Gorgias
Posts: 41
Joined: 10/31/2007 Status: offline
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I'm a submissive in my older teens. I just recently met a guy online, and we've been meeting in person almost daily since I came back home from college. We'll only have the opportunity to do so for, well, tomorrow, as I will soon be returning to the city where I'm in college. This was our third meeting. The first was a pretty mundane affairs; some cuffs to the wall, some light flogging, me attempting to give him a blowjob and failing, him giving me one (an odd thing for a dom, but I gathered he wanted me to remember my first time well. The second time, we escalated it: the restraints got a bit more elaborate, he tried some candle wax, still pretty light pain but more than the previous night, and fucked me in the ass, quite slow and gently. Frankly, I was ecstatic; I'd never felt happier to be alive. Tonight... He pushed me just a little farther than I was willing to go. Odd that it was from something almost completely vanilla in nature; but he fucked me harder- well, a lot harder- than I was capable of handling. I don't doubt that his intentions were benign; he merely thought I could take it. In retrospect, I should have done a better job of communicating my discomfort- maybe invoked my safeword. He's no mind-reader; mistakes are going to be made; both of us will miscommunicate and push not enough or too hard. Then again, I hear here "It's partially my fault," and, "these sorts of things happen in an S&M relationship" - the calling cards of an abused sub. Then again, to his credit, as soon as I made it known that I was in rough shape and that things had strayed into the unenjoyable for me, he stopped, without me using my safeword- he didn't even come tonight. Then, later that night, as I was tossing and turning in bed, it hit me, and I felt fairly guilty. In my reticence to do so, I had deprived him of his property- and what right had I to do so? It was his, not mine, and a revolt against all that was....natural? that he had not got to come that night. That I had no right to my own body. Needless to say, this scared the shit of me. I'm coming perilously close to enjoying the sort of abuse- unintentional as it may have been- last night, at losing my ability to say no, and becoming less and less likely that I will communicate my state to him, feeling that he ought to take whatever he can. But it feels so good. At the same time, I'm in a pretty dark place right now. I'm only fortunate that I have a partner who I can trust here, and I know that he will never harm me in that way willingly. What do I do?
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