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lack of communication - 6/29/2008 6:46:03 PM

evanenne

Posts: 21
Joined: 10/26/2006
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i just wanted to respectfully ask all Dommes out there if a lack of communication on the Dommes part, would fall under part of training the sub. To explain further: Her feelings including (but not exclusively) whether She is happy (or not) with how Her sub is doing, etc....... I ask this because i currently do not see this as a useful part of my training, i can only see it as damaging, not positive. thank-You in advance for any input

Post #: 1

RE: lack of communication - 6/29/2008 6:48:12 PM

LadyPact

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I think you would have to give Me a little more to understand what you're asking. <wink>

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Post #: 2

RE: lack of communication - 6/29/2008 6:52:21 PM

evanenne

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Joined: 10/26/2006
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that is exactly what i mean, i ask how i'm doing in terms of tasks assigned, etc i get nothing. even when not doing anything, just watching tele, i get no input, so how am i to know whether i'm making Her happy through what i'm doing (or not doing for that matter)

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 3

RE: lack of communication - 6/29/2008 7:00:39 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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I'm sorry I pulled the half joke on you, but I was demonstrating a point.

Communication is a two way street. There are no parts that are only supposed to be participated in by one. Well, ok, orders are something different, but that's not the subject just now.

Have you ever considered that this part of your training might really be an exercise in how to convey your needs and wants?

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to evanenne)

Post #: 4

RE: lack of communication - 6/29/2008 7:02:43 PM

MistressVnus

Posts: 1036
Joined: 1/4/2008
From: Central Florida
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Well...there are three ways to look at it.....

1. You are still there....so something must be going right...OR

2. You are still there because she hasn't figured out how to tell you to get lost

3. Or.... She hasn't decided yet...

If I were you...I would ask again with an explanation of your need to know. However, not that I agree, but some perfer this method of training. It keeps you off balance. If that's the case...then just ROLL WITH IT.

Im sure none of that helped. But, rather, gave you food for thought. GOOD LUCK!

< Message edited by MistressVnus -- 6/29/2008 7:03:19 PM >

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Post #: 5

RE: lack of communication - 6/30/2008 2:21:38 AM

Morsigil

Posts: 67
Joined: 7/26/2007
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OP, while your question regards something that could be entirely situational, I would advise you towards caution. Don't take anything you hear here and act, but rather pursue aggressively any questions you might have of her. If you don't get the answers you want then it may be a sign to move on.

Something I don't believe most subs understand is that taking control of another person's behaviors is a rather large project. It takes energy, commitment, and focus to do properly. Some love it enough to live it, others can only do it temporarily. If she isn't ready, she isn't ready, but that isn't my decision to make: it's yours. If you aren't happy, and you can't reach an agreement with her then you know what to do.

(in reply to MistressVnus)

Post #: 6

RE: lack of communication - 6/30/2008 10:21:29 AM

Madame4a

Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Morsigil

OP, while your question regards something that could be entirely situational, I would advise you towards caution. Don't take anything you hear here and act, but rather pursue aggressively any questions you might have of her. If you don't get the answers you want then it may be a sign to move on.

Something I don't believe most subs understand is that taking control of another person's behaviors is a rather large project. It takes energy, commitment, and focus to do properly. Some love it enough to live it, others can only do it temporarily. If she isn't ready, she isn't ready, but that isn't my decision to make: it's yours. If you aren't happy, and you can't reach an agreement with her then you know what to do.

I'm not sure that's the best advice either.. to pursue agressively? Hmmm... I'd be quite put off by that...

certainly, its good to ask, but too much asking can be viewed as insecurity and whining.. its all a fine line and a delicate dance...the bottom line, if you can't communicate and getting that kind of feedback is important to you, then by all means move on... however I encourage you to tread lightly as well, and remember, in the absence of information, you are not allowed to assume the worst.. which really means, you should, if you know you've done your best, assume its good until told otherwise...

by the way, I provide feedback, I think its important, but others do not

< Message edited by Madame4a -- 6/30/2008 10:22:35 AM >

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Post #: 7

RE: lack of communication - 6/30/2008 11:06:45 AM

Morsigil

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My apologies! "Pursue aggressively" certainly wasn't the best choice of words. I'm an advocate of a measured, goal-oriented approach to just about everything. I guess what I was trying to suggest was more like "don't nag, but don't let yourself be walked on", however I know that their relationship, and that of others, isn't necessarily like one you would find with a partner... Communication may not be part of the equation for her. It does seem to be important to him though.

(in reply to Madame4a)

Post #: 8

RE: lack of communication - 6/30/2008 1:33:05 PM

TermsConditions

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Joined: 11/13/2007
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Perhaps you can ask her if she is withholding a response as part of your training.

I have seen a technique used demonstrating the iimportance of communication including non-nonverbal communication. You are invited into conversation with the instructor who then just looks at you with the most completely cool detached look on their face and no verbal response whatsoever.

My instructor was a woman (suprise!) and I found it very disconcerting and upsetting.

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(in reply to evanenne)

Post #: 9

RE: lack of communication - 7/1/2008 8:03:14 AM

MaamJay

Posts: 2101
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Since I couldn't understand the OP I am thinking that maybe the Domme in question isn't the only one who's not communicating too clearly! My training method relies on My giving lots of feedback ie comments as to how the sub is doing, often very specific, with the intent to help him improve further. However, not everyone trains in the same way, and I think LP might be on the money with the notion that her silence is intended to force the OP to communicate his needs better. Only way to find out is to respectfully (and clearly!) ask your Domme!

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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Post #: 10

RE: lack of communication - 7/1/2008 8:04:55 AM

LaTigresse

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Joined: 1/15/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: evanenne

i just wanted to respectfully ask all Dommes out there if a lack of communication on the Dommes part, would fall under part of training the sub. To explain further: Her feelings including (but not exclusively) whether She is happy (or not) with how Her sub is doing, etc....... I ask this because i currently do not see this as a useful part of my training, i can only see it as damaging, not positive. thank-You in advance for any input

Communication is a two way street. Have you bothered to ask her? (questions are communication also..........)

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My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to evanenne)

Post #: 11

RE: lack of communication - 7/1/2008 8:10:07 AM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

My question would be how long you have been in training with her. If it is a long time and she has been acting this way the entire time, then there might be a problem and you have to have a serious sit down chat with her.
If it has been a very short time, perhaps she has a logic behind it. You are still obeying, regardless of the emotional headpatting you are getting. You are learning to do things because you are told to do them, without giving priority to the ones that will get you a better response to her than the ones that are necessary but do not necessarily make her happy. Short term, it is a benefit to your abilities to learn the tasks and to learn to obey. Once she thinks you have gone far enough in your service without rewards then perhaps that will change.
You wil need, though, eventualy to talk to her about it and see why she does it. My logic is why I would do it, if need be but her thought processes might be way off my mark.

DV

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(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 12

RE: lack of communication - 7/1/2008 8:28:24 AM

MsStarlett

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Joined: 12/23/2007
Status: offline

Sometimes even a sub has to be a man and start the conversation when you don't know what is correct and incorrect. My boy always knows when he's doing well becaue I praise him and lavish affection on him. But he is crushed when I correct him with a slap in the face. I actually had to have a conversation with him about his overreaction to being slapped. He thought I was actually angry with him over leaving a salad on the counter instead of putting it in the fridge. I told him to save it for me, not WHERE to put it. Lack of communication! It will always get someone in trouble.

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Post #: 13

RE: lack of communication - 7/2/2008 2:23:43 AM

SurrenderForMe

Posts: 229
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline

Communication is important for all.

Petting subbie on the head all the time is not. So my answer depends on if you get too little feedback, too little feedback for you, or no feedback.

My suggestion would be to communicate this issue to your partner and ask her for feedback. If this is a new relationship, addressing little things can save a load of problems later.

Good luck

(in reply to evanenne)

Post #: 14

RE: lack of communication - 7/2/2008 3:50:53 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

Hmmm...sounds like setting someone up to fail to me. If you're not into that, it's not a positive thing. But, some feel that the Dominant doesn't have to explain their behavior at all and they're happy in a relationship like that.

Master Fire

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(in reply to evanenne)

Post #: 15

RE: lack of communication - 7/2/2008 12:50:09 PM

Anto

Posts: 1
Joined: 6/24/2008
Status: offline

I don’t mean any disrespect but I cannot help but wonder why you are even questioning your conducts behaviors and performances. Obviously you’re dedicated and making every effort to conquer the challenges presented you. Nothing more needs be said nor do questions need to be sought out. Good luck but first have faith and trust in yourself.

(in reply to evanenne)

Post #: 16

RE: lack of communication - 7/2/2008 2:44:49 PM

Boondoggle

Posts: 123
Joined: 5/16/2005
Status: offline

Evanenne, Try actually asking her the questions you have. Your post seems to indicate that there are some things you want to know, but that you expect her to communicate them to you of her own volition. That's a recipe for failure. If you're too shy or lack the confidence to ask outright, tell her that you have questions that you feel too shy to ask. Let her know that you want something more, even if you can't express it outright.

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No I need a little color in my sex.
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Post #: 17

RE: lack of communication - 7/2/2008 5:48:58 PM

MistressSybella

Posts: 163
Joined: 9/14/2004
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Perhaps "no news, is good news." I may give a smile but I don't go out of my way to praise everyday behavior. However, if I'm displeased my pets WILL know.

As someone else has mentioned, communication is a two way street. If you have a need for more feedback or praise, say so and do it nicely.

Miss 'Bella

(in reply to Boondoggle)

Post #: 18

RE: lack of communication - 7/2/2008 6:47:05 PM

DominaSusan

Posts: 75
Joined: 3/29/2008
Status: offline

I take it from your post that you have asked her for feedback and she is non-responsive. Perhaps this is not the Domme for you. Everyone has their own style and maybe her style is not suited to your training needs. I would not necessarily say her method is damaging but you need to determine if it is right for you. My own personal belief is to be as communicative as possible without turning my slave into my pet. Directions are fine, head rubs… not so much (in my book at least).

(in reply to MistressSybella)

Post #: 19

RE: lack of communication - 7/2/2008 7:14:55 PM

unforegvn

Posts: 159
Joined: 8/25/2005
Status: offline

If you are unclear ask - there are no wrong questions in my world. Her silence is obviously affecting you, speak up or suffer in silence, however, never forget SHE is in charge of the household and all that live there so you may not like the response you receive.

(in reply to evanenne)

Post #: 20

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