Seperation and Divorce (Full Version)

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MissAngelandsub -> Seperation and Divorce (4/26/2008 1:05:22 AM)

I am currently seperated from my husband who was also my Dom. My life is falling a part in front of me and I have no idea what to do. I am alone at home with no way of that changing soon. That is my biggest fear being alone...I hate it more than anything. My friends tell me to stay and that I will learn to like it. I am staying for many reasons one being the job I have, I can transfer if I want but then I won't have the support of my friends. I would be around family but I don't want to be around people that will Dog my husband. Yes I know how he is and that he would never be the right fit for me but I don't want him being bad mouthed around me either. I still love him I am just not in love with him anymore. The life I have lived for 4 years is gone and replased with lonleyness and emptiness, I need advice if you can give any. How do I cope and learn to live alone and be able to sleep in my own bed instead of on the living room couch? How do I deal with the mess left behind? I have so many questions and I know this post is probably a ramble of sorts but I need advice and help and this is the one place I can turn to that knows about our lifestyle and knows what I am missing.



adoracat -> RE: Seperation and Divorce (4/26/2008 1:30:22 AM)

i'm mostly in the same boat.  i'm leaving my husband of nearly 16 years.  i'm relocating 4 states away, closer to my family, going to eventually marry TheEngineer, who has been a presence in my life for over 7 years now.  (we had been poly for about 10 years.)  i'm also having to leave Daddy as i relocate.

i got two ears, no waiting, if you need to vent.

kitten



MissAngelandsub -> RE: Seperation and Divorce (4/26/2008 1:37:40 AM)

Thank you and I took advantage of it [:)]. I have seen your posts and I see you are upbeat. My problem came on all of a sudden no time to prepare and its hit me really hard.



adoracat -> RE: Seperation and Divorce (4/26/2008 3:38:24 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAngelandsub

Thank you and I took advantage of it [:)]. I have seen your posts and I see you are upbeat. My problem came on all of a sudden no time to prepare and its hit me really hard.


*hugs*  it doesnt matter if its all of a sudden or just finally realizing there isnt a real marriage left.  its rough, and hard on the heart, and tough to get through.

kitten



windchymes -> RE: Seperation and Divorce (4/26/2008 5:24:15 AM)

I'm sorry for what you're going through...been there myself :)

It is true that you get used to being alone after awhile.  But, you might also look into taking in a roommate, if you have an extra bedroom.  Is there a friend or co-worker that is maybe looking for a place to stay for awhile?   It would also give you the added benefit of some extra income.



MissAngelandsub -> RE: Seperation and Divorce (4/26/2008 7:54:39 AM)

Well I have a hard time trusting people....and no wonder there but I can't live witht he idea of someone living with me that I don't know well..I have things here that I would kill to keep and if they went missing I would never forgive myself. Right now the best thing for me is to be alone I think. To grieve the way I need to without someone interrupting it, I am not one to cry in front of others and it is a hard thing to do unless I am alone.

One thing I want to add is I never got sooo much mail in my life on here til I changed my profile.......geeeeez makes me want to change it back lol



ownedgirlie -> RE: Seperation and Divorce (4/26/2008 8:47:42 AM)

I am sorry for what you are going through.  My therapist asked me, "What rule is there that says you have to sleep in your bed?"  I sleep far better on the couch, and often do.  I like that cozy, cushy confined, snuggliness I feel on the couch. 

I had never lived alone before in my life and at the age of 40, here I was in a one bedroom apartment, having moved from half an acre in the foothills.  I hybernated at first, but I found myself, to my own surprise, LOVING being alone.  My Master was concerned and considered having me get a roommate at first but I begged him to allow me the chance to live alone to see if I would like it.  I have flourished. 

Try not to isolate yourself.  If there are things to do in your neighborhood - shopping, movies, bike trails, whatever it may be - go explore it.  If you have friends nearby, LET THEM HELP YOU!  That was the hardest part for me, was to let people in enough to admit I needed their help. 

And as cliche as it sounds, I highly recommend finding a good therapist.  You are going through so many things right now - grieving the relationship, the companionship, what you thought your future was going to be, and the way your life has changed.  Plus, now you are fending for yourself, too.  A good therapist will help you explore your fears about being alone, so that they no longer scare you, and will help you figure out how to stay planted on your feet and not topple over.

When I first moved away from my husband, I spent the first few months sleeping with every light on, and many nights I would literally cling to my bed to keep myself from getting up and "going back home."  I would go grocery shopping and not know what to buy (I had forgotten what I liked), and I remember throwing a jar of peanut butter across the room because I couldn't open it and didn't have the husband to hand it to!

And the first thunder and lightening storm??  My sister called to see if I was ok.  I was curled up and crying with a bowl of Rocky Road ice cream!  (Rocky Road solves everything).

But I adapted, and so will you.  The fact that you reached out for help by the nature of your post speaks volumes to your desires for self survival.  Give yourself credit for your strength, and use it. 



sambamanslilgirl -> RE: Seperation and Divorce (4/26/2008 9:20:52 AM)

i was in your shoes four years ago when my ex one Friday morning decided to walk out the door. my world suddenly went from sunny to clouds and rain leaving me with a toddler and pre-teen recovering from a traumatic accident. we tried to work things out but he continuously blamed me for the break-up of our marriage ...so i stoppd trying and focused my energy on my UMs.

yes i was scared ...more like terrified of being alone - and my ex while we were separated would use that fear to control me.  he kept tearing down my self confidence and esteem with "no one will ever love you like i did", "you never appreciated all that i have done for you and this family" or "i was the best thing to happen to you".  however he was wrong - i was the best thing to ever happen to him. despite his drinking/verbal and physical abuse/DUI arrests and court/car accident, i'm the one who stuck by his side.  i finally realized he never appreciated me. i took that new found strength and energy and started living without him. i may have struggled to keep my head above water but i made sure my UMs were happy and provided for.

though he filed for divorce first, i was relieved that he received the brunt of the court's anger for not being involved my UMs' life and paying child support while we're separated (he thought sending change once a month was enough). he still believes i will come crawling back and beg him to take me back. the old me (before meeting Daddy) probably would however the new me (after meeting Daddy) doesn't want the bastard back. he's slowly realizing that too.



corsetgirl -> RE: Seperation and Divorce (4/26/2008 9:35:27 AM)

I am so sorry you are feeling this way.  I was also in the same boat undergoing a divorce after being married to an abusive man for 4 years.  When I separated from my ex-husband, I slept a lot and actually felt relieved that I left him but I missed my stepchildren and was saddened they had to go through his BS. 

I agree with the others, take some time to grieve over the loss of your marriage.  I knew why mine failed because my ex was a drinker long before we got married but I was blinded because I was in love with him.  It is also a good idea to spend some time with your friends and family members.  I find people can be a good support system.  If you still feel empty and lonely, see if you can either find a therapist or a support group to help you overcome these feelings.

It took me awhile to adjust from being a wife, stepmother to a single person but now, I cherish that freedom at times without the drama!  You are not alone.



MissAngelandsub -> RE: Seperation and Divorce (4/26/2008 10:45:38 AM)

Thank you all, I will send a better response when I get off work. I thank you all for your support, I didn't know where else to go and I thought this was the best place as any. Thank you soo much.



adoracat -> RE: Seperation and Divorce (4/26/2008 11:01:10 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sambamanslilgirl

i was in your shoes four years ago when my ex one Friday morning decided to walk out the door. my world suddenly went from sunny to clouds and rain leaving me with a toddler and pre-teen recovering from a traumatic accident. we tried to work things out but he continuously blamed me for the break-up of our marriage ...so i stoppd trying and focused my energy on my UMs.

yes i was scared ...more like terrified of being alone - and my ex while we were separated would use that fear to control me.  he kept tearing down my self confidence and esteem with "no one will ever love you like i did", "you never appreciated all that i have done for you and this family" or "i was the best thing to happen to you".  however he was wrong - i was the best thing to ever happen to him. despite his drinking/verbal and physical abuse/DUI arrests and court/car accident, i'm the one who stuck by his side.  i finally realized he never appreciated me. i took that new found strength and energy and started living without him. i may have struggled to keep my head above water but i made sure my UMs were happy and provided for.

though he filed for divorce first, i was relieved that he received the brunt of the court's anger for not being involved my UMs' life and paying child support while we're separated (he thought sending change once a month was enough). he still believes i will come crawling back and beg him to take me back. the old me (before meeting Daddy) probably would however the new me (after meeting Daddy) doesn't want the bastard back. he's slowly realizing that too.



i had to bold that bit....

that was what my ex put me through for 10 years, also.  we have a daughter, and he hasnt seen her in probably 10 years now.  only in the last 6 months or so has he really established a phone relationship with her.

she's 25 now and thinks he's a joke.  i'm 44....and finally finding wht happiness feels like.

kitten



MissAngelandsub -> RE: Seperation and Divorce (4/26/2008 8:05:41 PM)

My husband emotionally and mentally abused me and wouldn't hit me at all but would act like he would and throw things and he had very bad anger control....so much is running through my mind right now. I am getting better at staying at home alone. At least its peaceful and I can look forward to coming home now. Its nice to know I am not the only one that has been going through this. Its nice to have support even if it is from strangers.



ownedgirlie -> RE: Seperation and Divorce (4/26/2008 10:41:54 PM)

Enjoy walking on your own carpet instead of on eggshells.  :)



MissAngelandsub -> RE: Seperation and Divorce (4/27/2008 12:29:00 AM)

I am enjoying being able to be myself again, I am enjoying being able to do what I want and not get bitched at. I am enjoying spending time with friends that are *gasp* guys without him thinking I am screwing around on him. I even like being able to look at guys with a different perspective I would have had a few days ago. Its really nice to have that much of change happen from one little thing. I am also letting my friends help me one more than any of them without him I would be running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I have decided to call a lawyer Monday and see what they can do by helping me with the Order of Protection and eventually divorce proceedings. I hope since I am a client of the domestic abuse shelter here they will give me a break on paying too much up front and help me with making payments on it.



pahunkboy -> RE: Seperation and Divorce (4/27/2008 6:55:19 AM)

A few of us were outside "decorating" your car. Instead of just married' we put "now free".


I hope we got the right car.....                                     ;-)



Rule -> RE: Seperation and Divorce (4/27/2008 7:13:24 AM)

Have a vacation.



MissAngelandsub -> RE: Seperation and Divorce (4/27/2008 7:46:33 AM)

lol pahunk [sm=cute.gif]we can just have a big party hehehehehe



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