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relationship skills - 6/16/2008 4:18:51 PM   
lally3


Posts: 595
Joined: 3/4/2008
Status: offline 		its probably impossible to define a D/s relationship because every relationship is different and everyones expectations differ too.  but it seems to me there is so much confusion on a very basic level that confuses the heck out of those starting up.

communication is the bigee.  its the one that can screw everything up. 

new subs think that they have no right to communicate their feelings, needs, fantasies and fears.  new doms think they shouldnt have to communicate with a sub beyond giving orders.

another one is, are we allowed to love each other.  and then theres the fuzzy lines drawn up where the basic respect of another persons feelings gets lost amongst the rights of a Dom to do as he pleases and the expectation of the sub to shut up and put up.

every dynamic is different i know, but why is it that for some reason the basics for building a relationship suddenly get lost and confused.  what is it about the D/s dynamic that makes people forget the basic steps to building a relationship.

its not rocket science, most people have built a relationship before, with a vanilla lover, a friend, someone at work.  this is no different surely!


< Message edited by lally3 -- 6/16/2008 4:20:56 PM >
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RE: relationship skills - 6/16/2008 4:21:52 PM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		Step one-get over your ego.
 
Step two. Shut up and listen.
 
Step three-if you are going to be rejected for who you are,better to get it done and over with now,rather than later. Hiding things and playing games only prolongs the agony.

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I'm not taking custom orders.

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RE: relationship skills - 6/16/2008 4:28:09 PM   
Madame4a


Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline 		Every relationship, in my mind, is a place to learn, no matter the nature of it or the way it ends.

Unfortuantely, not everyone learns.. and not everyone ends up with life skills...

SM relationships are like any others.. there are several basics that apply across the board.

_____________________________

You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

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RE: relationship skills - 6/16/2008 4:45:45 PM   
sambamanslilgirl


Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline 		when it comes to relationship (and this is my opinion only), there has to be trust, friendship and compatibility besides communication. it wouldn't work for me if one was missing.

_____________________________

...2011 - year of the fabulous rock star life ...and i do it so well...


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RE: relationship skills - 6/16/2008 5:19:07 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Same reasons most vanilla relationships don't work and are very dysfunctional. 

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: relationship skills - 6/16/2008 5:26:10 PM   
daddysliloneds


Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lally3
why is it that for some reason the basics for building a relationship suddenly get lost and confused.  what is it about the D/s dynamic that makes people forget the basic steps to building a relationship.

its not rocket science, most people have built a relationship before, with a vanilla lover, a friend, someone at work.  this is no different surely!


perhaps it's because they live in a fantasy world and trying to take on the story-book ideal of what d/s means based on what they read in books and on the internet?  perhaps it's because selfishness outweighs selflessness?  or perhaps it's because they don't want a relationship but use whatever means necessary to get beat/fucked/served/ego massaged?  who knows!

(in reply to lally3)
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RE: relationship skills - 6/16/2008 5:36:31 PM   
shivermetimbers


Posts: 2060
Joined: 6/7/2008
Status: offline 		It may not be rocket science, but people entering new phases of their life often do it with exuberance.  They feel they finally found a place they "fit", and have a sense of believing everyone has a like mindset.  When I entered the military, I thought everyone did it because they were gung ho, patriotic folk.  I found out many did it as an economic opportunity, or as an option to going to jail.  When I started hunting, I thought everyone was interested in preserving the outdoors,  took only what they could eat, and eat all that they took.  I found that way too many just simply enjoyed getting drunk and shooting everything that moved.  When I went to college in my late 30's, I thought every person in the classroom was there to learn, only to find out many still were living out their high school glory days, and being disruptive and disrespectful at every turn. 

That sense of newness sometimes brings about thoughts of polyanna in entering a new realm.  Yes, common sense and lessons learned from the past are sometimes ignored, as there is the belief that "everyone thinks like I do."  So mistakes are made along the way, unfortunately some paying for their mistakes in a much more severe manner than others. But you seem to have a tone of condemnation for those who enter this realm with wide eyed enthusiasm.  If I interpreted you wrong, my bad.  But if I am correct, instead of looking down upon those new folk who may be a little star struck about the whole scene, why not instead put your experience and knowledge to good use and be a mentor, and a positive example of the lifestyle?  

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RE: relationship skills - 6/16/2008 6:04:30 PM   
Hierarch


Posts: 14
Joined: 5/17/2008
Status: offline 		While I agree with shiver, I also think too much of it is just how people are. To me, there's just an unfortunate majority who are unsure of how to have an adult relationship, vanilla or otherwise. Who said the capability to have a mature, stable relationship has to be the average anyways?

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RE: relationship skills - 6/16/2008 6:10:55 PM   
celticlord2112


Posts: 5732
Status: offline
quote:

every dynamic is different i know, but why is it that for some reason the basics for building a relationship suddenly get lost and confused. what is it about the D/s dynamic that makes people forget the basic steps to building a relationship.

People get tunnel vision about the D/s dynamic in the relationship and forget that it is but one dynamic among many.

Being master or slave comes after being man or woman.


_____________________________



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RE: relationship skills - 6/16/2008 6:12:43 PM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: celticlord2112

quote:

every dynamic is different i know, but why is it that for some reason the basics for building a relationship suddenly get lost and confused. what is it about the D/s dynamic that makes people forget the basic steps to building a relationship.

People get tunnel vision about the D/s dynamic in the relationship and forget that it is but one dynamic among many.

Being master or slave comes after being man or woman.



Exactly. Loss of self-control in ego mangement-a major charachter weakness.
 

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

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RE: relationship skills - 6/16/2008 6:27:19 PM   
Midnght


Posts: 98
Joined: 4/24/2008
From: Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lally3

its probably impossible to define a D/s relationship because every relationship is different and everyones expectations differ too.  but it seems to me there is so much confusion on a very basic level that confuses the heck out of those starting up.

communication is the bigee.  its the one that can screw everything up. 

new subs think that they have no right to communicate their feelings, needs, fantasies and fears.  new doms think they shouldnt have to communicate with a sub beyond giving orders.

another one is, are we allowed to love each other.  and then theres the fuzzy lines drawn up where the basic respect of another persons feelings gets lost amongst the rights of a Dom to do as he pleases and the expectation of the sub to shut up and put up.

every dynamic is different i know, but why is it that for some reason the basics for building a relationship suddenly get lost and confused.  what is it about the D/s dynamic that makes people forget the basic steps to building a relationship.

its not rocket science, most people have built a relationship before, with a vanilla lover, a friend, someone at work.  this is no different surely!



I chalk a lot of it up to the lack of common snese their mommas should have taught them.
Trust me there's a lot of people in this world with no common sense.

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RE: relationship skills - 6/16/2008 11:10:41 PM   
MasterZen22


Posts: 72
Joined: 11/16/2006
Status: offline 		Bingo!

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: relationship skills - 6/17/2008 12:41:51 AM   
lally3


Posts: 595
Joined: 3/4/2008
Status: offline 		instead of looking down upon those new folk who may be a little star struck about the whole scene,

hi shiver,
 
no i dont look down on them, i was star struck too once and alot of it confused me, so much so that i still cant totally work out what it is about D/s that can confuse, but it does for lots of people, they get lost amongst the excitement and the apparent contradictions that abound - but in the end its a relationship like any other.
 
if my tone was condacending it wasnt meant to be atall, frustrated maybe, but only for them because really, if people only communicated in the begining as two adults and kept the D/s dynamic at bay for a bit, just worked each other out enough to see if they laughed and communicated on the same level everything else would follow one way or another.
 
i guess its true that all relationships are tricky and if you havent the basic common sense or interpersonal skills to deal with relationships then finding a D/s relationship could get really messy. 
 
when you go read up on places like castlerealm, theres lots of dos and dont and stuff about trust and rights and blah blah, but i dont think it says anything about two adults spending quality time just building up the basis for a friendship.
 
it should be in capitals i think - just to cut through all those words of good advice and wisdom.
 
BUILD A RELATIONSHIP FIRST

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RE: relationship skills - 6/17/2008 3:06:53 AM   
kallisto


Posts: 1185
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: celticlord2112

People get tunnel vision about the D/s dynamic in the relationship and forget that it is but one dynamic among many.

Being master or slave comes after being man or woman.



A lot of wisdom in those 2 statements. 

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RE: relationship skills - 6/17/2008 4:17:08 AM   
HalloweenWhite


Posts: 1028
Joined: 6/20/2005
Status: offline 		The need for commincation is a no brainer I think, when it comes to saying what Y/you want, need, expect, will do and will not do, you have to be able to say it, if you don't or can't then the relationship isn't on very firm ground, because without good commication Y/you can't be sure what the O/other person is thinking and the  trust may not be as strong as it could be.

As for what new subs think, that's a learning process they have to go through.

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RE: relationship skills - 6/17/2008 6:42:34 AM   
here4sex


Posts: 4
Joined: 6/17/2008
Status: offline 		Relationship skills are explained perfectly in an abundance of books on the subject. A few hours of study will make you a relationship expert.

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RE: relationship skills - 6/17/2008 6:52:11 AM   
LATEXBABY64


Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline 		It really is about comunication and chemistry and age  or bring civil.  some people do not have ethics or morals let alone ideas of what is to be apart of someone. there to busy being individuals to notice.  

Just my take on it yep 

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Profile   Post #: 17
RE: relationship skills - 6/17/2008 7:14:01 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		I've noticed that very few people have really good relationship skills. Job hopping, divorce, extended families no longer communicating.

If people went into relationships without the option of quitting being so easy. If they quit dragging out the excuse book for their own failings and blaming everyone else........ they might be more sucessful.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: relationship skills - 6/17/2008 9:14:04 AM   
FRSguy


Posts: 653
Joined: 9/4/2007
Status: offline 		I allways kind of felt that it was a square peg round hole kind of thing.  Instead of people "finding themselves" its easier to conform to some form of socialaly consistant image which seems to exclude the basics.  The dynamics of our relationships although different are all based on the same foundations and those foundations do not get enough attention because they are the same for all so to speak.  I think people need to explore what they like and dont like and form relationship dynamics and sexuality on what they personaly like rather than trying to meet an image of a hypothetical slot.

I think the lifestyle can be an excuse for people that normaly have difficulty "getting along" in personal relationships and for some can be a methode of solving communication issues and role confusion issues by throwing in the towel. There are no emotions to really figure out ... you simply do. I think for a lot people when they finaly become "happy" in the slot so to speak then stuff begins to blow up on them. The problems and issues of the previouse dynamics kind of come out as things come under control for them and they begin to modify the public dynamic into a personal one.

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RE: relationship skills - 6/17/2008 9:16:54 AM   
lateralist1


Posts: 886
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		It might be a good start to seperate out D/s from BDSM.
Lots of vanilla couples live in D/s relationships by choice or just because that's the way it turned out.

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