RE: How Much Approval Do You Need? (Full Version)

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Missokyst -> RE: How Much Approval Do You Need? (6/30/2008 2:32:37 PM)

When I was young (very young!) I needed people to like me.  
As I got older I found that I wanted them to like me. 
Then I matured and I found I wanted me to like me. 
Eventually it got to me needing to like me. 
When that happened the opinion of strangers didn't matter.  The opinion of people I worked for meant something because my value in my job is dependant on the quality of work I complete.  The opinion of those I love matter because that affects the quality of my life at home. 
I can still get annoyed at when people think something I said was assinine.  I may even respond to it with some sarcasm.  I do like it when someone agrees with me.. though whether they did or not wouldn't change things for me.
It is human nature to want to be liked.  It is more valuable to be secure in how you see yourself.
Kyst



colouredin -> RE: How Much Approval Do You Need? (6/30/2008 2:33:25 PM)

Ok as I can remember first discovering all this (it was only 16 months ago) I remember the feeling of needing approval, not from this message board but from the site I started on, I felt like I was weird for not feeling the way they did and was so upset when a large part of them disliked me (one of them said to me they couldnt believe that I didnt feel the same as her) There can be a lot of competition and pressure if you get yourself to be part of a group as an observer I noticed it right away "look look i did this last night" and all that, once one got a needle corset others quickly followed suit to feel part of the group, its increadably sad but also true. It was probably in a part due to my age and also wanting to fit in, I was so excited that I had finally found something I had real passion in and others who did too that I wanted so much to be part of them. Eventually I got smart realised that actually for a lot of them it was far more about belittling others and alianating new people which made them excited due to their rather pathetic exsistance outside of the 'chat room' I distanced myself and joined a few other sites such as this one. On here sure I love it when people agree with me and there are people here I respect shit loads but for the most part if people dont agree with me who cares I know that my opinions and where I fit in come from a well thought out place, they are things that are right for me, if they can help other people thats fantastic but I dont expect it to work for everyone its not one size fits all, just as I balk at some peoples ideas Im sure they balk at mine

viva la differance



RavenMuse -> RE: How Much Approval Do You Need? (6/30/2008 2:34:45 PM)

Not quite none, but close.... when at an event I need 'approval' enough from the organisers to be there... thats it, end of. Those who have seen Me play in public know that whilst I can play hard, I play safe (RACK definition of 'safe') thats enough, I don't need anything more. I couldn't care less if any particular person likes or dislikes Me, if the latter then they ain't likely to become a friend, no skin off My nose... if the former then there is a chance I may make a new friend and thats a plus, but not a necessity.

As for the question about agree, disagree... doesn't bother Me one bit. I can enjoy a discussion with someone of opposing views just as much as I can enjoy discussions with people of similar views. It is the manner of their discussion, not wether they agree with Me that I enjoy or not, if not, if I find them consistantly irritating then I simply won't engauge them in conversation, end of.



chamberqueen -> RE: How Much Approval Do You Need? (6/30/2008 2:34:51 PM)

In the beginning I was very thin skinned, and if someone seemed to misunderstand a question and attack me for something unrelated it hurt me a lot.  Once I posted a problem, someone saw that I am a switch, and instead of addressing the question told me that I should leave the lifestyle until I stopped being confused about who I was.

Now I don't aim for anyone's approval.  I have a high personal standard of integrity, and I rarely stray from it.  As long as I am working within that and trying to help someone else I really don't care what anyone else thinks.  I try to be balanced, informed, and fair - though I'll admit I have my ornery days - LOL.  I know that I have my Master's approval, and a good relationship with my closest family member, and those are the only opinions that really matter to me.  If others don't agree with me that doesn't necessarily mean that I was wrong; just that they don't think that way.  If we all had the same thoughts and feelings it would be a pretty boring world.



Lumus -> RE: How Much Approval Do You Need? (6/30/2008 2:55:51 PM)

I never want approval - it still happens, on occasion.

Now, to be understood...



colouredin -> RE: How Much Approval Do You Need? (6/30/2008 2:58:40 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lumus

I never want approval - it still happens, on occasion.

Now, to be understood...



omg you should totally be a writer.... oh wait :P



bipolarber -> RE: How Much Approval Do You Need? (6/30/2008 3:04:25 PM)

It really depends on who's responding to a question, and how serious I think their answer is... Truly, there are many (in fact entire sub-headings of the message board) whom I wouldn't trust to tell me the truth about the time of day, much less with some question about technique or ethics... (you can probably guess who I'm referring to) but other people on this board I consider worthwhile.

And let's face it... if I didn't give their thoughts any weight at all... why would I be here, asking them their opinions?



Lumus -> RE: How Much Approval Do You Need? (6/30/2008 3:09:44 PM)

I never want approval - it still happens, on occasion.

Now, to be understood...



slaveluci -> RE: How Much Approval Do You Need? (6/30/2008 3:53:17 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: candystripper
How much approval do you need?

I totally agree with what Lumus just posted.  It's not "approval" I need but I do appreciate someone "understanding" where I'm coming from.  For me, it's more about someone else taking the time and effort to look at something from my viewpoint and grant that, even though they may totally disagree, they can at least see where I'm coming from.  I wouldn't say I "need" that but, when participating in discussions on the forums, I sure appreciate it.  I try to extend that same courtesy to others as well.  Most any time I've ever had what I'd consider an impolite exchange with another poster is when they attack my views as wrong and don't even attempt to say "Hey, whatever works for you."  I've been guilty of that myself before very rarely but have always gone to that person and apologized with sincerity.  It's just not "right" in my opinion to do that to another. 
quote:

If you're 'new' to D/s, do you feel when another member criticizes you, you should always consider what they've said?

I don't know what you consider "new," but whenever someone "criticizes" me, I first ask myself their intent.  Was it "constructive" or someone simply trying to pump themselves up by downgrading me?  Constructive criticism can be a wonderful thing.  Some jerk ripping on me or Master simply because he/she disagrees is something I can easily dismiss.
quote:

If you're 'experienced' at D/s, do you feel 'better' when someone agrees with you?  Worse when someone doesn't?

Again, I don't know what "experienced" is to you, but I would say on the whole I enjoy it when someone agrees with me, sure.  It's nice to find someone you share common ground with and can share an engaging conversation with without disagreeing too much.  On the other hand, if someone can disagree without being an asshole, that can be just as engaging.  I love to hear people's views and differing opinions as long as they don't expect me to automatically adopt them[;)].
quote:

If you are into public play, do you feel 'better' or 'worse' depending on whether anyone else posts that they are or are not into public play?

I'm not at all into public play and don't think I ever would be.  People regularly post how much they are into it.  Doesn't affect me one way or the other.  However, when the caveat is thrown in that anyone who doesn't enjoy it is somehow defective, yeah that irks the hell out of me.  It doesn't make us "suspect" or "fakes" simply because we don't enjoy the things we do in public.  It's that simple.  If you do, great.   That doesn't make you any more "real" or cool than those who couldn't care less about it.  It doesn't make me feel "bad" or "worse" if others' ways differ.  It does make me feel annoyed when they indicate their way is better.
quote:

When -- if ever -- have you changed your mind about something in D/s because of approval or disapproval from a member here?

Never.  If and when I ever change my mind about something to do with D/s, it's because of an experience I've had with my partner in this M/s relationship.  No one not inside the relationship is going to have any effect on that.  Except, some of the nonsense I read here does make me change from being merely grateful for the Master I have to being extra, super grateful[;)]..............luci



MadRabbit -> RE: How Much Approval Do You Need? (6/30/2008 3:54:53 PM)

Who the hell needs validation from people when you can validate and self-approve by putting down the lifestyle choices of those people?

The beauty of attempting to make other people qualify to you.



kyraofMists -> RE: How Much Approval Do You Need? (6/30/2008 4:57:07 PM)

~Fast Reply

The only approval that I need in my life is from my Lord and I need his approval to do just about everything.  After all these years, I know most of the boundaries that I have to live within, but I also know to seek clarification from him if I am unsure. 

I don't need approval from anyone else, but there are other people in this world that I very much enjoy it when they approve of what I am doing.  I am perfectly content to go about living my life without their approval, but it is icing on the cake to have it.  Of those people, only one posts to this board on rare occasions.

When people on this board criticise me, my relationship or our play the impact it has on me varies.  If their opinion demonstrates open-mindedness, does not involve assumptions and emotional projection, then it will have more weight.  That doesn't mean I will agree with it, but it will be considered longer than the close-minded opinions that are based on their own assumptions and not what is reality.

It doesn't matter to me whether other people enjoy public play or not and I can say from experience that it doesn't have negative impact on me if people watch me play in public and have a negative opinion of the play that we do.  We have been negatively criticised on this board and face to face for our relationship, our opinions and our play.  It had no bearing on our relationship, expression of our opinions or the way we play.  We have also been complimented on this board and face to face for the very same things that other's criticise.  The negative judgments has helped me appreciate and cherish the compliments all the more.

For the most part, if people are happy with what they are doing, then that is all that matters.  I may engage in discussions on points where opinions differ, but that is about the extent of it. 

Honestly, if I needed the approval of strangers, then I would question whether I was actually engaged in something that was right for me. 

Knight's Kyra



CallaFirestormBW -> RE: How Much Approval Do You Need? (6/30/2008 5:00:40 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: candystripper


When -- if ever -- have you changed your mind about something in D/s because of approval or disapproval from a member here?
 
candystripper
 


I don't know that I've ever changed my mind because of someone's approval/disapproval--but I do know that some individuals' posts have caused me to re-think my own opinion to the point where I had to modify my position out of recognition of an aspect that they brought forward that I hadn't considered previously.

Firestorm



Prinsexx -> RE: How Much Approval Do You Need? (6/30/2008 5:27:45 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: candystripper

This whole board made me wonder about this question:
This board does seem to sometimes  hinge on conformity IMO
 
How much approval do you need?
As an s-type? Only from the current D type.

 
If you're 'new' to D/s, do you feel when another member criticizes you, you should always consider what they've said?
I don't know when I became  'old'....it's probably denial.
 
If you're 'experienced' at D/s, do you feel 'better' when someone agrees with you?  Worse when someone doesn't?
If I respect the person who agrees then I feel better. If I have no respect for them based on their projections, arrogance, lack of compassion, empathy, humanit or just plain ignorance the I feel better if they disagree with me also. If I am in an s/m relationship with someone who berates me and it's a good enough put-down then it's a mind-fuck and will bring me to tears but I will get off on it.
 
If you're into public play, do you feel 'better' or 'worse' depending on whether anyone else posts that they are or are not into public play?
Not into public play at all. Not into playing. Not into role-playing either.
 
When -- if ever -- have you changed your mind about something in D/s because of approval or disapproval from a member here?
Many times but usually as a result of lengthy, ethical and considerate communication by private mail. It's one of the best aspects of collarme for me that I have been informed in that way.
 

 



variation30 -> RE: How Much Approval Do You Need? (6/30/2008 5:31:36 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: candystripper

This whole board made me wonder about this question:
 
How much approval do you need?
 
1If you're 'new' to D/s, do you feel when another member criticizes you, you should always consider what they've said?
 
2If you're 'experienced' at D/s, do you feel 'better' when someone agrees with you?  Worse when someone doesn't?
 
3If you're into public play, do you feel 'better' or 'worse' depending on whether anyone else posts that they are or are not into public play?
 
4When -- if ever -- have you changed your mind about something in D/s because of approval or disapproval from a member here?
 
candystripper
 


1 no

2 n/a

3 (a hypothetical) no

4 never



DiurnalVampire -> RE: How Much Approval Do You Need? (6/30/2008 5:32:06 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: candystripper
How much approval do you need?

If you're 'experienced' at D/s, do you feel 'better' when someone agrees with you?  Worse when someone doesn't?
 
If you're into public play, do you feel 'better' or 'worse' depending on whether anyone else posts that they are or are not into public play?
 
When -- if ever -- have you changed your mind about something in D/s because of approval or disapproval from a member here?


I do not really care for approval. I like to hear opinions and know I am not the only one out there that thinks a certain way sometimes. However, that doesnt mean that if I AM the only one who thinks that way I plan on changing it. I might edit what I say on the boards on the matter, but thats more for other people's benefits than my own. For the way I do my things, it works for me and the important ones, Angel and Fox. Aside from that I dont really care if it works for others. Sometiems, though, I just want to make sure that I am not insane.

DV




Roselaure -> RE: How Much Approval Do You Need? (6/30/2008 5:58:10 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

I couldn't care less if any particular person likes or dislikes Me, if the latter then they ain't likely to become a friend, no skin off My nose... if the former then there is a chance I may make a new friend and thats a plus, but not a necessity.



I would truly love to be able to say that I feel the same way, and it's a goal of mine, certainly, but I still have this exaperating need for people to like me, which is perhaps different from approval.  I like people I don't necessarily approve of.  I care about the approval of only a few people close to me, but I do want to be liked. 

BTW, love your new pic!  Rowwwrr!



DesFIP -> RE: How Much Approval Do You Need? (6/30/2008 6:08:45 PM)

I prefer, of course, for the people here who I respect to agree with what I say. If they all do, then I figure I'm pretty much on course and if they all disagree, then I rethink my position.

As far as the others? Doesn't matter a bit.



daddysliloneds -> RE: How Much Approval Do You Need? (6/30/2008 7:04:20 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: candystripper
<snip>...If you're 'experienced' at D/s, do you feel 'better' when someone agrees with you?  Worse when someone doesn't?
  
...<snip>When -- if ever -- have you changed your mind about something in D/s because of approval or disapproval from a member here? 


1.  neither.  i don't need/care if anyone validates or disapproves of my feelings, ways of thinking or interpretations.  plus, the best thing about the world is the differences of opinions, lifestyle choices, etc. or else life would be just boring!

2.  again, neither.  if i change my way of thinking, it's because others, who are on the outside looking in, can sometimes see things much clearer than i can from my one-dimensional view, and offer me a better perspective from which to make my choices.

and with all that said, i'd like to hope that this isn't a passive aggressive attempt on your part, to try to piss in the post-toasties of two others here, that you appeared to have a conflict with in the 'ask a master'/'ask a submissive' forums, though it does appear to be just that indeed.



MasterFireMaam -> RE: How Much Approval Do You Need? (6/30/2008 9:12:40 PM)

The only approval I NEED is my own. Much about my journey, such as claiming the title of Master for myself, have been about my own self approval. Do I want the approval of my friends and those I admire? Sure. But I don't NEED it.

Master Fire



RCdc -> RE: How Much Approval Do You Need? (7/1/2008 12:09:26 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

The only approval I NEED is my own. Much about my journey, such as claiming the title of Master for myself, have been about my own self approval. Do I want the approval of my friends and those I admire? Sure. But I don't NEED it.

Master Fire



I find this really interesting after reading other posts.  Do you feel this is subjective or because of your orientation, seeing that many of the s-types have stated they need validation from at least one person?
 
the.dark.



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