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RE: Married and the whole back alley thing - 5/21/2008 10:45:45 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Phin
shame on you... how can we be considered Masters? I hide my head in shame. *winks back*

My Master's Card is a stolen identity. SHHH! Don't tell!

Master Fire

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RE: Married and the whole back alley thing - 5/22/2008 5:52:42 AM

possessedone

Posts: 64
Joined: 8/28/2007
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Can the D/s call you when they are sick or hurt?
Master may call me 24/7 and vice versa....
If they died would you go to their funeral?
absolutely
If the marriage ended are you of the ilk to be a safety net?
I don't think so, but who knows.
If they needed money, would you help?
Absolutely
Are you there for emotional and mental support?
Always
Do you keep your eyes always open to what is happening beyond the two of you?
Yes
Are you prepared for a court issue?
I can't see there ever being a court issue, but if need be I will prepare for it the same as I do every other event in my life.

My master is married, and his wife is an awesome person. I care very much for both of them. She has my phone number and may call anytime as I may call her. When her and I have the same days off work we sometimes run together going shopping, or to baseball games, whatever. I am not, as someone else said here, "his dirty little secret". I have met some of their friends as they have met mine. Since Master has owned me the life of him and his wife has become intertwined with mine. It works for us.

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RE: Married and the whole back alley thing - 5/22/2008 6:03:02 AM

MladyHathor

Posts: 510
Joined: 4/6/2008
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A tough situation, rewarding in some areas and frustrating in others---hugs for posting--that was very brave.

Thank you.

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RE: Married and the whole back alley thing - 5/22/2008 8:26:01 AM

lapgirl

Posts: 116
Joined: 1/5/2006
Status: offline

Thank you for not passing judgement and the hug. It is a very tough situation and one i struggle with almost daily.

To those of you who seem to have the best of both worlds... how did you discuss this with your husband/wife? I did try to discuss BDSM with him very generally about 8 years ago.. and the reception and response i received is what made me never "go there" again with him. I was so hurt by things that were said, and it was clear at that point that it was never going to be something we did as a couple. So... the choice i made was perhaps not the wisest but i can't turn back now. Life is about learning , making mistakes and living. So... how did y'all handle this issue?

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RE: Married and the whole back alley thing - 5/22/2008 9:03:15 AM

sassysexygirl

Posts: 213
Joined: 8/23/2007
Status: offline

FR ~~

greetings A/all

MLadyHathor - thank You for this thread. a Man emailed me here recently and wowee we are such a match! however, He's married (and has been for 30 years) and in conversation it turns out she doesn't know about His outside interests. one of my few hard limits is no relationship with a Man who's SO can't know about it.

however, i did break down and we chatted once for a long time and like i said ,,, such a match!!!!! then i read this thread and i remembered ..... why i will not be with someone who's primary relationship cannot know about me. and i told Him ~~

"i have this in my profile ~~'i look to eventually, when appropriate, live with my Owner.' most everything else is negotiable. that is not. see, i do not wish to only see the One that owns me on a weekend or when convenient. to never wake up Christmas morning with Him, or to kneel and be prepared for His pleasure, whatever that pleasure may be, when He comes home from work. i realize as a slave i will not have expectations and rights. however, living with my Owner gives me certain things just because living with someone gives me those things."

so i cut-n-pasted the original post from here and said see, this is why we cannot be together. He said be well and it's over.

i'm old enough to have tried the "married man" thing once or twice. there's nothing but heartache and pain down the line. and since i am poly, what do i need cheating for anyway? LOL

well wishes MLady, and again my thanks
gemmie

< Message edited by sassysexygirl -- 5/22/2008 9:05:30 AM >

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RE: Married and the whole back alley thing - 5/22/2008 10:38:54 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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I'm not sure if this helps, but this is something I wrote on another thread.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

<Raises hand>

I did it. In fact, I did it for a few years. I met, dated, and loved a vanilla man Well, mostly vanilla. The first time we bought a 'play' flogger, I didn't even want to strike him with it, I was so afraid that the illusion I had created about My 'vanilla' self would crumble. I have to add in here that I wasn't nearly the sadist that I am today the first time I walked away from BDSM. I didn't know how I'd handle it if I stuck My toe back into the BDSM pool.

It happened anyway. When My husband and I started exploring poly, guess what kind of guy ended up being My first attempt? Yep. Submissive male. Next one. Yep. Submissive male again there, too. I had never specifically lied about My D/s relationships prior to us getting married, but I hadn't exactly disclosed everything either. Not even when My husband and I attended the funeral parlor together when I had received the news that My first slave had died.

So, My husband and I had to have a very long serious talk. I spilled My guts about My past in BDSM prior to meeting My husband. We talked about how much I needed it in My life, and he already knew that I had been just a little too knowledgeable about what I was doing with someone who was calling Me "Mistress" all of the time. Thankfully, he had seen how much happier I had been when I went back to being My real self, and we found a way for Me to have both.

Well, that so-called vanilla guy I married, turned out in having an interest in being a Dominant, too. These past couple of years, he's gotten his own start in the lifestyle. I have My collared submissive. We have an agreement between us that our primary relationship will come first, but I don't think he could ever ask Me to close this part of Me off again.

I say it on these boards all of the time. I am so thankful that it turned out this way.

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RE: Married and the whole back alley thing - 5/22/2008 11:54:01 AM

DominaMorticia

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Joined: 5/17/2008
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I have a D/s relationship with someone that is married. I am also married to my Master, and we are both looking for our own pets. I have found in life to never say "never", until the time comes, you just don't know. I will try to answer your questions as much as possible.

Can the D/s call you when they are sick or hurt? I do call him, though I have certain times I know I can't. I can write him emails and I know he will get back to me as soon as he can. My pet will be able to call me at any time, as my husband knows all about and agree's to the situation.

If they died would you go to their funeral? Yes, I would. He knows many, many people..so I wouldn't stick out like a sore thumb.

If the marriage ended are you of the ilk to be a safety net? Being that I am married, he and I could carry on our relationship. I wouldn't leave my hubby, but would be open to a poly dynamic.

If they needed money, would you help? I would do anything I could to help him. I can't give him money though, I figure we are both adults and we should take care of ourselves.

Are you there for emotional and mental support? He is great about being there for my emotional and mental support. I know that I can tell him anything and he will listen and try to help me. I would also be there for mine in any way that I can.

Do you keep your eyes always open to what is happening beyond the two of you? Yes.

Are you prepared for a court issue? I don't see that coming, but if it did I would deal with it.

I didn't go out looking for a married Dom, we just happened to meet. We have been friends for two years now and it has went into more as time went along. As far as my relationships go, my hubby and I are very open with each other. We have talked about everything and keep it all out there. We have always put our marriage first, that is our first and most important rule.

It's not always ideal, but if something works for the people involved, I am not one to judge.

Prepare for the worst, but expect the best. That is the way I try to always live.

< Message edited by DominaMorticia -- 5/22/2008 11:55:02 AM >

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RE: Married and the whole back alley thing - 5/22/2008 2:20:37 PM

bipolarber

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How did I discuss this with my spouse, before we opened? Well... with great difficulty. We knew that something was wrong about three years into our marriage. A gross mismatch in our desires. She was into sex maybe once a month, and as vanilla as you can get, I was more once every three days or so, and prefer kinky if I can manage to get it. Friction ensued.

We tried everything... me lowering myself to her level of need... (unsatisfactory) she tried to come up to mine, and get kinky (just not her... she was really uncomfortable) We even tried celeibacy. (No good for either of us.) So, the last ditch effort was to try an open marriage.
Surprise!
It seems to have worked. We're going on our 23rd year together.

As far as making this work for you, I'm afraid that's something you need to negotiate with your S.O. Everyone's needs and desires are different. I might suggest Dossie Easton's "The Ethical Slut" as a starting point. It hels a lot of good information that helped us avoid a few trap doors while trying to establish the groundrules.

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