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Somebody broke Him!! - 4/7/2008 8:43:19 AM   
Kalista07


Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline 		Truth be told i've been very weary about asking for help here. However, i guess i'm not sure what else to do at this point. 9 months ago i met a man through CM, and we started seeing each other. Because of some "traumatic" things that had happened shortly before we met, He was told by my friends that we would not be permitted to have sex. That seemed to be okay with Him. Actually, one of the things that He continued to tell me in the beginning was He wasn't going to have sex with me until i was convinced i'm a good person and i can see my worth...Okay, well we've accomplished that and still no sex... i could live without the sex, trust me...... The thing is however, there's also no D/s and no M/s. We've been talking about it a lot lately, and He wants this as much (if not more) than i do, but He's just not able to do it. We've talked about Him going to counseling, but frankly we don't live in that large of an area where You could actually say to someone, "i want to beat my girlfriend (SLAVE!!) and i can't seem to do it". So, He hasn't done that.
Being on the outside of His issues i see and understand where they are coming from. He's had some past negative experiences with sex and relationships......It's almost as if He was broken during His last relationship and can't find a way to put Himself back together.
Has anyone here ever been through something similar? Does anyone have any encouragement?
Thanks,
Kali


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RE: Somebody broke Him!! - 4/7/2008 8:47:51 AM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		Call me lass, I will be on both Skype and YM most of next week and we can organise a time to talk..

Iron Bear
Master of Bruin Cottage
(A Victorian Lifestyle poly home)

"I judge a Man by what I see him do and not by what others tell me he does." (Captain Sir Edward Pellew of the HMS Indefatigable to Midshipman Hornblower ~ C.S. Forrester)


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RE: Somebody broke Him!! - 4/7/2008 8:56:38 AM   
domahpet


Posts: 1505
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Santa Rosa
Status: offline 		Kali, no disrespect, but are you really sure you want to invest (what sounds like alot of)
time in putting someone back together that you didnt break?
im sure he has alot of awsome qualities to get your attention in the first place,
but what will you get back for your investment?
take it from one who knows, its alot of work to help someone in this way.
get to me on the other side if you wanna talk more, i hope you make the
best decision for you :)

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RE: Somebody broke Him!! - 4/7/2008 9:14:12 AM   
Stephann


Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline 		Castles start with one stone.

Ask him to swat you on the butt.  Just once.  Then maybe once more.

Work your way up from that.  The more he sees he can interact with you in a D/s fashion, the more likely he is to trust that he won't break you in the process.

Stephan


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RE: Somebody broke Him!! - 4/7/2008 9:17:41 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		I agree with Stephann on this one. Start slow and try to build on that.

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RE: Somebody broke Him!! - 4/7/2008 9:21:29 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		Kali,

We have ALL been in that sitation in one way or another.

First off, most kink friendly counselors do lots and lots of work over the phone, most are in the big cities and so they are are used to doing it by phone to people who live in the provinces.

http://www.ncsfreedom.org/index.php?option=com_keyword&id=270

He was patient with you, you owe him a bit of patience so ignore the "dump him now crowd".  However, realize that there may come a time when you DO run out of patience and prepare yourself but I wouldn't set an ultimatime, just be aware of the possibility.  Set some requirements to continue and it sounds like counseling would be a good one. 

I wish you the best of  luck and bsb as well as my inbox are always open to you.

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RE: Somebody broke Him!! - 4/7/2008 9:53:28 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		Looks to me like he hasn't fully gone through the grieving and healing process after his last relationship.

Frankly until he does I don't think he can give you what you both want.

Yeah it may take therapy but the therapy will have next to nothing to do with BDSM and almost everything to do with him processing the past that hurt him. Any decent therapist can help with that but he should still be selective. He should make appointments to meet with several therapists and interview them to find a good fit. Yes, he will need to pay for their time and he will also need to be as fully honest about what he wants to deal with -- a past relationship -- as he can be so he can gauge the fit between he and therapist.

This could be a long process by the way.

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RE: Somebody broke Him!! - 4/7/2008 10:07:22 AM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

Looks to me like he hasn't fully gone through the grieving and healing process after his last relationship.

Frankly until he does I don't think he can give you what you both want.

Yeah it may take therapy but the therapy will have next to nothing to do with BDSM and almost everything to do with him processing the past that hurt him. Any decent therapist can help with that but he should still be selective. He should make appointments to meet with several therapists and interview them to find a good fit. Yes, he will need to pay for their time and he will also need to be as fully honest about what he wants to deal with -- a past relationship -- as he can be so he can gauge the fit between he and therapist.

This could be a long process by the way.

I agree totally with this.
A therpaist is a therpaist and will take certain approaches....cognitive-behavourial, social learning, analytical, person-centred etc and usually these days an eccelctic approach consisting of more than one.
A 'kink' related therapist is rare, as 'kink' just becomes yet another topic to deal with (like addiction, weight loss, self-confidence). In other words it isn't the content of the client's issue which determines the councelling/therapist's position.
his kink related past gurt by the way, is on my personal opinion, just the 'seen' content of something bqased on deeper by-gone unresolved issues. Whilst I know for ME what my brokenness at the moment is, (and it is a long-gone event).....it involves at least two processes running together: his willingness to unravel the past and his willingness to trust not only the therapeutic process but to trust you in being the one to 'act it out' with.
I'm not saying that kink is based on past trauma. far from it. But past trauma will out........if he is naturally dominant then because he is tsuck right now I would think that his submissive side is uppertmost. And it sounds, forgive me if I am wrong, this sounds like two submissives in a relationship. No one wants to make the first move. If you ask him to give you that first smack (as has been suggested) he may prcess it as you attempting to top him.
It is all in the process by the way. Therapy may accelerate the process but it's still going to be a long haul by the sounds of things.
Unless you want to be his therapist. We all are both victims and healers I believe. Given enough time we all heal eventually......eventually as time runs out we realise that.
My heart to you xx


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RE: Somebody broke Him!! - 4/7/2008 10:19:40 AM   
faerytattoodgirl


Posts: 5824
Status: offline 		a man that doesnt want sex??? gotta be a transsexual...(as u know most trans dont want to use it)

cause he doesnt sound like a man!


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RE: Somebody broke Him!! - 4/7/2008 11:22:38 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		He doesn't have to say that he wants to beat and humiliate his partner. He just has to say that he isn't capable of engaging in any kind of intimacy and he wants to change that. He wants to have sex, he wants to do things that make you feel good and fulfilled, he wants to open up fully. Most of the therapy will be focused on why he picked partners who are bad for him, how to end the guilt he carries over not handling the situation better, how can he be a man and have been abused by his partner when men are bigger, tougher, etc. Vanilla relationship stuff.

This isn't a BDSM issue because he's not asking how to handle a flogger better. It's a block inside of him preventing him from moving on and therapy will be on how to move forward. And he shouldn't have any insurance trouble because of the sexuality issue.

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RE: Somebody broke Him!! - 4/7/2008 11:39:59 AM   
TwistedLeather


Posts: 189
Joined: 3/9/2008
Status: offline 		i had a bad experience when i was really young that affected me for literally years without my knowing it. It was by talking with a trusted counselor about something else completely unrelated to my problems and past, that i realized what was going on. That opened the door to some badly needed healing i didn't even know i needed. So my opinion is he should go see a therapist, and talk about other things. Build trust with that person, and use "vanilla" terms when it comes to his intimacy issues. Sometimes just talking helps... and so does having someone who cares beside you as you're healing.

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RE: Somebody broke Him!! - 4/7/2008 3:12:07 PM   
littlebitxxx


Posts: 732
Status: offline 		Devil's Advocate here...and it may sound harsh but not intended that way.  He's a good man, correct?  You like him a lot, correct?  He's a good friend, correct?  But there is no sex, no intimacy, no D/s, no "deep" relationship of that sort.  Sounds like it depends on whay YOU want out of the relationship.  He can still be a good friend but you may need to search for another that can actually give you the other important parts of a relationship.  And yes, I feel that sex, intimacy and D/s are important if it's going to be a D/s relationship.

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RE: Somebody broke Him!! - 4/7/2008 3:27:50 PM   
Noah


Posts: 1660
Joined: 7/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlebitxxx

Devil's Advocate here...and it may sound harsh but not intended that way.  He's a good man, correct?  You like him a lot, correct?  He's a good friend, correct?  But there is no sex, no intimacy, no D/s, no "deep" relationship of that sort.  Sounds like it depends on whay YOU want out of the relationship.  He can still be a good friend but you may need to search for another that can actually give you the other important parts of a relationship.  And yes, I feel that sex, intimacy and D/s are important if it's going to be a D/s relationship.


There are many kinds of intimacy, deep intimacy, which have nothing to do with sex or D/s. I didn't see anything indicating that they are all missing.

I think Michael gave some valuable advice.



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RE: Somebody broke Him!! - 4/7/2008 3:44:29 PM   
adoracat


Posts: 1779
Joined: 2/16/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: faerytattoodgirl

a man that doesnt want sex??? gotta be a transsexual...(as u know most trans dont want to use it)

cause he doesnt sound like a man!



you've obviously never met my husband, faery.  he has absolutely no problem in denying someone sex. 

kitten

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RE: Somebody broke Him!! - 4/7/2008 4:00:59 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I agree with TammyJo.  How long has it been since the last relationship?  Why did friends tell him about no sex and not you?  If you really feel this has potential, then go ahead and see it through with the counseling and taking it step by step.

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RE: Somebody broke Him!! - 4/7/2008 5:17:14 PM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline 		kali...I admire your courage and your patience.  That said, I have posted on here before that if I am to be a submissive's dominant, then I am her dominant...taking care of her, living up to whatever responsibilities I have committed to, not abusing her, etc., etc..  I have also stated that I am not a submissive's therapist...nor would I want her to be mine.  You can love him and support him and give him props but he has to choose a course...either therapy or not.  It seems that you have been going through this for quite awhile but there again, problems that took years to build don't go away right away.  I won't tell you to throw things away...having been on the receiving end of being tossed without any time at all being given over to fixing what was going on, I can assure you that it doesn't help much.  However...

Just as in the case of a topic brought to a thread by Owner4SexSlave(whiplash) awhile back, emotional/sexual/behavioral problems can become a problem easily sunk into, much as the alcoholism he spoke of.  Don't speak to him of ultimatums but speak to yourself of how much longer you owe a relationship that has not...in most of the ways usually seen in a loving D/s OR vanilla relationship...really gotten off the ground yet.  You are not the therapist and...given that he wants a D/s relationship but with him as the dominant...you are not the leader. You have some questions to ask yourself and some preparation for helping him and, if need be ultimately...leaving him.

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RE: Somebody broke Him!! - 4/7/2008 11:23:39 PM   
HeidiAnn


Posts: 113
Joined: 12/16/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: faerytattoodgirl

a man that doesnt want sex??? gotta be a transsexual...(as u know most trans dont want to use it)

cause he doesnt sound like a man!



Lol, funny.:)

heidi


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RE: Somebody broke Him!! - 4/8/2008 2:27:56 AM   
Hippiekinkster


Posts: 5512
Joined: 11/20/2007
From: Liechtenstein
Status: offline 		Tammyjo: "Looks to me like he hasn't fully gone through the grieving and healing process after his last relationship."

Could be. Grieving takes time, and it's not related to how long a relationship lasted.

Listen to Domah and the others, too.

Me, I think if you have a need to do Codependency, you might want to take a week and go to Cancun, by yourself, and think about what YOU need.

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RE: Somebody broke Him!! - 4/8/2008 2:47:46 AM   
mons


Posts: 2400
Joined: 11/16/2005
Status: offline 		yes i had someone who was broken on his first meeting with a domme she tight him and he is no small man but she had him tighten so that he could not get away she put on a strapon and rape him i must say i never seen a man more frighten and so scare. she made him so scare i could not get him the way he wish to be a slave. i had to leave him we did talk for a long time i help him over some thing but she was not a true domme a true domme does not abuse a first timer who is a virgin he said she hurt him so bad he was scare to move for a long time ladies a slave will let you do many things. but lord do not break him so that he is not good for the next domme!!!!!!!

mons i hope you work this out take time and oh i know he will be worth it

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RE: Somebody broke Him!! - 4/8/2008 3:18:22 AM   
Gemini1766


Posts: 991
Joined: 3/7/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mons

yes i had someone who was broken on his first meeting with a domme she tight him and he is no small man but she had him tighten so that he could not get away she put on a strapon and rape him i must say i never seen a man more frighten and so scare. she made him so scare i could not get him the way he wish to be a slave. i had to leave him we did talk for a long time i help him over some thing but she was not a true domme a true domme does not abuse a first timer who is a virgin he said she hurt him so bad he was scare to move for a long time ladies a slave will let you do many things. but lord do not break him so that he is not good for the next domme!!!!!!!

mons i hope you work this out take time and oh i know he will be worth it
My brain hurts reading this.
I understand what it says, but ouch my brain.


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