Help a dazed and confused under-20 sub.

Help a dazed and confused under-20 sub. (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion

Message

Gorgias -> Help a dazed and confused under-20 sub. (5/29/2008 2:03:03 AM)
I'm a submissive in my older teens. I just recently met a guy online, and we've been meeting in person almost daily since I came back home from college. We'll only have the opportunity to do so for, well, tomorrow, as I will soon be returning to the city where I'm in college. This was our third meeting. The first was a pretty mundane affairs; some cuffs to the wall, some light flogging, me attempting to give him a blowjob and failing, him giving me one (an odd thing for a dom, but I gathered he wanted me to remember my first time well. The second time, we escalated it: the restraints got a bit more elaborate, he tried some candle wax, still pretty light pain but more than the previous night, and fucked me in the ass, quite slow and gently. Frankly, I was ecstatic; I'd never felt happier to be alive. Tonight... He pushed me just a little farther than I was willing to go. Odd that it was from something almost completely vanilla in nature; but he fucked me harder- well, a lot harder- than I was capable of handling. I don't doubt that his intentions were benign; he merely thought I could take it. In retrospect, I should have done a better job of communicating my discomfort- maybe invoked my safeword. He's no mind-reader; mistakes are going to be made; both of us will miscommunicate and push not enough or too hard. Then again, I hear here "It's partially my fault," and, "these sorts of things happen in an S&M relationship" - the calling cards of an abused sub. Then again, to his credit, as soon as I made it known that I was in rough shape and that things had strayed into the unenjoyable for me, he stopped, without me using my safeword- he didn't even come tonight. Then, later that night, as I was tossing and turning in bed, it hit me, and I felt fairly guilty. In my reticence to do so, I had deprived him of his property- and what right had I to do so? It was his, not mine, and a revolt against all that was....natural? that he had not got to come that night. That I had no right to my own body. Needless to say, this scared the shit of me. I'm coming perilously close to enjoying the sort of abuse- unintentional as it may have been- last night, at losing my ability to say no, and becoming less and less likely that I will communicate my state to him, feeling that he ought to take whatever he can. But it feels so good. At the same time, I'm in a pretty dark place right now. I'm only fortunate that I have a partner who I can trust here, and I know that he will never harm me in that way willingly. What do I do?

MaamJay -> RE: Help a dazed and confused under-20 sub. (5/29/2008 2:23:12 AM)
I think this is way too much too soon and you're not mentally ready yet. It is thrilling when you come the point of being able to give over your body ... but the third meeting is too soon for that. And you are right, he's not a mind-reader ... he needs a lot of feedback from you as sub and as human being. To My mind, to rob him of that is a far more serious "crime" than robbing him of taking what he could have done from you. Knowledge is power ... so if you really want him to have the power over you ... give him the knowledge. Remember that exploring the darker side is as scary for the Dominant as it is for the sub ... communication is critical throughout a relationship, but never more so than at the beginning. Talk about this with him, find out how he's feeling about it and tell him how you are feeling. And remember, while the actions may look similar, there is a massive difference between consensual rough sex and non-consensual abuse. There's a lot you need to get your head around I think ... you are to be congratulated for thinking about this as you have, but also give yourself time to process everything too. Maam Jay aka violet[A]

JonasW -> RE: Help a dazed and confused under-20 sub. (5/29/2008 2:33:44 AM)
Talk with him! Tell him how you felt and actually feel about the last meeting. He can't know, cause he's not a mind reader. Even in a Vanilla relationship partners have to get to know each other slowly and in the first nights this might bring up some problems. In a BDSM relationship, when someone is giving up his will/rights for a session or just the moment, this need to communicate is even much bigger. As Maam Jay already said, every hint he gets from you abut your feelings, your emotions or your dreams gives him power...and if he's sensitive enough, also the possibility to react in a way, that won't harm you in future. Jonas

RCdc -> RE: Help a dazed and confused under-20 sub. (5/29/2008 3:06:46 AM)
Hello G I am going to say the same and something I believe you already know. Talk to him. Until you do, everything else is just second guessing. Communicate. He has to be kept informed, particularly of your emotional state otherwise he can't make informed decisions. Secondly. I am not going to say you have moved too fast - but do take a deep breath and check you are not in frenzy. I don;t get the impression that you are by your writings, but I do still advise you to look at what has happened in these three meetings and make sure you are scening because it is comfortable for you and not because you are over eager to experiment or to please. Thirdly - this only just occured? Give yourself time to process it. You may be dropping (have you heard of this?) - and in the next few hours or day you may drop more. Do not make any decisions or jump to concluesions. Feeling afraid or suffering from shock from what you were enjoying is totally reasonable - never mind that this is all new to you - it even happens to people who have been practising BDSM for years. Eat - depending on your health and dietry requirements obviously - take in some protein, sugar and carbs. Drink fluids like water, barley juice, pineapple or cranberry. If you can get someone to be with you try and arrange it - even if they don't know what you have been through(they don't have to) just get some company. the.dark.

Focus50 -> RE: Help a dazed and confused under-20 sub. (5/29/2008 4:31:47 AM)
Sounds like classic "too much, too soon" to me.... There's trust and then there's TRUST. You trusted him enough to play with; to have sex with - fair enough. The fact that you don't know each other that well was always gunna lead to communication problems - it happens. From my Dom perspective, I can relate that he started slowly and built up over several sessions; I do that as part of gauging a new partner's reactions etc. He also stopped once he was aware you were in trouble. All good points in his favour. *As for you, you didn't safeword - typical of a submissive, IMO. I get peeved at that with a new partner, but I'm also aware of the general reluctance, hence why I go slowly* and build up over time.** But the fact is, no matter what the headspace or dynamic you shared during those few play sessions, you surely can't be at a point where you're his overall property. You're waaaay too far ahead of the reality of this relationship. Property (IMO) is where committments are formed and maintained and what you describe here is a few early play sessions. That, to me, is drama-queening; you're treating a few dates like wedding bells are ringing...! What you have is a trustworthy play partner. You need to step back and take a few deep breaths before you suffocate him with all this "I'm his property and had no right blah blah..." crap - that's how you scare him off altogether. I'm into ownership dynamics myself, but I decide what I wanna own and invest in. If it's another person, then we decide mutually - it's called committment.... If it's thrust on me; it's creepy - and not just because I'm the old fashioned type who thinks Doms still make the decisions. Focus.

petdave -> RE: Help a dazed and confused under-20 sub. (5/29/2008 4:46:01 AM)
Sounds like you're experiencing a slightly different form of what's known as "sub frenzy"- you've found the D/s relationship you've always needed, and now you're throwing yourself into it emotionally with everything you've got. Exhilarating, but also scary. i disagree that "these sorts of things happen in an S&M relationship" is limited to abused subs. i think it's also a very pragmatic way to look at things- no Dominant can read minds. Wanting to push limits and bring the sub right to the edge of what they can handle is very common, and there's nothing at all wrong with it, but doing that requires an understanding that sometimes even the bottom doesn't know how he will react to something until he actually experiences it. i agree with the.dark that you may just need more time to process what you've just experienced. i've also found myself in scenes where, mentally, i felt as though i should safeword, but i wanted to please my partner even more. i've had scenes that ended because i wasn't strong enough to continue, and like you i ended up feeling guilty as hell about it. i think it's all part of the learning curve, and trying to accept that what happens in reality can be a lot more imprecise- and prone to stupid, random problems- than the way things play out in fantasy.

DesFIP -> RE: Help a dazed and confused under-20 sub. (5/29/2008 5:33:36 AM)
Let's reframe this. My car is my property. Yet it has the responsibility to put up warning signs if the oil is getting low, the coolant is getting low, there's a problem with the exhaust system. It comes with a dozen or more little pop up signs that I need to look up in the manual. But what it does first is put up a big red STOP. That's its job as my property to help me keep it in good shape. My job in order to be able to use it again the next day is to stop and look up the warning signal and then get it fixed. When it comes to people, even people who are property, it works the same way. In order to be there to be used tomorrow, you need to speak up today.

RavenMuse -> RE: Help a dazed and confused under-20 sub. (5/29/2008 5:41:05 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Gorgias I'm only fortunate that I have a partner who I can trust here, and I know that he will never harm me in that way willingly. That was the most telling line in your OP. Talk to Him, work on communication because, as you say however good He is, however careful, He isn't a mind-reader. Communicating your discomfort is NOT you taking control or denying Him anything. you need to realise you are simply giving Him information... without ALL the information to hand He can't make informed decisions. you are helping HIM be able to make better decisions. If My girl isn't comfortable, she lets Me know... it is then MY choise what to do about it... stop... change what I am doing slightly and carry on carefully... or even, should I be inclind, carry on and simply enjoy her discomfort (IF I am sure it will only hurt and not harm!)

Missokyst -> RE: Help a dazed and confused under-20 sub. (5/29/2008 6:07:42 AM)
It sounds like this guy is open to communication. Talk to him and let him know how your mind works. You jumped in to the deep end, now you need to let him know you might need a buoy while you get used to the depth. On another note I just want to say one thing. You seem to have a lot more sense than a lot of people I see jumping in and then crying "he is not a dominant!", when things don't work out the way of their fantasies. Use that sense and carry it further. That is maturity. I hope things work out well in your future. Kyst

fungasm -> RE: Help a dazed and confused under-20 sub. (5/29/2008 6:37:07 AM)
Reading between the lines, it sounds like you have a hard time communicating when he's there because of the sub/domme dynamic. I've been there and it's both lovely and terrible. That lovely point where you can't speak, even though you know you should. I have to say, the sounds of sex and the sounds of pain are rather similar- so if you had a safeword and didn't use it, he may think it was really good. If it's hard to communicate in person, send an e-mail. Or write him a short note for the next time you meet. You also may want to consider preparing yourself while you are back in college. If you talk to him, and you know that something he wants is fuck you hard (and you want this), than consider spending some time with some dildos and lube getting more comfortable with the actions and motion of penetration. After talking to him about this- about how you want to be used comfortably, you may want to make the "preparation training" part of your long distance communication. Good luck. Please let us know how it goes.

SimplyMichael -> RE: Help a dazed and confused under-20 sub. (5/29/2008 7:19:36 AM)
I wonder how many assumed you were a chick rather than a young boy? That said, for being young and male you seem to have your head on pretty straight and are struggling with perfectly normal conflicts in your head. In another post you wrote quote: Pathology? Absurd; I refuse to believe that something so wonderful is fundamentally sick. Try and remember that it isn't the act that is good or bad but the motivation. Slapping someone out of anger is a vastly different act than punching them in the boxing ring, as is spanking them on the ass during sex. I "rape" my partner all the time, no lube, no warmup, and love that it hurts and she is begging me to stop. I would kill anyone who even threatened to do any actual violence to her and am hyper aware of her emotional state when I am "hurting" her to ensure that what I am doing hasn't taken her to a bad emotional place. Also, you are new and first experiences with a crappy dominant can be amazing, if the dominant actually has any talent they can be mind blowing. It unlocks levels of emotions you have yet to learn how to handle but you will. Think about this, he stopped didn't he? He is in in charge correct? HE stopped which means stopping was his decision, not yours. If for a second I thought my partner was truly being hurt or my actions had taken her to a dark place I would stop on a dime and be happy to do so. It is the ability to walk that knifes edge of use and safety that creates real trust, showing someone that not only can you do anything to them but that you can get them to beg for it AND yet taking better care of them than anyone else ever has that creates the sort of trust that allows both of you to soar. I think you have what seems like a fine partner and the chance to have a very nice time!

Evility -> RE: Help a dazed and confused under-20 sub. (5/29/2008 7:49:04 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael I wonder how many assumed you were a chick rather than a young boy? They'd have to be pretty obtuse to read this: me attempting to give him a blowjob and failing, him giving me one and come to that conclusion.

RCdc -> RE: Help a dazed and confused under-20 sub. (5/29/2008 7:51:04 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Evility quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael I wonder how many assumed you were a chick rather than a young boy? They'd have to be pretty obtuse to read this: me attempting to give him a blowjob and failing, him giving me one and come to that conclusion. [sm=biggrin.gif]

SimplyMichael -> RE: Help a dazed and confused under-20 sub. (5/29/2008 7:52:27 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Evility quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael I wonder how many assumed you were a chick rather than a young boy? They'd have to be pretty obtuse to read this: me attempting to give him a blowjob and failing, him giving me one and come to that conclusion. I just took that as "him giving me oral" rather than "him sucking my cock"...I thought the post was fake because I couldn't believe a teen was so self aware. I tend to read profiles before I respond and even then I didn't notice it was a guy until something in the profile made me check. Perhaps I am just dense though, wouldn't be the first time.

RedMagic1 -> RE: Help a dazed and confused under-20 sub. (5/29/2008 8:16:37 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Gorgias I hear here "It's partially my fault," and, "these sorts of things happen in an S&M relationship" - the calling cards of an abused sub. It is partly the fault of the abused person -- and it's not always the "sub" -- in a relationship if the abuse continues. First time, ok, honest mistake, or didn't see the warning signs. Allow a pattern to emerge, and it's on both of you, not just one. I strongly agree with SimplyMichael's first post.

slavegirljoy -> RE: Help a dazed and confused under-20 sub. (5/29/2008 9:24:41 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Gorgias I'm a submissive in my older teens. I just recently met a guy online, and we've been meeting in person almost daily since I came back home from college. quote: This was our third meeting. quote: He pushed me just a little farther than I was willing to go. quote: I felt fairly guilty. In my reticence to do so, I had deprived him of his property- and what right had I to do so? It was his, not mine, and a revolt against all that was....natural? that he had not got to come that night. That I had no right to my own body. quote: What do I do? You are very young. You haven't even finished growing yet. You have a lot of life ahead of you. And yet, you consider yourself to be another man's property when you have only met 3 times? Why not give yourself time to finish growing, becoming an adult, have fun, explore life and yourself and the possibilities that are available to you, before you commit yourself to being another man's property and giving up your 'right' to your own body? There's nothing wrong with playing, dating, having a boyfriend, practicing giving blow jobs but, why not wait awhile before making that sort of commitment to someone? Also, learn to speak up for yourself. Learn to speak openly and honestly with the person you are having sex with. Maybe some men want a 'silent partner', so to speak, but, i think most of them really do want to know what you are thinking and feeling and experiencing. So, learn to say it. Look, i know i'm old enough to be your mother but, i still remember what it was like to be in my late teens and early 20's and it was a blast and i wasn't about to be any man's wife or property at that age. Why not give yourself more time before making that sort of commitment to one person? Well, that's my advice, since you asked. Do with it what you will and best wishes to you in successfully completing your studies and in having a full and satisfying life. joy Owned servant of Master David

LilMissHaven -> RE: Help a dazed and confused under-20 sub. (5/29/2008 9:40:07 AM)
At this point I would definately not label your experiance as abusive. But, then I only save the term abuse for actual out of control, in the moment reactions to behaviors ie a sub mouths off to her Dom and he backhands her knocking out a tooth...clearly abuse. I'm not one to label a consential act even if it results in intended or unintended pain as abuse. I'm more apt to label the experiance you shared with us as mis-communication, confusion, uncertainty, etc. Which is completly normal in the beginning of any relationship. But, you have the added guilt of handing someone your submission and then snatching it back the minute it becomes too painful. I've been there! I can remember the internal struggle within your mind "I can't take this anymore, its not my right, I want to be a good slave, etc ,etc" and the whole time your mind is fighting this internal battle your body is taking more and more Ummmm punishment until it all boils down to STOP!!!!! When in fact had you both sat down and discussed what was going to happen and had talked about the internal confusion new subs go thru you may have been able to use hand signals or slow down words allowing you to work your way up to a good hard fucking. Basically, it all comes down to if you think this relationship is worth saving then sit your partner down and explain that your having trouble taking control back when things get too frightening or painful and develop a system of hand signals or words letting him know where you head space is at. In my past relationship we used the stop light system which is basically Green for good to push further, yellow for I'm scared or highly uncomfortable and close to bailing, red for STOP. The beauty in this sort of relationship is that two people with two highly different needs are feeding off of and into each other. My Dom needed to know that I'd allow myself to be put in an uncomfortable place for him whether it be mental or physical and I needed to know I could trust him to stop. It all comes down to reinforcing you can trust this person with your life or at least it is for me. Wishing you the best of luck Haven

Gorgias -> RE: Help a dazed and confused under-20 sub. (5/29/2008 10:50:18 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Focus50 Sounds like classic "too much, too soon" to me.... There's trust and then there's TRUST. You trusted him enough to play with; to have sex with - fair enough. The fact that you don't know each other that well was always gunna lead to communication problems - it happens. From my Dom perspective, I can relate that he started slowly and built up over several sessions; I do that as part of gauging a new partner's reactions etc. He also stopped once he was aware you were in trouble. All good points in his favour. *As for you, you didn't safeword - typical of a submissive, IMO. I get peeved at that with a new partner, but I'm also aware of the general reluctance, hence why I go slowly* and build up over time.** But the fact is, no matter what the headspace or dynamic you shared during those few play sessions, you surely can't be at a point where you're his overall property. You're waaaay too far ahead of the reality of this relationship. Property (IMO) is where committments are formed and maintained and what you describe here is a few early play sessions. That, to me, is drama-queening; you're treating a few dates like wedding bells are ringing...! What you have is a trustworthy play partner. You need to step back and take a few deep breaths before you suffocate him with all this "I'm his property and had no right blah blah..." crap - that's how you scare him off altogether. I'm into ownership dynamics myself, but I decide what I wanna own and invest in. If it's another person, then we decide mutually - it's called committment.... If it's thrust on me; it's creepy - and not just because I'm the old fashioned type who thinks Doms still make the decisions. Focus. Believe me, I hear where you're coming from. I neither expected nor wanted to be this far 3 sessions in, and it scares the bejezzus out of me, at least in part because, as you said, this sort of dynamic isn't at all what's been built up in such a short amount of time. But I can't turn off my emotions. quote: ORIGINAL: RavenMuse quote: ORIGINAL: Gorgias I'm only fortunate that I have a partner who I can trust here, and I know that he will never harm me in that way willingly. That was the most telling line in your OP. Talk to Him, work on communication because, as you say however good He is, however careful, He isn't a mind-reader. Communicating your discomfort is NOT you taking control or denying Him anything. you need to realise you are simply giving Him information... without ALL the information to hand He can't make informed decisions. you are helping HIM be able to make better decisions. If My girl isn't comfortable, she lets Me know... it is then MY choise what to do about it... stop... change what I am doing slightly and carry on carefully... or even, should I be inclind, carry on and simply enjoy her discomfort (IF I am sure it will only hurt and not harm!) Yeah, I understand that. I think I won't have a problem with this any more. quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael quote: ORIGINAL: Evility quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael I wonder how many assumed you were a chick rather than a young boy? They'd have to be pretty obtuse to read this: me attempting to give him a blowjob and failing, him giving me one and come to that conclusion. I just took that as "him giving me oral" rather than "him sucking my cock"...I thought the post was fake because I couldn't believe a teen was so self aware. I tend to read profiles before I respond and even then I didn't notice it was a guy until something in the profile made me check. Perhaps I am just dense though, wouldn't be the first time. I'm blushing now. Thanks for the compliment =P I think what's surprised me most is how much this has affected me emotionally. Sure, I was expecting it to be torrid and wonderful and terrifying at the same time, but I wasn't expecting my submission to him deepen so much after only 3 meetings. I've got a lot to learn.

Maya2001 -> RE: Help a dazed and confused under-20 sub. (5/29/2008 11:45:33 AM)
some info on sub frenzy --> http://www.albanypowerexchange.com/Lifestyle/sub_frenzies.htm

SirDominic -> RE: Help a dazed and confused under-20 sub. (5/29/2008 1:51:39 PM)
You know, you said in your profile "I like to take things a bit slowly, talking to you a bit online and doing a few vanilla (nonsexual) things together before we get to the part with whips and chains." And you did rather the opposite. Went into this relationship full tilt the very first meeting, and rapidly escalated it. I know all of this can be very heady (excuse the pun) for someone. My concern is that you are allowing the thrill of the moment to overpower the sensible cautions you mentioned above. You are fortunate you met up with someone who was concerned about your wellbeing. This could have turned out drastically differently. Best advise I can give is to try and approach this relationship as you would have approached a "normal" one. Most people who meet in the vanilla world for the first time do not jump right into the deep end of the relationship (please notice I did say "most"). Fetish relationships often follow similar patterns. There is no rush. Believe me, you will get all the sensory overload you can handle and more as a relationship deepens.

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.140625