RE: Making assumptions and casting blame

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stella41b -> RE: Making assumptions and casting blame (5/9/2008 8:11:59 AM)
I know from my own experience that when you present a drama on the stage you can never be too sure of the audience's reaction. Not always can you find the plot when you have the narrative of one character and a couple of scenes. To some it will be a drama, sometimes a comedy, a farce, a tragedy, or even a pantomime.

RedMagic1 -> RE: Making assumptions and casting blame (5/9/2008 8:15:23 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross I know I'm usually pretty darn accurate Yes, you are. The difference I see in your posts, over that of many others, is that you talk about what the OP can do to improve his or her behavior, and tend to deprioritize the behavior of the people in the situation who have not posted. Let's say a female sub complains about her Dom. Why bother criticizing the Dom? He's not around to hear it. Better to tell her to grow some ovaries and tell him to back off, or to stop being a victim, or whatever's appropriate. Even if it's a full-on abusive situation -- and I do think sometimes it is -- the OP can only control herself. If she leaves him, learns nothing, and repeats the cycle with another abusive man, what's been gained? It's better to help her figure out why she's in the situation, and then deal with the why.

OmegaG -> RE: Making assumptions and casting blame (5/9/2008 8:16:11 AM)
My sister and I are at opposite ends of the spectrum with regards to piercings and tattoos. I enjoy my tattoos and I wouldn't mind more and I would like piercings, but they aren't so emcompassingly important that they superceed a relationship. I had 2 tatoos when I met m'Lord and had an appointment for one that was important to me, Wether it was because it was the early stages of the relationship or he understood the importance, he didn't blink an eye about it, though he did say that he doesn't understand the draw for tattoos. Later on in the relationship he told me that anymore tattoos would have to be approved by him. I have two in mind but only one will be important to me at the correct time. To me the relationship is far more important then the art but my sister chose her husband partially because of his interest in piercings and body art, for her it's a higher priority then for me so it's a deal breaker when she evaluates relationships. I guess that rambling brought me to the conclusion that we all have deal breakers and they are varried, when someone asks for advise on a board they are going to get shades of responses based on people's own preferrences and deal breakers.

ownedgirlie -> RE: Making assumptions and casting blame (5/9/2008 9:06:23 AM)
It's a good question and one that perplexes me. I suspect people are answering based on their own experiences and past pains, rather than what's in front of them, which is only a partial truth. How anyone can decide a relationship is so bad that one should "run, not walk" (I shake my head every time I see that) based on a paragraph by a relative stranger is a mystery to me.

CalifChick -> RE: Making assumptions and casting blame (5/9/2008 9:50:34 AM)
I try to go with the "is this reasonable" test. In the "does mental breakdown=submissive" thread, when he said the girls left and they had been together 2 yrs and 7 yrs, I immediately thought, "it is not reasonable for the AVERAGE woman in a relationship of 7 yrs to bail at the FIRST sign of a problem, so there has to be more to the story." Now if they had played once and he was reduced to sobbing in the fetal position, I can see how a lot of women wouldn't stick around for that, and that would be a REASONABLE response for them. Cali

subtee -> RE: Making assumptions and casting blame (5/9/2008 10:14:31 AM)
I wrote this a short while ago: quote: We don’t know each other…not really. We can learn about one another from what we post here or from PMs, profiles, etc., but this is a forum of the written word and much is left to be colored in by each of us as readers. We realize that inflections, facial/body expressions, intonations, moods, in short, the shadings that enhance meaning and thus understanding in a face-to-face conversation, are lacking in this genre. What do we have to make sense of each other then? Our experience informs our understanding of one another. I can see another’s experience as being like my own, but only through the lens of my own occurrences. After that, we have assumption. Here then, is my question. Do you believe that the assumptions you bring to the boards are generally “benefit of the doubt,” or do they tend toward negative judgments? Are we harsher toward those we never have to look in the eye? Or do we empathize with their words, imagining ourselves within the frame of what has moved them to draw us in…often with a great deal of vulnerability. I think that I see more of the rush to judge (which I realize is a judgment in and of itself). It seems to me that the assumptions we bring to necessarily fill in the colors missing by having only written words are often dark. I see harshness and I admit I have not been immune to it myself. I have had 2 separate days of fasting after having posted something ugly, to remind me to think before I open my mouth. If it is true that we (very generally speaking) tend to dark assumptions over compassionate ones, what does that reflect? Is it simply a matter of the nature of forum reading and postings? Or are we perhaps a society in which it is easier, or socialized, or even endemic to color each other with a brush of disapproving judgment? Is it self-preservation? If you don’t believe that we assume with judgment toward one another, please paint me that picture too. Thank you! The rest of the post, with much wisdom given: http://www.collarchat.com/m_1755107/mpage_1/tm.htm

IronBear -> RE: Making assumptions and casting blame (5/9/2008 11:30:17 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: missturbation Maybe because a lot of people read into things what they want to read and then react off that. I have an Alaskan Malamute boy and an Alaskan Malamute/Siberian Husky cross girl who both as typical with both breeds suffer from selective hearing and attention (focus on food first).. I'd hazzard a guess that if they could read, it would be selective reading too. At least they are more honest about it and are not overly judgemental unlike some people who suffer from the same thing and selective comprehension. Iron Bear Master of Bruin Cottage (A Victorian Lifestyle poly home) "I judge a Man by what I see him do and not by what others tell me he does." (Captain Sir Edward Pellew of the HMS Indefatigable to Midshipman Hornblower ~ C.S. Forrester)

gypsygrl -> RE: Making assumptions and casting blame (5/9/2008 3:25:54 PM)
quote: yeah... but am I being judgemental or am I lying!......or maybe something else. Something else. You were responding to the question put forth by the OP. I pointed out it was a hijack, didn't I? :) Now I feel bad for not responding to the op. Sorry again.

UncleNasty -> RE: Making assumptions and casting blame (5/9/2008 11:24:54 PM)
ent. quote: ORIGINAL: mistoferin . Why do we tend to go there so quickly though with so little information? The speed and stength of the responses most likely has to do with the responder having a personal and historical chord resonnating. "Oh yeah, that happened to me. Here's what I did (or wish I had done). You should do that, and right now!!" I like collecting wisdom - not that I have any mind you - but I collect the wisdom of others. It can come from some unusual sources. Here is one from Bazooka Joe: Take plenty of time to make quick decisions. .07 cents please Uncle Nasty

Maestro66babycak -> RE: Making assumptions and casting blame (5/9/2008 11:42:01 PM)
Maybe because some people here are miserable and want company. That is the only reason I can see for all of the ones that immediately say "leave now "or "you are stupid for not leaving" . I think those people make it sound like BDSM relationships are disposable , like a Kleenex or a condom. What happened to sticking to a relationship and making it work out or at least trying ? I think that when someone posts something asking for advice on how to handle a situation like " Master is cheating what should I do?") or any other heartbreaking situation) advice should be given that will help the person posting cope with the situation and grow from the experience...but i guess that is my nurturing or submissive nature showing. I basically want to help people and to help people is to serve them just as surely as if i had brought them a cup of tea.

UncleNasty -> RE: Making assumptions and casting blame (5/9/2008 11:44:04 PM)
ubs quote: ORIGINAL: stella41b Why does there always have to be someone at fault? Why is apportioning the blame and finding fault the be all and end all? What happened to understanding, asking questions, finding out more information? Whatever happened to finding the solution to the problem and moving on without focussing who's at fault? Hmm. Because blaming is the western way. Problem solving without worrying about blame is the eastern way. Your response is pretty spot on stella. Uncle Nasty

adoracat -> RE: Making assumptions and casting blame (5/10/2008 12:44:17 AM)
~fast reply~ i sorta went through this a while back on my livejournal. wolf was being a pain in my ass, and i vented. my journal, my right to, correct? well....i had a bunch of well-meaning friends jump into "you should leave him!". very well-meaning friends. i finally had to stop mentioning him at all, because i couldnt just bitch about it.....they werent seeing the entire story because all i did was say "he did this, and i feel that way about it". they didnt see the days he told me to go to bed, he'd make dinner. or the days he took the beastlyboy and cleared out of the house so i could rest. or the days he did sweet things for me. granted, things ultimately wored so that yes, we are divorcing. but not with hate, with love and friendship. we just know we cant be spouses to one another. the Truth is: what he said, what she said, and what really happened. and most of us (me definitely included) are too close to our own situation to be able to say in an unbiased manner "this is the truth". kitten, standing down off the soapbox

windchymes -> RE: Making assumptions and casting blame (5/10/2008 5:48:40 AM)
I agree that there are always two sides to any story and we often only hear one of them, which is usually exaggerated by the story-teller to emphasize . But...if something looks like a duck, sounds like a duck, walks like a duck, smells like a duck, MAYBE it was someone on their way to a costume party wearing a duck costume who tripped and fell into a scummy pond and now they have anmesia and are wandering around with a weird cough that sounds just like a duck quacking.....I'm afraid I'm going to find that conclusion very unlikely and just plain call it the duck that is really is.

RedMagic1 -> RE: Making assumptions and casting blame (5/10/2008 7:11:52 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: windchymes I agree that there are always two sides to any story and we often only hear one of them, which is usually exaggerated by the story-teller to emphasize . But...if something looks like a duck, sounds like a duck, walks like a duck, smells like a duck, MAYBE it was someone on their way to a costume party wearing a duck costume who tripped and fell into a scummy pond and now they have anmesia and are wandering around with a weird cough that sounds just like a duck quacking.....I'm afraid I'm going to find that conclusion very unlikely and just plain call it the duck that is really is. Given your signature line, does that make your mind great, average or small?

KatyLied -> RE: Making assumptions and casting blame (5/10/2008 7:16:03 AM)
quote: Why do we tend to go there so quickly though with so little information? Projection. I think people sometimes project their worst experiences into these stories, almost as if they are being hurt all over again. When I read some of the responses they seem personal to me, like it's the person responding to the thread who has been hurt, not the OP.

nwcutie102 -> RE: Making assumptions and casting blame (5/10/2008 7:21:45 AM)
two sides to every break-up.... then the truth

Focus50 -> RE: Making assumptions and casting blame (5/10/2008 8:00:19 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mistoferin We usually only get one side of a story and even that is generally very limited as to what the "whole" picture looks like. Sometimes it's pretty clear cut and I can understand how people come to the conclusions they do...have even gone there myself on occasion. I don't want to limit this thread by saying that it is specifically about one or two posts because it's not....I have seen many, many such examples here on CollarMe. But just so everyone has a current reference I will use the threads on the "Ask A Master" board today. One thread about a guy who lost his job and both his submissives and is having a hard time moving forward. Numerous people automatically jumped toward blaming the submissives for leaving. The OP never said why they left or what led up to that. People just assumed they were shallow women who left because the OP lost his job. They were long term relationships (2 and 7 years I believe). There could be one of a million reasons why they left. Maybe this was the 20th job he lost. Maybe there were lots of other issues and this one was just the last straw. Another post on the same board by a submissive who states she is brand new, just found a dominant (has only had two sessions so far) and is finding that she needs more vanilla conversation than he has been interested in so far. So from that information it was determined that he is a user who is taking advantage of her. Huh???? As I said, it's not about those threads specifically, I actually see it pretty often on here. They often end in cries of "You should leave him". I would certainly hope that people would put more thought into ending a relationship and not do so simply because someone on an internet message board told them to. I can also see where in some cases it probably is the best advice. Why do we tend to go there so quickly though with so little information? What's the alternative? We only answer queries where both parties in dispute put their case - together? That will certainly leave the Boards less cluttered with annoying questions and responses.... That it's unreasonable to think the enquiring party hasn't given all the information relevant to them? Frankly, I find it works better when an OP actually manages the topic they start and fills in relevant gaps, particularly if they're seeking input specific to something personal. Then you and I wouldn't be having words - maybe... ;-) Focus.

TemptingNviceSub -> RE: Making assumptions and casting blame (5/10/2008 10:45:24 AM)
To my way of thinking an OP opens a thread,asks their question in whatever manner they choose (with or without a lot of info)..then it comes down to the OP to weed through responses given, and see what resonates within..you can certainly bet that 9 out of 10 times the OP is not going to run as had been advised, nor are they going to break off that 7 year relationship. If they are intelligient OP's they will either take many thoughts from varying viewpoints and create the solution they seek to their particular situation..choose one that seems to have a handle on what it is they want to hear...or ignore all of the advice given..so personally I say...make assumptions at will!, cast blame if you wish! advise from your own personal experiences,be supportive,be funny...because at the end of a day..it will still be the OP's choice.......Tempting

windchymes -> RE: Making assumptions and casting blame (5/10/2008 11:18:38 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RedMagic1 quote: ORIGINAL: windchymes I agree that there are always two sides to any story and we often only hear one of them, which is usually exaggerated by the story-teller to emphasize . But...if something looks like a duck, sounds like a duck, walks like a duck, smells like a duck, MAYBE it was someone on their way to a costume party wearing a duck costume who tripped and fell into a scummy pond and now they have anmesia and are wandering around with a weird cough that sounds just like a duck quacking.....I'm afraid I'm going to find that conclusion very unlikely and just plain call it the duck that is really is. Given your signature line, does that make your mind great, average or small? Given yours, are you feeling superior, or boasting?

windchymes -> RE: Making assumptions and casting blame (5/10/2008 11:35:21 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KatyLied quote: Why do we tend to go there so quickly though with so little information? Projection. I think people sometimes project their worst experiences into these stories, almost as if they are being hurt all over again. When I read some of the responses they seem personal to me, like it's the person responding to the thread who has been hurt, not the OP. I strongly agree with this. I think when you've lived longer and have experienced and seen much more than someone younger and inexperienced with the ways of the world, you tend to lose the rose-colored glasses approach to giving the benefit of doubt. When you've been dumped on, you tend to heed warning signs and be more cautious and even judgemental about a potential situation. For example, say you've been cheated on by a series of partners. If the next partner is late getting home or doesn't call when they're supposed to, it's very likely that the immediate knee-jerk reaction would be that this one is probably cheating, also. And that same reaction would most likely carry over to online posting, since that's what we have to go on in our personal life. I'm not saying it makes it right or acceptable, but it's where it's coming from.

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