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The 100% Factor - 5/20/2008 12:00:55 PM

SirJoe1211

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I am inspired to write today about relationships; be they on-line, in-person, long-distance, or whatever and the fallacies behind them.
We as humans have limited time on this planet and in that time we have certain needs that must be met; food, shelter, and so on including “interpersonal connections.” From the time we are born we feel the warmth of being touched from our mother, father and grandparents. As we grow and mature the touch and feeling of connection expands to friends and social contacts and by early adolescence we seek physical connections, emotional and sexual. Regardless of the sexual preference we exhibit the need for this tactile connection is real and necessary.
The evolution of dating has gone from clubbing a woman over the head and dragging her back to our cave to an increasingly fickle electronic evaluation process. Now, the “konk and drag” method of making interpersonal connections is a crude and unsophisticated way of determining compatibility. But as crude as it may have been, people survived their differences and we as a species survived. Today we have global access to people and we have never been more alone. As you read this, how many years have you been searching online for that lifelong connection? The internet dating boom has spawned very unproductive side affect. I call this the “100% Factor.” This is the idealistic and fantasy driven fallacy that there is a “perfect” match for us if we seek it long enough we will find it. But as we spend this time waiting and hoping and searching for the perfect match, we wind up missing out on getting to know people or having relationships with people that may have actually been better suited for us. This also breeds the fallacy that we need not work at a relationship to make it successful. If you disagree, just view the divorce rates.
Now, I know no one wants to quote/unquote “settle” for something less than they really want, and life is too short to spend it with someone you are NOT compatible with. But there is a HUGE difference between compatibility and the fantasy of perfection. If one was to ask me at 42 who my fantasy perfect relationship would be with, I would have to respond like this;
she is 20-23, she is 5’0” -5’2” tall, narrow hips and well defined facial features, blonde, shaved smooth, and has perfect B – C perky breasts with small to midsized nipples. She is a Daddy’s girl, a masochist, and extremely bisexual. She is educated and is driven by her slave heart to serve her master faithfully for the rest of her life. Never been married, has no kids and doesn’t really want them.
Is that girl out there, probably? Is she looking for me… Who knows? Should I spend my life sitting at home alone behind a computer screen waiting to find her and hoping that I am also what she seeks? HELL NO. I will say that my last wife was NONE of those things and I loved her with all my heart and soul and was never happier to be connected to someone in my life.   Nor were the last three women I had collared to me. But I will tell you this in all sincerely, I would not trade one minute of that time with any of those women for wasted time behind a computer monitor dreaming of a relationship that is not ever going to materialize.
It can’t ever materialize, because the factors of time and space are so vast that the probable connection of that perfect fantasy and me are ill fated to collide. Does that mean I am willing to settle for less than I deserve, or that any of us should? No it does not. What it does mean is that if we dismiss every single potential relationship because it does not meet the 100% factor, we are doomed to live our lives as online dreams and thus we will die never having lived at all.   And ultimately, isn’t that the point of these personals, and ads online, to meet and make more connections, rather than hide and have fewer.
Now, before you point out the nut-jobs, psychos, on-line stalkers and sociopaths that are a serious danger to us, not to mention a damn good reason to have a “disqualification process” when socializing using this medium. I agree that under these circumstances we need a much more strict process for weeding out those completely ill suited for us. Moreover, women in particular need to have a more discerning eye when it comes to the men they would consider meeting in person.
My point is that when a discriminating eye turns into a search for a non-existent fantasy and retards our ability to actually socialize with people in person it is detrimental to us as individuals and as a society. I can tell you about dozens of conversations I have had with women I felt I could have had a very real and solid connection with but with the turn of a single phrase or minor mismatched appreciation for this or that, the conversation abruptly ended and ultimately no connection was made.
One such instance of this involved a comment regarding my position on other women in what would have been our relationship. Mind you I had never met this person, and we were still in the “get-to-know-you” process. She asked about my desire to have other slaves, and said she had jealousy issues. “I said; “give me a year, and that will not be an issue for you.” Meaning that after being in a relationship with me for a year, she would see that my loyalty to her and what she and I were building together would have no need for jealousy. Also, a year from then I may have re-evaluated the desire for multiple slaves.   What she heard was, in a year, I will force you to be bisexual and accept other women. Rather than clarify my statements, she simply assumed for the worst and disappeared and occasionally reappeared form time to time and it took four months to finally understand how she had interpreted my statement. Ultimately her misinterpretation of my comment diffused any possibility of a relationship.
Is there a solution? I think there is. There is a middle ground between opening yourself up to a dangerous situation and waiting for some “prince/princess charming” that will never arrive. The solution is simple. Allow your criteria and parameters the flexibility to expand and contract. You cannot make an informed decision of a person based on one or two conversations. As is in any reality, perfection is attained through hard work and effort. If you expect to walk into any situation and assume life will be perfection, you set yourself up for disappointment every single solitary time. If you accept that a person who meets 75% of you expectations is way above the bell curve, then factor in daily life and the effort you and they will need to put forth to make that relationship successful, you may find that you are not compromising your fantasy, but rather living the dream.
Does this solution guarantee a successful relationship either? Not in the least. But as they say its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. This is true and yet heart breaking. However, I will go one better. “ALL RELATIONSHIPS FAIL!” The only successful one is with the person that is standing next to you at the moment of your death, and at that point, you will know it was successful. However, until that day arrives, even conceptually failed and flawed relationship are worth having and working for. I would rather risk everything and do my best to make a relationship work, than continue to be alone for even one more day. Why, because we learn through experience. Until we experience the highs and lows of interpersonal connections we will never get better at them.   The better we get the closer we come to that elusive successful relationship.   I assure you that sitting at home behind this monitor I gain no additional insights to relationship success. Those are only attained by actually having them!
The bottom line is; the 100% factor is never ever going to lead anyone to a successful relationship. It is only a guarantee that 100% of your life will be wasted waiting for a knock on the door that will never arrive. Get out from behind the monitor and live. Relationships take work and effort, if you’re so quick to retreat from a single conversation, how willing will you be to actually stay the course when real life gets hard? Consider that the next time the minutia of a mixed metaphor or a quirk is the elimination factor in your relationship evaluation process.
These are my thoughts and opinions on this topic, and you are welcome to agree or disagree according to your beliefs and experiences, but in the end – unless we step beyond the fantasy of perfection we are doomed to solitude and masturbation.
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Sir Joe

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RE: The 100% Factor - 5/20/2008 12:12:47 PM

OmegaG

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this isn't a BDSM thing.

Even up to 50 years ago relationships were more based on survival rather then "true love" and real compatibility. People got married because without modern appliences and convieninces one couldn't work and keep house at the same time. Marriage was a symbiotic relationship and people rarely stopped to think if they were "in love" with the person they bedded. Children were also a survival neccessity if one was lucky enough to get too old to take care of themselves.

We are pickier now because we can afford to be. Love happens for the most part when either someone comes along that meets your ideals close enough, changes them or when one gets tired of being alone.

ETA: I had to copy and paste to Word so I could have paragraphs, it helps with the reading comprehension.

< Message edited by OmegaG -- 5/20/2008 12:13:31 PM >

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RE: The 100% Factor - 5/20/2008 1:29:37 PM

TreasureKY

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What is perfect for me isn't necessarily perfect for anyone else. I didn't settle for less than what I was seeking and it didn't stop me from finding my perfect dom within less than six months here on CM.

Then again, my "requirements" did not revolve around physical characteristics such as height, body shape and hair color.

It sounds to me that you are attributing unrealistic desires and lack of flexibility as a way to assuage your own feelings of rejection and place the blame squarely on her shoulders. It appears to me that there is no blame... you were incompatible on a very fundamental issue that was of great importance to her. She was seeking a monogamous relationship and one that stayed that way. Whether you could successfully help her cope with her jealousy issues was irrelevant... that was obviously something she wasn't interested in.

I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than be with someone who was incompatible with me, my goals, and my desires.

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RE: The 100% Factor - 5/20/2008 2:17:59 PM

Owner4SexSlave

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Perfectly imperfected, is something I like to go for. Because it's more realistic..

Some people have it all worked out what they want out of another human being or relationship that it just is not going to happen.

However, we have to have a good idea of what we want or don't want.

OK, for instance, I myself. Yes, I'm very interested in M/s relationship, I'm open to Daddy/Daughter, I'm open minded to Poly. I'm open to being in Dom power couple relationship again. I am working with some generalizations here. Some people might feel threaten by a few things that I'm being open minded about, fine.   Just because I'm open to Poly does not mean I have to have Poly. Matter of fact, just because I'm open to having a relationship of some kind, does this mean I have to have one? Not really, I can stay single for the rest of my life.

Nobody is truely perfect, not even myself. There has to be a level of tolerence and acceptence. Understanding and patience.

Have you ever seen the Movie "The Breakfast Club", the whole bit about screws falling out of doors? Well screws fall out of what appear to be perfectly good doors every day.   Be it somebody intentional loosens them or not.   Somebody or something will always be messing with the Screws to our doors.

What is important is to have a Door for somebody to literally screw with. We have to have some ideal or basis of what we are looking for, or not looking for.   Ultimately, another person does not make us who or what we are, we have that power within.  But wait, other people and our interactions with them help shape and mold us to who were are along the way.

Everything is rather dynamic and subject to change at any given moment.   Good times and Bad times, there will be ups and downs.   People change, relationships even change.   Everything is a bit dynamic.

I have a loose framework of what I'm looking for, if somebody comes along that falls within it, Awesome. At times it could just be mere physical attraction, enough to want to feel things out more.

Not too long ago, I was involved with somebody, who was not offically part of "the lifestyle". Actually she found me using Myspace.   Besides the point. There was 1. Physical attraction 2. Mental Attraction 3. Common interests we had.   There was enough for me to say what the Hell why not go for it. All you need is a common base.

It would be crazy for me to draw up some fantasy image of a women, complete with blonde hair.   Have I been attracted to women with blond hair. Hell Yes, but also redheads and girls with other hair colors.  If I find somebody attractive, I find them attractive.   The combinations are varied, this is reality for me.  When somebody asks me what to I perfer Blondes, Redheads, Burnettes... I laugh my ass off at how stupid the question really is...

< Message edited by Owner4SexSlave -- 5/20/2008 2:20:16 PM >

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RE: The 100% Factor - 5/20/2008 2:56:49 PM

subtee

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SirJoe1211
[Snip]
Today we have global access to people and we have never been more alone. As you read this, how many years have you been searching online for that lifelong connection? The internet dating boom has spawned very unproductive side affect. I call this the “100% Factor.” This is the idealistic and fantasy driven fallacy that there is a “perfect” match for us if we seek it long enough we will find it.

Even though I hate math and I can’t do it and terminology like “bell curve” makes the bile rise right-up-to-here, I can’t think of anything that has a 100% factor, at least not for somewhat evolved adults.

quote:

But as we spend this time waiting and hoping and searching for the perfect match, we wind up missing out on getting to know people or having relationships with people that may have actually been better suited for us. This also breeds the fallacy that we need not work at a relationship to make it successful. If you disagree, just view the divorce rates.

It seems to me anyone who has had his or her heart broken at least once will realize the prince’s crown is tarnished and the princess’s tiara has paste for jewels. This and so many similar fairy tales have been around for ages; we’re ritualistically nourished by them from very young ages and only when we get bucked off the steed and our heart trampled upon do we truly realize the myth from the reality.

quote:

If one was to ask me at 42 who my fantasy perfect relationship would be with, I would have to respond like this; she is 20-23, she is 5’0” -5’2” tall, narrow hips and well defined facial features, blonde, shaved smooth, and has perfect B – C perky breasts with small to midsized nipples. She is a Daddy’s girl, a masochist, and extremely bisexual. She is educated and is driven by her slave heart to serve her master faithfully for the rest of her life. Never been married, has no kids and doesn’t really want them.

Noted, but...pass on a comment.

quote:

What it does mean is that if we dismiss every single potential relationship because it does not meet the 100% factor, we are doomed to live our lives as online dreams and thus we will die never having lived at all. And ultimately, isn’t that the point of these personals, and ads online, to meet and make more connections, rather than hide and have fewer.

What leads you to this assumption? Is it phraseology like "I won't settle for less..."?

quote:

One such instance of this involved a comment regarding my position on other women in what would have been our relationship. Mind you I had never met this person, and we were still in the “get-to-know-you” process. She asked about my desire to have other slaves, and said she had jealousy issues. “I said; “give me a year, and that will not be an issue for you.” Meaning that after being in a relationship with me for a year, she would see that my loyalty to her and what she and I were building together would have no need for jealousy. Also, a year from then I may have re-evaluated the desire for multiple slaves. What she heard was, in a year, I will force you to be bisexual and accept other women. Rather than clarify my statements, she simply assumed for the worst and disappeared and occasionally reappeared form time to time and it took four months to finally understand how she had interpreted my statement. Ultimately her misinterpretation of my comment diffused any possibility of a relationship.

But...this was about assumption, misapprehension, miscommunication...mishearing? I've missed how that indicates she was waiting for some 100% factor. It wasn't that she had brown hair and you dig blondes and you were talking about the possibility of her dyeing it down the road, it was that you were talking poly and she ain't no poly, crackah. (Sorry.) This would be a moment (among many) for clarity, it seems to me.

quote:

The bottom line is; the 100% factor is never ever going to lead anyone to a successful relationship. It is only a guarantee that 100% of your life will be wasted waiting for a knock on the door that will never arrive.

Neither will anything else, I'm thinking. I'm bothered by the word, "successful"...

quote:

Relationships take work and effort, if you’re so quick to retreat from a single conversation, how willing will you be to actually stay the course when real life gets hard? Consider that the next time the minutia of a mixed metaphor or a quirk is the elimination factor in your relationship evaluation process.

It seems to me it would be immaturity or perhaps someone extremely scared or intimidated by personal history to not understand this. Is this a common thing? Are people being "voted off the island" after having made an initial connection due to minutia and/or a single conversation?

I like this post. Well written, thank you.

< Message edited by subtee -- 5/20/2008 3:07:58 PM >

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RE: The 100% Factor - 5/20/2008 3:09:02 PM

camille65

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SirJoe1211

The evolution of dating has gone from clubbing a woman over the head and dragging her back to our cave to an increasingly fickle electronic evaluation process. Now, the “konk and drag” method of making interpersonal connections is a crude and unsophisticated way of determining compatibility. But as crude as it may have been, people survived their differences and we as a species survived. Today we have global access to people and we have never been more alone. As you read this, how many years have you been searching online for that lifelong connection? The internet dating boom has spawned very unproductive side affect. I call this the “100% Factor.” This is the idealistic and fantasy driven fallacy that there is a “perfect” match for us if we seek it long enough we will find it. But as we spend this time waiting and hoping and searching for the perfect match, we wind up missing out on getting to know people or having relationships with people that may have actually been better suited for us. This also breeds the fallacy that we need not work at a relationship to make it successful.

I don't think that what you call (good name btw) 'The 100% Factor' is new, not at all new. Just look at old fairy tales, a lot of those were built around the one true love idea. The expectation of instant gratification however is something I do see as a newer problem that has begun to permeate what sometimes seems to be every facet of life.But then, I could just be getting old! I think it was a good post overall, just that first bit struck me.

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RE: The 100% Factor - 5/20/2008 5:26:03 PM

DesFIP

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He looked about 3 years, I didn't look at all but he found me about a month after I showed up online. The difference here is that I wasn't into 'perfect' partners entirely composed of shallow physical characteristics. I had a couple of physical characteristics, about my age and about 6', but other than that my entire wish list was of moral qualities. I knew I wasn't compatible with a sadist, so only looked and talked seriously to other bondage freaks. But mainly I needed someone I could respect in every way.

Because I knew what I was looking for, it was easy for me to weed out the wheat from the chaff. And because what I was looking for was realistic, he wasn't that hard to find within a couple hundred miles.

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RE: The 100% Factor - 5/20/2008 7:05:04 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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Actually I choose to be as picky as I want to be. I also am fine with the consequences of being that way.

Of course in my case I happened to get more than I ever thought would exist for me and am still not at all convinced I deserve it, but there you have it.

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RE: The 100% Factor - 5/20/2008 8:15:42 PM

stella41b

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Okay, so let's assume that the average life expectancy is 85 years for the average person. Take away 15 of those years for childhood and growing pains and you're left with an average of 70 years. But we're talking about an average here, nothing is set in stone and so it could be more or it could be less. But within those seventy years how many months? How many weeks? How many days? Hours? Minutes? Moments? It takes just one moment for someone to come into your life, and another moment to realize that 'this is it'.

I could make a similar point about people. Are you aware of just how many people you have met or encountered in your life from birth right up until today? You just need one of them. Just one.

This is the ideal, the illusion, because although it is humanly possible to meet and fall in love with one person and spend the rest of your life with them it's about as distant and removed from everyone reading this I guess as any of the most popular fairy tales. Life is a sort of balancing act where you strive to be yourself and individual, and yet you are also subject to a large extent to other people - friends, family, employers, even neighbours and the people around you. The people in your life influence you, they influence your thinking, your feelings, even at times your emotions. Equally you influence them.

You are the sum total of your own perception of yourself, your past, inferences taken from your past experiences and the relationships with the people in your life, and that 'inner voice', your soul and how you perceive it. Your knowledge about yourself and other people only extends to the present. Beyond that it's speculation, intention, declaration and whatever else you decide to commit yourself to. If you are in a relationship with someone your relationship is only ever as stable as it has been right up until today.

Beyond that it's intentions, hopes, fears, dreams, wishes, and whatever else. All subject to change.

The key to being in a relationship with someone else is knowing yourself, knowing who you are, knowing what you need, what you desire, what direction your life is taking, and what you desire. This is in terms of you, personally, alone, on your own. Then you think about being in a relationship, which is usually based to some extent on your previous relationships, your background, even your childhood, and you start to think about what you need, want, expect from another person, what you can offer, provide, and some idea of how you would like a relationship to develop.

The thing is, unless you have a person in mind, or there before you, and you have some sort of relationship you don't know. You may think you know, you may even feel you know, but you don't know.

There's really only one way to get to know, and that is to find out. To try. Who knows? You don't know, the other person doesn't know, at least not until much later. I'm not saying go with everyone or be indiscriminate, there has to be sorting some wheat from chaff, some degree of responsibility, of being realistic, open, and straightforward.

What baffles me are these people looking for perfection in others, 'no baggage', or claiming that they haven't got any issues. That to me is complete and utter rubbish. Everyone's got issues, everyone. If you're breathing you've got issues, if you're still living you have a past, nobody is above or immune to the trials and stresses of life and other people. Nobody. We are all in some way defective, imperfect, dysfunctional, some way short of perfection.

You see to me life is very much like the sea. The sea can be dangerous enough to kill you, but if its power is understood it can also be safe and may even provide a lot of enjoyment. I often see people in life reacting to life pretty much as they would react if they were in the sea - some are seeking permanence, something to cling to, to hold onto, others are going with the flow, and some are trying to swim against the current because they want to get somewhere. Similarly some are struggling, about to go under, some are treading water, and some are doing fine swimming, diving, whatever else you can do with the sea.

The OP does contain numerous good points but rests on the premise that a relationship can be planned. Relationships are like babies, some are planned, some aren't. Or they just well, erm, er, sort of .. erm.. happen.. right when you least expect it. It's those moments you see. How many of you have found yourself caught up in a relationship or about to enter one when you least expected it, or when you were so determined to go it alone? Relationships appear to have teeth which are quite good at finding your bottom, or so it seems (a bit like those small terrier like dogs).

Relationships do have some absolutes it is true. A relationship only exists when it is shared between two people who need, want and desire to interact with each other. A relationship lasts only as long as it is allowed to develop, grow and change with the two people involved. I sometimes also wonder whether the primary purpose of a relationship is to bring out the better person in someone so that the next person can find them, but maybe I'm being a bit cynical here.

But I'd also like to cover some points implied by the OP and give my thoughts. Not being in a relationship doesn't make you any less of a person, it doesn't mean you are a failure, less successful, it just means that you are not with someone you feel is suitable with you or that you have no desire for a relationship at the moment. I'm sure if we were all meant to exist all the time in pairs we would have evolved into becoming Siamese twins. The amount of time you spend online or in front of a computer also bears no relation as to your ability to find yourself in a relationship. I know quite a few married computer programmers who spend a lot of time online.

It's down to your attitude, openness, sincerity, being yourself, being in the right place at the right time with the right person. It's down to luck.

Relationships are by and large a total crap shoot anyway until you've developed one in which you're happy with with someone else. Thereafter it's erm.. well.. er... go and ask an elderly couple who've been together 40 years or so. They know more than I do.

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