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Infidelity - 4/22/2008 1:32:06 PM

DupedDom

Posts: 65
Joined: 1/3/2008
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OK, Have just been beaten up badly in my last post. So character assasin's relax!!Just talking to the married folks now. About sleeping with other people.

I do not think it matters if your spouse knows about your infidelity or not, if she allows it or not, condones it or not. If you are married and have relations sexual, cyber or otherwise, it is being unfaithfull. There is more lying and subtrifuge if the spouse doesn't know about it but in any case you are breaking your vows.

Post #: 1

RE: Infidelity - 4/22/2008 1:33:38 PM

ThunderRoad

Posts: 231
Joined: 3/15/2006
Status: offline

Glad to see you have an opinion. Others may have a different one. I hope in your world that is ok.

(in reply to DupedDom)

Post #: 2

RE: Infidelity - 4/22/2008 2:12:46 PM

akisha

Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline

You're opinion is yours by right, but I just want to say...

you are seriously narrow minded.

You are totally welcome to believe in what ever you wish, but you'll find that especially on this forum, you will be very much in the minority.

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RE: Infidelity - 4/22/2008 2:17:06 PM

colouredin

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No cheating goes part and parcel with lying, its only cheating if you lie, you promise to "love honour and obey" where there does it say dont sleep with anyone else if everyone is cool about it? the reason that cheating is against the vows is because lying doesnt really go well with loving or honouring at all really.

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Post #: 4

RE: Infidelity - 4/22/2008 2:21:25 PM

aphrodite5

Posts: 71
Joined: 8/5/2007
Status: offline

And what about people who write their own vows? I know when I got married we went through every line of what we were promising each other, and we made sure that the promises we made were things we would actually do. So what if you didn't vow to be monogomous when you were married?

(in reply to colouredin)

Post #: 5

RE: Infidelity - 4/22/2008 2:24:31 PM

Floggings4You

Posts: 240
Joined: 12/18/2006
Status: offline

My wife and I wrote Our vows when We were married twelve years ago, and We never agreed to be faithful to each Other. Ironically, We were both faithful for the first six years of Our marriage.

So, yes, technically, We've been 'unfaithful', but We've never broken Our vows.

In any case, I think you're placing far too much emphasis on semantics...

quote:

ORIGINAL: DupedDom

I do not think it matters if your spouse knows about your infidelity or not, if she allows it or not, condones it or not. If you are married and have relations sexual, cyber or otherwise, it is being unfaithfull. There is more lying and subtrifuge if the spouse doesn't know about it but in any case you are breaking your vows.

(in reply to DupedDom)

Post #: 6

RE: Infidelity - 4/22/2008 3:00:26 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I'm glad you have an opinion (lesson learned, maybe?) but I hope you understand that not everyone shares it.

Some of us tend to lean more towards whether the partner knows or not, to define whether or not a matter is cheating. I think most married folks are perfectly capable of making decisions together, meaning both people are aware of what the partners chose to participate in, be it together, or separate from each other. This is how people come to agreements on open marriages, poly, and all other sorts of honest relationships that involve more than two people. It's just My personal opinion, but I think there is a huge difference between the two methods of a couple making the decision together, where everyone is aware, and the sneaking, lying, hiding, and deception that goes on where one of the partners doesn't know.

More often than not, when I read thread about folks being cheated on, what hurts the offended party isn't always the physical act. It's the emotional hurt that goes along with it. The breaking of trust, the lies, the feelings that they now have to doubt what they can believe from their partner. A sexual act, a lot of people can accept. It's the rest that goes with it, from a less than honest standpoint, that is the destructive force.

You might be interested in reading some of the threads on this poly forum to help you understand this. There are a lot of us here who have mulitple relationships, where it isn't about people being hurt, but about people who have the integrity, communication, honesty, and trust to be able to be involved with more than one person. We talk on this board about how multiple relationships can be more about love than pain. It isn't all that often that you'll find threads on the poly board about cheating.

PS. OP, if it really is your belief that the cyber thing is included in your definition of cheating, it would still be My recommendation that you either tell your wife about your CM account or close it.

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(in reply to DupedDom)

Post #: 7

RE: Infidelity - 4/22/2008 3:20:42 PM

slaveboyforyou

Posts: 3607
Joined: 1/6/2005
From: Arkansas, U.S.A.
Status: offline

quote:

OK, Have just been beaten up badly in my last post. So character assasin's relax!!Just talking to the married folks now. About sleeping with other people.

I do not think it matters if your spouse knows about your infidelity or not, if she allows it or not, condones it or not. If you are married and have relations sexual, cyber or otherwise, it is being unfaithfull. There is more lying and subtrifuge if the spouse doesn't know about it but in any case you are breaking your vows.

Why do you care what other people do? Poly really isn't my brand of beer either, but I don't pass judgment on people that do it. I could never do it for a few reasons. I am admittedly jealous, and I just couldn't do it. Also, I just don't have the energy for that. It's hard enough for me to keep one relationship together, much less two or more. I tried dating a married woman once in a poly situation. It made me extremely uncomfortable how cool her hubbie was with it. He was a nice guy too. It weirded me out how nice he was. I imagine that's just hardwiring in my psyche, but nevertheless I couldn't do it.

But that being said, I don't care if others find joy in these arrangements. I just don't care what others do. Saying it's wrong is just like a poly person telling me I am too selfish and less evolved emotionally than them. It's bullshit; everyone is different.

< Message edited by slaveboyforyou -- 4/22/2008 3:21:37 PM >

(in reply to DupedDom)

Post #: 8

RE: Infidelity - 4/22/2008 3:53:19 PM

pahunkboy

Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline

somewhere want to ammend the law so one can sue the 3rd person for damages.....yikes

(in reply to slaveboyforyou)

Post #: 9

RE: Infidelity - 4/22/2008 3:55:33 PM

atursvcMaam

Posts: 1195
Joined: 5/10/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: colouredin

No cheating goes part and parcel with lying, its only cheating if you lie, you promise to "love honour and obey" where there does it say dont sleep with anyone else if everyone is cool about it? the reason that cheating is against the vows is because lying doesnt really go well with loving or honouring at all really.

When i took vows, i believe the next lne was "forsaking all others." Would i be married still if that held, Who knows? someone once told me that infidelity was generally not necessarily the problem, but a symptom of a strained relationship.

My reaction if i find that someone with whom i am about to get involved is married is to say "Take all of the effort that You will devote to me, and misleading Your spouse, and put it into fixing Your relationship." Yeah, i am a f**king prince, but it also saves me from the thought, "if She cheats on him, She will, most likely cheat on me."

whether you are right or wrong in this case is between you and your spouse. i would personally take all of the effort you can and put it into keeping that relationship together. but that is just my humble, divorced opinion. i miss my children a great deal. i sometimes miss my ex, but my aim is improving.

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(in reply to colouredin)

Post #: 10

RE: Infidelity - 4/22/2008 4:48:13 PM

corsetgirl

Posts: 824
Joined: 5/22/2004
Status: offline

To the OP:

I am just curious as to how would you feel if your wife cheated on you? Would you stay in that marriage or would you leave her? For myself, if I had that relationship with a dom, I like to put myself in other people's feelings. If that relationship did not work out, I would definitely tell them that it was not working that I would move on and I would do so before being with another dom.

I do feel for you because I was once in your situation. I was not married but after breaking up with my ex-dom, he went out with a married sub who was unhappy with her marriage. She divorced her husband to marry this man. To say that I was hurt was an understatement as it took me a long time to forgive these people who I felt hurt me but I know they are happy with each other and have learned some valuable lessons along the way.

You have choices to make in your life and I wish you well in what you decide to do.

< Message edited by corsetgirl -- 4/22/2008 4:55:55 PM >

(in reply to atursvcMaam)

Post #: 11

RE: Infidelity - 4/22/2008 4:54:13 PM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DupedDom

I do not think it matters if your spouse knows about your infidelity or not, if she allows it or not, condones it or not. If you are married and have relations sexual, cyber or otherwise, it is being unfaithfull. There is more lying and subtrifuge if the spouse doesn't know about it but in any case you are breaking your vows.

Which vow, exactly?

Celeste

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Rock, paper, scissors."

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(in reply to DupedDom)

Post #: 12

RE: Infidelity - 4/22/2008 4:57:01 PM

cjan

Posts: 3513
Joined: 2/21/2008
Status: offline

Some folks are monogamous, others are not. Marriage vows , imo, constitute a contract, as does a contract between a Dominant and a submissive. Be careful what you take a vow to, then honor it, yourself and the other party.

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(in reply to corsetgirl)

Post #: 13

RE: Infidelity - 4/22/2008 5:00:42 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DupedDom

OK, Have just been beaten up badly in my last post. So character assasin's relax!!Just talking to the married folks now. About sleeping with other people.

I do not think it matters if your spouse knows about your infidelity or not, if she allows it or not, condones it or not. If you are married and have relations sexual, cyber or otherwise, it is being unfaithfull. There is more lying and subtrifuge if the spouse doesn't know about it but in any case you are breaking your vows.

If a husband and wife don't end up cherishing each other all the days of their lives, will you come down just as hard on them for breaking a vow?

_____________________________

Good is the enemy of great.

(in reply to DupedDom)

Post #: 14

RE: Infidelity - 4/22/2008 5:35:32 PM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

If you are married and have relations sexual, cyber or otherwise, it is being unfaithfull.

Not always. It depends on how you define marriage, why you married and what sort of vows you take. Plenty of people in open marriages would disagree with you about being unfaithful. People marry for different reasons and not everyone defines marriage the way you do.

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(in reply to DupedDom)

Post #: 15

RE: Infidelity - 4/22/2008 5:42:13 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

If I have faith in him that he will see other girls besides me and he doesn't, is he being unfaithful?

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(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 16

RE: Infidelity - 4/22/2008 5:54:33 PM

Lordandmaster

Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline

Actually, if your spouse knows about your infidelity and accepts it, then it's not infidelity. We seem to have a strange atavistic Christian attitude about these things in America.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DupedDom

I do not think it matters if your spouse knows about your infidelity or not, if she allows it or not, condones it or not.

< Message edited by Lordandmaster -- 4/22/2008 5:55:01 PM >

(in reply to DupedDom)

Post #: 17

RE: Infidelity - 4/22/2008 5:58:01 PM

SassySarijane

Posts: 1558
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: KC Area Missouri
Status: offline

Excellent question!

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

If I have faith in him that he will see other girls besides me and he doesn't, is he being unfaithful?

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(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 18

RE: Infidelity - 4/22/2008 5:59:57 PM

beargonewild

Posts: 22716
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DupedDom

I do not think it matters if your spouse knows about your infidelity or not, if she allows it or not, condones it or not. If you are married and have relations sexual, cyber or otherwise, it is being unfaithfull. There is more lying and subtrifuge if the spouse doesn't know about it but in any case you are breaking your vows.

Sounds like a bunch of bs to me. Frankly, my partner and myself vowed to love honor and be true to each other. We also agreed to uphold and maintain an open relationship where each of us obey the same rules to playing with others outside our relationship.
A person would have to be very petty and quite naive to think a cyber relationship is cheating. last time I checked, sexual relations occur between two or more people in reality, not in an internet based fantasy.

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(in reply to DupedDom)

Post #: 19

RE: Infidelity - 4/22/2008 6:02:25 PM

Usako

Posts: 697
Joined: 7/29/2006
From: NYC
Status: offline

Opinions are great...but you're on a site where being "poly" is "hip and cool" or whatever so I dunno. I don't see a point in posting something like this since the locals just will get riled up and disagree with you.

Not saying I agree or disagree with you; I just fail to see why one would even bother to complain about such on this site. Unless for the pure fun of stirring up the townsfolk.

(in reply to beargonewild)

Post #: 20

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