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Is there a reason for one to like BDSM specifically? - 6/14/2008 8:59:12 PM   
mysteryshopper


Posts: 36
Joined: 9/18/2006
Status: offline 		I mean people can like it for various reasons.  This is a serious discussion, please keep it civil and serious.
I was talking to a potential dom, and we got to know eachother.  I had some problems with some cruel female relatives when I was a young boy.  And she's trying to suggest that being tormented as a child was why I have grown up to want to be tormented by a woman sexually in a D/S situaiton...

Is there any validity behind it?  I found it quite absurd but it got me thinking...
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RE: Is there a reason for one to like BDSM specifically? - 6/14/2008 9:08:58 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline 		I doubt it. It's probably her kink to think that is the truth. I never had problems with any particularly cruel relatives, male or female. Inconsiderate and selfish but not cruel and, in the end, we all love each other. Even if we can't stand each other.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to mysteryshopper)
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RE: Is there a reason for one to like BDSM specifically? - 6/14/2008 9:11:55 PM   
d1ll1gaf


Posts: 33
Joined: 11/11/2007
Status: offline 		I personally am a beliver in a persons interest in BDSM being a mixture of nature and nurture. I'll use myself as an example: In terms of nature, as long as I can remember being interested in women (or when your in elementary school girls) I was most turned on by sadistic acts. I can distinctly remember watching a James Bond marathon with my father when I was in grade 3 or 4 and the scene came on where he uses a womans bikini top to strangle her and being excited about it (not that I shared this with my father). In terms of nurture, I was raised in a very cold home (emotion wise) and my parents emphasized pushing my own limits and not conforming to general popularity. Hence my willingness to explore my true desires and not simply accept normality as large parts of society would expect me to (although I can pretend to to accept normality when I feel it is in my best interests).

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RE: Is there a reason for one to like BDSM specifically? - 6/14/2008 9:12:31 PM   
azropedntied


Posts: 1829
Joined: 7/25/2005
From: Phx AZ
Status: offline 		i remember years ago when the medical profession at large was clear that kinky sex , fetish , bdsm , was a deviant disease that was to be cured through hours on a couch and medication .like when they thought corrective mind control could cure being gay .There was also an institute "kinda like clockwork orange " where they would show pictures and shock the genitals . Thankfully we know better now .I also think you answered your own question with the statement "i mean people can like it for various reason s " and there are many reasons and variables .  

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RE: Is there a reason for one to like BDSM specifically? - 6/15/2008 5:58:16 AM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		A child typically prefers negative attention to no attention at all.  That may end up being their substitute for love.  There are some cases where one that has been raised in an overly domineering household seeks that same strength in others.  This does not imply that you were ever sexually turned on by it when growing up, but it is possible that it is now arousing to see a strong woman take the lead.  Some may also see accepting physical pain as receiving a due punishment, and it gives them relief. 

Please understand, these are generalizations.  I think that the woman you spoke to had a valid point but was coming to it from the wrong psychological perspective.  I doubt if your dream is to be tormented.  However, you may have the predisposition to be "handled" by a dominant woman and made to do her bidding.  I have had a number of male subs tell me that they feel that they were "trained" for the lifestyle because of growing up with women who were strong and often abusive.  Some crave that type of relationship again - but being within the BDSM world, if they have a responsible partner, they know in the back of their minds that things should never get out of control.  Unlike when they were growing up they now have the ability to use a safeword.


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RE: Is there a reason for one to like BDSM specifically? - 6/15/2008 6:51:47 AM   
Owner4SexSlave


Posts: 1311
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline 		I'm pretty certain BDSM is a natural for me.   That in part perhaps a twisted Genetic tendancy, and also because of my early childhood experiences.  Some of these things are rather dark in nature.  I'm totally aware of how traumatic experiences control the Neurological pathway and brain development.  For me to not be into BDSM, I'm convinced that my brain would have to be literally rewired.

Anyways, I tend to want to probe for such things in prospective partners.  Gives me an idea of how long they have been BDSM or kink self aware to what degree and how long.  I trying to attempt to refrain from making generalizations or assumptions.   If and when I do make statements like this, it's to get the person to explore or consider something deeper about themselves.  A sense of deeper understanding about themselves and who they are.

I tend to believe there are many different entry points and different reasons why people are drawn to this lifestyle.  

It's not all that far reaching though for one's childhood experiences to play a major role in the matter.  


(in reply to mysteryshopper)
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RE: Is there a reason for one to like BDSM specifically? - 6/15/2008 6:55:18 AM   
pompeii


Posts: 934
Joined: 1/4/2007
From: Silicon Valley, San Jose, California
Status: offline 		I like giving pleasure by enjoying a gal's submissiveness... both like the BDSM endorphins that are released!

(in reply to chamberqueen)
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RE: Is there a reason for one to like BDSM specifically? - 6/15/2008 7:09:07 AM   
bipolarber


Posts: 2792
Joined: 9/25/2004
Status: offline 		One reason I'm so attracted to BDSM, is that the roles tend to simplify the intamacy. One person leads, while the other follows... like ballroom dancing. It takes a lot of the confusion out of the encounters.

The idea that you are attracted to BDSM because of your history with bitchy women seems a bit off the mark. Although there have been cases of rape victims getting involved in mock rape scenes, that was mostly as a way of replaying a trauma, but this time being in control of the events. It was more of a coping mechanisim. IF what you suggest were the case, I think there would be a great many more "abusive parent" scenarios being played out. Instead, it seems the "Daddy/Mommies" out there are protective, nurturing figures than they are abusers.

No, I think the main reaon you are interested in BDSM is... because you just enjoy it. 

(in reply to pompeii)
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RE: Is there a reason for one to like BDSM specifically? - 6/15/2008 7:15:04 AM   
MissSCD


Posts: 1185
Joined: 3/10/2007
Status: offline 		I have been in this lifestyle five years.  I went through all the pain of trying to figure out why. 
I even went to a community counselor who helped me a great deal and did not know a thing about BDSM.
She told me as long as it is consensual between both parties, then it is ok.  I was afraid I was committing some type of major sin. 
There is no reason why I like this.  I enjoy the control I have over my slave, but we discuss things.  We discuss money issues, and we discuss family issues because we have been engaged for 3.5 years.  
Sometimes I am not in the mood because of family oblicgations or work, but it always comes back.
What am I saying?  If you are really concerned seek conseling.  It will benefit you a great deal.  Be careful who you trust especially on the internet.  
I wish you the best.

Regards, MissSCD
 
quote:

ORIGINAL: mysteryshopper

I mean people can like it for various reasons.  This is a serious discussion, please keep it civil and serious.
I was talking to a potential dom, and we got to know eachother.  I had some problems with some cruel female relatives when I was a young boy.  And she's trying to suggest that being tormented as a child was why I have grown up to want to be tormented by a woman sexually in a D/S situaiton...

Is there any validity behind it?  I found it quite absurd but it got me thinking...


(in reply to mysteryshopper)
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RE: Is there a reason for one to like BDSM specifically? - 6/15/2008 8:47:36 AM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		My shrink told me that we as humans tend to sexualise the things that hurt us as children-  and to an extent i agree with that. As a kid i had no options - the parents, especially the father  - made all the decisions with no input wanted or expected from the kids.  Actually, i didn't know that i could even have input. It wasn't even a possibility to me.  As an adult that is what i seek in a relationship - except with my dom, i have input to a certain extent.

I don't think my upbringing had everything to do with who i am, but i do think it had something to do with it.

(in reply to MissSCD)
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RE: Is there a reason for one to like BDSM specifically? - 6/15/2008 11:52:03 AM   
HarryVanWinkle


Posts: 1720
Joined: 5/8/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: azropedntied
There was also an institute "kinda like clockwork orange " where they would show pictures and shock the genitals .


Hey, I think I was in that institute last night, only without the pictures.  Oh, wait, it was the CBT seminar at the club.  Nevermind.

(in reply to azropedntied)
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RE: Is there a reason for one to like BDSM specifically? - 6/15/2008 12:13:51 PM   
celticlord2112


Posts: 5732
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mysteryshopper

I mean people can like it for various reasons.  This is a serious discussion, please keep it civil and serious.
I was talking to a potential dom, and we got to know eachother.  I had some problems with some cruel female relatives when I was a young boy.  And she's trying to suggest that being tormented as a child was why I have grown up to want to be tormented by a woman sexually in a D/S situaiton...

Is there any validity behind it?  I found it quite absurd but it got me thinking...


No automatic validity.  Past experience does influence present desire, but to map an equation that experience X leads to desire Y is an egregious oversimplification, and contradicts much of what is known about human behavior.

It only matters if YOU think that is the source of your kink, and even then only if it bothers you and you want to make a change.



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RE: Is there a reason for one to like BDSM specifically? - 6/15/2008 1:09:20 PM   
azropedntied


Posts: 1829
Joined: 7/25/2005
From: Phx AZ
Status: offline 		LOL harry are ya cured or shall you be needing several more treatments ?
^5

quote:

ORIGINAL: HarryVanWinkle

quote:

ORIGINAL: azropedntied
There was also an institute "kinda like clockwork orange " where they would show pictures and shock the genitals .


Hey, I think I was in that institute last night, only without the pictures.  Oh, wait, it was the CBT seminar at the club.  Nevermind.

(in reply to HarryVanWinkle)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Is there a reason for one to like BDSM specifically? - 6/15/2008 1:37:25 PM   
XxSpiderxX


Posts: 12
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline 		I was raised in a household where my mother was the dominant figure, she made the money and the decisions, and my step-father had no real control.

Flash forward to the end of my teenage years... I am a dom, fairly proficent at it if I do say so myself, with a wonderful sub.

My upbringing formed a need for control in my life, and a healthy respect for women. Its a psychological understanding of oneself that allows you to understand the things you like and why. Insight as to who you are is key in this, as in any. lifestyle.

Hope that helps...

_____________________________

-Master Spider


"Expect my visit when darkness falls, the night, I think, is best for hiding all"

(in reply to azropedntied)
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RE: Is there a reason for one to like BDSM specifically? - 6/15/2008 2:16:09 PM   
pinksugarsub


Posts: 1224
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mysteryshopper

I mean people can like it for various reasons.  This is a serious discussion, please keep it civil and serious.
I was talking to a potential dom, and we got to know eachother.  I had some problems with some cruel female relatives when I was a young boy.  And she's trying to suggest that being tormented as a child was why I have grown up to want to be tormented by a woman sexually in a D/S situaiton...

Is there any validity behind it?  I found it quite absurd but it got me thinking...



mysteryshopper, i'm sure a MD would answer this differently, but here's what i think:
 
What difference does it really make how you got 'wired'?
 
Could be 'nature; could be 'nuture'; could be s'thing else entirely.
 
W/we cannot really know, and the far more important thing is to find a good place for you in D/s and be happy.
 
Peace out.
 
pinksugarsub

< Message edited by pinksugarsub -- 6/15/2008 2:17:00 PM >

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RE: Is there a reason for one to like BDSM specifically? - 6/15/2008 8:51:24 PM   
HarryVanWinkle


Posts: 1720
Joined: 5/8/2006
Status: offline 		Roped, you know how Dr. Wednesday A. is.  I'll never be "cured," but the treatments are so much fun.

(in reply to azropedntied)
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RE: Is there a reason for one to like BDSM specifically? - 6/16/2008 7:39:13 AM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mysteryshopper

I mean people can like it for various reasons.  This is a serious discussion, please keep it civil and serious.
I was talking to a potential dom, and we got to know eachother.  I had some problems with some cruel female relatives when I was a young boy.  And she's trying to suggest that being tormented as a child was why I have grown up to want to be tormented by a woman sexually in a D/S situaiton...

Is there any validity behind it?  I found it quite absurd but it got me thinking...



I believe there is.  If you do enough soul searching either with a counselor or by yourself you can trace you likes and desires in all facets of life back to your childhood.
As your example states.  You had issues with some cruel female relatives whom you loved.  You may associate love with being cruel?
Our families screw us up more than anyone else in life ever will.  They are the people who love us...even if they don't and we think they do.
Does that mean your kink is wrong?  Not at all.  As long as it is consentual, you have no reason to worry about it.  Beyond for your own curiosity. 
We are all creatures of our environment, like it or not.  The mother who feeds her children vegetables when they are small.  Those same children will eat more vegetables as adults.  Granted they may not like every single vegetable but they will be more apt to eat them than others who never did as a child.
Just always remember to value yourself and you won't have a problem in the lifstyle no matter where it takes you.


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RE: Is there a reason for one to like BDSM specifically? - 6/16/2008 8:28:27 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		If a hundred people had grown up in the same kind of environment you had, I would imagine a certain percentage would be drawn to recreate that familiar setting as adults, another percentage would look to turn the tables, and the rest would look for relationships based on mutual caring and kindness.

She may be right but the only person who can figure that out is you.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: Is there a reason for one to like BDSM specifically? - 6/16/2008 4:40:59 PM   
pinnipedster


Posts: 217
Joined: 4/17/2008
Status: offline 		There seem to be so many different types of people interested in BDSM that I highly doubt there is any one explanation. 

In my own case, I have theories, but I don't really spend a great deal of time wondering about it.  To me, it's such an obvious thing to want to do, that I spend far more time wondering why there are some people who don't like BDSM.

I had a sort of "friends with benefits" situation with a woman I knew back in the 80's for a while -- that is, we were both between relationships, and we knew we weren't right for each other in the long run (most particularly, she was anxious to have kids, and I have never wanted them), but thought there was no reason we couldn't have fun with each other while we continued to search.  She knew I was kinky, and one time, agreed to try tying me up.  She got about halfway through, then just said "This just seems wrong," and untied me.  I've never understood it.

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RE: Is there a reason for one to like BDSM specifically? - 6/16/2008 4:47:22 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		I dont think upbringing necessarily has anything to do with BDSM in a sexual way. I had a very demanding and overbearing mom, and so for me a female led relationship is perfectly normal. However, sexually what I experienced at home had nothing to do with what I like now. My brother and I had almost the exact same upbringing, minus the guy things and girl things we were taught.  He is sub, I am Dom.

DV


_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

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