RE: How did i handle this and what could i do better? (Full Version)

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StormsSlave -> RE: How did i handle this and what could i do better? (4/19/2008 3:57:22 AM)

I think he made it clear he didn't want to talk about it right then.  When this happens to me in ANY relationship, even as a parent, a friend, or a work associate, I usually will bow out for the moment, making it clear that I would prefer to discuss it in the future.  Bad things happen to people and it's not a lack of communication that makes them unwilling to share.  It's a simple fact that, dominant or not, he's human, and felt whatever he felt, and used the least violent and most expedient means at his disposal to stop whatever pain he was feeling at that time.  He didn't hurt you, and he didn't even yell at you, he just restrained you (which I've been known to BEG for) and stuck his mouth on yours (which I have also been known to beg for.) 

My advice: leave it be for now.  Move on, and let things settle.  I read somewhere a quote that I don't know who to credit, but it's sort of brilliant.  Men would talk more if women wouldn't.  It's true.  Shut the hell up about it, and let it be ok for just a little bit.  Let this stop being about you and start being about your relationship.  This hurt him somehow.  If and when he is ready to open up, let him be honest and try not to judge what he says.  I'm guessing if he feels all right, he'll tell you.  If not, not.  If the exactly right moment happens along, you might gently nudge him, but tread lightly.  Too big a nudge and you'll just shut him up.

Anyway, that's what I'd like to think I would do.  {shrug}



CalifChick -> RE: How did i handle this and what could i do better? (4/19/2008 7:36:10 AM)

Storm? You really think he made it clear? She asked him a direct question (is this a good time) and he said yes.  Then when his actions said no, she attempted to clarify.  So she is supposed to decide that he is not being truthful with her and to do what she thinks he really means?  That flies so hard in the face of what I consider to be a D/s dynamic that I couldn't even entertain the thought of it.

Cali



crouchingtigress -> RE: How did i handle this and what could i do better? (4/19/2008 7:59:50 AM)

re; wind chimes and being raped

i am not sure taking them down is the right thing, i have redefined what being a good friend is lately and for me (my opinion) avoidance does not support the person moving on...infact it cripples them in a way...makes them a victim even more, because you are buying in and investing in their powerlessness (in this case an inability to be in the same room as a wind chime)

i think i would say something like "i would like to support you feeling comfortable in my home and also in your skin, would it be OK to sit with me, holding hands as the wind chimes chimed, i will be here, i will allow you to cry or scream, i will support you in every way i can, and allow you to feel safe not only with the wind chimes in my home but all the random chimes you will encounter in your lifetime?"





me; being raped sucked....no doubt...but what IMO was worse is the feeling of weakness and victimhood that the well meaning people in my life wantend me to buy into...



sweetnurseBBW -> RE: How did i handle this and what could i do better? (4/19/2008 8:27:18 AM)

Theres a good time and place to discuss things and at that moment it probably wasn't. Talking about it when everyone is calm and willing to listen would be better.
If he can't accept you telling him when you feel something is wrong and it is done in a respectful way then that is his issue not yours. There is a alot of education on communication that you both need to do.



Passion357 -> RE: How did i handle this and what could i do better? (4/19/2008 8:58:48 AM)

Greetings, All,

quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

re; wind chimes and being raped

i think i would say something like "i would like to support you feeling comfortable in my home and also in your skin, would it be OK to sit with me, holding hands as the wind chimes chimed, i will be here, i will allow you to cry or scream, i will support you in every way i can, and allow you to feel safe not only with the wind chimes in my home but all the random chimes you will encounter in your lifetime?"



I am so glad I am not the only one who was thinking this very same thing. I have read the entire thread and THAT would not get out of my mind. I am usually a bit more blunt though.
Taking down the chimes is not OK. It's just not. At first I can understand using this as an attempt to help. And, in the beginning, it will help. But over time this friend will get used to you bending and giving in to her fear and when she does actually hear a wind chime, which she will; it will be 10 x worse.



To the OP:
Be patient, yes. But be wise as well. As someone else said, and stated very well, don't put up with something you wouldn't want your mother or best friend to put up with.
It sounds like your Sir has issues that he does admit to from his past. I think you did the right thing. I can actually understand his side of not wanting to tell you what bothered him for fear it would make you react different (in a negative way). I have seen it happen. It is best for him to tell you at least what bothers him. He doesn't have to say why. This is a challenge for both of you. If you are going to last as a couple you both have to rise to the occasion.
I also see the pushing your buttons as a challenge. It's something great (for those who wish do it) for the Master as well as the slave. It can also be very dangerous. If he wants to take that path, and you agree to go down it with him, tread cautiously and be prepared.

In the instance you gave you did everything right. The only problem was not knowing exactly what he was doing. Pssssssst... when does a slave EVER know exactly what their Master is doing?? *grin*
Work through it the same way you would any other situation. Use your brain, instincts, and self control.


Well Wishes,
~Passion~


Ask and Ye shall Receive.



MaamJay -> RE: How did i handle this and what could i do better? (4/20/2008 6:20:59 AM)

I have a lot of questions here.
1) Was this a particularly difficult or emotionally fraught topic that you wanted to deal with? Did you expect Him to find it difficult or painful or confronting?
2) While I agree you did the right thing by asking if this was a good time ... when He kept stopping you .. then letting you start ... then stopping you again, I think you played into His hands. Might have been more productive to say something like "Ok Master it seems now isn't a good time to talk about THIS topic, is there something else You would rather discuss? And are You willing to set a time for U/us to discuss this topic please?" That would be putting the ball back in His court ... as it was, it does seem that you kept trying to wrest back control of the moment. And ... while the passive-aggressive theory holds water ... another possibility is that He was doing a deliberate experiment to see how many times you would try to continue. The main reason I think that is because of His later comments about learning a lot about you.
3) Has He tried to hush you previously? I got the impression that He has. What mechanism did He use previously? Did you ever object to that or indicate that you didn't feel good about it? Is it possible that the kissing is simply another method He is trying out? It seems you didn't like this either!
4) Is your main concern the stopping of your speaking? The lack of concern for your feelings? The frustration of not understanding why He did it? The fact that you've never been able to continue the discussion? OR the method by which it was done? I think you need to reflect more on this ... and then just maybe His comments will come into a clarity.

Of course, He might really be PA and it won't make any more sense ... but worth a try I would think. And I would just add a cautionary note to those who have been SO quick to jump down His neck for "closing you down" and "pushing your buttons". OK, I KNOW that communication is critical and that GENERALLY it is a good idea to maintain it as openly as possible. I am however, wondering if this Dom has perhaps had a relationship go bad because a sub hasn't been aware or respectful of boundaries and insisted on discussing what THEY wanted to WHEN they wanted to. Not everyone is in the right physical and emotional state to discuss any topic at any moment. I think part of being a sub is being sensitive to that, knowing when to shut up, and also knowing either another acceptable way (eg journalling) or time (requested) to air the topic. Maybe He is hypersensitive to this and realises that, but is experimenting to find where bella's limits are in this and to find ways in which He is able to control when and where issues are raised. And as for pushing buttons ... well excuse Me! Isn't that what bdsm and D/s is partly about? It's not all about how many strokes of a paddle you can take ... perhaps how many times she will keep trying to finish her sentence is where His "paddle" lands!

I do hope that you and He can have some fruitful discussion soon bella, but maybe some of these questions will help you and He do so.
Maam Jay aka violet[A]



CalifChick -> RE: How did i handle this and what could i do better? (4/20/2008 11:10:08 AM)

I am truly perplexed.  I don't get it, I truly don't.  Why is everyone saying that SHE was trying to control the situation, that SHE was insisting on talking.  She ASKED, he answered, she followed his answer.  Then she got confused, she ASKED again, he answered, she followed his answer.  If he didn't want to talk, he should have just SAID SO.  No games, no guessing what he really means, no mind reading.  Just freakin' SPEAK.

Explain it to me.  Maybe type really slowly.  Because I just DON'T GET IT.  [sm=banghead.gif][sm=banghead.gif][sm=banghead.gif]

Cali



ITGirl68 -> RE: How did i handle this and what could i do better? (4/20/2008 12:04:19 PM)

What a great triage! I agree that this issue is his and that there really isn't anything that you [hissweetbella] can - or should - do to change him. Let him know that it troubles you, watch what happens over time, and it will either work out or it won't. OK. that's too flippant...

Obviously none of us know your Sir at all, but - and I may be wrong - you don't seem to know him well enough yet to know if he has emotional/chemical/other problems that prevent him from ever being able to communicate as fully and freely as you desire. This situation may be temporary, but none of us know. 

Right now, it sounds frustrating for you. I can only imagine your hurt and confusion; I have been through a bit it, myself -- even having been told that trust and honesty were one-way obligations in a DS relationship (flowing from me to him). You have to see what happens over time; in the long run, you will know if he will be able to communicate with you - and you will judge how important free communication is to the relationship and to you: a human being in a DS-flavored relationship.



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