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fungasm -> Couples Without Sex (6/3/2008 5:03:10 PM)

Rather than HiJack! another thread-

There are a lot of couples where sex either isn't possible or isn't emotionally or physically comfortable.  When BDSM is added to the equation, there are many who are in relationships where one partner doesn't share the fascinations of the other.

I'd love to hear from those who are in such relationships:

-How did you get into such a relationship?

-How does the lack of sex affect you as a couple? 

-How does the lack of bdsm affect you as a couple?  (If you are here reading this, one would think that a lack of bdsm would affect you.)

-What do you see for the future of your relationship?



camille65 -> RE: Couples Without Sex (6/3/2008 5:11:41 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: fungasm
-How did you get into such a relationship?

-How does the lack of sex affect you as a couple? 

-How does the lack of bdsm affect you as a couple?  (If you are here reading this, one would think that a lack of bdsm would affect you.)

-What do you see for the future of your relationship?
 Complex set of questions. Yes I had that sort of relationship with my ex at the end. Primarily because of my health. I was/am on medication that has utterly destroyed my sex drive. It is the most peculiar feeling, there is a strange remoteness to the thought of sex. I can get aroused with effort but it stalls at that point then disappears.Naturally it effected us. I just realised.. we both went through what are considered the basic steps of grieving. Wow ephinany. There was anger, disbelief, sadness and more anger. Lots of anger especially inside me. Eventually it was a huge part of why we divorced. Its funny.. he is over at my house all the time (right now infact), he sleeps in my bed with me but there is simply nothing there. Currently with my owner it is harder for me than him he says. He doesn't seem to mind the drop in kinky sex or even sex in general. This is a tough subject for me and one I haven't been able to work through. I feel like I've been cut in half, phantom pain I guess. Still a ton of anger and sadness so I'm stopping this post.There is too much I've refused to look at, much less talk about, I can't get things in proper order or even really understand the emotions going on. Crap I really need to work on this but I don't know how!!



Lynnxz -> RE: Couples Without Sex (6/3/2008 5:14:26 PM)

I don't like sex. At all. Granted, me giving oral is a turn on, but for the sake of simplicity I don't count that.

-How did you get into such a relationship? R is... somewhat poly. He plays with anywhere from 2-4 girls, although not all at once. He agrees to play with me because one, we get along tremendously, and two, neither one of us feel the need to fuck the other. There is no pressure at all.

-How does the lack of sex affect you as a couple?  It doesn't

-How does the lack of bdsm affect you as a couple?  (If you are here reading this, one would think that a lack of bdsm would affect you.)
bdsm for me is entirely seperate from sex. Just because we don't squish around in bed, doesn't mean he does not cane me into oblivion every once in a while. He's a sadist, I'm a pain slut, and we both get off on seeing the other at their best.

-What do you see for the future of your relationship? It's not a long term thing I suppose. He still wants a wife at some point, and I wouldn't fit into that at all. [:D]



Prinsexx -> RE: Couples Without Sex (6/3/2008 5:15:30 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: fungasm

Rather than HiJack! another thread-

There are a lot of couples where sex either isn't possible or isn't emotionally or physically comfortable.  When BDSM is added to the equation, there are many who are in relationships where one partner doesn't share the fascinations of the other.

I'd love to hear from those who are in such relationships:

-How did you get into such a relationship?

-How does the lack of sex affect you as a couple? 

-How does the lack of bdsm affect you as a couple?  (If you are here reading this, one would think that a lack of bdsm would affect you.)

-What do you see for the future of your relationship?

Dear fungasm (love the name by the way).....the only relationship which I know of where there was no sex was my mother's and father's (apparently). Which makes mine an immaculate conception!
But on a more personal note there was one of my marriages where there was no sex after childbirth which co-incided after the birth of my first son. The marriage became about the kid project and the house project and hios career prospects. how did it affect the marriage? It was a hard working, busy yet monotonous life where we kidded each other I think that everything else could be a substitute for the sex (which had been hot when we first met).
He had affairs. i cheated. I admitted that in another thread. but isn't that normalised behaviour in many vanilla marriages.
I have never done bdsm without sex.......



Prinsexx -> RE: Couples Without Sex (6/3/2008 5:19:48 PM)

quote:

Its funny.. he is over at my house all the time (right now infact), he sleeps in my bed with me but there is simply nothing there.

Dear Camille: This I both sympathis and empathic with. and yes it's like being cut in half but I remember it and it felt more like a paralysis.



DesFIP -> RE: Couples Without Sex (6/3/2008 5:24:47 PM)

The lack of sex was probably the last straw for my marriage. Without any physical affection, and no sex also included nothing more intimate than a pat on the shoulder, we simply closed off from each other.

In this relationship even if one of us were unable to have intercourse, we would still give each other pleasure. He enjoys seeing me orgasm. I enjoy that deep sound he makes just as he gets ready to cum. And if on a given night, one of us really isn't up to stuff, we still are willing to offer the other a quick hand to help.



angelicbitch -> RE: Couples Without Sex (6/3/2008 5:32:33 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: fungasm

Rather than HiJack! another thread-

There are a lot of couples where sex either isn't possible or isn't emotionally or physically comfortable.  When BDSM is added to the equation, there are many who are in relationships where one partner doesn't share the fascinations of the other.

I'd love to hear from those who are in such relationships:

-How did you get into such a relationship?

-How does the lack of sex affect you as a couple? 

-How does the lack of bdsm affect you as a couple?  (If you are here reading this, one would think that a lack of bdsm would affect you.)

-What do you see for the future of your relationship?



Nice topic....
I am an odd duck I think....( and maybe I am not so odd.... but I know females.. who stay in crappy realtionships for whatever reason... and if it works for them ... then great ... but having been in realtionships like that I just can't put myself in those situations anymore.....  if that makes any sense)  I was in a realtionship where by my choice there was no sex... but let me explain... The person I was involved with and I dated.... and I have the type of personality that if you treat me like shit... or are mean to me you  have no chance what so ever of getting laid. And he did just that.... he was verbally and mentally abusive. So it stopped * the sex I mean*.  So answer to question how did I get into a realtionship like that... We dated for a long time * about a year* before the sex stopped.

How does not having sex affect us as a couple... well we arent one anymore ... by my own choosing again. If your gonna be mean and nasty then go be mean and nasty to someone who cares... cause I won't tolerate it.

The lack of bdsm affect it.... That wasn't an issue at the time.

The future.... I choose not to put myself in to realtionships that are like that any longer.


I guess another thing is I don't need sex to survive... When I am really into someone then its great .. but the issue I guess that is for me is if your nasty then it stops and there is no realtionship....

  Sorry Camille I feel for ya... hope things get better for you.


~sorry if my post didn't have much to do with the thread... lol I kind of thought maybe it does but its just my two cents lol ... ~

Peace



virgini970 -> RE: Couples Without Sex (6/3/2008 6:03:01 PM)

i am married but we don't have sex any more he lost my trust we still each other but the sex is not there so now i have found some one that i realy care about and i have found him some one we are still working things out i can see why people stay together for the kids but i am still going to have fun at what every i do



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Couples Without Sex (6/3/2008 6:28:54 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: fungasm
-How did you get into such a relationship?

I didn't.  Usually there was sex and then something happened so that the sex lessened- new relationship energy dropped off, chronic disease set back in, stuff like that.  It was a bad habit of mine for awhile.  By the time the sex is gone, you're committed and you want to be there for them and be a good slave and serve well no matter what.
quote:


-How does the lack of sex affect you as a couple? 

In my closed relationships it was a huge stress and I felt fairly repressed and shut down.  But I was being a good girl, so I could be proud of that...except the times I cheated.

In my open relationship, it was something I missed with eachother, but not an issue at all.  I just fucked others.
quote:


-How does the lack of bdsm affect you as a couple?  (If you are here reading this, one would think that a lack of bdsm would affect you.)

But don't make that assumption that everyone does.

For me it was like sex not being there- huge stress and somewhat shut down.  Same would be true if we never went out to the movies.
quote:


-What do you see for the future of your relationship?

We're officially moving into our own apartment, alone together at the end of the summer.  I expect us to work to become even stronger than we are now and be together a long time.



DiurnalVampire -> RE: Couples Without Sex (6/3/2008 6:36:46 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: fungasm
I'd love to hear from those who are in such relationships:

-How did you get into such a relationship?

Angel and I started our relationship knowing full well he doesnt believe in sex before marriage. The idea of sex was never even an option, unless we had deided to marry at some later point. Since Fox and I are engaged, that option is off the table completely. We are both alright with it, since Angel doesnt desire anyone else and doesnt seem al that interested in finding out what penetrative sex is actually like. He is quite content with his playtime orgasms when I give them to him.

quote:

-How does the lack of sex affect you as a couple? 

We are not a monogamous couple, and he has a cuckolding fasntasy. So, lack of sex actualy improves our D/s relationship. We have nothing by way of a romantic one, we never were much of a match in that way, but as my owned pet he is a good pair for me.

quote:

-How does the lack of bdsm affect you as a couple?  (If you are here reading this, one would think that a lack of bdsm would affect you.)

He isnt interested in anything specifically BDSM related aside from humiliation. There is no physical bondage, there is no spanking or whipping, there is nothing that is really BDSM. He is a crossdresser for me, and he is a baby slave. Our interactions are very emotionally intense but very physically gentle.

quote:

-What do you see for the future of your relationship?
I am hoping it never changes. I love where we are now, and I would happily keep it that way.

DV



Kalista07 -> RE: Couples Without Sex (6/3/2008 6:43:44 PM)

-How did you get into such a relationship?
Well, i would have to say i didn't get into it knowing this issue was going to present itself.  But, once i was in....i was in for good... Just because He was not capable of having sex, was not going to give me a reason to bail on this thing..Sex is important and great, but in the end.....It's not the be all end all..

-How does the lack of sex affect you as a couple? 

Honestly? i think it made us a lot closer. It forced us to create intimacy in many other ways. And frankly (haveing HOPEFULLY made it through that) at this point i'm grateful for it.

-How does the lack of bdsm affect you as a couple?  (If you are here reading this, one would think that a lack of bdsm would affect you.)
It caused a great deal of strain and stress on my part, and much frustration on His...

-What do you see for the future of your relationship?

After last night..............It's all lookin' good.  :P



angelslave77 -> RE: Couples Without Sex (6/3/2008 7:52:35 PM)

I was in a no sex relationship with my ex...how did it end up that way? Because I entered into it for the wrong reasons and then stayed for the kids.

The lack of sex was a killer for me but then having said that, I couldnt have sex with him and if I did it felt dirty and wrong because I didnt care for him at all.

There was no BDSM because I was pretending to be nilla and yet all the while knowing I was decieving myself.

And in the end I had to walk away, we still get along ok on a friends level for the kids sake and actually we probably talk more now because the presure of being a couple is off.

but now I have found someone who fullfills all my desires but more than that someone I love completely so if for some reason no sex were happen ie medically ect, I know we would find away around it, because I cant imagine my life without him in it.



LadyPact -> RE: Couples Without Sex (6/3/2008 10:09:51 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: fungasm

Rather than HiJack! another thread-

There are a lot of couples where sex either isn't possible or isn't emotionally or physically comfortable.  When BDSM is added to the equation, there are many who are in relationships where one partner doesn't share the fascinations of the other.

I'd love to hear from those who are in such relationships:

Well, in My case, you're getting double the answers.

-How did you get into such a relationship?
I married My husband during that period when I was on a *break* from the lifestyle.  While not directly relevant to this question, it will be in some that follow.   He is currently stationed in Korea, just about through with the first month of a one year deployement.  In My book, that adds to physically impossible.

I met My submissive about a year ago.  He is married also, but we made wonderful play partners.  The relationship grew from there and I collared him last November.  The only limit that his wife placed on the arrangement is that there be no vaginal intercourse.  For the right submissive, I can accept that.

-How does the lack of sex affect you as a couple? 
In My husband's case, we've lived through a deployment before.  Yes, it's a hardship, but the actual separation from the person you love is more difficult that the lack of sex.

For My sub, it's always been this way.  We've still bonded.  The no sex thing is just seen as a hard limit.


-How does the lack of bdsm affect you as a couple?  (If you are here reading this, one would think that a lack of bdsm would affect you.)
For My husband, I do admit that I miss him bottoming for Me.  At one point when I was doing this primarily as casual play, he used to watch Me Top others, and want in on the bottoming action, too.  Since then, he's decided that he is Dominant (no surprise to Me there) and he's still in that 'Dominant's don't bottom' phase.  Some people hit that phase and pass through it.  Some never change it.  I figure, you never know.

With My sub, our dynamic is based on BDSM.  We don't get as many opportunities to play as we would like, but it's the focus of the relationship.

-What do you see for the future of your relationship?

I am absolutely convinced that My husband is the person that I will grow old with.  It's because of his acceptance of Me that I am fortunate enough to have/live the life I do today. 

As for My sub, I can not say.  My wonderful year of him sitting at My feet is just about over.  He will finish school here, will return home, and then be off on his own deployment to Iraq.  Much like one of, if not the best sig lines on this site says, I knew the job was dangerous when I took it.



pinksugarsub -> RE: Couples Without Sex (6/3/2008 10:12:11 PM)

Not to hijack, but i wouldn't allow a Dom to collar me if the relationshi was devoid of sex.  However sex is a broad term, and covers many different acts...i just think orgasms should be part of my life (and His) in a D/s relationship.
 
pinksugarsub



MasterFireMaam -> RE: Couples Without Sex (6/3/2008 10:42:56 PM)

My Ms relationship with my girl was never based on sex. We consider ourselves spiritual partners. she's the shield maiden to my priestess warrior.

Master Fire



Sundowner -> RE: Couples Without Sex (6/4/2008 12:49:49 AM)

Your post asks about relationships where one partner doesn't share the fascinations of the other (notably sex, but also bdsm). And you clarify: where sex either isn't possible or isn't emotionally or physically comfortable (can I assume therefore by sex you mean intercourse, as opposed to affectionate intimacy of a general nature?).

I find sex mildly interesting but not an essential, although that might change if I ever fell deeply in love with someone - not a likely situation I fear. So I like friendships - close and "intimate" friendships - which I feel are relationships (plural). And, for me, that's one of the great things; one can comfortably have many friends and one can comfortably have many relationships. I drool over blondestar for example but we each have other friends without any problem at all.

And I value a close "mental" relationship more than a close "physical" relationship. Maybe it helps being older - the been there done that sort of thing? Not sure.

So I have a number of relationships - not what I'd call poly, just more than one close friend.

-How did you get into such a relationship? Casually and gradually.

-How does the lack of sex affect you as a couple?  No problem. But I enjoy getting pretty intimate; simple cuddling and kissing is fun and oral play is wonderful (one feels there should be legislation to make oral compulsory  [sm=smile.gif]). And I feel uncomfortable if, with a "relationship" girl, we're not holding hands a lot!

-How does the lack of bdsm affect you as a couple?  Woops - no lack of bdsm. And sheesh - you can't get closer than having a girl offer herself to you to be bound and/or beaten! In many ways that's a closer, more intimate, act than simple intercourse.

-What do you see for the future of your relationship? Relaxed and happy, no hidden agenda, and because I like younger girls, not for ever; at some point I'll be too old for my younger friends. But hey - life's hard.



delilou -> RE: Couples Without Sex (6/4/2008 2:26:27 AM)

Sex is a great thing(honestly!) but for me its not a deal breaker. Would be more fun of course were it possible but Im happy the way things are at the moment
 
How did you get into such a relationship?  We just fell into it, there was(is) great attraction and he also doesnt believe in sex before marriage
How does the lack of sex affect you as a couple?  Doesnt really, we enjoy eachother in a multiple of other ways
How does the lack of bdsm affect you as a couple?  There is no lack, we do it all the time :)
What do you see for the future of your relationship? Taking it one step at a time and seeing where it will lead us



Prinsexx -> RE: Couples Without Sex (6/4/2008 3:59:58 AM)

I thought about thises questions late last night. here's a few thoughts on the subject although there will be more. It's a fascinating subject.
In my opinion it also depends on how one defines sex.
For me there is a very wide range of actyivities which I consider sexual. Sex is not limited to sxual intercourse or even to penetrative sex although sex obviously is inclusive of penetraive practices.
I define sex to include: sexual fantasies, sexual chemistry, tabtric sex (sex at a distance, tantric practices to prolong foreplay).
What constitutes a exual-relationship is that any of the above sexual practices ar reciprocal.
I have maintained a fiercely sexual relationship with my ex master even though we cannot work out a satisfactory 'contract' in bdsm terms.
So for me there has never been bdsm activities where there has been no sex. There have been sexual relationships where there is a wide range of what would commonly be called non sxual activities which we both would describe a sexual.
The effect of widening the range of what is sexual? I suppose what it done is to make sexual experimenation far more exciting and I would not want to go backwards, even if that would be possible, to the time when sex was merely penetrative and expectational in that respect.
As I grow older I have a sense that my body is changing. It is not the dancer-athlete's body it once was and I would be unwise to base my sexuality merely on the confines of my body. These days I am very ambivalent about one night stands but strangely ok about (safe0 sex with strangers if instructed to do so as part of bdsm.
And the future with the bdsm 'ex'? Well a relationship will continue to exist for as long as we both find each other sexually attracted.



Stusmobile -> RE: Couples Without Sex (6/4/2008 4:07:12 AM)

I'll preface this by saying for Me sex has to be more than the physical act of intercourse, casual "get your rocks off" sexual contact just doesn't work for Me. The same is true of monogamy, the thought of going outside of a relationship to get an itch scratched leaves Me cold and frankly I'd rather head off to the bathroom and sort Myself out.

-How did you get into such a relationship?

It was called marriage, given the way My brain is wired the thought of going outside that relationship didn't occur. It may be slightly old fashioned but fidelity is very high on My want list, more important than the actual acts (or the lack) is that bond of trust and honesty. Without those there is no relationship and hence no sex anyway.

-How does the lack of sex affect you as a couple?

It affected Me massively, things that had been shared previously were withdrawn, the rejection of that began to negate the entire relationship and what it had been. To have shared something that was enjoyable and then to see it become a bone of contention is confusing and causes hurt on both sides. It wasn't even the actual act of intercourse, that was still there, it was other parts of the whole equation (non BDSM) .... but it was also a breach of the trust and honesty more than any single act being withdrawn.

Today it would affect Me the same way, I am honest in My wants, needs and desires and a partner aceding to those and then later saying "I only did that for whatever reason" would again have broken something very fundamental. It would be the begining of the end for that relationship .... in My mind it would already have ended.

-How does the lack of bdsm affect you as a couple?

Then, it wasn't so much BDSM as being kinkier than a vanilla relationship. Another problem was age, maturity and not being able to voice exactly what it was that was wanted, for both of us. Being able to communicate about things right at the outset, the expectations would have made things easier and more honest.

Today, it doesn't, the relationship I have is totally honest, the expectations, desires and wants have been laid out in great detail and are not just accepted but embraced. As the years go by I see an ebb and flow in the BDSM side of us, nothing fixed or concrete but a mutual fulflment based on those wants and an acceptance of the realities of physical limitations too. For us the D/s side specifically extends far further than the bedroom/playroom/wherever, it's more a part of us than the purely physical aspects, and that will continue no matter what physical limits may be imposed upon us.

-What do you see for the future of your relationship?

The marriage ended for a multitude of reasons, the loss of trust was the biggest motivator in that decision.

The current relationship, a lot more exploring, of each other and ourselves. There is an honesty that is almost brutal at times, but to get to that point has required an openess and trust that is unbelivable at times. The continued growth of us as two individuals and as a couple, the acceptance that we both have those wants and desires and that we want them with each other. Eventually we want it all ... there is no point in only dreaming halfway to paradise is there ....



MsLemon -> RE: Couples Without Sex (6/6/2008 11:34:08 AM)

My husband and I have a marriage and M/s relationship that has no sex in it.  Medical reasons create a problem that won't allow for penetrative sex (him to me) however when the mood strikes me and I wish to use my strapon with him that's different.  He's my property/my unit as well as my life partner.  We came into our relationship having already discussed that I was poly and at some point there would be others which he is fine with and actually enjoys as it "takes the pressure off" for him. 

The lack of sex doesn't really affect us as a couple but it does create a need for me to seek another male partner in addition to my female slave (who is an addition to my family out of love first but the bdsm and sex are lovely frills).  This sometimes creates a need to for extra reassurance to my husband/mate that I'm not replacing him nor am I going to leave but that's usually a brief blip on what's normally a very smooth path we walk together.

BDSM is part of who I am and therefore its always an integral part of any relationship even with friends because I refuse to not live my life how I know suits me.  So friends, partners, loves, play buddies they all are aware and are fine with the M/s bdsm aspects of my life.  Even family members are aware of the general concepts they just don't know or need details.

As for the future ... I see my girl finding work locally and moving in with us.  My hope is to find another male slave that so fits in with myself and my other two that I'll be content to have him and feel my family whole.  What will actually happen only the universe knows and will provide as it sees fit.  I'll just keep being and flowing with it :)

Ms Lemon



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