Reconciliation, letting go, forgiveness, moving on - 6/27/2008 12:20:15 PM
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stella41b
Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
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Yesterday was a milestone for me. It was my first television interview in my natural state talking about my life and my work. It was for Polish TV, a programme called Queer TV, part of an initiative for LGBT television in Poland. The interviewer and cameraman travelled from Gdansk in Poland to London to interview me.
It was perhaps the longest ever interview I gave for the Polish media ever, and the main topic was events in 2005, my life and my work in Polish theatre, and why I had chosen to come out publicly as Stella in Poland. Seeing this as an opportunity to give my side of the story I conducted the interview in Polish, so that everyone could understand.
Below I share some of the questions I was asked. The interviewer's questions are in bold.
When did you first become 'Stella'?
When I was born. Girls don't usually have dicks, this confused me. I went ahead and played along until I could be sure.
No, when did you first become aware that you were Stella?
I pretty much worked it out when I was 17, but you know feeling and believing isn't the same as knowing. I became sure in 1998.
But when did you become full time?
This was gradual. At the time I was becoming well known in theatre. The success of my plays at the International MALTA Theatre Festival in 2000 worked against me, because it was so successful. Same too with the Warsaw production of 'The Scottish Patient' (my comedy) in 2001. This deepened the inner conflict and turmoil I was feeling inside and so I lived a double life. The neighbours in my block in central Warsaw thought I was married... to myself. I eventually became full time in 2004, dressing up to work in theatre or for public performances. I was living in fear of being found out, outed, someone making the connection.
Did this affect your work in theatre in some way?
Yes it did. I felt angry, resentful and frutsrated that I couldn't be myself, and that I couldn't just come out and be who I really was. After the Scottish Patient comedy production I changed my style and switched to writing short controversial dramas, Rejected was about the sexual harrassment of women at work, One Saturday about domestic violence, and Sunday 6.46am about the break up of a relationship between two homosexual priests in a village in Poland. Rejected and One Saturday divided audiences in Warsaw and were seen as very controversial. That and my outspoken views on Iraq caused me to lose my position in my theatre at the end of 2003. I was told I was becoming too controversial. But what I wanted to do was to provoke public debate on taboo issues and somehow start a healing process in Polish society.
Was your play 'Sunday' ever staged?
No. It never was. It wasn't even read but that didn't stop the death threats or religious fanatics picketing my rehearsals. In 2004 I tried to set up a new theatre with well known professional Polish actors in Klub Harenda in the centre of Warsaw called The Underground. But there was media speculation, especially from the ultra-conservative Catholic press that I intended to stage Sunday and this scared many actors off from working with me. In the end I decided to quit Polish theatre and Poland and I left early in 2005 which provoked the Gazeta Wyborcza article A Curtain Falls I went back to the UK to transition.
Did you ever think to write a play about being transgendered?
Hell no. Writing about homosexuals was bad enough. I'm still alive today because I didn't write a play about being transgendered in Poland.
But you returned to Poland later that year, to Zywiec? Why?
I had problems getting back into British society and didn't get a referral to see a psychiatrist to refer me onto a gender reassignment program, so I decided to try in Poland once again. I got a commission to set up the town's first and only theatre. It was a small town, 40,000 people, and I decided to take a chance there, thinking that if it didn't work out I could return to Warsaw. I planned it, I even changed my style and wrote a new play, a more universal theme, the afterlife, and I called it Death, it's the only play I wrote in Polish, I finished it when Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans. This was to be my first play as Stella and also the first ever play written in Polish and staged in Polish for a Polish audience by a non-Polish author since Pan tadeusz by Adam Mickiewicz.
What led to you deciding that you were for sure coming out? What made you decide to do it?
There were numerous reasons. The first was the rise in popularity of the Kaczynski twins in both the presidential and parliamentary elections and their ultra-right wing Catholic party Law and Justice [PiS] and the controversy surrounding the Equality Parades where gays, lesbians and the transgendered were demanding equality. Lech Kaczynski declared the Warsaw Equality Parade illegal, in Poznan the Parade was broken up by hooligans, and in Krakow those marching had bricks and stones thrown at them whilst police looked on. Someone had to stand up to these people and the Church, especially when the Church was saying that sexual deviancy was on the increase because Poland had joined the European Union and join the sick people in the West. I mean let's not start talking about the fascination and interest of Kaczynski's supporters, the Church and others when the subject is about one man sticking his dick up another man's behind. I knew that nobody Polish would stand up to these people because of the fear of the consequences. But by then it appeared to be trendy to come out as a cross-waving loonie to support the cross-waving loonies taking over the Government so Poland was starting to become a European version of Iran. I came out publicly just as much for the friends and people I knew in Poland who were transgendered as I did for myself. I wanted to make a statement, to take a stand on this issue, hoping that it would somehow lead to a change for them at least if it didn't work out for me.
Why did you leave Poland?
I didn't have much choice. It was late October 2005. The staging of my comedy and setting up the theatre was a success. I got some brilliant reviews. I'm reading the reviews in the kitchen of this tiny apartment with my friend. I make coffee. I look out of the window and I see a neighbour, a middle-aged man, not working, not on welfare. Every day he goes out with a bag and walks through the town collecting empty aluminium beer cans to sell for recycling. But he's competing with a lot of other men of a similar age in his position. Now twenty years before they all had jobs in factories, they were supporting Solidarity and Lech Walesa, wanting to be part of the West, to bring down the former communist system, to be free, liberated, and live in a democratic society. He was probably there, striking, picketing, struggling, for many years. Walesa took over, and during this time no doubt this would be the father who hands over almost a day's earnings to someone like me to teach his daughter English for an hour. Sure, Poland joined the EU in 2004, but take a look at his freedom. But these were the people who made me, and I felt I was cheating them, deceiving them. I felt sick. Besides throwing bricks at gays just because they want to be treated like everyone else, human, is this democracy? Is this even civilised? I think not, that's why I left.
For good? Would you ever return to Poland?
Why not? It's important to keep things in perspective here. Now what happened in 2005 happened, and it happened for a reason. But you know when I look back over those 13 years I lived in Poland, sharing the most important years of post-war Polish history together with the Poles who not only accepted me into their country but they also made me part of their culture, I remember a lot of achievements, good times, I remember the generosity and humility of the Polish people, their crazy ideas, I remember vodka and bigos, and so many positive experiences and happy memories that no bunch of cross-waving loonies could ever affect. I even like the cross-waving loonies, they're funny and often come out with the most comical things. The past is past, my life is here, I've moved on, let go, so yes, I'd jump at the chance of going back to Poland.
How does being transgendered affect your relationbships?
Ah yes. Relationships. Complicated. Infrequent. Lots of loneliness. But you know I identify as a lesbian, and form relationships with women who are interested in... oh Lord, another taboo subject here, BDSM or S and M. BDSM differs from a considerable number of marriages in that usually there is some agreement before any beating takes place, the person doing the beating isn't drunk, and they don't use their fists, but things like riding crops and straps. Many people think BDSM is about being self-centred and obtaining sexual gratification and other pleasures at the expense of someone else but this is more about actually taking the time to get to know the other person, understand them, accept them for who they really are. Sexual deviancy isn't an illness, but a tendency and a basic part of human nature. This means that a large minority of Poles never got to enjoy the freedom of the normal Poles, and today they live under just as much oppression as they ever did under the former system or even the Second World War. This is the reality of Polish society and this is something which needs to be addressed. Poles are Poles, irerespective of who they love and who they sleep with.
So how is your life in the UK? When did you have your operation? How is life different from your life in Poland?
Take a look at me, this is me, the real me. I didn't have the operation by the way, I'm not that far. Here in the UK it's very much different, even though generally things have changed somewhat here and the UK maybe isn't as tolerant and open as it once was. I have a feeling that tolerance in society is relative to its stability. But it's still much different than in Poland, being gay, lesbian, kinky, it doesn't exclude you from society, you can still work, function, live and this is true also for transgendered people, but transgendered people are still judged on their appearance. Some people have issues, but most people tend to mind their own business, or they're kinky themselves. I came back in December 2005 and I was street homeless, and I've spent a year and a half working my way up through the system, receiving the help I needed and I've spent almost a year developing a theatre and charity dealing with individual human rights and social stigma. We're developing projects to work with the homeless, and also with the support of one of our politicians a new cultural centre for the black community in North London. Our contribution is the setting up of an academy for black people in the performing arts using my theories, which hopefully will help them find a way into theatre and the film industry. It's different for me, because I have a future, I know my reputation as a playwright has survived my change of gender and this is something I can build on. It's also different because Britain is not Poland, different society, different history, different culture. Again Poles need to stop comparing themselves with other nations, and work at coming together and resolving their differences between each other. Patriotism has more to do with a sense of pride and belonging rather than spewing hatred towards your fellow countrymen.
After the interview we hugged each other and said farewell. They asked for details of any new productions or performances in Poland to be sent. I felt as if a stone I have been carrying had been dropped, left behind. I have more confidence, I'm more relaxed, and feel much better for having had the interview.
I felt as if I was closing the door on a major chapter of my life. Here I have to pause, the tears have started again as memories come back and I remember all the people I never got the chance to say goodbye to, the people I left behind. But I'm happy for what was, I have no regrets, and to be honest I wouldn't want to go back to living the way I did. It's time to start again, but I kept alive a promise that if the opportunity arose, i would return.
Therefore this is a thread about those major times in your life, those major issues and conflicts, and how you sought reconciliation, how you resolved such conflicts, how you let go and how you moved on. Was letting go easy? Difficult?
Please feel free to share..
< Message edited by stella41b -- 6/27/2008 12:24:06 PM >
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