RE: Wannabe Vanilla

RE: Wannabe Vanilla (Full Version)

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SubBlueEyeBBW -> RE: Wannabe Vanilla (5/15/2008 12:04:31 PM)
i have been vanilla my whole life, probably 45 of my 46 years, but thats externally. Internally i have always been kinked, i mean even as young as 11 years old i was experimenting with the family dog, and having fantasies of being controlled. i was raised catholic, went to an all girls catholic high school, and didn't lose my virginity til i was almost 18 but even then straight sex never was satisfying for some reason. i always felt something missing, something holding me back and keeping me from completely letting go so to speak but i didn't know what it was. i just thought i was wierd. i went thru a stage between 18 and 21 where i basically fucked anyone and everyone. Twosomes, threesomes, two guys, me and another girl but i never had sex with the woman more i sat on his face she sat on his cock kind of stuff...and even then rarely came and my mind was always somewhere else being tied up, blindfolded and used. i got knocked up and finally at 22 married for all the wrong reasons but i did. Went through the motions of good wife and mother but always even then serving,,, hubby gets fed first, gets his clothes put out for him when he showers, he needs something i jump to get it and i was for a while happy to do that for him even though my needs weren't getting met. Last year i met a man online and we chatted. i was drawn to Him immediately by the things He said and it was like He knew what was going on in my head and what i needed even though i didn't or didnt' want to acknowledge them. Well our chats were short lived as He discovered i wasn't what He was looking for and we parted ways but the seed had been planted and i started reading and discovering that no i wasn't wierd or if i am there is a whole world out here ready to embrace my wierdness. ( Yay off topic Supreme Court overturned gay marriage ban in California!!!!) ok back to topic...i found another Dom online in aol who befriended me and then advised me to advertise here on CM and here i am. This site in itself has been a rollercoaster ride and in the begining i had a hard time telling who was really a Dom and who wasn't but thanks to a really good sub friend, i am learning. i am still struggling to see where i fit in here and talking to many many Doms and subs and learning my way around but dammit i love it! i finally after all these years feel like i've come home.

SensibleSam -> RE: Wannabe Vanilla (5/15/2008 3:13:45 PM)
As I dimly remember from graduate school this question is answered by a transition matrix. In marketing they use them for the analysis of brand switching. I should have realized that something like this was operative. I naively assumed that movement to BDSM was something like a trap door function - once in never out. All this forum chatter is merely anecdotal. Someone tell me the correct agency and I will apply for a research grant.

SensualistOne -> RE: Wannabe Vanilla (5/15/2008 3:27:12 PM)
quote: So I fought it, I threw myself into religion and church and other things to try and 'control' myself and be content with what I believed was acceptable. i always figured that if i wasn't in a long term relationship by a certain age or if i lost a longterm owner i would join a convent and submit to God and participate in regular ritual self flaggellation... umm so on the wannabe vanilla...nope, not me... chelle

LadyPact -> RE: Wannabe Vanilla (5/15/2008 4:40:41 PM)
<Raises hand> I did it. In fact, I did it for a few years. I met, dated, and loved a vanilla man Well, mostly vanilla. The first time we bought a 'play' flogger, I didn't even want to strike him with it, I was so afraid that the illusion I had created about My 'vanilla' self would crumble. I have to add in here that I wasn't nearly the sadist that I am today the first time I walked away from BDSM. I didn't know how I'd handle it if I stuck My toe back into the BDSM pool. It happened anyway. When My husband and I started exploring poly, guess what kind of guy ended up being My first attempt? Yep. Submissive male. Next one. Yep. Submissive male again there, too. I had never specifically lied about My D/s relationships prior to us getting married, but I hadn't exactly disclosed everything either. Not even when My husband and I attended the funeral parlor together when I had received the news that My first slave had died. So, My husband and I had to have a very long serious talk. I spilled My guts about My past in BDSM prior to meeting My husband. We talked about how much I needed it in My life, and he already knew that I had been just a little too knowledgeable about what I was doing with someone who was calling Me "Mistress" all of the time. Thankfully, he had seen how much happier I had been when I went back to being My real self, and we found a way for Me to have both. Well, that so-called vanilla guy I married, turned out in having an interest in being a Dominant, too. These past couple of years, he's gotten his own start in the lifestyle. I have My collared submissive. We have an agreement between us that our primary relationship will come first, but I don't think he could ever ask Me to close this part of Me off again. I say it on these boards all of the time. I am so thankful that it turned out this way.

Aine -> RE: Wannabe Vanilla (5/15/2008 5:02:11 PM)
LOL Yeahhhhh I tried for a while with one friend. I recently came out to her...which means her bf (my partner's best friend) prolly knows now too. groans

Asherdelampyr -> RE: Wannabe Vanilla (5/15/2008 5:26:58 PM)
I was married for almost a year to a woman that thought keeping the light on was kinky.... She destroyed the toys she found of mine, as well as several harmless movies and a few CDs I was a moron and let her... Tried as hard as I could to pretend that "the norm" was good enough.....

sailorthor -> RE: Wannabe Vanilla (5/15/2008 5:26:58 PM)
In reply to ownedgirlie: Sounds familiar - rather how my ex-fiance felt about my kinky tendencies.

ExSteelAgain -> RE: Wannabe Vanilla (5/16/2008 2:49:16 AM)
Most of us are talking about trust, desires and the emotional effects of what we do with each other before we play. We know what makes each other experience ultimate passion. Contrast that will small talk over coffee with a vanilla where jobs and politics are as deep as you get before you fuck.

chellekitty -> RE: Wannabe Vanilla (5/16/2008 8:31:57 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SensualistOne quote: So I fought it, I threw myself into religion and church and other things to try and 'control' myself and be content with what I believed was acceptable. i always figured that if i wasn't in a long term relationship by a certain age or if i lost a longterm owner i would join a convent and submit to God and participate in regular ritual self flaggellation... umm so on the wannabe vanilla...nope, not me... chelle crap, i did it again...

Owner4SexSlave -> RE: Wannabe Vanilla (5/16/2008 10:28:17 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact <Raises hand> I did it. In fact, I did it for a few years. I met, dated, and loved a vanilla man Well, mostly vanilla. The first time we bought a 'play' flogger, I didn't even want to strike him with it, I was so afraid that the illusion I had created about My 'vanilla' self would crumble. I have to add in here that I wasn't nearly the sadist that I am today the first time I walked away from BDSM. I didn't know how I'd handle it if I stuck My toe back into the BDSM pool. It happened anyway. When My husband and I started exploring poly, guess what kind of guy ended up being My first attempt? Yep. Submissive male. Next one. Yep. Submissive male again there, too. I had never specifically lied about My D/s relationships prior to us getting married, but I hadn't exactly disclosed everything either. Not even when My husband and I attended the funeral parlor together when I had received the news that My first slave had died. So, My husband and I had to have a very long serious talk. I spilled My guts about My past in BDSM prior to meeting My husband. We talked about how much I needed it in My life, and he already knew that I had been just a little too knowledgeable about what I was doing with someone who was calling Me "Mistress" all of the time. Thankfully, he had seen how much happier I had been when I went back to being My real self, and we found a way for Me to have both. Well, that so-called vanilla guy I married, turned out in having an interest in being a Dominant, too. These past couple of years, he's gotten his own start in the lifestyle. I have My collared submissive. We have an agreement between us that our primary relationship will come first, but I don't think he could ever ask Me to close this part of Me off again. I say it on these boards all of the time. I am so thankful that it turned out this way. Wow, your words really struck deep with me on this. I had a difficult time with adding kink into my Vanilla relationships, took things slowly and well, not full swing. Had everything to do with my Vanilla image crumbling. I also know what it's like to not fully disclose one's BDSM past, but not really lie at the same time. At times, I was probed or questioned why I did not speak much of certain past relationships or girls that I had dated.

DominantJenny -> RE: Wannabe Vanilla (5/16/2008 10:44:11 AM)
FR Coming to this thread late and just jumping in... By the time I was nine years old, I had a complex, very non-consentual fantasy world. I knew there was this "darkness" in me, and I was confused and worried about it, but didn't really do anything about it. I was always the dominant-in-the-vanilla-sense partner in my relationships. I was strong on initiation with making out and more active than passive. By the time I was 18, I was in a relationship with a complete yes-man with whom I had actual intercourse for the first time, completely the way I wanted it to be. (Think fairly typical love-story, ooh how sweet virginity shedding.) Then I got into mild nipple torture and orgasm delay (his, not mine, obviously) for most of the time after that. Moved on to other relationships, same basic idea...I was unofficially dominant and would squeeze in any level of control and sadism I could manage without triggering a "what the hell is that" reaction. Met and married the man who is still my spouse. (Twelfth anniversary this Sunday!) Got on the internet. Found a chat room. Searched on BDSM, perused pretty much everything that was available information-wise back then. Went "WHOA! Like, I can DO this?! WOO! Oh, crap..." Talked to spouse, told him of interests. Pursued online relationships (got lucky early on with good partners), and also started dipping our toes in in real life at the same time. I progressed MUCH faster than my previously vanilla spouse, which is where the online relationships came in...they gave me an outlet to express myself at the level I was really at, while I tip-toed around with him, working through seemingly endless layers of social conditioning and being very careful to keep it fully consentual. Best part was realizing that I did need a consenting partner after all...Yay, not a monster! Fast forward to now, and he's a happy submissive masochist and I'm a happy dominant sadist. But growing up was tough.

LadyPact -> RE: Wannabe Vanilla (5/16/2008 7:09:05 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Owner4SexSlave quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact <Raises hand> I did it. In fact, I did it for a few years. I met, dated, and loved a vanilla man Well, mostly vanilla. The first time we bought a 'play' flogger, I didn't even want to strike him with it, I was so afraid that the illusion I had created about My 'vanilla' self would crumble. I have to add in here that I wasn't nearly the sadist that I am today the first time I walked away from BDSM. I didn't know how I'd handle it if I stuck My toe back into the BDSM pool. It happened anyway. When My husband and I started exploring poly, guess what kind of guy ended up being My first attempt? Yep. Submissive male. Next one. Yep. Submissive male again there, too. I had never specifically lied about My D/s relationships prior to us getting married, but I hadn't exactly disclosed everything either. Not even when My husband and I attended the funeral parlor together when I had received the news that My first slave had died. So, My husband and I had to have a very long serious talk. I spilled My guts about My past in BDSM prior to meeting My husband. We talked about how much I needed it in My life, and he already knew that I had been just a little too knowledgeable about what I was doing with someone who was calling Me "Mistress" all of the time. Thankfully, he had seen how much happier I had been when I went back to being My real self, and we found a way for Me to have both. Well, that so-called vanilla guy I married, turned out in having an interest in being a Dominant, too. These past couple of years, he's gotten his own start in the lifestyle. I have My collared submissive. We have an agreement between us that our primary relationship will come first, but I don't think he could ever ask Me to close this part of Me off again. I say it on these boards all of the time. I am so thankful that it turned out this way. Wow, your words really struck deep with me on this. I had a difficult time with adding kink into my Vanilla relationships, took things slowly and well, not full swing. Had everything to do with my Vanilla image crumbling. I also know what it's like to not fully disclose one's BDSM past, but not really lie at the same time. At times, I was probed or questioned why I did not speak much of certain past relationships or girls that I had dated. I hear you. It's a strange tightrope, and not one that I would recommend. I think that is why I have the opinions that I do on the courage it takes to be who you really are. No, it's not easy, but it's definitely worth it.

petdave -> RE: Wannabe Vanilla (5/16/2008 7:40:43 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sleazybutterfly I want to be vanilla, I long to be vanilla. I want to make love without needing to be beaten and used to be turned on. I want "normal", safe..hell, I would even take boring. I want to only feel the need for sex every other week or so. I don't want to need the power and strength of a man over me, or to kneel at his feet waiting for his next command. I hate missing a slap across the face, or having wet dreams of play rape. I have to appear vanilla so much that I have resigned myself into the life I have. I have a bit of play, and an M/s roleplay. That however isn't living the life of the slave I am in my heart. I roleplay at being the "normal" lil wife, when in reality I am anything but. She put it much more word better than i could, so i thought i'd just quote... Been an especially trying week sigh

mztresn0w -> RE: Wannabe Vanilla (5/16/2008 8:52:53 PM)
I tried vanilla and didn't like it. So I am who I am and if someone doesn't like it then they can move on.

Justme696 -> RE: Wannabe Vanilla (5/17/2008 12:47:44 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Owner4SexSlave In the spirit of posts regarding wannabe's... Who here has ever played the role of a Wannabe Vanilla, I don't mean this in any negative context. I mean, who has tried like hell to swear off, disvow BDSM like it was some mortal sin. Tried like hell to fit in with the so called norm of society, but no matter how hard you tried. The closet door you were trying to keep shut on BDSM, really did not work, things just seemed to ooze out from under the door anyways? seriously..(my opinion) people beeing in the "lifestyle" are as much in the "vanilla" life. They can't excist with out eachother. IF you allow them to be both in your life...it will all be eassier. Just live your life. people that play soccer are not less vanilla as people not playing soccer...... (ok..weird comparison..lol)

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