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RE: Knowing What Y/you Want - 6/11/2008 8:04:40 AM

wanderingstray

Posts: 26
Joined: 6/11/2008
Status: offline

When I can say exactly what I want, it gives others a chance at helping me get it. In that way it can help to know. But most of what I want is abstract, and I also want adventures and surprises. I want pleasure, enjoyment, fun, happiness, intimacy, excitement...it's as vague as a political campaign speech. When I do want something specific I say it. Otherwise I say vaguely about what I might like, sort of.

I want a situation with specific elements and also with unknowns. It's like wanting to see a funny movie, but hoping all the jokes are new.

I want to meet someone, talk about what all we might like, and in the process it will become clear how we would match up, and whether we wanted to pursue it or keep looking. What I want with someone depends in large part on how we respond to each other. I can go either way in most things. What makes it good is if we happen to make a good pair; do we fall into step and do we resonate? I want someone whose voice and mine sound good together, whatever song we choose.

I want a warm body next to mine in bed all night. Whose exactly I couldn't say. I want to wonder what they will say next, but about which topic I can't tell you yet. I want the person for their unique self, and not just anyone at all for a specific act or role. I want the abstract desire for companionship to lead into a concrete relationship. Let's try being together, see how it goes for us, make what we can of it. Then as it turns out I'll know exactly if it's what I want, by how I like it and how it feels looking ahead.

I have tried being with people who had an idea of what they wanted. I would rather be with someone who had an idea of what they wanted to try. I'd rather be trying to do something than trying to have something. I'd rather go see what is over the next hill than own the countryside and know its every familiar square inch was in place unchanging.

(in reply to pinksugarsub)

Post #: 21

RE: Knowing What Y/you Want - 6/11/2008 8:28:03 AM

cantilena

Posts: 224
Joined: 8/6/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Evility

To a point I agree with you. I'm also an advocate of knowing what you want but I don't necessarily see how that makes it any more likely to find what you want. You can actually get too specific and box yourself in.

I really REALLY agree with this, and at my age I'm starting to see it more. I don't think this has anything to do with D/s, frankly. Several friends in various notches along the kink-o-meter, long married to their respective spouses, are now divorcing.

One friend alludes it to a big buffet - she figures she ate everything as expected the first time around (ie marriage, um, suburbs etc). She says for the next time, she's only gonna pick what she wants. The trouble is she has defined the list of wants to a set of ideals that I doubt exist in any man in the entire city, let alone in an unmarried straight one. If she were to throw a D/s or BDSM checklist on top of it all, she might just as well join a convent.

I've suggested to my friends to just get out there and date already. Give more people a chance and see where relationships will lead. Maybe the guy won't make a gazillion bucks, but who cares if he makes your knees weak and loves your family like your own? Maybe he isn't a tall, dark George Clooney lookalike, but then again.. maybe he makes those gazillion bucks. (lol...)

And yet I do see their side... Nobody can blame them for fear. They've already kissed some really grody frogs.

(in reply to Evility)

Post #: 22

RE: Knowing What Y/you Want - 6/11/2008 8:50:56 AM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

I have always been pretty self aware. It always amazes me when people reach my age not knowing what they want. I am messed up, twisted, perverted, and I am ok with that. I am open to trying new things, get excited by learning, and I know which things I will never do.
I have gotten what I want and what I needed on and off most of my life. And that includes being without a man in my life and still being content.
Sometimes I wonder if people look around and see other people happy, and that makes them feel as if they are missing out. They have an idea of who they are and what morality is comfortable for them but someone comes along and tells them they are wrong, so they believe it. For me, that is an undefined person. People like that are not happy in my view, they are only mirrors of someone elses design. What happens when they disappear?
I am very glad I found out what a messed up, twisted, perverted, damaged person I am, from a young age. It gave me time to get comfy in my skin and to know that no matter what, I am ok.
But, knowing what you want doesn't seem to have any better results in getting it than being clueless. It seems like a crap shoot to me.
Kyst

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to pinksugarsub)

Post #: 23

RE: Knowing What Y/you Want - 6/11/2008 8:57:11 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

Sometimes I wonder if people look around and see other people happy, and that makes them feel as if they are missing out.

I used to think that way. But I've come to realize that most people have some sort of discomfort and/or cross to bear in any relationship, so I no longer feel that envious. Especially when I have friends, living with significant others, telling me that they envy me my freedom.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 24

RE: Knowing What Y/you Want - 6/11/2008 9:23:50 AM

Griffith

Posts: 2
Joined: 12/31/2007
Status: offline

I agree with the OP. Realizing and being open with what I want has allowed me to take my first steps toward finding said desire. In this case, Im talking about my kink, but I agree that knowing what you want is completely contextual. I have also realized lately that wants and needs are dynamic, and always in a state of flux, so I have to always be able to step back and know what it is I want, in order to find it.

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 25

RE: Knowing What Y/you Want - 6/11/2008 1:12:05 PM

MzMia

Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline

Another cute thread from the pink one.
The older I get the more I realize there is so much more to life and relationships
than just knowing what you want.

Knowing what you want and need, means being able to say "NO" to many things, people,
and situations.

I see many lives and generations ruined, because someone was not capable of saying "No" to
a destructive person or walk away.

It takes a strong person, to be willing to say NO, and remain single and stick to your guns.
For many of us, it might mean being single the rest of your life.

Many people are not in relationships because they found the right "one"...they are in relationships because they found "someone" and are trying like hell to make the shit work.
square peg, round hole situations

You would be surprised the number of people that spend their entire lives "settling" for someone and in serial relationships that never last or work out...because they are too damned scared or frightened to be alone.
I thank GOD I am not one of them.
Peace

< Message edited by MzMia -- 6/11/2008 1:28:59 PM >

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain

What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to pinksugarsub)

Post #: 26

RE: Knowing What Y/you Want - 6/11/2008 2:00:28 PM

persephonee

Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
Status: offline

i have lived alone for 5 years now. i love having my remote and my tv and my bathroom basically to myself. i honestly dont know how a Dom could come in and run a tighter ship than it is now. i cant wait to find out.

ive never been afraid to be "alone". id prefer it to being miserable or drama-nated.

i could be "alone" for the rest of my life.....or not. im open to what life will slide to me next. Meanwhile, its time to talk to my friends and feed that ankle-biter...he keeps insisting on eating 3 meals a day plus snacks. So i may live alone but i am just never lonely.

_____________________________

You be the Captain; i'll be no one.

And You can carry me away....if You want to. ~Kasey Chambers

E*Whore, extraordinaire....

Nothing is exactly as it seems~Nor, is it otherwise.

(in reply to MzMia)

Post #: 27

RE: Knowing What Y/you Want - 6/11/2008 2:03:23 PM

MzMia

Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline

persephonee? give him a peanut butter sandwich!

I believe all ankle biters need to learn how to cook around age 12, and well!

They can read cookbooks as well as you can, one day you can let the anklebiter cook for you!

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain

What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to persephonee)

Post #: 28

RE: Knowing What Y/you Want - 6/11/2008 2:34:28 PM

Evility

Posts: 915
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pinksugarsub
If You think this is a box without any escape hatch, then so be it.

That chip on your shoulder is the biggest obstacle you are ever going to have to deal with when it comes to finding a dom. It's not all about you.

(in reply to pinksugarsub)

Post #: 29

RE: Knowing What Y/you Want - 6/11/2008 2:46:31 PM

Evility

Posts: 915
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: cantilena
One friend alludes it to as a big buffet - she figures she ate everything as expected the first time around (ie marriage, um, suburbs etc). She says for the next time, she's only gonna pick what she wants. The trouble is she has defined the list of wants to a set of ideals that I doubt exist in any man in the entire city, let alone in an unmarried straight one. If she were to throw a D/s or BDSM checklist on top of it all, she might just as well join a convent.

There are also those who tend to price themselves out of the market, so to speak.

(in reply to cantilena)

Post #: 30

RE: Knowing What Y/you Want - 6/11/2008 4:12:21 PM

MidMichCowboy

Posts: 665
Joined: 3/23/2007
Status: offline

Knowing what you want is fine and dandy, but I guess I come at things a little different. I am often challenged by those who say I need to make more time for myself and I shouldn't be so limiting on those I will get involved with.

So I will try to explain. I feel that a person has more responsibilities that just his or her happiness. In fact, that my be down the list quite a ways. Living involves obligations and responsibilities.
First .. my ummmsss: I brought them into the world and will forever be responsible. I hope to have more "me" time as they grow older, but they are my responsibility and joy, my gift from God.
Second .. the significant other I'm looking for: Yes, I want a woman who is submissive, but love still involves responsibility to a person. This isn't a burden, it should be a joy.
Third .. the rest of my family: We are social creatures. We are born into and involved with our family all of our life. It's not always convenient, fun or fair, but it's what makes us humans and a somewhat higher form of life.
Society ... yep, I'm a Jeffersonian. By living in this society and getting benefits from it (yes, even if you don't acknowledge them) inspires a duty in us to contribute and improve.

That is just a bit of what I believe a responsible person should do in life. Life to me is a commitment. I think this makes me a better person. Others, my think I'm too hung up on responsibilities and should let loose. What I want in an individual kink is relevant, but not the most important thing in life.

If this makes me too serious for some people, that's ok. Life is more than just pleasure and games. But I do hope to find someone to make the walk through life enjoyable.

_____________________________

I want to capture your mind, your spirit, your soul, your body, your devotion and your love. Then, will I give you my heart.

(in reply to Evility)

Post #: 31

RE: Knowing What Y/you Want - 6/11/2008 8:56:34 PM

daddysliloneds

Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline

i think you're right, though, i gave up the looking for what i want for a long-term relationship, and focused on at least keeping my other needs in check and having fun as well as growing and exploring...

the second i did that, or should i say, the second year of going that route, i got lucky enough to find exactly what i want/need for a long term relationship from someone i had actually met for a casual play partner/relationship.

(in reply to pinksugarsub)

Post #: 32

RE: Knowing What Y/you Want - 6/11/2008 9:04:29 PM

Leatherist

Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Evility

quote:

ORIGINAL: cantilena
One friend alludes it to as a big buffet - she figures she ate everything as expected the first time around (ie marriage, um, suburbs etc). She says for the next time, she's only gonna pick what she wants. The trouble is she has defined the list of wants to a set of ideals that I doubt exist in any man in the entire city, let alone in an unmarried straight one. If she were to throw a D/s or BDSM checklist on top of it all, she might just as well join a convent.

There are also those who tend to price themselves out of the market, so to speak.

I always chuckle when I read the sub profiles, the ones where they demand superman or nothing. Becuase they are "not a doormat", and thier gift is priceless.

Then whine about getting nothing.

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to Evility)

Post #: 33

RE: Knowing What Y/you Want - 6/11/2008 9:06:25 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

Sounds like what I did when I was pretty much vanilla. I was always open to the idea that any given relationship could work out long term so I dated guys who, at some point, wanted marriage and kids. Didn't make much sense to me to do otherwise.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to pinksugarsub)

Post #: 34

RE: Knowing What Y/you Want - 6/11/2008 9:24:08 PM

summersprite

Posts: 101
Joined: 4/3/2008
Status: offline

All I know is this..... several glasses of wine = sub frenzy (earlier post)....., yes, I succumbed to the dreaded sub frenzy...

Now that I don't have any wine in my system and can't delete or edit the earlier post, I thought I might put a reasonably sane reply to this thread...

The interesting thing I've found with BDSM (so far) is that open communication is actually encouraged and practised..... If you can define what you want and then communicate it clearly and honestly to others, then of course it follows your chances are higher of a good connection.... but only if that other person is practising the same open, clear, honest communication that you are....

Actually, I think I'm more profound when I've been drinking

< Message edited by summersprite -- 6/11/2008 9:31:46 PM >

(in reply to daddysliloneds)

Post #: 35

RE: Knowing What Y/you Want - 6/11/2008 11:49:47 PM

pinksugarsub

Posts: 1224
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

I have always been pretty self aware. It always amazes me when people reach my age not knowing what they want. I am messed up, twisted, perverted, and I am ok with that. I am open to trying new things, get excited by learning, and I know which things I will never do.
I have gotten what I want and what I needed on and off most of my life. And that includes being without a man in my life and still being content.
Sometimes I wonder if people look around and see other people happy, and that makes them feel as if they are missing out. They have an idea of who they are and what morality is comfortable for them but someone comes along and tells them they are wrong, so they believe it. For me, that is an undefined person. People like that are not happy in my view, they are only mirrors of someone elses design. What happens when they disappear?
I am very glad I found out what a messed up, twisted, perverted, damaged person I am, from a young age. It gave me time to get comfy in my skin and to know that no matter what, I am ok.
But, knowing what you want doesn't seem to have any better results in getting it than being clueless. It seems like a crap shoot to me.
Kyst

Missokyst, kudos to You for having had such a happy life so far. Not E/everyone shares Your life experience. i was happy in college and after my divorce, and then even happier when i discovered D/s 3 years ago. But i have spent a lot of time in the Valley of the Shadow of Death, too.

W/we are who W/we are as a result of W/who and what W/we have been, are, and will grow into. i wonder why You are so crtical of P/pl who experience growth, whether T/they are 20 or 80. Being 'clueless' IMO pretty much guarantees Y/you will not find what makes Y/you happy.

pinksugarsub

< Message edited by pinksugarsub -- 6/12/2008 12:09:25 AM >

_____________________________

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 36

RE: Knowing What Y/you Want - 6/11/2008 11:58:25 PM

pinksugarsub

Posts: 1224
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MzMia

persephonee? give him a peanut butter sandwich!

I believe all ankle biters need to learn how to cook around age 12, and well!

They can read cookbooks as well as you can, one day you can let the anklebiter cook for you!

Laffs. My UM has cookbooks and pot and pans; she is a true 'foodie'.

S'times i wonder if they switched babies on me in the hospital, LOL.

pinksugarsub

_____________________________

(in reply to MzMia)

Post #: 37

RE: Knowing What Y/you Want - 6/12/2008 12:07:55 AM

pinksugarsub

Posts: 1224
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Evility

quote:

ORIGINAL: pinksugarsub
If You think this is a box without any escape hatch, then so be it.

That chip on your shoulder is the biggest obstacle you are ever going to have to deal with when it comes to finding a dom. It's not all about you.

Evility, if You really believe that a submissive should be willing to 'submit' to any 'Dom' who wants her, good luck to You in finding a satisfying D/s relationship.

Simply because a submissive refuses some Doms who approach her does not mean she has a 'chip on her shoulder'. It means she has a brain and a personality and wants/needs of her own.

You seem to imply that only the 'doormat submissive' is likely to be collared. i can assure You, none of my collared girlfriends would qualify as 'doormats' by any stretch of the imagination.

Having standards and self-awareness is not 'pricing yourself out of the market'. It is refusing to settle for less than what you want and need.

pinksugarsub

< Message edited by pinksugarsub -- 6/12/2008 12:11:50 AM >

_____________________________

(in reply to Evility)

Post #: 38

RE: Knowing What Y/you Want - 6/12/2008 12:25:27 AM

pinksugarsub

Posts: 1224
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

quote:

ORIGINAL: Evility

quote:

ORIGINAL: cantilena
One friend alludes it to as a big buffet - she figures she ate everything as expected the first time around (ie marriage, um, suburbs etc). She says for the next time, she's only gonna pick what she wants. The trouble is she has defined the list of wants to a set of ideals that I doubt exist in any man in the entire city, let alone in an unmarried straight one. If she were to throw a D/s or BDSM checklist on top of it all, she might just as well join a convent.

There are also those who tend to price themselves out of the market, so to speak.

I always chuckle when I read the sub profiles, the ones where they demand superman or nothing. Becuase they are "not a doormat", and thier gift is priceless.

Then whine about getting nothing.

Leatherist, i dun perv submissives' profiles much so i take You at Yr word -- there are damned silly Dom profiles, so why wouldn't there be silly submissive profiles?

The whole 'gift of submission' thing is meaningless to me. If it floats Y/yr boat to use the phrase, by all means do so. It does nothing for me personally.

My profile does not say i seek a 'superman'. It says i seek a Dom i can trust, respect and love who shares my hope for a long term relationship. Since that is what i seek, i think it is effective communication. (Of course, that all depends on whether a Dom bothers to read it.)

pinksugarsub

_____________________________

(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 39

RE: Knowing What Y/you Want - 6/12/2008 9:03:06 AM

pixidustpet

Posts: 857
Joined: 6/4/2008
Status: offline

on the "gift of submission"....

if you've learned to value yourself, you dont give yourself easily. that goes for both sides of the D/s equation. casual play is one thing, a relationship is another thing entirely. if i value a person enough, want them in my life enough, to wish to form a relationship with them, yeah, that's a gift. not only of me to them, but of them to me. the initial gift is there.

the rest of it, you gotta work at. communicate, reason, negotiate, give-and-take, listen, talk, shut the hell up sometimes.

even listen to ramblings about gearboxes and ratios if that makes the other person happy, and be glad you can visualize things in 3-D cause it makes these conversations easier.

kitten, who's glad she can do this when TheEngineer talks about work.

(in reply to pinksugarsub)

Post #: 40

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