why must someone point out to adults that it doesn't make sense?

But thanks for doing so darchChylde! lol

(in reply to bashfulhuck)

Post #: 4

RE: How did this get to be so hard to understand? - 7/1/2008 2:09:13 PM

Morsigil

Posts: 67
Joined: 7/26/2007
Status: offline

I think a lot of men new to the scene and the site are simply a little over-eager to get involved, so they post questions that they may already know the answer to, could figure out themselves with a little thought, or whose answers would be apparent with a little practical experience.

For instance, I have a feeling that the question of "How should I behave?" would be a moot point to someone who was engaged in defining their role in a domme's life at the time, as opposed to simply wishing they were. In otherwords, I think questions like these are a mixture of impatience and inexperience.

(in reply to bashfulhuck)

Post #: 5

RE: How did this get to be so hard to understand? - 7/1/2008 2:15:36 PM

darchChylde

Posts: 5279
Joined: 9/28/2006
From: Warm Springs, GA but i live in San Francisco.
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Morsigil

I think a lot of men new to the scene and the site are simply a little over-eager to get involved, so they post questions that they may already know the answer to, could figure out themselves with a little thought, or whose answers would be apparent with a little practical experience.

For instance, I have a feeling that the question of "How should I behave?" would be a moot point to someone who was engaged in defining their role in a domme's life at the time, as opposed to simply wishing they were. In otherwords, I think questions like these are a mixture of impatience and inexperience.

Oh, i understand that. The question in the title of the thread is primarily rhetorical. i was merely using it as a springboard to give my opinion and the benefit (hopefully) of my experience.

_____________________________

I'm the man your mother warned you about...
if only to keep me to herself.

I'm a male dominant switch whose experienced as a poly sub to a dominant woman
.
Where the fuck do I post?

Proud Owner and Protector of chyldeschylde.

(in reply to Morsigil)

Post #: 6

RE: How did this get to be so hard to understand? - 7/1/2008 2:28:44 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Good post, dc.

Yes, I've noticed the trend. It's been a running theme on both sides of the kneel lately. I think you're right. It shouldn't be so hard to understand. For some reason, we just make it that way.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to darchChylde)

Post #: 7

RE: How did this get to be so hard to understand? - 7/1/2008 5:19:18 PM

Politesub53

Posts: 14862
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

My own view is simple, i`m just me. If you like me for who i am, then we have something to work on. If you wish me to change things, as this pleases you, then i can try and see how it goes. But underneath it all, you get what you see. What i mean is, as much as i might try, the basic persona won`t alter over much. This is why it`s a good idea just to be ones self fron the start.

One thing i dont get about play, is when a submissive says i need to do this or that. My own view is i need to make you happy, but if you ask me what i want, i`m sure i can think of something.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 8

RE: How did this get to be so hard to understand? - 7/1/2008 7:08:38 PM

boyforyouruse

Posts: 36
Joined: 1/21/2008
Status: offline

dc,
Do you suppose it has more to do with a problem "behind" what you're talking about. My thought being people who are using BDSM / this site / submission etc as an escape, but in a very negative way. In other words, they're lying to themselves to get away completely rather than integrating a desire into their real selves. Does that make sense?

(in reply to darchChylde)

Post #: 9

RE: How did this get to be so hard to understand? - 7/1/2008 7:19:04 PM

darchChylde

Posts: 5279
Joined: 9/28/2006
From: Warm Springs, GA but i live in San Francisco.
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: boyforyouruse

dc,
Do you suppose it has more to do with a problem "behind" what you're talking about. My thought being people who are using BDSM / this site / submission etc as an escape, but in a very negative way. In other words, they're lying to themselves to get away completely rather than integrating a desire into their real selves. Does that make sense?

Ummm... what? You did get my follow-up post that stated that the "Why" in the thread title was hypothetical, didn't you?

_____________________________

I'm the man your mother warned you about...
if only to keep me to herself.

I'm a male dominant switch whose experienced as a poly sub to a dominant woman
.
Where the fuck do I post?

Proud Owner and Protector of chyldeschylde.

(in reply to boyforyouruse)

Post #: 10

RE: How did this get to be so hard to understand? - 7/1/2008 9:44:52 PM

MamaDomme1

Posts: 377
Joined: 1/12/2008
Status: offline

Wonderful post darchChylde!

I agree with PoliteSub also..... I am just me, no time or energy to try to be something I'm not. I am attracted to a person for their interior qualities and I want those to be genuine. I've had s-types email me asking if I want certain characteristics (ie: brat, SAM, etc) and I tell them it differs with each individual.

What I don't want is someone that lies about who or what they are. Lies are deal breakers for me.

(in reply to darchChylde)

Post #: 11

RE: How did this get to be so hard to understand? - 7/2/2008 2:36:41 PM

Boondoggle

Posts: 123
Joined: 5/16/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: darchChylde
If your owner doesn't have a problem with you joking around; they won't smack you ... when you do make a smart-ass comment around them.

Unless, of course, you both enjoy that sort of thing

.

_____________________________

You see I'm not the kind of fella'
who can get off on vanilla.
No I need a little color in my sex.
--The Wet Spots

(in reply to darchChylde)

Post #: 12

RE: How did this get to be so hard to understand? - 7/2/2008 7:03:49 PM

Skully7000

Posts: 377
Joined: 7/22/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: darchChylde

Ok, there seems to be a rash of new or unowned submissives questioning whether they should be a brat, a SAM, be rebellious or otherwise be less than "completely" submissive to their owner. i don't get this and don't understand how this is supposed to be such a difficult question to figure out for yourself.

Here's how i see it, merely my perspective and opinion.

First off, just be yourself when you meet a prospective dominant or owner. You're out there looking for someone who is attracted to you, not to the ideal submissive. If you fake it and play up to the submissive of their dreams, you'll be stuck pretending for the length of the relationship; besides, the truth will eventually come out at some point. Not to mention, as long as you do decieve your dominant or owner; you'll resent them and yourself. When the truth does come out, you'll most likely have the death of your relationship on your hands.

If you do find a dominant who wants you to be more bratty, or playful; they'll tell you or let you know in some subtle way. If they want you to try your Harry Houdini act when under bondage, you might hear something like:

-You can't get out of that, can you?

-Struggle all you like, you'll never escape.

-Go ahead and try to get free.

They might even set up some kind of reward for you if you escape. But, if you're not told to in some way; stay in your chains and enjoy whatever happens.

If your owner doesn't have a problem with you joking around; they won't smack you, give you a dirty look or an otherwise negative reaction when you do make a smart-ass comment around them. Over time, you'll figure out what, when, where and how much you can get away with.

In general, i'd say to dance with who brung ya. If your sense of humor attracted the dominant to you, then they'll continue to appreciate it in the relationship. If you do end up having to change from there, your dominant will then point out what needs to be altered and when. Generally, you'll get to be yourself in casual situations at home; with different rules for formal environments, lifestyle events, public situations and scenes.

I love your posts because you elegantly put what would mostly be considered "common sense" for those who are apparently lacking in it(or the rest of us who just enjoy reading it;)
just for the discussion's sake: have you seen the movie: "The Tao of Steve" its a great movie dealing with the psychology of picking up women.

most of the advice works kinda like "if you like someone act blase, if you show that you like them they will run away, they would rather hunt a lion then hold a puppy" "if you want to sleep with that person, you must hang out with them just for the sake of hanging out...if you hang out with them because you want to get in their pants you will fail every time"

and other contradictionary advice about the art of the pick up... truth is, if you play it right...it can work very well.
I think it is something that people learn in society and gets brought into our scene as you have pointed out...

"well if I act all bratty, or make it harder for her, she will try harder to dom me and when she actually does do it...then we will both be happier...if I just give in right away then she will be bored and look for someone else"

the truth is how often do you see this happen? I've seen it... usually the dom claims they don't want a doormat...and the sub claims there is more to them...but truthfully they really are just a doormat. so they become jaded and act the way they think the dom wants them to.

its not the first time someone pretened they were something they were not...just to score. that is just a story as old as time itself.

Cheers
Skully

(in reply to darchChylde)

Post #: 13

RE: How did this get to be so hard to understand? - 7/2/2008 8:05:06 PM

undergroundsea

Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

I agree about the idea to be yourself. And I also think there is basis for the ambivalence or question about how to balance personality and submissive expression to provide a relationship that is socially engaging. I think part of this ambivalence arises because there are different dynamics possible (romantic BDSM, non-romantic power-distant BDSM) and one is still defining the balance between these dynamics in his ideal relationship.

Cheers,

Sea

(in reply to Skully7000)

Post #: 14

RE: How did this get to be so hard to understand? - 7/3/2008 11:32:15 AM

SnowRanger

Posts: 503
Joined: 5/25/2008
From: Sinsinnati
Status: offline

Hello darchChylde,

As I read this thread, several phrases kept running through my mind:
   -There is no common sense without common knowlege;
   -Your success is based on your relatability to others;
   -This is not Wildland-Fire-Behavior-Science;
   -Be who?

(in reply to darchChylde)

Post #: 15

RE: How did this get to be so hard to understand? - 7/3/2008 12:08:10 PM

SnowRanger

Posts: 503
Joined: 5/25/2008
From: Sinsinnati
Status: offline

How do I keep doing that..... To finish my post.....

I think that people who are new to anything wonder how they are going to fit in. Even with a very strong sense of yourself and where you stand in the "vanilla" world; certainly, getting a sense of who and what you are in the BDSM world requires inquiry, thought and reflection. Personally. I have no desire to fake anything. On the other hand, I do want to be a more polished, more relatable, and, better me.   This is a strange new world to me. There are rules (written and unwritten) that have to be learned.

The biggest question, for me, seems to be two fold:
   -What do I want here?
   -How much of my of my self am I willing to modify to get it?
If I have to give up chewing tobacco, I will! If I have to give up ESPN, I will. If I have to give up my feisty side... See if you can beat it out of me! If I have to give up my winter snow sports, I'll stay in the vanilla world.

Further, I might be uncollered for a reason. Am I too feisty for most (or all) mistresses? Am I just too damn ugly (after all I don't post a photo)? How can I tweak this aspect of my personality in order to be more relatable?

Those are my thoughts on the thread. If you don't know... ASK!

Sinerely,
Mike
SnowRanger

(in reply to SnowRanger)

Post #: 16

RE: How did this get to be so hard to understand? - 7/3/2008 1:08:30 PM

mztresn0w

Posts: 174
Joined: 1/12/2008
Status: offline

Thank you for your post. There are times that My lilone can be a brat. She knows me and knows when I am in the mood for a brat. By brat I do not mean disrespectful. She would never lower her self to that level. But sometimes she does push my buttons to amp things up. I do think people confuse the the terms and all that it can mean. Hopefully more people will read what you posted and begin to understand what it means.

< Message edited by mztresn0w -- 7/3/2008 1:11:16 PM >

_____________________________

Becareful what you ask for you may get it and then realize it wasn't what you wanted.
Wicked Evil Grin

(in reply to SnowRanger)

Post #: 17

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