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Fighting with the White Knight inside myself - 4/21/2008 9:18:54 PM   
Owner4SexSlave


Posts: 1311
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline 		Friday, I get a phone call.   It was from the last girl I was involved with.  The one with the Drinking problem, the blackouts, and the anger inside her soul that would come out at times.

Anyways, after I broke up with her, she had started seeing somebody else she's known for awhile now.   Looks like he broke up with her for the reasons.

She was crying mess over the phone, go I bail out my door and head up there.

Anyways, she was coming down off from a two day drinking binge, she was 1/2 passed out in bed.   Anyways, I ended up babysitting her through the early morning hours, all the puking.  Hearing things about how much she hates being wasted like she gets.   Then again, she was face down in the toliet.   

But there I was, the guy she called at 9:30pm.   Anyways, her apartment has turned into a complete mess, everything looked disorganized and very much out of place compared to what I was used to seeing when I was with her.   Hell, it was like her whole world fell apart.   She actually has put on weight in the last month and a half.  Plus, she literally looked like Hell, could see it in her face.   Hell, she even made remarks about needing to shave her thin narrow patch of public hair down below.   Everywhere I turned, I felt sad and hurting as to what was happening to here.

Anyways, this other guy, said he could not deal with her.  She was down and feeling broken that two guys in a row broke up with her.   For the same reasons.  Honestly, she does have some very great qualities.

Now, there was many things finally said between us, something besides my one sided break up message and the silence the followed.   

I don't know if she was expecting for me to say to her, I want you back or what.  I was rather emotionally guarded at the time.   However, a few days later.

I find myself fighting with the white knight inside of myself.   I honestly wish I had that control and power over her to help fix her.   I honestly find myself wanting to do something more.   Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, The Dom that I am just wants to take control and be that White Knight in Armor,  I really don't care if my Armor shines, get's bent or distroyed in the process. 

I just know it hurts like Hell seeing somebody I care about be on a self distructive path, and going Downhill.   I used to leaving relationships with the other person in better shape then when I found them.   This really is tearing at my heart right now.   Still, I know that Logically what can I do? 

Thursday night, I found out that one girl I used to know her in town, was found dead in a parking lot from a Drug Overdose.  I was one of those people that distanced myself from her, the more and more she was drawn into the Darkness of this crap.  It's made me stop and think about the fact, if druggies and alcholics are only left with their Druggie and Alcholic friends at the end of the day.   I know, I can not save everybody in this world, but what happens to a person in this darkness when all they have in the end is being surrounded by people that not good for them.

In all honestly, I would draw a hard line with her and tell her she needed no more to drink, and would draw hard lines at the Risk of being called names and her verbal abuse.   From the looks of this last guy, he sort of just let her walk all over the situation.    He likes to drink as well, and he got a DUI not to long ago as well.   However, he's not an angry/crazy drunk like she gets.  

Basically, she was holding her life much more together when she was with me compared to him.  The changes in her apartment did not happen overnight or even a couple of days.   Wow, it was like she just gave up on herself or something. 

I'm trying hard to rationalize things, the Pros and the Cons.  One thing for certain, it's not an easy emotional experience to go through.   Actually sucks.

I know about how to deal with another human beings lack of self esteem, confidence and helping them cultivate their abilities.  Dealing with hidden anger, and fucked up learned behaviors from Angry Wacked out Foster Parents has not been my forte in shaping things in another human being.

I am sitting here in the Dark hours, finding it unbelievable that there's not a Damn thing I can do.   The thoughts of kicking somebody to the curb, watching the fall apart even more, then now with what if, they end up dead in a parking lot somewhere.   So here I am fighting with that White Knight inside of myself tonight. 

  
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RE: Fighting with the White Knight inside myself - 4/21/2008 9:23:13 PM   
Leatherist


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Status: offline 		I learned that no one can fix themselves-but themselves.
 
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RE: Fighting with the White Knight inside myself - 4/21/2008 9:25:51 PM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline 		Have you been to an Al-Anon meeting yet?  I'm thinking not.  You need strength right now, and direction, from Al-Anon.  Yes, I know you've had a problem yourself and could benefit from AA.  But right now, you need to know how to deal with her.  And your White Knight soul does not know HOW.

Cali


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RE: Fighting with the White Knight inside myself - 4/21/2008 9:28:06 PM   
midgetmafiosa


Posts: 195
Joined: 3/23/2008
From: Maine, and SLC, UT
Status: offline 		so sorry. i was married to an alcoholic for a long time. you keep thinking you can help. that they will want to change. and you keep getting heartbroken and disappointed. you know rationally that no one but the alcoholic can change the circumstance, but you try anyhow. love and caring don't respond well to logic and reason sometimes. you are right in that you are not the one in control of this situation. realizing that is what will allow you to move beyond it. you can detach from people's behavior and addictions while still caring about them as people, even if it means not being involved in their lives. *hugs* -midge

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RE: Fighting with the White Knight inside myself - 4/21/2008 9:32:35 PM   
ResidentSadist


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From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline 		Not all that hit bottom bounce off it and straighten up.  Some die… and they die whether you were their enabler or not.  ... it sucks but it's true. 

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RE: Fighting with the White Knight inside myself - 4/21/2008 9:32:46 PM   
Poetryinpain


Posts: 341
Joined: 3/20/2008
Status: offline 		Wow. That's quite a saga. I can only imagine what you're feeling right now. It's not easy even to sever a relationship, but then to see the other person falling apart --

And to know that if you go back into it nothing will change. She will not stop the drinking until something inside her tells her that she needs to do so. You can send her to detox and rehab, and if she isn't really ready, it will only last for a while.

I wish there were some wise words I could offer you, but at this point all I can offer is my compassion. I wish you and her all the best and hope she can see what needs to happen.

pip, sad that such things happen


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RE: Fighting with the White Knight inside myself - 4/21/2008 10:00:12 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


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Status: offline 		Do you feel ready to come out with her directly and completely with every detail about your own past and present addiction problems?

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RE: Fighting with the White Knight inside myself - 4/21/2008 10:09:35 PM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		*hugs* doll... I agree with Cali.. get to al-anon PRONTO.  You CANNOT fix her. She has to be ready and willing to do it herself, SHE has to take that first step.
*hugs and more hugs* 
You know how to reach me...



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RE: Fighting with the White Knight inside myself - 4/21/2008 10:17:54 PM   
Owner4SexSlave


Posts: 1311
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline 		I realize her drinking is a major issue, however I've been around a number of drunk people in days.    Hell, most drunk people don't act the way she does. 

I think even if she does stop drinking, it won't be enough, she has deep rooted anger issues.   I've seen the small things that trigger it.  She can go from Happy fun loving drunk to wicked mean in a drop of a dime.

There are things that trigger it, how somebody might look at her, things people say and do around her, or things she see's.  I've also seen her cry because something triggered it. 

Deep down though, she has a lot of anger issues.   When I was with her, she was only drinking one day out of the week.  It's not like she has to have one all the time.   However, stress is a trigger for her drinking.

It's the anger when it comes out that becomes the problem, she's very rebellious and defiant at the world around her.  I know her sobber world connects with her drunken world.   Some of our sobber conversations reached her in her drunken state.  To the point one night she actually asked me for permission before doing something while drunk off her ass.    It was strange shimmer of hope I saw in the middle of some crazy moment.   So, I know communication and talking about things and working things on the sobber level can connect to her.

Dare I express this, I think she has a bigger problem with Anger compared to drinking.  Mind you, it's a bad combination with these two things hand and hand. 

I read this article, and the triggers I've seen fall on this list of things there.
http://ezinearticles.com/index.php?Moving-Beyond-Anger-With-Emotional-Freedom-Techniques&id=1105943

Even thinking back to her reasoning why she drinks, the trigger to why she drinks... I think goes hand and hand with Anger.

I was always blunt in asking her the question, why did you get so damn drunk?

She angry that I broke up with her even, she expressed this to me.   However, she was honest with me, that normally she does not allow this to happen, if anything she's made a point to get back together with them in the past, only to be the one breaking up with them later on.   A sort of revenge tactic.   She expressed that she did not care to play those games anymore. 

Funny, I was just sitting here thinking about the things she's complains and bitches about the most in life.  The Anger is there even when she's sobber, just does not come out in a rage.






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RE: Fighting with the White Knight inside myself - 4/21/2008 10:26:28 PM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		She has a major victim complex.



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RE: Fighting with the White Knight inside myself - 4/21/2008 10:32:09 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
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From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline 		Sometimes you just gotta walk away... hard as it may be.

BadOne

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RE: Fighting with the White Knight inside myself - 4/21/2008 10:54:28 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		What's the likelihood that, once you save these girls, that they'll go right back to where they came from? Unless they've saved themselves, pretty damned likely. Check out the Knight and Rescuer archetypes. http://myss.com/library/contracts/three_archs.asp When we operate in the shadow of these archetypes (and we all have at one time or another), it's because we're ignoring stuff in ourselves. My dad constantly pit my mom and I against each other so that he could always be "the good guy". It was a boost to his ego. So, what's your ego trying to do or say?

Master Fire


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RE: Fighting with the White Knight inside myself - 4/21/2008 11:03:23 PM   
Leatherist


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Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

What's the likelihood that, once you save these girls, that they'll go right back to where they came from? Unless they've saved themselves, pretty damned likely. Check out the Knight and Rescuer archetypes. http://myss.com/library/contracts/three_archs.asp When we operate in the shadow of these archetypes (and we all have at one time or another), it's because we're ignoring stuff in ourselves. My dad constantly pit my mom and I against each other so that he could always be "the good guy". It was a boost to his ego. So, what's your ego trying to do or say?

Master Fire



Correct. And that is what I learned. It was not about me saving someone.

It was about my arrogance in thinking that I COULD.

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RE: Fighting with the White Knight inside myself - 4/21/2008 11:04:31 PM   
Owner4SexSlave


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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
Do you feel ready to come out with her directly and completely with every detail about your own past and present addiction problems?


I was honest with her about my 6-7 month drinking bringe that I had gone on, and how I never want to repeat that again ever.  I've been rather honest with a lot of people about what happened in that time period, what it took for me to shut myself off from it.  It's nothing I'm proud of one damn bit.   Hell, I finally managed to share this with my Mom and a couple of close friends this last month. 

Honestly, though I can have one or two drinks and stop at that.  I really could care less most of the time, if I drink or not.  I turned to drinking for all the wrong reasons, and I was literally downing out a lot of painful things that had happened over the course of a few years.  Including my Grandmothers sucide the night before she was to go into a nursing home.  She is the one that raised me.   There were a lot of things that were building up inside me, that I did not deal with well.  

I do know this, if I had not stopped, I don't like the thoughts of that.   In terms of addictions, I smoke cigarettes and drink coffee.   So I can't honestly say I'm addiction free.

Honestly, I can go for days without having anything alcholic to drink without giving it much thought.  What scared the Hell out of me, was the fact I was becoming addicted to drinking at one time.   That I got into the routine of drinking 4-6 days a week for so many monthes on end.   I paid a price for this learning lesson in life.

I can't say the same about Cigerettes though, I'm hooked on that bad habit.  Believe me, her and I talked about my own addictions and I was really open about things with her my last visit.    When I shared with her about me getting fucked up for 6-7 monthes straight, she said she's done that a few times over and then some.   I expressed it's something I care not to repeat ever again.

For the most part, I'm a social drinker.  I'm not the kind of person that keeps a supply of things on hand at home to drink either.   Last thing I had a bottle of Jeagermister and it took weeks and weeks before it was empty and gone.  The only reason why I had it because somebody bought it for me for my Birthday.   I might keep a few bottles on wine on hand around holiday time.   Last time, I had a six pack of beer on hand was over a year ago.

In terms of Drug use... lol...  I'm allergic to weed.   I'm not into drugs at all, and never have been.

In terms of damages from family members and their drinking problems, yes my natural father is an acholic, and my grand father was a functional drunk gone away at the bars all the time.  He was the type to have Mix drinks at home too.   The Manhattens and etc...   I know full well the effects that drinking can have on other people.   Just nobody in my family was the type to get drunk off their asses, toss beer bottles off the roof, while 1/2 naked, yelling Fuck you to everybody in the neighborhood.  Which is one of many things that I guess happened during her couple of day drinking binge.   Then again, she lost another guy, from doing this crazy bullshit, so why not simply go over the edge and tell the whole Neighborhood to fuck off, and be 1/2 naked in defiance of all the clothed normal people of the world, tossing beer bottles off the roof for extra dramatic effect.  I think she got her point across,  crazy drunk bitch mad at the world expressing herself again.

She said, that she stayed home at the apartment because she was scared of getting arrested or in trouble with the police.  Hence, this is why she has an arrest record for crazy shit when she's been drinking.   Ranging from indecient exposure, assault, disturbing the peace to you name it.   When she's sobber, she is under control and appears to be respectful of other people and does not do crazy off the wall stuff like this.







< Message edited by Owner4SexSlave -- 4/21/2008 11:05:34 PM >

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RE: Fighting with the White Knight inside myself - 4/21/2008 11:29:46 PM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		Owner.. contact me on the other side, k?

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RE: Fighting with the White Knight inside myself - 4/22/2008 4:49:18 AM   
RCdc


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Status: offline 		This is Darcy

I tend to have something of a saviour complex, but over the years I've learned that we can't save everybody. We can point them in the right direction and hope that it's enough, but that done the best we can hope for is that they'll be OK.

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RE: Fighting with the White Knight inside myself - 4/22/2008 5:56:45 AM   
mhawk


Posts: 509
Joined: 11/5/2007
From: Washington
Status: offline 		i know for you this is a hard thing you are going through considering you obviously do care about her well being.

i would also suggest for yourself to contact a local AA group and find out if there is an Alanon group in your area to help you.there are some great people there that can at least lend you a good ear.

coming from a place where i am almost 4 years into my own recovery i can honestly say,you can be there if she needs a friend or someone to talk to.

for her own situation all i can say is if and when she's hit the bottom so to speak, and is ready to take the steps she needs to,to get well the doors of AA are always there.they even have telephone support people who volunteer their time when those of us who have reached that point have someone to talk to and find where we are ready and need to go to.

as GT said, if you just need a friendly ear please do feel free to contact me on the other side.

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RE: Fighting with the White Knight inside myself - 4/22/2008 6:23:52 AM   
Rule


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Joined: 12/5/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Owner4SexSlave
The Dom that I am just wants to take control and be that White Knight in Armor, 

Then, if you are strong enough, do take controll. Keep her in sight. You command, she obeys, that is the deal. Get her to the AA, and get her counseling for her anger issues, for the alcoholism roots there. Make her get a job or go to school. Bring in some friends and tidy her apartment and let her help or say how she wants it. Do not hesitate to spend some money on her when required. Do not enable her.

< Message edited by Rule -- 4/22/2008 6:25:06 AM >

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RE: Fighting with the White Knight inside myself - 4/22/2008 6:26:51 AM   
mhawk


Posts: 509
Joined: 11/5/2007
From: Washington
Status: offline 		suggesting she can go to AA is a good thing but i have also found that if someone just takes another person that needs it, it usually does not work out.they have to be ready and willing to do so.it's not an easy thing to do.i'mnot saying she won't succeed if she goes,it jsut has to be a choice she makes for herself if she wants to be better.

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RE: Fighting with the White Knight inside myself - 4/22/2008 6:27:57 AM   
Maestro66babycak


Posts: 396
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Rule

quote:

ORIGINAL: Owner4SexSlave
The Dom that I am just wants to take control and be that White Knight in Armor, 

Then, if you are strong enough, do take controll. Keep her in sight. You command, she obeys, that is the deal. Get her to the AA, and get her counseling for her anger issues, for the alcoholism roots there. Make her get a job or go to school. Bring in some friends and tidy her apartment and let her help or say how she wants it. Do not hesitate to spend some money on her when required. Do not enable her.


That is how an Owner should take care of his property, excellent advice.

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