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Kinks and Compromises - 5/18/2008 8:45:28 AM   
Owner4SexSlave


Posts: 1311
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline 		Perhaps, I've become a cold jaded heartless bastard but some undone kinks really do matter a lot to me. 

There are some kinky fantasies that have been eating at my soul for years now, actually too many years.  I have had opportunities, years ago, to try these things out, however I did not jump all over it. 

These things are so hardwired into my brain, that's it's reached a point, it feels more like a NEED to do, instead of WANT to do.

Some of my partners, in past relationships actually had issues with these kinky fantasies of mine.  They were simply hard limits.  So it's felt a bit like being dealt the Monopoly game card.  "Stop, do not pass GO, go directly to jail" or whatever it is exactly.  It's been awhile since I played Monopoly.

I respected thier limits, and found myself, kicking myself in the ass over the opportunties I passed up in the past.

Now, fast forward to the here and now.  Even though I have not actually done these things.  (one I have done to a limited degree).  I find my thoughts a great deal preoccupied in doing these things. 

However, for a number of people in the lifestyle, they are hard limits.  Also in the last couple of years, I discovered a couple of other things, that greatly appeal to me.   Again, they too are hard limits for a number of people.

A few days ago, somebody responded to my profile.  I took the time to read all the things they wrote on theirs.  I could literally feel their frustration in a Quest for a Real Master.   They wrote so many things, I knew for a fact, I was dealing with a honest to goodness sincere person.  Ironic, so many of her words resonated with anything and everything I am looking for.  However, It felt like I was dealt that friggen Monolopy Game card again "Stop, do not pass Go!".

There's far more to the lifestyle besides kinks and sex, at least for me.  However, they are very important to me at the same time.  It was time for me to write my shallow bastard thanks but I don't think we'd make a good match e-mail.  It turned out to be a lengthly email, that had some form of depth to it.

I've reached a place in my life, where I find it difficult to compromise upon a few fantasy kinks.  I actually look to see if somebody has these kinks listed as being a "Hard limit" or not.

Ironic, there are a number of kinks on my profile, that I am indifferent about.  Meaning they are optional for me to engage in.  I can without some things without feeling like I compromised a damn thing.  There are a few that are must haves, Deal breakers.

Personally, I feel I need to move forward, grow and experience a few more things in life.  The kicker, how does an experienced Dom express they are inexperienced in a few activities?  A few of these activities really don't require any experience, some of them, I have been doing my research on.

I started a thread, looking for people's thoughts and opinions, regarding the first things or important things they look for on a profile.  To be honest, I'm not really looking for somebody I can fall in love with.  Yes, can I love somebody.  would I be able to love the person I am with, yes to that as well.  

Perhaps I've become a really shallow person, in life.  Unwilling to compromise on kinks I've not done or fully explored yet.  I'm not really looking for love, I'm looking more for somebody that's compatible with me.  I have a deeper appreciation for slaves now, trust me, I've been kicking myself in the ass for having released a perfectly great slave in the past.  I made many compromises trying to squeeze myself into the Vanilla jello mold (too many years, my time passes quickly).

I don't know if anybody relates to this on any level.   About not wanting to compromise upon fantasy kinks you still want to live out, and well frankly you just reached a point where your views on love have become radically altered in time.  OK, perhaps I'm just Jaded.  If I find that heart racing, romanticized version of love along the way! Great! It's an added Bonus, however it's become a bit optional at this point.  Perhaps tomorrow, I'll wake up thinking to myself, what the Hell was I thinking yesterday when I wrote that post.  LOL...
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RE: Kinks and Compromises - 5/18/2008 9:01:59 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		Okay, now I find myself wondering just WHAT wacked out thing you want to do that is everyone's hard limit!  <G>  

There have been some fantasies that I never made happen, or haven't made happen yet.  Are they things that I would want to do all the time?  No.  Would I need to do them with a personal submissive?  Not necessarily.   So, what is stopping you from finding a fellow freak to play with?  Or is having the scene as part of a relationship part of the peak experience?

I have a really strong list of things I like to do, and an equally strong list of things I am not doing anymore ever, or maybe even trying.  I put the biggies out in my profile, because when I say NO that is what it means.  Could I fall madly in love with someone who hated impact play?  Yeah, maybe, but you can bet that I would find a play partner that I could pound on.   For me, the essentials are more important than the rare occurence. 

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RE: Kinks and Compromises - 5/18/2008 9:04:12 AM   
NorthernGent


Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Owner4SexSlave

The kicker, how does an experienced Dom express they are inexperienced in a few activities? 



With honesty and no apologies whatsoever?

quote:

ORIGINAL: Owner4SexSlave

I started a thread, looking for people's thoughts and opinions, regarding the first things or important things they look for on a profile. 



Intelligence, battle-hardened/realistic i.e. life hasn't been a bed of roses.........and certain kinks on which I'm focusing.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Owner4SexSlave

About not wanting to compromise upon fantasy kinks you still want to live out, and well frankly you just reached a point where your views on love have become radically altered in time.  OK, perhaps I'm just Jaded.  If I find that heart racing, romanticized version of love along the way! Great! It's an added Bonus, however it's become a bit optional at this point.  Perhaps tomorrow, I'll wake up thinking to myself, what the Hell was I thinking yesterday when I wrote that post.  LOL...



I'm curious as to why your fantasy kink is incompatible with compromise and love.

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RE: Kinks and Compromises - 5/18/2008 9:26:36 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		Since you haven't tried most of these things but they have remained fantasies, perhaps you might want to look into investing some income into a professional submissive. They do exist and from what I know you will be monitored while you play for their safety but if you can found a house that has professional submissives you can see if the house rules allow you to do what you are interested in trying.

You could even try to request a scene where you co-top with someone who has experience in those kinks so you can learn while you try them out. My bet is that these things are risky in some fashion and that's why they are often hard limits. I think it is always very wise to learn such kink from someone with experience in them rather than try it out on your own.

Remember, just because you fantasize about something does not mean that once you try it that you will enjoy it. Sometimes the trying isn't as good as the fantasy, rarely the trying can even ruin the fantasy joy.

So rather than look for bottoms who have these as interests, look for other tops who can teach you these things or try the pro route. I see nothing wrong with paying for an education which is what you'd be getting.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

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RE: Kinks and Compromises - 5/18/2008 9:36:09 AM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		Perhaps you should find one just to live out specific fantasies with, someone who is willing to go to those places but may not want a full time relationship in any other way.  That way you could have the best of both worlds.

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RE: Kinks and Compromises - 5/18/2008 9:56:07 AM   
gypsygrl


Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline
quote:

The kicker, how does an experienced Dom express they are inexperienced in a few activities?


Given the range of kink that's out there, I'd be surprised if even a very experienced D-type was experienced in everything.  People tend to specialize during various periods of their lives: they explore something for a while, taking it to more or less deeper levels, become saturated, then find something new to explore.  They might pick up the older specialty at a later day, and incorporate it into their basic repertoire.  I imagine this is true for tops and d-types.

I was pleasantly surprised last week when I played with someone who had different areas of experience than I did.  He was practiced in things I had never done, and I was practiced in things he hadn't really done.  We played once before at a party, and it  didn't work well (playing at parties is its own kind of specialty), but we played again in private where he had more latitude, and it came together really well and was really fun.  I don't put alot of weight on experience with this or that activity so long as they're honest about it.

quote:

I don't know if anybody relates to this on any level.   About not wanting to compromise upon fantasy kinks you still want to live out, and well frankly you just reached a point where your views on love have become radically altered in time.


In the past I've tried to be in a relationship where the other person's hard limits were my important fantasy kinks--the ones I really wanted to live out.  It didn't work, especially since the person defined the activity in question as being abusive because it made me feel bad about even having the fantasy, let alone wanting to experiment with it.  (Its kind of like the feeling I get when somebody tells me I'm too submissive.)  Another closely related problem is that sometimes I spontaneously take on different personas and if I know someone is uncomfortable with one of the personas it has a real dampening effect on the relationship because I can't really ever completely let go lest "she" comes out.  So, yeah, I can relate in a couple different ways.

I don't think my views on love have altered that much over the last 20 years or so.  I'm very pragmatic, and don't go much for more romantic notions of love.  I become very attached, become fond and feel affection but express it in ways that don't really suggest anything having to do with romantic notions of love.  I don't think this makes me shallow or jaded or anything like that.  What it makes me is me.


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RE: Kinks and Compromises - 5/18/2008 10:06:48 AM   
DominantJenny


Posts: 645
Joined: 4/6/2008
Status: offline 		Once, I had some pretty serious medical fantasy stuff going on. This led to a strong interest in needle play. However, my partner is needle-phobic, severely. I could (because we have that kind of relationship) have pushed him to the point where I would have gotten to do it, but I didn't think it would be good for him and quite possibly not worth all that effort in the end. I found a compromise (the click pen I've mentioned elsewhere) and that worked to get it out of my system. I'm still interested in needle play, but in a mild way...if my Ms. Right is interested in it, we'll probably explore it, but I can live without it just fine.
So what I'm saying is that sometimes you need to think outside the box, examine what your underlying motivations are (I didn't really need to pierce the skin, I realized, I just wanted to recreate that vulnerable "being injected" situation), and you might find a way around the problem.
On the other hand, some stuff you just can't work around...I HAVE to be able to cause pain. A no-pain submissive is a total mismatch for me and always will be.

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RE: Kinks and Compromises - 5/18/2008 10:08:51 AM   
Quivver


Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline 		Ah, My Dear Kink driven Man... smiles.
You explain yourself quite well and if not addressing the kink at hand I must wonder about the desire to experience said kink. No, I dont view you as shallow, I see you as consumed with a desire that could be a double edged sword. I have found that the real experience created out of a singular act nilla or kinky lack the magic we build into the thought as we ache and create the fantasy in our mind. And the sad reality of checking off that list ends up pale in memory when no one else remembers it in the same or similar light of ours.
Yet belonging to the same camp as you, my views on that `L` thing are radically altered too. I am capable of it, but I expect much less of it then I did in my youth. And have found a preference for lasting friendships that exceed the limitations that many expect of that `L` thing. But a dear friendship takes time to build as we all know. And a frenzy of any kind almost demands instant gratification, and the fall out many times darkens the experience. (and not in a good way)
I have no advice to offer, just thoughts to ponder as I wish you well.

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RE: Kinks and Compromises - 5/18/2008 10:58:05 AM   
RealSub58


Posts: 1073
Status: offline 		After reading this thread by the OP I would say the username is misleading !  Might it be Owner4kinkslave
 
Seriously now, I do know exactly, I think, what you speak of.
My owner has made it possible for many to live out their deepest fantasies in a safe and sane environment with consensual adults.
He has had help from individuals who are "connected."
 
I have been inquisitive and asked him what some of these fantasies were of others and have squirmed to find out that he has done "them."
 
When joining with my owner, neither of us were looking for love and even now I do not know that love is in the equation.  But there is a deep compatability and committment as well as a deep desire to honor each other with our sincere natures ~  Dominant and submissive.

Right now he has some mild kinks he wants to enjoy. I call one particlar kink mild only because I introduced it to him and I dont consider it a kink at all but part of who I am.  But for him, he so thoroughly enjoyed my deviant service he wants it other ways. 
 
There are times when he has wild adverse kinks that I am curious about but am not sure I would participate but know beyond all doubt I will not be adverse if he were to find another to be a bottom and I watch from the sidelines.   We never are apart during play.  It is a promise we made to each other.  He is my owner and a real owner at that.  sorry just keeping another thread in my head
 
He is very selective though in whom and how he goes about choosing those to play.  I think that is the key to his success.
 
Looking at your profile and then reading this post, I would ask why are you looking for only person to be totally deviant with?
If you are seeking compatability and not necessarily long term compatability (or maybe you are), find one compatable person to fill some deviants kinks with and move on.
Of course, laying this foundation.
 
I guess I dont understand limits as others describe them.  The compatability between my owner and I are such that if he were to ask it of me, I wouldnt think twice.  When I first met him, he was setting up an elaborate kidnapping and abandonment scene for a domme and her sub with another dom. At the time, he knew I could not endure such a scenerio for 3 days.  I would not be surprised if at some point he made me the object of such a scenerio and included very different components based on his kinks not the other submissives kinks.
 
So the question to you OP remains, are you looking to limit deviant need of fantasies fulfilled to just one submissive?  If so, you are looking for a needle in a haystack.
Remember submissives are looking for some type of love and that is a goal, even though they might not say so... I think a girl like Quivver and  myself might be rare (not necessarily looking for love) but still we are still out here.
 
Living with regrets in life is a hard way to live.
 

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RE: Kinks and Compromises - 5/18/2008 11:22:56 AM   
Maya2001


Posts: 1656
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
Status: offline 		Okay read thru your profile ... it seems I had to do quite a bit of reading to get to some of what you do want  basically a fucktoy who will enjoy swinging and being part of a poly household(sorry did not take  the extra time to finish reading the journal as well) ... so far that does no seem too off the wall ... though obviously not for everyone ...  though the amount of time spent on saying you don't really want pet play  was way too long winded ...   I personally think you should get to the point of what you are looking for a lot sooner in you profile    then add in the things you don't want . I know for myself when it comes to long detailed profiles if the person does not get to the point early on about the type of relationship they are interested in  I get bored reading and move on to the next profile or I risk  end up spending 20 minutes or more reading only to find out  your interests are not the same.  I would rather a profile cut to the chase early on  if I am interested than I will read more .... if you have further interests than get them down into your profile  and don't bury them under tons of fluff,  it will make it easier to find the person your looking for .......or them to find you

< Message edited by Maya2001 -- 5/18/2008 11:23:40 AM >

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RE: Kinks and Compromises - 5/18/2008 11:54:26 AM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline 		I think that when we focus on what we don’t or can’t have at the moment, it over-inflates the importance of that fantasy. 
Few people get everything they want in life whether or not it is kink related. 
If you really don’t want to compromise then a lot more patience is called for until you find the person who fits.  You may not ever get it, but then again, you just might get lucky. 

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RE: Kinks and Compromises - 5/18/2008 12:00:23 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		This was a great OP, and an important one, too, I believe.

I think what happens with many, although I could be wrong, is they have a desire and that is what they search for.  Some of these fantasies or desires are such an extreme for others, that, when hearing about them, say No Way and that's that.  Fantasy is stated, limited is stated, and that's the end of the story.

In my experience as the slave in the relationship, there are many things that I do for him that in the beginning I would never have dreamed of doing - I wouldn't have considered at all.  Hard limit all the way.  But my Master did not present them in the beginning of our relationship.  We both grew into them.  And the things we do now that would have been my limits, I don't do because of any "kink" I have about them.  I do because of my devotion and love for him.  Experiencing his pleasure, delight, pride and lust far outweigh any discomfort I may have in participating in the of the acts he will have me do.  In other words, I am not driven to fulfill his fantasies because they're my fantasies, too.  I am driven to fulfill them because of our connection and because of my internal drive - perhaps similar to your drive to fulfill your own fantasies - pulls me to want and need to please him, whatever it may be.

I don't know if this perspective will help your situation or not, but I thought I'd share it...



(Edited to fix a word)

< Message edited by ownedgirlie -- 5/18/2008 12:23:02 PM >

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RE: Kinks and Compromises - 5/18/2008 12:12:20 PM   
TysGalilah


Posts: 589
Joined: 11/21/2007
Status: offline 		Ownedgirlie ~
Great post that makes alot of sense and one that I can very much relate to.
 

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RE: Kinks and Compromises - 5/18/2008 12:40:39 PM   
daddysliloneds


Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline 		to give up a perfect match based on what you think you need but haven't experienced to know it to be true, is a crock of shit and a cop out! 

so, go pay someone to fullfill those little fantasies of yours and be done with it; then at least you'll know if you need it for a lifetime or just for a moment and get on with the rest of your life; what's so fucking hard about that?

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RE: Kinks and Compromises - 5/18/2008 12:46:19 PM   
Evility


Posts: 915
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline 		Join the club, my friend. That would be the club of dominants faced with a sea of submissives holding one of those stop signs like the school crossing guards carry. I am one of the lucky ones. My submissive does not have one of those signs and furthermore does not want one. My fantasy kinks do not have to remain in the realm of fantasy.

Just through forum reading and idle profile browsing I have found exactly what you have found. The overwhelming majority of submissives do not feel or act in that manner. It is discouraging - or rather it would be for me if I was looking. I can easily see myself walking away from all of this if I ever end up alone again. I could certainly forge on with a submissive who is basically into little more than impact play just for the sake of it but I'd harbor all sorts of resentments so what would be the point?

Yes, I can relate to what you are thinking.


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RE: Kinks and Compromises - 5/18/2008 2:05:40 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

quote:

I don't know if anybody relates to this on any level.   


You are definitely not alone.  I think a lot of married Doms and subs find themselves unable to fulfill  many of their fantasies because their spouses just aren't into that kind of play.  There certainly are many kinks i would love to try but i know Hubby isn't interested, so i continue to fantacize when playing by myself. 

< Message edited by proudsub -- 5/18/2008 2:27:49 PM >

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RE: Kinks and Compromises - 5/18/2008 2:25:24 PM   
pissdoll


Posts: 343
Joined: 5/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: daddysliloneds 

so, go pay someone to fullfill those little fantasies of yours and be done with it



i completely understand what Whiplash/Owner is talking about.  we discussed the issue before once upon a time.

there are fantasies you can pay for and fantasies you simply cant...some things can't be worked out with a stranger.

i empathize with those who say they'd walk away from bdsm for love.  i have done so myself, only to return later when that love "wasn't enough,"  when i found my "dark desires" were totally ignored and/or even greatly disturbed my partner.

Whip/Owner...i don't have any of the answers.  but you aren't the only person on here with desires that eat away at your soul.  if you figure any of it out, let me know.  i'd really appreciate it!

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RE: Kinks and Compromises - 5/18/2008 3:07:12 PM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline 		Whip...I get what you are saying....I have been blessed with a Master/Daddy that wants to go to those places with me (He and I have a good deal of kinks we share that would be/are limits for alot of others).....Its not happening over night, but it IS happening...Its very cool to watch how We develop. So while I sometimes want things on MY timetable....I STILL get all I need and desire... I really do understand wanting what you want, and NEEDING to get it....I have been bless to find a Man that I can have that with.

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candy posts in pink font

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RE: Kinks and Compromises - 5/18/2008 4:12:40 PM   
gypsygrl


Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline
quote:

you aren't the only person on here with desires that eat away at your soul


This is pretty much what it boils down to for me.  Trying to deny some things end up killing the spirit and if I pursue such a denial with any amount of consistency, I end up feeling like an empty shell.  Over the long haul, it doesn't work.

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“To be happy is to be able to become aware of oneself without fright.” ~Walter Benjamin


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RE: Kinks and Compromises - 5/18/2008 4:40:43 PM   
MsStarlett


Posts: 1879
Joined: 12/23/2007
Status: offline 		It's the Karaoke isn't it?  Man!  You gotta give that shit up.

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It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.
It is by the beans of Java that thoughts acquire speed,
the hands acquire shakes, the shakes become a warning,
It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.

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