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It's all in a name...or is it? - 5/29/2008 8:09:06 PM

popoki

Posts: 11
Joined: 4/10/2008
Status: offline

Titles....it is not all in a name...or is it? I was approached by another in one of the chatrooms I visit that I appear disrespectful because I dont use Domme titles/protocal in the chatrooms..Ms/Mistress/Lady/Miss etc. For me, I address those by their name. For example, MsBoldOne...I would address as BoldOne or LadyofAtlanta..I address as Atlanta. You get the point.

For me, it is not my way to address Dommes by title. For me, this is not meant as a disrespectful act...it is just not my way. Truth be told....if this were r/t...this would not be such an issue.

If Oone can't see past this and not see what is really important in this life (at least in my eyes)....trust, truth, honest, respectful and being real...among other things.... then Yyou and I have different opinions of what Wwe hold important in this lifestyle. To agree to disagree. I can respect that. So why is it so hard for Oothers to respect my opinion? So I wanted to post this subject to see what Yyour thoughts are on the subject...

_____________________________

popoki...

If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude.
Maya Angelou

Post #: 1

RE: It's all in a name...or is it? - 5/29/2008 8:17:04 PM

darchChylde

Posts: 5279
Joined: 9/28/2006
From: Warm Springs, GA but i live in San Francisco.
Status: offline

Well, in chatrooms; it is less about titles and more about addressing someone in the manner they choose to go by. Just about the only time i call any but my Dominant by their title is on forums and in chat. To do otherwise is not disrespecting their title, but actually assuming a familiarity with someone that you have not necessarily earned. That is a clear matter of respect.

_____________________________

I'm the man your mother warned you about...
if only to keep me to herself.

I'm a male dominant switch whose experienced as a poly sub to a dominant woman
.
Where the fuck do I post?

Proud Owner and Protector of chyldeschylde.

(in reply to popoki)

Post #: 2

RE: It's all in a name...or is it? - 5/29/2008 8:20:33 PM

Usako

Posts: 697
Joined: 7/29/2006
From: NYC
Status: offline

People just take things too seriously.

(in reply to darchChylde)

Post #: 3

RE: It's all in a name...or is it? - 5/29/2008 8:32:47 PM

darchChylde

Posts: 5279
Joined: 9/28/2006
From: Warm Springs, GA but i live in San Francisco.
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Usako

People just take things too seriously.

and you are the authority at where to place that imaginary line?

_____________________________

I'm the man your mother warned you about...
if only to keep me to herself.

I'm a male dominant switch whose experienced as a poly sub to a dominant woman
.
Where the fuck do I post?

Proud Owner and Protector of chyldeschylde.

(in reply to Usako)

Post #: 4

RE: It's all in a name...or is it? - 5/29/2008 9:42:04 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

And see, I think writing "Oone" is dorky, while referring to someone by their full screen name is good manners. What if I started calling darchChylde just "Chylde"? Sounds like a put-down -- unless he and I know each other, and we don't. How much would it cost you to treat someone the way they want to be treated? I'm not exactly feeling your pain here.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to darchChylde)

Post #: 5

RE: It's all in a name...or is it? - 5/29/2008 9:54:01 PM

Shawn1066

Posts: 987
Joined: 10/7/2007
Status: offline

This is the prime reason I don't enter chatrooms. I refuse to have to give somebody a title just because they feel they deserve one. My Owner earned the right to be referred to as my Owner, Ma'am, and the like. It's not something that I give out lightly, and I will not treat somebody else as a superior just because they happen to be dominant.

The only way I will call somebody else, in a chatroom, Ma'am is if she calls me Sir. After all, we're equals.

DV's Fox

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 6

RE: It's all in a name...or is it? - 5/30/2008 1:15:42 AM

SephandElena

Posts: 52
Joined: 4/7/2008
Status: offline

I have another way around it.

When chatting online, I will usually call each person by their exact chatroom name until told otherwise (or given a more valid reason for not doing so). I do this for more than one reason. The first is respect of what they choose to call themselves, and the second is the sheer amount of people who put both their own name and the name of their Dom/me/sub/slave in with their name. Which one is talking? If you've only just met, it's impossible to know without checking profiles, and in a room of 60 or more... there just isn't time. Also sometimes the profiles are blank or tell you nothing.

The true respect, which Dom/mes must earn IMHO, is do you call them Sir/Ma'am after every sentance addressing them? When I was still finding myself and still in the sub frame of mind, my requirement was that they earn the additional respect before I would do such. Those that demanded it of me before I knew them and had decided, were then no longer spoken to at all, and usually put on block so I would not feel tempted to speak to them or make comments about them.

Well, just my two pence.

Seph aka Reb.

(in reply to Shawn1066)

Post #: 7

RE: It's all in a name...or is it? - 5/30/2008 1:23:30 AM

MissMagnolia

Posts: 3636
Status: offline

Yes, it is important to me. When you don't know me, use the name I have provided. I don't like over familiarity, and shortening my name is over familiar and ill mannered. When you know me, you can call me by a nickname. A complete stranger calling me mags is NOT a good way of getting on my good side. However, friends call me Mags, MissM, doubleM and once, I believe, Maggles!!

_____________________________

if at first you dont succeed..then skydiving isnt for you

Resident Whip Cracker AND Resident Orbs Of Joy.

(in reply to SephandElena)

Post #: 8

RE: It's all in a name...or is it? - 5/30/2008 1:29:03 AM

LadySatara

Posts: 14
Joined: 4/20/2008
Status: offline

I show respect where I see it is earned. Such a case would be with sir, where he deserves it from me. And to those I may contact for the first time to show that I will repect them until proving other wise. If it is demanded of me most likely it will not be giving unless it is sir. Since I am an equal to all others in exception to my master.

(in reply to SephandElena)

Post #: 9

RE: It's all in a name...or is it? - 5/30/2008 3:34:22 AM

MaamJay

Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline

I'm with Mags

(sorry I couldn't resist!) ... use the name I have given or ask how I would like to be addressed. That's just good manners and is something I do in everyday life ... even in vanilla life! As a teacher I ALWAYS asked My students if there was a form of their name that they preferred ... as I knew only too well the pain of teachers calling Me by My full name which was only used at home when I was in deep shit LOL! I STILL jump when I hear that name! So be polite and ask! I don't insist on everyone calling Me Maam ... I usually say that Jay is fine unless you are personally involved with Me.

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to LadySatara)

Post #: 10

RE: It's all in a name...or is it? - 5/30/2008 3:38:00 AM

MissMagnolia

Posts: 3636
Status: offline

ROFLMAO!! Cheeky chops!!!

_____________________________

if at first you dont succeed..then skydiving isnt for you

Resident Whip Cracker AND Resident Orbs Of Joy.

(in reply to MaamJay)

Post #: 11

RE: It's all in a name...or is it? - 5/30/2008 4:02:33 AM

MladyHathor

Posts: 510
Joined: 4/6/2008
Status: offline

Nope, dont like it, familiarity breeds contempt----until I tell someone they can shorten it, I take offense.

_____________________________

The Mistress Hathor, always and forever, much to the disdain and discomfort of others.

(in reply to popoki)

Post #: 12

RE: It's all in a name...or is it? - 5/30/2008 5:42:28 AM

slaveluci

Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Shawn1066

This is the prime reason I don't enter chatrooms. I refuse to have to give somebody a title just because they feel they deserve one. My Owner earned the right to be referred to as my Owner, Ma'am, and the like. It's not something that I give out lightly, and I will not treat somebody else as a superior just because they happen to be dominant.

The only way I will call somebody else, in a chatroom, Ma'am is if she calls me Sir. After all, we're equals.

DV's Fox

Totally agreed, Fox. DarchChylde said to not address them by such a title is "actually assuming a familiarity with someone that you have not necessarily earned. That is a clear matter of respect." I say to expect others to refer to them by such a title straight off the bat is every bit as disrespectful. It works both ways IMO.

As you said, that's why I avoid the situation to start with. I don't need virtual-stranger-dominant-types getting all annoyed when I don't show honor just because they say to

............luci

< Message edited by slaveluci -- 5/30/2008 5:44:56 AM >

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to Shawn1066)

Post #: 13

RE: It's all in a name...or is it? - 5/30/2008 5:51:38 AM

WillSubmitt

Posts: 2
Joined: 5/23/2008
Status: offline

This is the first i have heard of a dom or domme having to "earn" anything, especially respect from a sub or slave. By virtue of their station in life, I feel respect is to be expected and can only be revoked by actions or words. So, I guess I would always try to be respectful of any dom or domme unless they have given me reason not to do so. And I would never call a dom or domme anything they haven't given me permission to call them.

(in reply to slaveluci)

Post #: 14

RE: It's all in a name...or is it? - 5/30/2008 6:02:49 AM

ShiftedJewel

Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline

I absolutely hate it when someone I don't know calls me Mistress. Yes, I'm a Mistress, I'm just not everyone's Mistress. Yes, I want my nic used, preferrably the second half of it. But that's because of some of the names I've been called due solely to typos... I've been Shafted, Shatted, Shot, and even once I was ShittedJewel... that was Scooters typo. For me, familiarity, to a point, is flattering. I shorten names... hell, I even make them up when someone comes in as a guest, and I don't do numbers in a nic, numbers in a nic drive me nuts. You know... John293750238120975... oh screw that... lol Use some imagination and come up with a nic that hasn't been used four million times.

But then again, I've been told I have a bad attitude... but I'm kind of attached to it, it's the only one I've got.

Jewel

Had to add a reply to WillSubmitt.

I fully expect to earn every ounce of respect and trust I get, by virtue of my humanity, I am a person first, a dominant second. Subs/slaves are also people first, their station, or their choice of station in life doesn't mean they need to feel lessor as a person or less deserving of respect just as a dominant doesn't automatically deserve to be looked up to simply because they state their preferred station in life.

< Message edited by ShiftedJewel -- 5/30/2008 6:06:32 AM >

_____________________________

Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

(in reply to WillSubmitt)

Post #: 15

RE: It's all in a name...or is it? - 5/30/2008 6:04:16 AM

chezzy71

Posts: 412
Joined: 4/19/2008
Status: offline

For the sake of my fingers...if i get to know a Domina in a chatroom and have had at least two to three conversations with her and we are just friends as she most likely has another,then i will use initials and my example would be Lady Pact.Even though i have never spoken with her..i would use LP in the chatroom or if you will..i have spoken with Lashra a couple of times and used Lash.She didn't get bent out of shape about it either but then again,i think she was also well aware i wasn't trying to disrespect her.That thought would never cross my mind anyways.I just think it depends on the individual and how comforable one is when being addressed.

(in reply to WillSubmitt)

Post #: 16

RE: It's all in a name...or is it? - 5/30/2008 8:25:15 AM

Steponme73

Posts: 552
Joined: 11/9/2007
Status: offline

We have had 15 posts to this topic and have covered the full spectrum of responses. So, what is the real answer? Show respect, be polite, try not to offend and if you do apologize. It is obvious to me that with some people they won't care and with others they do. So, if you screw up and use a short version of their screen name and they take offense....tell them your sorry and don't do it again.

(in reply to chezzy71)

Post #: 17

RE: It's all in a name...or is it? - 5/30/2008 9:26:42 AM

undergroundsea

Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

I see both sides of the discussion.

I suppose I lean towards the when in Rome do as the Romans bit. The culture of our local group goes by a first name basis, which is what I use there. If someone has introduced self with a title and I am ok with that title, I use it. In a femdom group with which I associate, a title is used before a woman's name, and there I do that.

In person, if one is uncomfortable using a title, it is easy to have conversations without ever referring to the name or title.

I see the point that shortening a name without first asking may suggest familiarity that is uncomfortable. Online, I tend to use the full screenname. If a woman asks me to address her with a title, I am fine with it. If she asks me to use a title and I am uncomfortable using one for her, odds are I would not be interacting much with her anyway.

My suggestion to the OP is to use a name like MasterPopokiTheSub. That way, if anyone gives you heat about not using a title you can say, that's MasterPopokiTheSub, thank you, very much.

;-)

More seriously, how about saying to a person that you feel odd about titles outside a D/s relationship and if you may (you are asking permission to be respectful) call them __. It's when in a formal business meeting, people address each other as Title. Lastname until one says, you are welcome to call me FirstName, or one asks, may I call you FirstName?

And to continue being serious, logic would say that the men and women here who feel it is inappropriate of the OP to shorten names due to question about politeness or unearned familiarity would address him as MasterPopoki or SirPopoki if that was his screenname. If not, there is a disconnect here that would be interesting to discuss.

quote:

ORIGINAL: WillSubmitt
This is the first i have heard of a dom or domme having to "earn" anything, especially respect from a sub or slave.

To some people, using a title means not simply respect but subservience. To that extent, it is not the question of earning basic respect but of earning subservience or respect beyond that commongly given. The text above suggests that using a title towards all dominants is a duty of all submissives whereas I see it to be a choice or a courtesy extended.

quote:

By virtue of their station in life, I feel respect is to be expected and can only be revoked by actions or words. So, I guess I would always try to be respectful of any dom or domme unless they have given me reason not to do so.

The text suggests that choosing or having a preference for dominance is equivalent to an accomplishment. If this is what you mean, please help me see the basis for it. How does finding psychosexual gratification in dominance equate to an accomplishment?

While I might show greater deference to dominant women as part of courtship, or adopt a more formal mannerism when the culture of an event calls for it, I lean most towards general social etiquette; I try to extend respect to all people from where it may go up or down based their conduct.

Cheers,

Sea

< Message edited by undergroundsea -- 5/30/2008 10:02:21 AM >

(in reply to WillSubmitt)

Post #: 18

RE: It's all in a name...or is it? - 5/30/2008 12:47:04 PM

ElanSubdued

Posts: 1511
Status: offline

WillSubmitt,

quote:

This is the first i have heard of a dom or domme having to "earn" anything, especially respect from a sub or slave. By virtue of their station in life, I feel respect is to be expected and can only be revoked by actions or words.

Sea (oops... I mean, MasterUndergroundSeaTheSub :-) caught this and I agree with his thoughts. To me, there is a huge difference between the courtesy one generally extends to everyone and the type of respect and trust given to someone who has earned this. Now true enough, there is a bit of crossover in that many of us extend "courteous respect" all the time. This is certainly my own personal style. However, respect and trust that involve a person's quality of character, skills, judgment, and honesty come partly from their position and in huge part from being earned and demonstrated, and this goes both ways.

I used to blanket trust authority figures by nature of their position. My logic was, if they got to that stature, they must be good leaders and good people. Now, after having lived quite a bit of life, I realize there are a myriad of ways superiors get to their position and keep their position. Not all of these are good or ethical, nor do they speak for the quality of someone's personage. Thus, the old adage "actions and demonstration speak louder than words" applies rather aptly. I don't see this as being any different with BDSM folk.

I'll give a personal example. At the outset, when I don't know a Domina at all, I am courteous to her, but she has not yet earned my trust. Therefore, early on, I try to avoid situations where I must reply on that person's judgment and ethics exclusively. In the past, there have been Dominas to whom I gave instant trust. Sometimes this worked out, but more often than not, giving this type of admiration too early was unhealthy, unwarranted, and had disastrous consequences. These days, I build relationships slowly and through much communication, observation, and shared experience with my partner. Respect and trust are part of this package and, as I noted above, are built and earned in both directions (from Dominant to submissive and from submissive to Dominant).

Elan.

(in reply to WillSubmitt)

Post #: 19

RE: It's all in a name...or is it? - 5/30/2008 2:09:46 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadySatara
I show respect where I see it is earned.

I start from the position that every single human being deserves respect, and it is up to them to "un-earn" it from me. A few people have accomplished that in my life, but not many. I would save maybe 1/10th of one second in my life if I typed "Magnolia" and "Hathor" -- so WTF? My tenth of a second is more important than their feeling comfortable?

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to LadySatara)

Post #: 20

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