Married and the whole back alley thing

Married and the whole back alley thing (Full Version)

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MladyHathor -> Married and the whole back alley thing (5/20/2008 7:30:58 AM)
Ok, we've had people post on here that had or were seeking a collar with someone who is married ( not to them) and we jump to the " OMG you have to be open and honest" " You are wrecking a home"--pretty easy to be judgenmental behind the glass ( yeah yeah I am too--)---but shit happens--for a variety of reasons, shit just plain happens and it sticks---so with out debating morality and with out flaming-- *I would like to hear fron those that have these relationships ( I do hope My esteemed colleagues don't ambush you)-----how far would you go?* *Can the D/s call you when they are sick or hurt?* *If they died would you go to their funeral?* *If the marriage ended are you of the ilk to be a safety net?* *If they needed money, would you help?* *Are you there for emotional and mental support?* *Do you keep your eyes always open to what is happening beyond the two of you?* *Are you prepared for a court issue?* *NOTE: I am not pointing fingers, I am trying to understand and perhaps provide a venue to hear from another side--because sometimes shit happens.*

IronBear -> RE: Married and the whole back alley thing (5/20/2008 7:43:35 AM)
I'm going to jump in here from the reverse angle. Both Neets and I arre Married and Dominants I am the Master of our home (I do have the final say) and she is the Mistress of the Home. It works well for us and is the norm in our Victorian Lifestyle. A lot of people I know who seek a married Domint are looking for the D/s or M/s dynamic and BDSM without the sex pressure. With us Sex is fine but if it doesn't come into thre equasion that too is fine (We are also a poly home), the same applies to BDSM because we primarily seek service slaves. if one of us dies, the home continues and it wpould be hoped that the entire home attended the funeral and wake. Neets and do not keep secrets frome each other especially regarding our lifestyle interactions with others. Iron Bear Master of Bruin Cottage (A Victorian Lifestyle poly home) "I judge a Man by what I see him do and not by what others tell me he does." (Captain Sir Edward Pellew of the HMS Indefatigable to Midshipman Hornblower ~ C.S. Forrester)

LadyPact -> RE: Married and the whole back alley thing (5/20/2008 7:45:26 AM)
I'm married. My sub's married. Nobody's home wrecking here. And, yes. I'm one of the loudest out there about the open and honest bit. I wouldn't say it if it couldn't be done. To answer the questions. Yes, though I doubt I'll do it when he goes back to Iraq. If he was home, you bet I would. (I even have the wife's cell phone number should there ever be a need for it.) Absolutely. His wife has met Me and I would hope we could be supportive of each other. Yes. This is My sub's second home. It would depend on how much. I wouldn't take out a loan or anything for it. Yes. I tend to think that shows through pretty clearly in My posts. (It works in reverse, too, btw. My sub was My greatest support when I have needed him.) Definitely. In our particular D/s arrangement, My husband as well as his wife are considered. No, I'm not. I'd be quite surprise if it ever came to that.

MladyHathor -> RE: Married and the whole back alley thing (5/20/2008 7:48:48 AM)
Lady Pact, You are an inspiration as how it can work--could you start a thread perhaps in how it came about, the negotiations? Without intimacies but just how did/does it work? I think it has to go beyond just communication, there has to be some serious trust/faith---?

LadyPact -> RE: Married and the whole back alley thing (5/20/2008 8:51:40 AM)
Ask, and you'll receive. http://www.collarchat.com/m_1871359/tm.htm

BlueHnS -> RE: Married and the whole back alley thing (5/20/2008 1:37:47 PM)
Great question MH! I absolutely agree that honesty and communication are cornerstones for any sucessful relationship. Pain and I are approaching our 11th anniversary. I don't believe that "homewrecking" is a given simply because one or more of the parties involved is married. Right now I'm in the beginning stage of what I hope (don't we all, when everything is flowing so comfortably?) turns out to be a wonderful long term relationship. One of the most important things for both of us was that we became friends. We talk about everything ... work, family, music, hobbies, hell even the weather. Someplace along the way Pain started calling him "my boyfriend" even though I've never used that term. He is on the list of people to contact if something strange happens to me. Pain has his girls. I think the longest relationship has been going on for about 4 years and the shortest for about 18 months. (Yeah I suck at dates ... I even forgot our anniversay a couple times and have to stop and do math, or ask one of the lils, when someone asks how long we've been married) While I don't interact with them on a regular basis if something important with Pain comes up I am generally the one that makes all the necessary calls. I'm not so sure about funerals ... I'd love to say that I would be fine with whatever. It's quite easy for me to believe that so long as no one is insistent on making a huge scene everything will go fairly smoothly. However there's a huge difference between what I'd like to think and what actually happens sometimes. Right now the only marriage I have to consider is mine with Pain. I think it's more than safe to say should we split it would be for internal reasons and have nothing to do with the others we have chosen to involve ourselves with. Money is money ... If I have it, then yeah, if they need it, no big. These two are really big for me. I can't imagine being in any type of relationship where there is no support of the other, and as LadyPact said it goes both ways. It's nice to retreat from the rest of the world and just let everything go for a moment or 5, but when it comes to making decisions all parties and the forseeable effects of said decision directly or indirectly are taken into consideration. I don't forsee any court type issues coming up. Should one happen to arise it will be dealt with at that time.

katGS -> RE: Married and the whole back alley thing (5/20/2008 4:15:40 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MladyHathor *Can the D/s call you when they are sick or hurt?* *Yes, its already happened. When he was in hospital with pneumonia we spoke every day, same as when I have been in hospital. When I thought I broke my toe he was the first one I called.* *If they died would you go to their funeral?* That is a hard question for me to answer. I did not even go to my own parent's funerals. I think I would remember my dearest love as he was and not want my last sight of him to be laying in his coffin. *If the marriage ended are you of the ilk to be a safety net?* Yes. He's always been there for me and I would do no less for him. Perhaps I should add that our spouses do know all about our relationship. *If they needed money, would you help?* Of course I would. He has been there when I have needed financial help and I have offered when his business was in a bind. *Are you there for emotional and mental support?* Yes. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year and the rest of my life. *Do you keep your eyes always open to what is happening beyond the two of you?* Of course. He calls me several times a day and we talk about many things besides just us. *Are you prepared for a court issue?* Sure, though I don't know what kind of court issue there could possibly be, since we live in different countries.

daddysliloneds -> RE: Married and the whole back alley thing (5/20/2008 4:32:39 PM)
okay, i'll bite; i've got nothing to lose! i was collared to a married man and my answers are as follows: i could, and still can: call anytime, 24/7, for any reason, and i know for a fact we would both, go to each others funeral! i don't understand the safety-net part of the question, so i'll skip that part, but i can tell you here and now, that if their marriage ended, it still wouldn't change a thing between us; he will always be a very important and active part of my life, and vice-versa! he would never, ever, need money from anyone, believe me, but if he did, i'd give him my last dollar and vice-versa, except that i'm a member of the working poor class as opposed to him being set financially beyond his wildest dreams. we are still there for each other emotionally and mentally, only now, i don't belong to him. he's always happy for me if i'm happy, and vice-versa. he knows my very heart and soul, and i'd like to think i know his! as for being prepared for court; i never sweated it and still wouldn't. why? well because while he was and is still married, i was and still am not, his dirty little secret! quote: ORIGINAL: MladyHathor Ok, we've had people post on here that had or were seeking a collar with someone who is married ( not to them) and we jump to the " OMG you have to be open and honest" " You are wrecking a home"--pretty easy to be judgenmental behind the glass ( yeah yeah I am too--)---but shit happens--for a variety of reasons, shit just plain happens and it sticks---so with out debating morality and with out flaming-- *I would like to hear fron those that have these relationships ( I do hope My esteemed colleagues don't ambush you)-----how far would you go?* *Can the D/s call you when they are sick or hurt?* *If they died would you go to their funeral?* *If the marriage ended are you of the ilk to be a safety net?* *If they needed money, would you help?* *Are you there for emotional and mental support?* *Do you keep your eyes always open to what is happening beyond the two of you?* *Are you prepared for a court issue?* *NOTE: I am not pointing fingers, I am trying to understand and perhaps provide a venue to hear from another side--because sometimes shit happens.*

Phin -> RE: Married and the whole back alley thing (5/20/2008 4:39:41 PM)
*how far would you go?* not sure I understand the question *Can the D/s call you when they are sick or hurt?* she damn well better... punishment after she is well if she doesnt *If they died would you go to their funeral?* yes. yes. yes. *If the marriage ended are you of the ilk to be a safety net?I am the married one. would she be my safty net? I dont know... If they needed money, would you help?* yes, we both have helped when the other needed it *Are you there for emotional and mental support?* yes even if she pushed me a way, she would know she could call me anytime. *Do you keep your eyes always open to what is happening beyond the two of you?I try to. I may screw that up from time to time, but I work hard to. Are you prepared for a court issue?*what would the court issue be? my wife knows her and thalk about what is going on between us edited cuz I dropped the mouse on the OK button.

MasterFireMaam -> RE: Married and the whole back alley thing (5/20/2008 6:03:34 PM)
*Can the D/s call you when they are sick or hurt?* she can call me 24/7...as can her husband. *If they died would you go to their funeral?* I am the executor of her estate (yes, I trump the husband) as she is of mine and, in reference to the above, we have medical power of attorney for each other (again, I trump the husband). *If the marriage ended are you of the ilk to be a safety net?* I would expect to be as I would expect to be for any traumatic event in her life. *If they needed money, would you help?* Yes. The reverse is also true. *Are you there for emotional and mental support?* Yes. As I said, they can both call me 24/7. The reverse is also true. *Do you keep your eyes always open to what is happening beyond the two of you?* I try. *Are you prepared for a court issue?* Yes, although the likelyhood of that is small. I do understand that the relationship between my married girl and I isn't QUITE the relationship you were going after, but, I wanted to show that one of us being married isn't always what you (collective you) think it is. As a side note, I was also married when I collared her. My divorce had nothing to do with her or the lifestyle. Master Fire

MasterFireMaam -> RE: Married and the whole back alley thing (5/20/2008 6:09:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Phin edited cuz I dropped the mouse on the OK button. exasperated sigh Phin, that's SO unmasterly! wink Master Fire - who once tripped over a slave

Casie -> RE: Married and the whole back alley thing (5/20/2008 6:39:40 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam *Can the D/s call you when they are sick or hurt?* she can call me 24/7...as can her husband. *If they died would you go to their funeral?* I am the executor of her estate (yes, I trump the husband) as she is of mine and, in reference to the above, we have medical power of attorney for each other (again, I trump the husband). *If the marriage ended are you of the ilk to be a safety net?* I would expect to be as I would expect to be for any traumatic event in her life. *If they needed money, would you help?* Yes. The reverse is also true. *Are you there for emotional and mental support?* Yes. As I said, they can both call me 24/7. The reverse is also true. *Do you keep your eyes always open to what is happening beyond the two of you?* I try. *Are you prepared for a court issue?* Yes, although the likelyhood of that is small. I do understand that the relationship between my married girl and I isn't QUITE the relationship you were going after, but, I wanted to show that one of us being married isn't always what you (collective you) think it is. As a side note, I was also married when I collared her. My divorce had nothing to do with her or the lifestyle. Master Fire Has there ever been any problems with you tumping the husband?

MasterFireMaam -> RE: Married and the whole back alley thing (5/20/2008 7:04:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Casie Has there ever been any problems with you tumping the husband? No, not as of yet. They've been in an open marriage for over 30 years and she's been in the lifestyle for 25 (with him, at first). He understands the important of a Master/Mistress in her life and understands that she's a person seperate from him. There's no "she's mine!" territorial stuff there and they're both very big on each person in society living as they please (Hippy couple. Peace.) Master Fire

Phin -> RE: Married and the whole back alley thing (5/20/2008 7:29:59 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam exasperated sigh Phin, that's SO unmasterly! wink Master Fire - who once tripped over a slave shame on you... how can we be considered Masters? I hide my head in shame. winks back

adoracat -> RE: Married and the whole back alley thing (5/20/2008 7:47:37 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MladyHathor *Can the D/s call you when they are sick or hurt?* yes, i can always call Daddy. it might go to voicemail and he have to call me back, but i have permission to call him always. and TheEngineer knows about my relationship with him, also and has no problem with it. *If they died would you go to their funeral?* i have, with james. fallcon's family chose to bury him in new jersey and not in florida, otherwise i'd have been there, too. its not a good thing. *If the marriage ended are you of the ilk to be a safety net?* Daddy was not able to, but he's been worried about my situation since we met. TheEngineer made me the offer to come be with him in january, then again in march, when i decided to say yes. *If they needed money, would you help?* *i get an allowance laughs. seriously, TheEngineer sent me the money to file for divorce. so, yes.* *Are you there for emotional and mental support?* equally, in both directions. i am there for both of them, and they for me. *Do you keep your eyes always open to what is happening beyond the two of you?* honor and honesty are very important to me. i dont lie to them (except on one very specific subject, and they both are well aware of it) and they dont lie to me. i am aware of the circumstances of their lives, and they of mine...if i didnt care about all of it, what sort of partner am i? *Are you prepared for a court issue?* wolf and i are poly, and so there was no issue about this when the divorce was filed. Daddy has said that he will not divorce, and i respect his reasoning. TheEngineer is just too thrilled to have me in his life, and thinks that wolf is an idiot. [:D] kitten, who is not displeased with most of the way things are going,

breatheasone -> RE: Married and the whole back alley thing (5/20/2008 7:48:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MladyHathor Ok, we've had people post on here that had or were seeking a collar with someone who is married ( not to them) and we jump to the " OMG you have to be open and honest" " You are wrecking a home"--pretty easy to be judgenmental behind the glass ( yeah yeah I am too--)---but shit happens--for a variety of reasons, shit just plain happens and it sticks---so with out debating morality and with out flaming-- *I would like to hear fron those that have these relationships ( I do hope My esteemed colleagues don't ambush you)-----how far would you go?* *Can the D/s call you when they are sick or hurt?* Yes...we both can call each other. Getting through right away isnt always guaranteed *If they died would you go to their funeral?* Absolutely. *If the marriage ended are you of the ilk to be a safety net?* Yes. *If they needed money, would you help?* Yes. *Are you there for emotional and mental support?* Yes. *Do you keep your eyes always open to what is happening beyond the two of you?* Yes, I believe I We both do. We try Our best anyway. *Are you prepared for a court issue?* Yes. *NOTE: I am not pointing fingers, I am trying to understand and perhaps provide a venue to hear from another side--because sometimes shit happens.*

lapgirl -> RE: Married and the whole back alley thing (5/21/2008 1:28:14 PM)
I think the relationship i have with my Dom is more of what your curiosity may be MladyHathor. I am a married submissive, slowly getting involved outside of my marriage. My husband has zero interest in BDSM. I have 2 ums that i want to be raised in a traditional, old fashioned home with 2 parents that love and support them. Anyway... i befriended a Dom over time and things eventually became physical. He was divorced, active in the scene and interested in more then i could give when we started RT. I now am in love with him. He is in a committed relationship elsewhere and will marry her in the near future i suspect. We are each others dirty little secret, long and short. We have recently had discussions involving notification if something were to happen to him.. and its not settled as of this writing. I doubt seriously either of us would attend each others funeral, as we both want the others secret to be safe and secure. As much as i would want to be there for him, i would not jeopardize his reputation with his family and friends. I am having a hard time trying to keep the relationship in perspective, it is what it is... but my feelings have just gotten the best of me and i do struggle a lot. He is trying , in his way, to get me to try and compartmentalize things. How far will i go? There have been recent conversations about ownership... but i will do nothing to out our relationship, to hurt his reputation or his family and the same trust is returned to me by him.

Lumus -> RE: Married and the whole back alley thing (5/21/2008 2:18:35 PM)
Just posting to state that I'm very annoyed at the misleading thread title. I thought it was about anal, dammit!

LadyPact -> RE: Married and the whole back alley thing (5/21/2008 3:05:37 PM)
This really has been a good thread, MH. Thank you for bringing it up. I think it's one that I'm going to have to keep a link to when related questions come up. There ARE some who can make the marriage and outside of marriage thing work. It's not impossible to be open and honest about it. There are cases where the spouse does understand. Maybe it will encourage people to at least make the attempt to involve the SO who just isn't into it, at least on an informative level.

bipolarber -> RE: Married and the whole back alley thing (5/21/2008 4:02:01 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MladyHathor *I would like to hear fron those that have these relationships ( I do hope My esteemed colleagues don't ambush you)-----how far would you go?* *Can the D/s call you when they are sick or hurt?* They can, and they have in the past. All of the D/s I've been with have been both lovers and friends. Naturally, they can call on us at any time if they need support. *If they died would you go to their funeral?* Again, sadly, yes. *If the marriage ended are you of the ilk to be a safety net?* I would be the type to offer my support. It would depend on if "I" were the inadvertant cause of the split or not. Luckily, I tend to be a part of relationships where everyone is "in the loop." *If they needed money, would you help?* It would depend on the situation. If they needed a few bucks to keep from getting tossed in the street, naturally, I would. Like any good friend would. *Are you there for emotional and mental support?* Um... yes... why the hell else would I want to connect myself to someone else, if it weren't to belong to/with them? If I were into just the physical end of this, I'd probably save my pennies and get a pro every few months. *Do you keep your eyes always open to what is happening beyond the two of you?* I try to be. My radar is always tuned for detecting possible trouble. *Are you prepared for a court issue?* Unless you are planning on packing yourself into a box of tissue paper until the day you die... the possibility of end up in court over something or other these days is ALWAYS there. I don't see where BDSM makes things any different. *NOTE: I am not pointing fingers, I am trying to understand and perhaps provide a venue to hear from another side--because sometimes shit happens.* The difficulty here is NOT the fact that someone is coming to you about dominating them. It's about them lying. Lying to you, lying to their partner, lying to themselves.

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