RE: Dom/Sub Intimacy

RE: Dom/Sub Intimacy (Full Version)

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bruisedpetals -> RE: Dom/Sub Intimacy (4/29/2008 7:57:19 AM)
Give a man a mask, and he will tell you the truth ~ Oscar Wilde

RCdc -> RE: Dom/Sub Intimacy (4/29/2008 8:06:55 AM)
Persona Blue Man Group (MaskVideo) the.dark.

MistressOfGa -> RE: Dom/Sub Intimacy (4/29/2008 10:35:23 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael quote: The dom/sub relationship allows me to share incredibly profound levels of intimacy with submissives. NO The dom/sub "relationship" doesn't do jack shit, any reading of this forum can tell you that. PEOPLE who allow (and even harder LEARN to make) themselves emotionally and psychologically naked and vulnerable. People do that, SOME people, few in fact. Michael, I am surprised at you. The OP has his way of thinking and feeling. If he feels like this about the dom/sub relationship, who are you to tell him no? Let him have his fantasy, why should you pound on his ideas simply because you think the relationship doesn't do jack shit? I'd like to see the book you got that information out of. MoGa

UncleNasty -> RE: Dom/Sub Intimacy (4/29/2008 11:13:23 AM)
Intimacy. Big topic. Lifestylers/kinksters, call us/them what you will. Do we have more of it? I've really no idea. I do think we have better opportunities to get there. I define intimacy between two people (and I don't think you can really be intimate with yourself) as when they can be 100% of who and what they are with each other. Completely without mask or facade, completely exposed and vulnerable. There can be no trust without honesty, and no intimcay without trust. Trust takes on a different aspect in D/s and BDSM. It has definitely palpable, physical characterisitcs to it that vanilla relationships don't have. People in the lifestyle have already come to accept some things about themselves that can be difficult to ackowledge. Some of us here may have lost touch with the difficulty of saying out loud for the first time "I like to be spanked," or "I like to tie women up and whip them," or whatever it was that you said out loud the first time. There is so much against us in coming to know and accept ourselves in these ways. It can be quite a hurdle to overcome. The courage and self awareness in order to do that are not small. So we have literally tangible demonstrations of trust and trustworthiness done on a regular or continuous basis, and self knowledge and acceptance in the face of difficulties and obstacles. I believe these two present more and better opportunites for intimacy for us than is generally found in the vanilla world. It isn't automatic that intimacy will be the result of D/s relationships. Just seems we have a better start at getting there. For the record I don't see sex and intimacy as being synonomous. For me intimacy is something that happens above the waist. Sex as a manifestation of intimacy is very powerfull, very special. I expect we all know it isn't a requirment. .02 cents please. Uncle Nasty

MladyHathor -> RE: Dom/Sub Intimacy (4/29/2008 12:06:29 PM)
You know, I've wrestled with whether I even have the ability to respond to this thread---but here are My thoughts---Intimacy like love is subjective, it has a multitude of variations on a theme---to one it may be sharing their sexual fantasies while they are open about other aspects of themselves and then there is the reverse----I hardly think any one can say pffttt well that is not what xxx does for a relationship---I think the point here is intimacy is damn scarey for most people--fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of ridicule plays pretty high up in most people's psyche--and we are wired differently in what we believe exists about us that someone else may find repulsive or dark or scarey. If the participation in this life frees two people to break through those barriers--more power to them--I can also show you people in this life that will never open up about anything to anyone. But the OP makes a good point--TRUST--total and complete in or out of this life provides a resting place for intimacy. *Which brings up a good question I will post in a new thread so as not to steal this one--*

South4men -> RE: Dom/Sub Intimacy (4/29/2008 12:35:51 PM)
very true, Dude!

hejira92 -> RE: Dom/Sub Intimacy (4/29/2008 1:04:15 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael quote: The dom/sub relationship allows me to share incredibly profound levels of intimacy with submissives. NO The dom/sub "relationship" doesn't do jack shit, any reading of this forum can tell you that. PEOPLE who allow (and even harder LEARN to make) themselves emotionally and psychologically naked and vulnerable. People do that, SOME people, few in fact. Yes, while I agree that the level of emotional maturity is more important to the achievement of intimacy than corresponding kinks, I, personally (no blanket statement here- just ME), was unable to establish a long-term, healthy, fulfilling, intimate relationship until I acknowledged and explored and accepted my own D/s needs. Therefore, the kinky did lead to the ultimate in intimacy FOR ME.

kiwisub12 -> RE: Dom/Sub Intimacy (4/29/2008 1:52:13 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: hejira92 quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael quote: The dom/sub relationship allows me to share incredibly profound levels of intimacy with submissives. NO The dom/sub "relationship" doesn't do jack shit, any reading of this forum can tell you that. PEOPLE who allow (and even harder LEARN to make) themselves emotionally and psychologically naked and vulnerable. People do that, SOME people, few in fact. Yes, while I agree that the level of emotional maturity is more important to the achievement of intimacy than corresponding kinks, I, personally (no blanket statement here- just ME), was unable to establish a long-term, healthy, fulfilling, intimate relationship until I acknowledged and explored and accepted my own D/s needs. Therefore, the kinky did lead to the ultimate in intimacy FOR ME. me too - me too [:)]

CountrySong -> RE: Dom/Sub Intimacy (4/29/2008 2:08:21 PM)
I have known LOVE. The type of love that you would die for. The type of love that makes you feel like you have died when you lose it. The type that cuts your heart still when you think of it. The type of love that haunts your dreams and you will quest to find again for the rest of your life. Sex does not compare to it - not even close. I went to two lifestyle events last week with someone who was under my collar and consideration. Did the usual BS - couple of floggings, after care, bottomed once, hanging out, watching other have sex, hot tub, nude karaoke, multiple orgasms, thinking about having sex with the sluts that hang around and will do anyone. I had my Dom masks on as usual. The truth is that it felt good physically but was so empty emotionally when compared to the LOVE I've known. I would not hesitate to give that "lifestyle" all up to have the LOVE I seek for the rest of my life. To find a partner and build a family and a dream together. The problem is that I can't go back and find that love in the vanilla world. I've done too much here and when I have tried to LOVE someone outside of this world I've found my past scares and repels them. I can't have that LOVE and lie to them. So I do what I can filling the void with fantasies, friends, and sex. Dreaming of real LOVE. The type of love that makes dreams come real.

SimplyMichael -> RE: Dom/Sub Intimacy (4/29/2008 4:44:43 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: hejira92 Yes, while I agree that the level of emotional maturity is more important to the achievement of intimacy than corresponding kinks, I, personally (no blanket statement here- just ME), was unable to establish a long-term, healthy, fulfilling, intimate relationship until I acknowledged and explored and accepted my own D/s needs. Therefore, the kinky did lead to the ultimate in intimacy FOR ME. I agree with the last sentence, I have written pretty extensivly about my journey but your experience proves what we are saying about BDSM or D/s isn't a relationship style that equals healthy relationship. I don't know what your relationship history is but few go from crappy vanilla relationships and their first BDSM or D/s one is suddenly perfect. Day in and day out we read otherwise on these very boards. quote: True intimacy is based on trust. Only when we are with someone we greatly trust are we able to shed ALL our masks and achieve the deep intimacy we all desire so much. Then, and only then, can we can make ourselves emotionally and psychologically naked and vulnerable. The dom/sub relationship allows me to share incredibly profound levels of intimacy with submissives. Perhaps I am projecting but the first paragraph I can support but that is true of any relationship. In the second sentence, he is saying that by using D/s he can have a more profound relationship with any submissive and I strongly dissagree. It is like saying I can have a better meal if the restaraunt has better decor, the chef makes the food, not the decor. I don't mean to rip on the OP, what he posted was nice and I think his heart is i n the right place it is just that I disagree with the concept that BECAUSE you are in a D/s relationship it is better than vanilla. It is just a relationship and like any good one, it is unique to the participants.

hejira92 -> RE: Dom/Sub Intimacy (4/29/2008 4:58:50 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael I don't mean to rip on the OP, what he posted was nice and I think his heart is i n the right place it is just that I disagree with the concept that BECAUSE you are in a D/s relationship it is better than vanilla. It is just a relationship and like any good one, it is unique to the participants. I have seen this discussion many times on these boards, and I certainly understand why people can disagree with blanket pronouncements of "We are Kinky- therefore we are better/more evolved/more intimate"- type things. We are the whole shebang-healthy, sick, crazy, wonderful, self-destructive- like any heterogeneous group. I think people post these things to generalize their experiences to everyone. They make the leap that "I am having a more fulfilling, intimate relationship because of D/s, therefore D/s is inherently a more fulfilling, superior type of relationship. Unfortunately, A does not equal C. ....For the general population. But, in the specific- it's not "that BECAUSE you are in a D/s relationship it is better than vanilla" it's "BECAUSE I am in a D/s relationship it is better than vanilla"

LadyPact -> RE: Dom/Sub Intimacy (4/29/2008 5:11:04 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HerLord quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact What I'm saying is, if you've got something that you're fortunate enough to have, that some people might never get, appreciate it. Recognize it for what it is. Take the time to be thankful for it. If that it happens to be a who, I'll bet they'll be glad to hear it. simply poetic. and true. seldom are the two a pair. Thank you for the compliment, HerLord. Every once in a while, I get something right. My best to you and yours.

kallisto -> RE: Dom/Sub Intimacy (4/29/2008 5:36:52 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: UncleNasty I define intimacy between two people (and I don't think you can really be intimate with yourself) as when they can be 100% of who and what they are with each other. Completely without mask or facade, completely exposed and vulnerable. There can be no trust without honesty, and no intimcay without trust. Trust takes on a different aspect in D/s and BDSM. It has definitely palpable, physical characterisitcs to it that vanilla relationships don't have. I agree with this. Being intimate with someone doesn't have to involve sex. It can be as simple as a touch or a look. Or it can be a night full of conversation. Or a night full of play. Intimacy is your partner knowing you inside and outside. Vulnerable and exposed (emotionally, physically, mentally) to your partner.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Dom/Sub Intimacy (4/29/2008 7:20:58 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: UncleNasty Lifestylers/kinksters, call us/them what you will. Do we have more of it? I've really no idea. I do think we have better opportunities to get there. Which opportunities would those be? quote: Trust takes on a different aspect in D/s and BDSM. It has definitely palpable, physical characterisitcs to it that vanilla relationships don't have. Care to explain? I completely disagree with this. quote: People in the lifestyle have already come to accept some things about themselves that can be difficult to ackowledge. Let me introduce you to some pretty scared and hiding people who USE Ds and bdsm as a way to ESCAPE from themselves. quote: Some of us here may have lost touch with the difficulty of saying out loud for the first time "I like to be spanked," or "I like to tie women up and whip them," or whatever it was that you said out loud the first time. There is so much against us in coming to know and accept ourselves in these ways. It can be quite a hurdle to overcome. The courage and self awareness in order to do that are not small. Yes, but that exists in the non kink world as well. quote: So we have literally tangible demonstrations of trust and trustworthiness done on a regular or continuous basis, and self knowledge and acceptance in the face of difficulties and obstacles. I believe these two present more and better opportunites for intimacy for us than is generally found in the vanilla world. It isn't automatic that intimacy will be the result of D/s relationships. Just seems we have a better start at getting there. Again you give these statements without any actual examples? I'm betting whatever examples you give, I can provide just as relevant ones in the vanilla world.

KnightofMists -> RE: Dom/Sub Intimacy (4/29/2008 8:40:17 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lynnxz I'm 99% sure he was being sarcastic. [&:] nothing gets by you!

KnightofMists -> RE: Dom/Sub Intimacy (4/29/2008 9:02:13 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: hejira92 I think people post these things to generalize their experiences to everyone. They make the leap that "I am having a more fulfilling, intimate relationship because of D/s, therefore D/s is inherently a more fulfilling, superior type of relationship. Unfortunately, A does not equal C. ....For the general population. But, in the specific- it's not "that BECAUSE you are in a D/s relationship it is better than vanilla" it's "BECAUSE I am in a D/s relationship it is better than vanilla" There is additional issue here. the idea is that D/s allows a person to have this better relationship. To me this is putting the cart before the horse. D/s in of itself doesn't allow a person to have a better relationship. If it did... well everyone that came into the lifestyle and jumped into a relationship would be prefect for them. I suppose some like to think ... Clothes make the Man.... Well.. I am of the thought... The Man makes the Clothes. My relationship is my relationship! Regardless of D/s or other label you choose to call it. I know what I need and don't need in the relationship... I know what fits me and what doesn't fit me. I know what looks good on me and what doesn't look good on me. I make the choices of what to put on! to follow Michael's example... The chef makes the Meal! He takes the right ingredients... combines them in the right way... However, We are not just talking about following a recipe. We are talking as much about artistry as we are about skill. A cook follows a recipe... and chef... creates a feast! Their are many cooks here and they follow D/s like a recipe to get that prefect relationship. My observation have been those that approach it like a chef actually succeed while the others do not.

hejira92 -> RE: Dom/Sub Intimacy (4/29/2008 9:28:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KnightofMists My relationship is my relationship! Regardless of D/s or other label you choose to call it. I know what I need and don't need in the relationship... I know what fits me and what doesn't fit me. I know what looks good on me and what doesn't look good on me. I make the choices of what to put on! to follow Michael's example... The chef makes the Meal! He takes the right ingredients... combines them in the right way... However, We are not just talking about following a recipe. We are talking as much about artistry as we are about skill. A cook follows a recipe... and chef... creates a feast! This is it, exactly. You are speaking for yourself. Through my life experiences, I have grown into a functioning, healthy adult who has the self-knowledge and insight to understand myself and my needs that must be met for a fulfilling, intimate relationship. D/s, TPE, Power Enhancement Relationship Dynamic with Authority Transfer- however you choose to define/describe it- I need this in MY fulfilling, intimate relationship. And that cannot be extrapolated to society in general.

KnightofMists -> RE: Dom/Sub Intimacy (4/30/2008 7:38:27 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: hejira92 And that cannot be extrapolated to society in general. yes... and no.... If you want to cook a fullfilling relationship... well we can give some basic ingredients for the meal.... but every chef has a secret ingredient or two. This secret ingredient is the uniqueness of the individuals involved in the relationship that is applicable to them. BDSM or D/s doesn't allow open communication... People allow open-communication. In this lifestyle... people with open communication will discover alot of interesting secret ingredients that will spice of their relationship.... but the basic ingredient of open-communication is from the people involved... not the structure.

HerLord -> RE: Dom/Sub Intimacy (4/30/2008 6:03:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KnightofMists Their are many cooks here and they follow D/s like a recipe to get that prefect relationship. My observation have been those that approach it like a chef actually succeed while the others do not. There is a great deal of revelation in this. It is not what we do that determines our succes rate, it is how, in what order, and with specific intent. There is no BDSM rule book that explains rules to a D/s relationship that applies to all for as in nilla, each dynamic is unique from with in the infinite number of specific individualities within each dynamic. (shit that was a long winded sentance, and to think I aint even drinking yet LOL) (damn I gotta be done, that took way too much outta me) copper spent (and so am I)

MistressDollys -> RE: Dom/Sub Intimacy (5/3/2008 12:13:53 PM)
You make a great point that alluded me until now. i never let people inside of my defenses at work or at play. There's also a limit to how far i will let someone in with my friends and family. But with the D/s side of my relationship i can open up and allow myself to reach higher levels of intimacy as our relationship grows and our bonds become stronger. i can let go and be free of the chains that keep me concerned about letting someone know too much about me. i can relax that i won't be hurt in a way that scars my psyche - at least in a non-fun-emotional way ;-) Thank You for a long needed insight into why i love being in a D/s relationship.

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