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Comfort? - 6/6/2008 2:47:43 PM   
puella


Posts: 2457
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline 		Hello everyone,

I think of myself as being in a rather extraordinary, and very wonderful position in my life.  I am comfortable. 


I have been thinking closely about that. 


I think, generally, in this realm of ours, that 'comfort' can almost be a dirty word.  We tend to look at ourselves and our lifestyle (generally) in the extremes...in the excitement of exploring the uncomfortable, in pushing the boundaries, in feeling, understanding and embracing the 'uncomfortable' and glorying in it.  Not just the physical discomfort of bondage and discipline, but the emotional and psychological 'discomfort' of what can happen when real power exchange happens.

For the first time in a very very long time, I am in a relationship where my Master  has made my world that of the comfortable.  I am at ease and feel genuine peace.

The worrier in me, of course heheh, began to think.. oh dear...what is wrong.  What is going wrong? 

I think that the older and more wise Jen is saying.... NOTHING.

What I am sitting back and looking at is the very real experience I am having of a mastery I have never encountered before.

There is no anxiety driving me to be better; there is no threat propelling me to 'achieve'.  Rather, I am honestly propelled by the integrity of our relationship and who he is, and who I am individually within this relationship.

Sitting back and looking at this honestly I can see that, for what ever good luck and reasons, I am (or perhaps have been brought to) a much more mature place.  Comfort has allowed me to explore the depths of my true nature.  The desire to please because of pure need and the delight it creates in this wholesome relationship.  The desire to learn new things and grow (or even 'allow' to be grown) in places I have heretofore found 'scary' or as some sort of punishment in a genuinely happy, healthy and consensual way.

In comfort I have found the space, in my head, in my heart and in a real home, to find (and perhaps to have had rescued) many, many more parts of myself...hopefully, parts which can be trained and utilized and grown to even greater potential.   And I must say, it is an amazing feeling.

And yet that word comfort still has niggling and odd connotations for me... and I can not quite place where they came from and why they are there.  I just find it such an interesting dichotomy that I now really believe that without this glorious comfort... there really can not be any sort of meaningful relationship...and certainly nothing much of worth, health and longevity, and yet, by very nature, this lifestyle really is provocative in that it sometimes touches, sometimes dwells and sometimes pushes the boundaries of discomfort as its very core and definition.

I would love to hear how you all react to that thought and how you find and live that balance beyond the immediate rush.

Thanks,

Jen

< Message edited by puella -- 6/6/2008 2:51:31 PM >

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RE: Comfort? - 6/6/2008 3:11:13 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: puella
I think of myself as being in a rather extraordinary, and very wonderful position in my life.  I am comfortable.

quote:

For the first time in a very very long time, I am in a relationship where my Master  has made my world that of the comfortable.  I am at ease and feel genuine peace.

quote:

What I am sitting back and looking at is the very real experience I am having of a mastery I have never encountered before.  There is no anxiety driving me to be better; there is no threat propelling me to 'achieve'.  Rather, I am honestly propelled by the integrity of our relationship and who he is, and who I am individually within this relationship.

I so, so relate to the statements I quoted above, especially the red words.  This is exactly how I feel within my relationship as well and it is wonderful.

I can't compare what we have to other "lifestyle" relationships because I have never been in another such relationship before.  However, I can and often do compare and contrast what my life with Him is like compared to other "vanilla" ones before.  This is the first time I have ever felt that "comfort" and "genuine peace" you wrote about.

Thinking of "comfort" as a sort of dirty word has happened to me often as well.  In my relationship with my now ex-husband, there was never any real comfort or peace.  There was always unwanted drama I had to deal with or fear or anxiety or me being the one doing 99% of the giving while he did all the taking and so forth.  But there was that "rush" sometimes.  He was so sexy, such a "bad boy," always living on the edge and dragging me with him.  But I loved him and thought that was just what one does when they love someone.  They change, go along, and accept whatever gets dished out pretty much.

When I finally got mature enough, strong enough, and frankly drug-free enough to know I needed more and better than a life like that, it was hard to accomplish but great to be "free."  Many months later when I met Master, I was still in love with my husband (who wasn't yet an ex).  I had pulled back from him and was having no contact but I hadn't gotten involved with anyone else.  When we met, actually one of the first things I told him was that I was still married, still loved my husband, and probably would never divorce him.  Boy, did that change.  Not because He insisted it would or ever pressured me, but because I found in Him what I had always dreamed of finding in my husband - that genuine love, peace and comfort you spoke of.

Fast forward many months and it was an insidious battle I fought alot in my own mind.  I sometimes would still miss my husband and worry about his wellbeing.  I'd feel guilty for leaving him in a way he considered "high and dry."  I had a lot to deal with.  Master encouraged me to tell Him all and He genuinely listened and supported me.  If He had ever tried to force me to stop feeling like I did, I almost know it would have backfired.  Instead, He didn't just give me empty platitudes.  He demonstrated love rather than just saying "I love you."  Time passed and most all thoughts of my now ex-husband have faded.  Occasionally, of course, a pang of guilt will hit or something but it quickly passes without discussion.

I look back on how my life was and how "comfortable" and peaceful it now is and it's like polar opposites.  "Comfort" isn't a bad thing in my world because I know how valuable and precious it is.  For years, I chose to disregard my need for and right to any comfort because my partner then didn't value it.  It's just such a natural, easy element of our life now that if it ever stopped feeling comfortable, I'd know we're headed for trouble.  Relish it, revel in it, love it, Jen.  I do...............luci



< Message edited by slaveluci -- 6/6/2008 3:14:01 PM >

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RE: Comfort? - 6/6/2008 3:47:05 PM   
ExSteelAgain


Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline 		It feels good to be with someone who respects you and understands your D/s desires without judgment because he/she  has them too. CM is great for bringing those of us together who are into this without the Truman Capote like drama. We make each other feel like Bob and Sally Vanilla only doing some interesting things behind closed doors.

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RE: Comfort? - 6/6/2008 3:53:02 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		Oh man! You ladies have a way of expressing my Sir and my relationship - it is comfortable, sexy, sensual and VERY happy.  It is hard for me to believe that i am so happy with him - i didn't know it was possible to have such a relationship- not of competition but of companionship. I am not a competative person, so in my previous relationships i was the one "giving in". With Sir there is no giving in, there is only asceding to him, and discussion of what i or he wants.   Our life together is one of agreement - we discuss and he decideds.

We have been together 2 1/2 years and i haven't felt angry at him yet. Well - i was cross the other day when he beat me, then laughed at my tears. Meanie!
The depth of companionship in our relationship is incredible - and not diminishing with time.
I plan to spend many happy years with him.

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RE: Comfort? - 6/6/2008 3:53:33 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I have often noted that the intimacy of wearing pjs all day, snuggling in bed, reading the newspaper and watching tv together is as deep an intimacy as I've ever felt in other forms- and in some ways far more special for me as it's not ever anything I thought I would have in my life.

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Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: Comfort? - 6/6/2008 3:56:38 PM   
pinksugarsub


Posts: 1224
Status: offline 		What a great Op, puella.  You have articulated beter than i have been able to the type of /s relationship i want...the only type i'd consider.
 
As for finding yourself ill at ease with the word 'comfort', i think that's of little importance.  It's what you think and feel and value and experience that counts, not what some amorphous group might think.
 
pinksugarsub

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RE: Comfort? - 6/6/2008 4:52:28 PM   
virgini970


Posts: 142
Joined: 5/28/2008
Status: offline 		I so wish i hat it's called trust just don't know how to do that it is some thing i want and need but every time i have tried that i got hurt bad so gave up and that was 10 years ago but now i want to trust again but how

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RE: Comfort? - 6/6/2008 5:43:05 PM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline 		Dear Puella;
I loved reading your post. It reminded me of the Cinderella myth come ture. You get the Master you deserve: so you deserve this life. feel blessed by it and treasure it.
I have rarely felt comfort. Whenever I have I have left it because i felt hemmed in and stifled, lost motivation and any sense of adventure and newness.


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RE: Comfort? - 6/6/2008 5:50:49 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		If comfort is a positive things for you, a state in which you can simply 'be', then it's a positive thing. It becomes negative when it is a place in which you HIDE...from life, from problems, from yourself.

Master Fire


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The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
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BDSM How-To Books

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RE: Comfort? - 6/6/2008 9:18:47 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		Puella, I am so glad for you that you have found happiness and peace. :)

I never felt comfortable with the word "comfortable" because I used to find comfort in the wrong places.  I remember writing one night in my journal, that I was trying to break out of "the comfortable cycle of dysfunction."  The song "Comfortably Numb" came to mind.

I read your words and what comes to my mind is "contentment."   But that's just my personal thang.  I was once comfortable in the wrong place for the wrong reasons.  Now I am content. But your use of comfort and my use of content seem to be meaning the same thing.  It's when you're in a mental and emotional place that is just so easy to be in, in which you can be yourself and express yourself naturally, and you are accepted for all of it. 

Comfortable, content, blissful - it's all good, isn't it?

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Good is the enemy of great.

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RE: Comfort? - 6/7/2008 2:45:34 AM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:


And yet that word comfort still has niggling and odd connotations for me... and I can not quite place where they came from and why they are there.  I just find it such an interesting dichotomy that I now really believe that without this glorious comfort... there really can not be any sort of meaningful relationship...and certainly nothing much of worth, health and longevity, and yet, by very nature, this lifestyle really is provocative in that it sometimes touches, sometimes dwells and sometimes pushes the boundaries of discomfort as its very core and definition.

I would love to hear how you all react to that thought and how you find and live that balance beyond the immediate rush.


I'm going to address the last part first .. the discomfort. When I experience non-medically related, physical discomfort, it's a choice, temporary in nature and brought about with deliberation and fearful, frightful, delicious anticipation. That discomfort satisfy's a want and I embrace it fully. That's the good, oh yeah, can we do that again sort of discomfort.

On the other hand, there are times when I feel the need to walk on eggshells which comes with a different sort of discomfort. When Himself is stressed (usually health or work related) and everything from a slow Internet connection to the dog wagging its tail too loud pisses him off, I just try to stay out of his way and only peek in to his office or hobby room to see if he needs a drink or a snack. Those times are rare, but they do happen and I must say that I very much appreciate the fact that no matter how bad his mood may be at any given time, he never blames me for it. He may vent to me about this or that subject .. but he never vents at me in transference.

Hmm.. comfort. Honestly, I never really thought about the word in terms of the relationship which Himself and I share. It's certainly not the first word which would pop into my mind.

Our relationship has moments of peace, moments of tranquility but there is more ribald humor and laughter in our interactions. There's poking and play, fun, exuberance and passion. We're very physical with one another and it's much more likely you'd walk into an indoor water fight than you would a domesticated scene of quiet marital bliss and snuggles. That's just not us. Sure, there is comfort .. hell, there's everything else, too, though. The most important thing is that we're happiest in the presence of each other. Happy. That'll work .. but then, we're still newlyweds. Maybe the comfort will take a higher place in the grand scheme when the new wears off. ::grins:: 

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


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RE: Comfort? - 6/7/2008 5:31:45 AM   
MidMichCowboy


Posts: 665
Joined: 3/23/2007
Status: offline 		Puella
The comfort in your soul that comes from finding the right person is a rare and special gift. Here are words that I as a skeptic, never thought I would say, Let it go and enjoy.

Oh, I'm jealous. :)


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I want to capture your mind, your spirit, your soul, your body, your devotion and your love. Then, will I give you my heart.

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RE: Comfort? - 6/7/2008 6:19:00 AM   
Aynne


Posts: 740
Joined: 1/25/2008
Status: offline 		That made me a little sad to read Prinsexx. That is me too. Comfort? I bolt. Something in my twisted little way of thinking equates that with complacent and that morphs into settling and god forbid I ever feel "stable." So..bolt. I exhaust myself.  That was random..sorry.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

Dear Puella;
I loved reading your post. It reminded me of the Cinderella myth come ture. You get the Master you deserve: so you deserve this life. feel blessed by it and treasure it.
I have rarely felt comfort. Whenever I have I have left it because i felt hemmed in and stifled, lost motivation and any sense of adventure and newness.



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*Yes I know I have no profile at this time...

I looked in your eyes
Without saying a word
I told you what I am
And I hoped that you heard

~Owned and Loved by Master Sifu~

*founder of I Love Lushy Inc.*

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RE: Comfort? - 6/7/2008 6:28:14 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

For the first time in a very very long time, I am in a relationship where my Master has made my world that of the comfortable. I am at ease and feel genuine peace.


Puella, I am so happy for you.  It's wonderful to hear stories like this.  It gives many of us hope that there is something valuable out there.


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“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

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RE: Comfort? - 6/7/2008 6:50:40 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

There is no anxiety driving me to be better; there is no threat propelling me to 'achieve'.  Rather, I am honestly propelled by the integrity of our relationship and who he is, and who I am individually within this relationship.


Puella,

It warms my heart to know that you are now happy and that you have a relationship and a partner worthy of you.  As someone who knew you a bit better than most it made my heart ache to hear some of the things you felt about yourself.  I am glad you have finally come out of your shell a bit and especially now that you can be a beacon of hope for others.  I want to thank you for the most elegant description of a good D/s relationship I have ever read.

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RE: Comfort? - 6/7/2008 7:09:48 AM   
daddysliloneds


Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline 		comfort is something that i've felt for many years now; from within that is...

it's when i can blend my comfort with my own life, and in my own skin, with someone else, that i feel most at peace.



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RE: Comfort? - 6/7/2008 10:30:14 AM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		It is good to see you posting to the boards again, Jen, but it is even better to see that you are so happy with your life now.  My best to you and your family.

quote:

ORIGINAL: puella
For the first time in a very very long time, I am in a relationship where my Master  has made my world that of the comfortable.  I am at ease and feel genuine peace.

The worrier in me, of course heheh, began to think.. oh dear...what is wrong.  What is going wrong? 


I know this feeling.  For the longest time I thought that for a relationship to be "good" it had to be filled with high emotions.  The intensity level of most interactions had to be right in the red zone and filled with a lot of drama.

Just recently, someone described us as the "calmest poly group they have ever met".  Given that they speak about poly relationships in the US, they have met quite a few of them.  We are the antithesis of what I thought a good relationship had to have.

Our life is rather simple and smooth.  Peaceful and content and I wouldn't want it any other way.  Every now and then, I will find myself slipping into the old thought patterns and I have to remind myself that nothing is wrong.  We have our moments of intense interactions, but they are of our choosing and are positive and healthy.  We are not controlled by our emotions.

This is a good place to be and the irony is that we live on a river that is called "The Mighty Peace".  It is a very peaceful life for us.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

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